What Do I FREAKING WANT?

[Lonesome Crow]

Well...we must move forward and navigate through what seems
like a damn maze at time.

I have no chioce but to move forward and be happy.
Let go of the past as best I can. Let go of all the negativities,
mental and emotional baggages...ect.
If i dont...I'll get stuck, sink or at the very least It'll be a heavy load
to carry. It donst come so naturally to me to do this...but i do
have living tools and coping skills to get me through this.

There's things I want. I did my best and gave it my best effort.
I dont hate myself. My visions gets clearer as each moment and days
passes.

As far as relationships gose. I'm not settling for less.
If anything the next person has to have all those same good qualities
I like and less of the negative ****.

Im just going with the flow at the moment.
Im not expecting to get into a relationship. I barely got out of the last one alive
not that long ago...So Im relatively doing pretty good considering.
I like company or scent of a woman. If they look good, smell good
and wanna dance with me Im all game. Its all good.
Thats just who i am, so I'm not going to hate myself for this either.
In a ****** up sort of way Im having to settle or accept my life
for how it is at the moment.

I must see things in a positive light and be okay with myself.
I dont like being depressed or feeling down. Its too costly for
a person like me.

I dont see myself livng alone or being alone for the rest of my life.
Its not my destiny or chioce for that matter.

 

[HC22]

I hope things will change for the better soon.

For changes to happem though as you already proved to know, efforts are generally needed.
So you too need to make an affort too ...to allow things to evolve in a positive way.
From what I've read you have good will, and are not against this basics of this principle so realistically, I think you can make it.
In this life there are fighters and people who give up ... honestly you don't seem like someone who gives up easily, this is why I'm surprised ( and of course sad ) to see you considering suicide.
I would want to say " do not to even remotely consider sucicide as an option" but I understand that it could be hard sice thoughts are difficult to control, I will ask you instead to make the right choice : to live.

Don't commit suicide please.

You should live, change, and try to evolve positively, you can do it, seriously.
It might take time, you might fall at times like all of us do, but if you put effort in it, you'll eventually get to live a life that makes you finally feel satisfied.

Now, it seems that one of the things that could give you satisfaction is having a relationship ( and mind you I said "one of the things " because I don't think it is all you need to feel better ).
To achive this you must work a bit on yourself, and with this I mean that you have to figure out a way to present youself in a way that would make other people want you.
Seems really hard but if you stop a minute to think about it, it might not be.
In the end... what do all the people want from a partner ?
Tastes can change from person to person, but almost everyone in this world looks for a person that will : Love you, comprehend you, listen to you, be kind to you and would be ready to keep you company in this life.
So what you could do is, working on yourself to appear ( and be ) some one who does all these things.
If you manage to convey to other people that you could be that kind of partner, you should not have problems finding a mate.
Try to convey the message that you possess those qualities everytime you can and you'll probably see real results.
Be kind, smile, show that you are genuinely interested and that you care of the person, and resuslts should totally come.
But when you'll have a relationship, don't use the person just for your sexual pleasure, invest emotionally in the relationship, we all need someone that will stay with us in this life, give this person real affection and real love and this person will probably do the same making you feel more fullfilled and definitely much less alone.


Next about you roomate:
You have to find a way to make him leave you your space without hurting his feeling .
My advice : One of these days ask this guy to go out to drink something ( or eat something, go for a walk, ...your choice), just the two of you and after a while ( better if at the end of the meeting) say something like this( if these are really your feelings -->) " I'm sorry if I rarely ask you to do something, it's not because I don't enjoy being with you, it's just that I need time by myslef some time, this is why I 'm not always so responsive when you talk to me, it's not you it's that I have to have my space, I hope you can understand, if I don't ask you to come with me it's simply because I need time alone, but I'm really gald that you are my friend " there this should do it .

And if someone wants to do your diet but doesn't manage to carry on diligently, don't take it badly, it's their own life , if they don't do it just means that it's not their priority at the moment, when they'll really want to slim down, one day,.. they will do it spontaneously. Try to help them te best you can though.



Good luck for everything I wish you the best .

 

[Lonesome Crow]

I still get suiecidal thoughts or those ****** up feelings of throwing
in the towls. I'm not examp from that.

It hurts like a son of a bitch to not be with Sassy.
I walked away from her...I broke it off with her.
It hurted like a son of a bitch then.
And it wasnt the first or second time I had to do that.
I still miss lots from time to time. The good side of her.
But I cant deal with all the other ******** that causes havic in our lives.
So in a ****** up kind of way...**** didnt work out even though
I doing slam dunks with Sassy 10 times per day. i still feel empty
handed. Worst becuase Ive basically given up everything to try
to make it work this time. And our mind set was...It has to work
this time...this was it for the both of us. She wanted it just as much
as I did. Alot of it was her ideas and intentions to begin with.
Its just the following through part...

It's like I have to let go of all those beliefs, hopes
and dreams Sassy and I had....

Those damn negative thought and feeling creeps in...lots.
I let go of them, now.

I cant run with that anymore. The last time Sassy and I had a nasty
break up. I became very suiecidal and almost put a bullet in my
head. I litterally had the pistal pointed at my head and almost
pulled the trigger. But before i even got to that piont...it's was
hellish and tourmenting too.
Sassy might had hurted me a lot...but I cant be digging my own
mother fucken grave.
I cant put myself through that again....
Sassy is 42....

So if Im running around banging hot chicks half her age,
Excuse the **** out of me...

 

[putter65]

I'm getting fed up of all this female friend crap. What's the point ? I'm not good enough to be boyfriend material ? Having all these ******* coffee's with women I have nothing to say to. It maybe my fault. I'm bullshitting myself. Sort of saying 'look at me, I have female friends. Women don't hate me'

Idk whats the piont to a lot of things either.lol
Maybe it's just a phase...IDK.

Dont worry...man.
I know women hates me...even the ones that loves me lots.
Even the love of my life. Even the ones that say they'll love me
forever no matter what

It's really strange sometimes. When I dont give a ****.
It dosnt hurt anymore. I dont worry so much.
Not that i wanna hang myself or anything like that.

Just gonna do things my way from now on.
Im done trying to make it right and get it right for everybody else.
So I'll Do whatever i wanna do. Go wherever I wanna go.
**** whomever I wanna ****. Believe whatever i wanna believe.
If that makes me a shallow selfish basturd...so be it.
People can fucken bite me or go jump off a fucken cliff.

I'm not hurting. I don't really care.

I was at this woman's house last week and her mobile went off. I could hear it was a bloke on the phone. They were talking, nothing smutty but I could tell the way she was talking to him, she treated him with miles more respect than me. When we said goodbye she never even looked at me. She was looking away with her body turned sideways. She's replied to my texts since but not sent me one. I don't think she gives a ****.

This other one was all over me last week sending texts. I sent her one yesterday and she never replied to it. On her facebook, some guy called her 'my sexual animal' - I'm like 'why do people write things like that on facebook ?' - I don't want to know !

This other one, I don't even like her, She is a racist. I sent her a text and we went back and forth and I said 'we'll have to have a catch up soon' and she wrote back 'yes, sure' - the next day It occured to me that I don't even want to have a catch up with her. She is boring. I was thinking of ways of getting out of it.

A few others never bother with me. Yes they will reply to my messages but that's just politness.

Anyway, up for work in morning so I'll shut up ! lol

one of them has just sent me text saying she wants to meet up next week for coffee. Swings and roundabouts, I guess !

 

[HC22]

@Lonesone Crow: " No matter how much pains or hurted I ve experinced.
Im not closing my heart. I remain open to her, to life, to love. " I really appreciated this sentence, that's exactly what everyone should do.
But if you allow me, I would like to tell you something:
Unfortunately you seem to use women you meet as a meter to measure you self worth.
It seems like you think that the more women you can get ( and the more good lookign these women are ) the more you are worth as a person. I think that is totally wrong.
I think this kind of attitude could really hurt you and the people around you in the long run.
Women ( and people in general ) are not some kind of living trophy you must collet on your shelf to prove you're someone worthy to the ones that visit " your house ".
Because ( by going with that example) if that very house is a complete mess they will still be looking down at you no matter what kind of trophies you exposed.
I hope you can understand the message I'm trying to convey with this methaphor.

I think that deep down you know that going from woman to woman just to have sex is worng and doesn't bring any lasting joy, in the end.
So my advice is : stop collecting throphies, stop bragging about them with other people, clean "your house" instead ... so that people will not look down on you and more of them will be willing to enter and stay. Many of the people that will enter you house will be women, chat with them all that you like in the living room, cook fro them in the kitchen, but bring to the bedrrom only the one you're really interested in being with for more that just sex.
This will definitely help you, the chances of you ending up all alone will decrease drastically and the ones to form a family withe the one persone you love will definitely increase.

Work on yourself little by little so that people will look at you and think you are an awesome person indipendently from the type of woman your'e with, recieving that kind of approval will heal a lot of your scars.

Right now you think you're stuck in a ****** situation, but you can get out of that, life moves on and things do get clearer and clearer each passing day if you work on becoming a better person.
You know it's hard to change " life" for us, we have barely no control over that, but you can work on changing yourself for the better, as a better person it's easier to overcome obstacles life presents you and enjoy it to the fullest.

Cheer up bro and keep going, killing youself is not the right solution

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Im not a collector of hearts to put in a jar.
http://www.alonelylife.com/thread-issue-with-a-high-school-friend-i-can-t-make-peace-with

You dont know me well enough as a person in real life to know oneway or the other.
Internet stuff....It's nothing personal.

Renae was never a trophy to me. She's Kimi's mom. That will never change.

Im not suiecidal...I just have negative thoughts and feelings that creeps in
everyonce in a while.

People can look at me crossed eye...Personally i dont really give a ****. (worry)
Do You know praise seeking, approval seeking, love earning, are very unhealthy behaviors..NO?
Where do you think all the dysfunctional comes from?

Yes...I understND what you're saying...but I didnt alway hAd sex in the bed room
or the house or in the car...ect My sex life is rather adventurious as in my life
in general.

I already know my happiness is entirely on me.

I love Rene very much...I did the right things and more.
Im not going to carry anymore burden or guilt.

I know life gose on....
One foot in front of the other, turn it over to god and all that good ****.
Yes...I clean house.
What you do think I ment by letting go of all my mental and emotional baggages?
What you do think I ment by saying let go of my unworkable ideas and beliefs?

 

[AFrozenSoul]

Hmm I seem to have been bumped out of this conversation.. oh well.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Hmm I seem to have been bumped out of this conversation.. oh well.

No...I wasnt ignoring you.
I was actaully trying say.....
I get suiecidal thoughts and feelings too. From time to time.
It dont mean I'm ******, bad person or lest deserving..ect
It's just my mind communicating with me saying
"dude...this current situation reaLLY sucks ass at the moment
and i really wish this mother fucken torture would stop,
it's really really lame"lol

 

[AFrozenSoul]

lol I figured you replied to me.. I was jsut not sure when since you blend all your responses together. Tis ok, I am going through a suicidal spat anyway...I do not like thinking during these times anyway.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

lol I figured you replied to me.. I was jsut not sure when since you blend all your responses together. Tis ok, I am going through a suicidal spat anyway...I do not like thinking during these times anyway.

Ok....
thats what I do when i get those negatvie thoughts and feelings.
I try to Stop thinking as best i can and not figure **** out anymore.

 

[AFrozenSoul]

@Lonesome Crow: I think the main difference between you and I is you actually have a lot of knowledge that I lack. You have had it for decades more than I have and you do not have to think about the things I do. I think about how to attract females, you already know. So you focus on other things. When you get down you can GOTFW (Go Out and **** Ten Women) to at least pass the time or make yourself feel better. Me on the other hand I cannot even get the girls in my fantasies to want me.

I guess we all have our coping mechanisms. However, you have the one that I want. After all you can get females my age. Something I cannot even do.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Im not better than you or smarter than you.
I would be totally lost of how to manage a website.

Women remains a mystery to me.lol
As much as Ive lived with them and had been with them.
As much as ive listen to seminars and read books about them.

Im just trying to pass on informations Ive gathered and from my own
experince to you of how to get a woman and be with one.
Millions of people stuggle with relationships..otherwise
there wouldnt be so many books, CD and seminars.
You can take it or leave it.

I also know what's it's like to not have something you want
and need out of life. For me...to love and be love..are
the basic neccesity a human being need to live and furrish.

Yes, you pretty summed it up. Im just copping.
It's not as if Im jumping for joy with a zest for life.

As far as dating women half my age..That wasnt planned.
I had to get to my age first.lmao
IDk...it kind of blew my mind the first time it happend too.
It was more like a fluke. She came into my life out of no where.
I just couldnt believe the things she was telling me and how
we clicked. And I couldnt believe that she would be that much
interested in me..beyound dating. She actaully wanted to form
a relationship with me. She was mature and well informed
on many subjects for her age. It actaully scared the living **** out me.
I walked away from her actaully. Because I still counldnt believe
it was happening. Lilianna...a beautiful name for a beautiful girl.

I still had a lot of old ideas and belief in me..at that time.
I cant turn back the time on that either. The what ifs?
Trying not to think too much about that either.
I dont know if i would had left her for Sassy, If I had build a relationship with Lilianna.
She gave me chills down my spine.

Things happen for reasons...IDK
Sassy cuaght at the right moment, as she always had.
Fransic and I were on an all out battle or at the end of that relationship.
Fighting every other night and it felt like we were breaking or already broken up.
The re engotiation stage....over and over again.
The only reason Francis wanted me back was becuase I told her I was leave for good.
She didnt even believe me until that day Sassy showed up.

The questions still remains elusive for me. i was a bit confused and unhappy prior of
Sassy coming back to me. After 22 yrs...that's a long...long time.

Everything seem to fell together at the time. Everything felt right when she came back to me.
I felt i would breathe again...really really breathe.
I felt purpose. I also felt its was devine order. It was more than just being in a relationship with her.
Everything felt right. It includes my spiritaulity. My faith and turst in God. Everything.

Sassy is 42. Francis was 29, Lilianna is 21 now...
So my decisions to be with Sassy wasnt like I was a fucken shallow s.o.b. only wanting to bang
young hot chicks. It wanst like that at all. I love Sassy.

There was a reason for it all.
The reason why I never chose to be with Lilianna
The reason why Jenni died...
That Sassy and I was ment to be together.

I havnt learned anything new or there's some lesson in life I was suppost to learn
after Sassy I can broke up.
Im about as fucken lost as i was ever before she came back to me.
I dont see any reasons or purpose for any of this...
It feels like a cluster ****....

When life loses purpose, reasons and meaning...I dont wanna live no more.
Yet...when Jenni died. I never saw any reasons behind her death either.

So I ma hold out until Dec 2012 at least.lol
Some great big change is suppose to happen.
Its probably gonna rain Lemmon Aid.LMAO

 

[AFrozenSoul]

Uhh you kind of miss my point. My point is that even if you do not conciously know what you are doing. You still know somewhere in your mind. Whether or not you plan these encounters is irrelevant. You can still go out and do it. I cannot do it that is how pathetic and stupid I am.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

K...I get you.

Its kind of like a person having OCD but in reverse for you.

When a person has ocd...they are fulley awear of their actions.
But they compulsively take those actions(such as washing their hands)
and cant stop doing it.

Dr Anthony Roberts explain this very condition you're going through.
It like a sort of hypnotic state.
He use an illustartion of a woman not being able to lift up a pencil
no matter how much will power she has...(but it's just a pencil).

Mind over matter.

So when your mind gose blank when trying to take the next step forward...
Youre sort of like in a hynotic state. That's why it gose blank?
Even if you tell yourself ..kiss the girl...kiss the girl..your body dosnt respond
to your command?
But you would be in control with other aspect of your life.

Kind of like having night terrors.
You know you're in a dream state or became half awaken
but you cant awaken yourself of the nightmair...your body dosnt respond to your mind's command.

Have you ever gotten into a deep depression..where you wont be able to get out of bed?
Everything becomes a struggle. Just telling yourself to get out of bed is a struggle.
Your body seems like it weight a ton and dosnt respond to your minds command...
But you know you need to get out of bed to feel better and improve your life.

 

[AFrozenSoul]

o.o... ok so you are replying to my other thread here too.. which is fine.. at least I think you are.. you mention something from that thread.

Anyway, yes I think you get it. I think of it more as muscle memory than I do as the opposite of OCD. Either way, you do not have to think about it.

I do not think you understand what I mean by my mind goes blank. I literally mean I cease to think. A few times I have been snapped back down to reality because I hold my breath. To answer you question about being in control of the rest of my life, the answer is no. I would basically be a frozen computer, until the girl leaves or until someone familiar talks to me. Most of the time I can say words. I am smart enough to know when I am supposed to respond. However, I am not smart enough to know what was said or what I should reply with.

Yes, though I have not felt so much like my body weighs too much as it feels like I am tired and it just hurts to move. Kind of like being REALLY sore after a workout.

 

[Thomas]]

soul, i read all your original post and flipped to this page.

You sound extremely similar to me in the way you think about many little things in a lot of detail and try to make conclusions. I think you seem really smart.

I would say our main difference is in positivity. I can only suggest that you be happy with who you are! Have self belief and self confidence a little in yourself friend. You don't need to "know what to reply with". You just need to reply however you want to reply! Because we're all people : ) We're all independant, and have our own opinions. And none of us can say whos opinion is right and wrong : ) I think you need to get that you needn't be afraid or ashamed of yourself. If you come accross as feeling that about yourself, then it will probably reflect how others percieve you also.

I'm a firm believer that all people are equal. We all have something unique and special and interesting to contribute to conversations and to other people. But I think you need to realise that you can do that, like anyone else : ). It probably sounds easy to say and a bit... idk, wishy washy. But you know, you seem like a really cool guy. I respect and understand your desire to get some "me-time" away from your housemate, and your annoyance that he invites himself to tag along and things. You think about things hard and make your own conclusions, many of which I totally agree with. You're a smart, and I think a nice guy. Don't be afraid to believe in yourself a little... When you do that, others will start to as well =x

Good luck with it m8, I really think it will get better for you. Just be happy : )

 

[AFrozenSoul]

@Thomas]: I find it harder and harder to believe that I am intelligent most days. I mean if I was intelligent I would not have any problems with socializing. However, that is just my own personal belief. Anyone can sound smart with enough time. I just have plenty of time to lie around and think about things.

I have been told I am not positive enough before. Problem is I find no reason to be positive most days. Most days I feel like I am just limping along and everyone is hating me. Those people who get annoyed with me at the gym because I am doing my workout, those people who think I should go on yellow, my ******* upstairs neighbors and their constant loud stomping. I have been met with hostility and rejection by default most of my life. The only time anyone is pleasant to me is when I am being sold something.

I wish I could just be happy, but I am not.. I have no reason to be happy.. well I have reasons.. I am not a deadbeat like my roommate, I am can support myself, I have job security. However, at the same time.. well I do not have the one thing I want the most, a sex life... so how can I be happy?

 

[Lonesome Crow]

[youtube]DfZjeLN5w_E[/youtube]


Relax and get in there..Dude
[youtube]VR6_KNKcteM[/youtube]

 

[Thomas]]

You say you want a sex life to be happy... I think you need to be happy to get that life you want =x

 

[AFrozenSoul]

@Lonesome Crow: SO I have not watched to second video.. at work and it is too long for now.. but.. the first one tells me that I should just ignore everything that is undesirable? I hate to say it but... it seems like this particular person requires me to have a very large support web to do what is suggested.

@Thomas]: Yeah that is what I am told.. hence I am at a deadlock. A requirement for one is the requirement for the other... hence I will just waste away here until someone shuts me down... well I guess I should say until I shut me down.