Mostly my past, and what it's done to me. My weird behavior, anxieties, over-thinking, extreme doubts, and cynicism. All my bad traits are myself projecting the people who did a good ******* number on my head. I know who I was before it, so I've come to terms that it is substantial and I can only try my best to realize when I'm doing it and go from there. Sometimes, it's an addiction. I've had all this further proven recently getting to know someone I now hold dear who has their own version of it.
And for whatever reason, I only keep in contact with select people theses day. They're all broken, yet beautiful people. Almost like I'm naturally drawn to them and only them now. As ****** up as it is to say. I find comfort in it, strangely. Sorry, I'm rambling lol.
If it's not the past, it's what was done to you that consumes or becomes a large part of you that you cannot erase. Always these walls or cages being built to contain oneself or a form self-defense because you know damn well what happens next. Being scared, Doubting oneself, Doubting others, Doubting the world... And most of all, letting your anxieties take over alongside it all... Replaying it all, again, again, and again. Simply because you're fully aware and in fact fighting your desires. Otherwise, why exactly is your mind repeating the cycle? In my opinion, You're missing something. And some of us just know exactly what that is... some don't.
Seeing these heart-breaking similarities in other people is a constant reminder that I should fight for what I've always wanted even if that means I fight off my past. Basically, taking my own advice I wouldn't given them in a sense. But, every time I do, I either hurt a lot of people, push them away, or when I revert back and stop fighting; the past has an even larger hold onto me than before. If I'm okay, it's brief and it's only a matter of time before those core desires of mine come back to the surface again. I'm really really trying to fight it, I ******* am... I just go insane sometimes in the process.
So, it's damn if you do, damn if you don't. So, 'I won't', is a viable option these days but it comes with the extreme consequence of wanting to end myself because of it. I'm slowly starting to care less what people think of me and what's seemingly childish or impatient. I just... know exactly what I want in life and I can't be without it otherwise it's not living to me from my point of view. It's the only thing that keeps me from my depressing thoughts, entirely. I know this, because I been through it and lost it all.... It's not me craving something I don't know. I just know the feelings entirely too damn well and **** the pain anymore. Maybe that's a strength in itself, or a weakness. Whatever it is, it feels like me to me.
I'm coming to terms with who I am lately, and it's about time I stop fighting myself. Maybe I'll get over my desire and find other passions in life, but living with such a strong and unrelenting desire is not easy to shake.. Especially when you see it everywhere around you in the world. Continuously. The one good and happy thing that is not questioned. Love. In it's pure form among a world full of corruption, darkness, and selfishness. How can you not be reminded of that desire you're trying your best to ignore in order to live on. It's in your face in everything you ******* do... I'm sure most of the forum can at least relate to that.
So, yeah, in a nutshell ; Even if I manage to find my dream partner, it won't last. Besides I think I've ruined my chances with a few that very much could have been. So, maybe this is karma now and I deserve all this. And even if I think I found it, again, something will get in the way. It always does. Mostly, myself. The world, a considerable second. My desires, pain, and past don't like me saying that but my mind knows it's the truth.
