What lesson am I supposed to be learning from all this loneliness?

[The_Viking_King_56]

40 years of loneliness and sadness...
Don't know how much more I can stand.

Is there supposed to be some great lesson in all this, or did I just get a ****** hand to play in this life?

Do I say "**** it" and bail out of a crappy, going nowhere relationship that will surely be unfulfilling till my dying day or just put my nose to the grindstone and die a slow, lonely death like I've been doing?
Can't take much more loneliness...

 

[TropicalStarfish]

I don't think I'm of the mind to think that all things in life are a lesson, in some way. I tend not to think that life itself is a lesson. Some people like to think that way.

I think it's probably true we can turn any experience into a learning experience, if we want to do so.

I wish I could offer some more help; but, I don't know..

I do think many of us, are dealt crap hands; poker is more skill than luck, though, even if only by a slim margin.

I dunno man... I still don't know what Joseph Campbell's, "follow your bliss," means. Seems some have found it sage advice, though.

Take care, whatever you decide. I'd like to think hope and faith, are the kind of tools, that always have a use...

 

[xephier102]

40 years of loneliness and sadness...
Don't know how much more I can stand.

Is there supposed to be some great lesson in all this, or did I just get a ****** hand to play in this life?

Do I say "**** it" and bail out of a crappy, going nowhere relationship that will surely be unfulfilling till my dying day or just put my nose to the grindstone and die a slow, lonely death like I've been doing?
Can't take much more loneliness...

42 here myself. Same here. Been mostly alone since the age of five. Although I always had people around until the age of 18ish. But even as a kid I spent most my time watching tv, reading books, or playing games by myself.

If you're like me, then life probably dealt you a **** hand. Hard to tell though, there's a lot of guys out there that're a sneeze away from "normal" and just think less of themselves because they haven't had any other input.

So in regards to your questions, I think we'd need more details in order to offer a more accurate assessment. As for life lessons, we should view everything in life as a lesson. Often nuggets of wisdom can be found in even the dimmest of bulbs.

Joseph Campbell's, "follow your bliss,"

Isn't he the cult leader from Farcry5?

I'd like to think hope and faith, are the kind of tools, that always have a use.

Hope for the best, plan for the worst. While it's good to have some positivity, false hope can be dangerous. And faith in other people.. it's something I'd like to believe in, but haven't seen any evidence of it in a very long time..

 

[TropicalStarfish]

Isn't he the cult leader from Farcry5?

Very far from it. He is was a wonderful and beautiful human being; and author of, "The Hero With a Thousand Faces."

 

[TheRealCallie]

A lesson? Maybe that you are in charge of how your life is? If you are unhappy, find a way to make yourself happy...or at least content with your life. If your marriage is done (and it sounds like it is, by your own words), get a divorce. Or maybe just a trial separation to see how things go. Perhaps it would wake her up and show her that she needs to change. I'm not saying issue an ultimatum. Those rarely work and when they do, the other person usually ends up with a lot of resentment from it.
Just find your own life. Unless you fully separate from her and it's 100% over, I wouldn't cheat on her, but go out, meet new people and see how you feel. It's not your job to fix her and make her what she used to be. People change, she may never be even close to the person she used to be, but why does that mean you get dragged down with her? Go find yourself. I know I say that a lot here, but that's the simple (not easy) solution. How can you get anything out of life if you don't know who you are? Maybe you know some of the things, but you clearly aren't happy, so you need to focus on yourself, whether you stay with her or you don't.

 

[user 135067]

If you were alone on the planet, the only person in nature, life would be a certain way. Add someone and life changes. Add a lot of someones and life changes all the more. Suddenly there are options. Also disagreements and arguments.

It is not life that is dealing you anything at all. Our lives are governed by the people around us. To change our lives we must change the people.

That's not even to say distance from those we've chosen. There are people somewhere that could enrich both of you.

Most people resist change. It always comes with uncertainty. Sometimes risk. But change is all we have when we are uncomfortable with life.

I'll submit, I do wonder why you are in a "crappy, going nowhere relationship that will surely be unfulfilling till my dying day" when I can only surmise that the relationship was once fulfilling. What is different? What changed? Maybe start there.

 

[9006]

I suppose there's a lesson in it if you think about it, but with loneliness it's like a lot of things: if you REALLY wanted to you could change it, it just completely depends on how much you want to, and the work you're wiling to put in.

Do I say "**** it" and bail out of a crappy, going nowhere relationship that will surely be unfulfilling till my dying day or just put my nose to the grindstone and die a slow, lonely death like I've been doing?

If you feel that way about a relationship then I think it's obvious, but you always have options so it's not dead set to just "put my nose to the grindstone and die a slow [death]".

 

[The_Viking_King_56]

A lesson? Maybe that you are in charge of how your life is? If you are unhappy, find a way to make yourself happy...or at least content with your life. If your marriage is done (and it sounds like it is, by your own words), get a divorce. Or maybe just a trial separation to see how things go. Perhaps it would wake her up and show her that she needs to change. I'm not saying issue an ultimatum. Those rarely work and when they do, the other person usually ends up with a lot of resentment from it.
Just find your own life. Unless you fully separate from her and it's 100% over, I wouldn't cheat on her, but go out, meet new people and see how you feel. It's not your job to fix her and make her what she used to be. People change, she may never be even close to the person she used to be, but why does that mean you get dragged down with her? Go find yourself. I know I say that a lot here, but that's the simple (not easy) solution. How can you get anything out of life if you don't know who you are? Maybe you know some of the things, but you clearly aren't happy, so you need to focus on yourself, whether you stay with her or you don't.

You are ultimately correct, I alone am in charge of my life being what it is....my life is empty of passion and the type of close loving relationship that my heart has always wanted and needed. My wife just doesn't have the same needs and desires that I have, she's always been cold hearted to a degree....which I unfortunately found out after I gave up everything to be with her. The first part of our relationship she was (seemingly) a very warm and loving person who I fell deeply in love with. Things changed several months into "us" where she turned cold as ice after receiving loads of attention from guys at work, although swearing that she never cheated on me, things have never gone back to the way that they started out. It's been many years of sadness and loneliness but I still can't bring myself to end our relationship because I still love her dearly. It's a "catch 22" type thing..I need more emotionally from her but don't want to destroy our marriage to "possibly" find it elsewhere.
It's a hell that I wouldn't want to wish on anyone.

 

[user 188685]

40 years of loneliness and sadness...
Don't know how much more I can stand.

Is there supposed to be some great lesson in all this, or did I just get a ****** hand to play in this life?

Do I say "**** it" and bail out of a crappy, going nowhere relationship that will surely be unfulfilling till my dying day or just put my nose to the grindstone and die a slow, lonely death like I've been doing?
Can't take much more loneliness...

I'm so sorry,I don't think it's a lesson,you are always in charge of your life,it's up to you always and you alone.

 

[The_Viking_King_56]

I'm so sorry,I don't think it's a lesson,you are always in charge of your life,it's up to you always and you alone.

Probably no lesson to be learned...I just chose 2 partners that couldn't, or in one case wouldn't, give me the love that I've wanted all my life. Unfortunate luck of the draw I guess...
So, as everyone has said, I should point my bow into the wind and sail away to find "The One".. Easier said than done when there's stepchildren who I've been more of a father to than their own dad, who love me like I'm their bio dad...and their kids love me also. I've already broken enough hearts in my life, the only one that I'm willing to sacrifice from here on out is my own.
Thank you for your words, they are always welcome.

 

[Finished]

Probably no lesson to be learned...I just chose 2 partners that couldn't, or in one case wouldn't, give me the love that I've wanted all my life. Unfortunate luck of the draw I guess...
So, as everyone has said, I should point my bow into the wind and sail away to find "The One".. Easier said than done when there's stepchildren who I've been more of a father to than their own dad, who love me like I'm their bio dad...and their kids love me also. I've already broken enough hearts in my life, the only one that I'm willing to sacrifice from here on out is my own.
Thank you for your words, they are always welcome.

Damn. Kids / step kids complicates everything. I still think I would have a few heart to heart talks or more to try to get atleast some of what you want. If you do this then I will do this. Try to keep it positive for positive. Maybe even get family therapy to pursuade her. In the end, if nothing else worked I think I would say I feel like XXXXX. I want XXXXX for you. But, you won't give that to me. I'm thinking about separation. But I don't want to do that. I really just want XXXXX. However, after all of that if she won't give you XXXXX then maybe you should move on as a last resort.

 

[The_Viking_King_56]

Damn. Kids / step kids complicates everything. I still think I would have a few heart to heart talks or more to try to get atleast some of what you want. If you do this then I will do this. Try to keep it positive for positive. Maybe even get family therapy to pursuade her. In the end, if nothing else worked I think I would say I feel like XXXXX. I want XXXXX for you. But, you won't give that to me. I'm thinking about separation. But I don't want to do that. I really just want XXXXX. However, after all of that if she won't give you XXXXX then maybe you should move on as a last resort.

I've told her straight out....I'm dying from loneliness and sadness. How much more honest and truthful can I be?? It goes in one ear and out the other. I don't believe that she has the capacity to show intimate love, she's been coldhearted for many years. I should've bailed 2 months into our "relationship" after she turned away from me emotionally and was chasing all the younger guys around but I was too god damn head over heels in love with her to pull away. I had already given up my life to be with her. Gave my ex 100% of our mutually owned business out of guilt for leaving our marriage. I got screwed and now I have to live with my decisions.
I think an affair with someone who is likewise starving for affection in their marriage and doesn't want to leave their present situation is my answer. Any love starved married women out there, hit me up..I've got what you need...love and affection galore. No scammers please!

 

[xephier102]

Very far from it. He is was a wonderful and beautiful human being; and author of, "The Hero With a Thousand Faces."

"to have a myth is to need no therapy. Campbell advocated myth as a panacea for not only psychological woes but also social woes, and he attributed almost all human problems to the absence of myth."

Eh.. doesn't seem like a very helpful person in the healthy growth of society.. to have myth is no need no therapy.. that's pretty much saying, to ignore your issues, and just focus on God,or w.e..

But this is why society is so messed up in the first place. Hundreds of millions of people that think the best way to deal with our issues is to ignore them or let those higher in power deal with them (and that doesn't bode well when the bulk of the issues being dealt with in modern society is propagated by those in power).

Religion only teaches us to live in a fantasy rather than facing our reality. Or put simply, cognitive dissonance.

 

[xephier102]

If your marriage is done (and it sounds like it is, by your own words), get a divorce.

This is kinda akin to offering blunt advice in matters of psychology.

I mean, the person did not give us any details regarding his marriage, or the the state of relations with his wife.

Too often in this day and age, the first answer to things not automatically working out in a relationship is either "more sex" or "find someone else". But Jordan Peterson has said some enlightened things regarding marriage, and relationships, and much of it is aimed at opening lines of communication, and better understanding one another.

I mean, after all, if you discard every relationship that doesn't work out, then they're likely not working out because you're just carrying the same issues from one relationship to the next.

Besides that, relationships that make it through the hardest times in a productive manner, will only grow stronger with age.

 

[TropicalStarfish]

"to have a myth is to need no therapy. Campbell advocated myth as a panacea for not only psychological woes but also social woes, and he attributed almost all human problems to the absence of myth."

Eh.. doesn't seem like a very helpful person in the healthy growth of society.. to have myth is no need no therapy.. that's pretty much saying, to ignore your issues, and just focus on God,or w.e..

But this is why society is so messed up in the first place. Hundreds of millions of people that think the best way to deal with our issues is to ignore them or let those higher in power deal with them (and that doesn't bode well when the bulk of the issues being dealt with in modern society is propagated by those in power).

Religion only teaches us to live in a fantasy rather than facing our reality. Or put simply, cognitive dissonance.

I've actually read Joseph Campbell's works. Delightful man. He was agnostic I believe and bumped elbows with Carl Jung from time to time.

 

[Finished]

I think an affair with someone who is likewise starving for affection in their marriage and doesn't want to leave their present situation is my answer. Any love starved married women out there, hit me up..I've got what you need...love and affection galore. No scammers please!

At this point that seems to be the best option. I say go for it!

 

[The_Viking_King_56]

At this point that seems to be the best option. I say go for it!

Not many folks have agreed with this approach. I appreciate your opinion!

 

[M_also_lonely]

40 years of loneliness and sadness...
Don't know how much more I can stand.

Is there supposed to be some great lesson in all this, or did I just get a ****** hand to play in this life?

Do I say "**** it" and bail out of a crappy, going nowhere relationship that will surely be unfulfilling till my dying day or just put my nose to the grindstone and die a slow, lonely death like I've been doing?
Can't take much more loneliness...

Every incident in life has a lesson. Whether we learn it or not depends on our awareness.
There must be something to be learned from this.

You know very well that millions of people claim to suffer from loneliness because they have no companion in some or the other form. You do have one. The biggest lesson would be to realize that the presence of a person is not what solves one's loneliness. And thus, loneliness is not the consequence of absence of a companion. This issue is much deeper and has to do with something more fundamental.

This also proves that one can be fulfilled without a companion. But I think this is only possible through transcendence. If there is desire of a companion, and you are being alone because you have seen the Buddhas do it, you are on a wrong path.

 

[The_Viking_King_56]

Every incident in life has a lesson. Whether we learn it or not depends on our awareness.
There must be something to be learned from this.

You know very well that millions of people claim to suffer from loneliness because they have no companion in some or the other form. You do have one. The biggest lesson would be to realize that the presence of a person is not what solves one's loneliness. And thus, loneliness is not the consequence of absence of a companion. This issue is much deeper and has to do with something more fundamental.

This also proves that one can be fulfilled without a companion. But I think this is only possible through transcendence. If there is desire of a companion, and you are being alone because you have seen the Buddhas do it, you are on a wrong path.

It was the absence of love from my companion that caused my loneliness. One can be in the middle of a crowd of people and still be lonely.

 

[Cucuboth]

I know a lot of people, here included, say that the lessons we learn from loneliness are to know, and love, ourselves. To be independent and not dependent on others. To find ourselves, and our own happiness, within ourselves.

Now, to be honest, I am 46, I love myself just fine (only we, the individual, can know and judge that, not someone online who doesn’t even know us), I have my hobbies and interest, I am indepenant and can look after myself. I know I am strong …

… and quite often, I am told that knowing and being these things is a reason why most people assume I don’t want, nor need, friends or a relationship. “You’re so strong, you don’t need anyone”, I was told that just yesterday. A lot of people seem to think they can make these decisions for us, and often, in my experiences, they get angry and quite abusive if you tell or show them that they can’t.

I guess, if I had to say there was a lesson, or lessons, to learn from loneliness, it would be to be honest with yourself about what you need and want, about what is important to you. People will give you suggestions and advice based on their own lives and experience, and, as shocking to them as it may be, their experiences aren’t ours, so their advice and suggestions my not be helpful, and may not work for us at all.

Really, no matter what people say, very, very few people can do everything on their own. Most get through life with someone being there, with some support and encouragement, with some connection to another. That’s all I have been looking for all my life. But the older I get, the stronger I am told I am, and the more lonely I get.

Part of loving myself was, and is, acknowledging that I can’t and don’t want to go through life alone. That I still want at least a chance to have my own family. That I want someone to be there for, as much as they would be there for me.