What the heck happened to me.

[Drew88]

I don't know where to start ,so I probably will be rambling. As many of you may have known about my past rants on here, that when it comes to me and relationships things haven't been smooth. I would like to say that after last night things have only gotten more complex. The fact of the matter is that I took advantage of a girl last night, something I had no intention of ever doing. Nor something I sent out to do. Which is a shame because I really like the woman and had hope for more and still kind of do. We met online Wednesday. I was talking to her and some other girl and I was deciding on who maybe I should go on a date with. I picked her. I even restrained from self pleasuring myself just incase something woulds happen. We met last night and we got together really well. We played a couple games, walk, dinner, movie and then I go to drop her off. I decided that I was going to kiss her at least, so she knew I was serious. We made out and one thing led to another on both sides and then I came.... She then said that she we should get a condom if we were going to go any farther, I told her that I already came. she got the dead look in her eyes and yelled that she wasn't protected. I told her that I would except responsibility if something arises and I was sorry, but the chances of that happening were low do to my questionable fertility. A cop pass so we quickly got dress, all while I was trying to comfort her, then she got out of the car angerly. I tried to reflect in my car, but figured I should probably get out of there in case she sent her dad after me.

Here is where it gets tricky. As I rode back in shame in my reflection I was dealing with the fact that I didn't feel anything one way or another. I felt shame yes, but that was probably due to the fact that I knew that nothing will come now for certain. I cried yes, but over the fact that the only thing I felt was the fact that I didn't feel anything. I don't know what happened to me or if anything happened at all. I am a very selfish, cold, apparently manipulative person. I don't know if it is my nature or if it was due to factors in my development growing up. If it was my Isolation growing up, The interaction or lack of from my parents,, my failed relationships, or my false exceptions of the world. All I know is that everything has been on my mind from suicide, to self castration, to intentionally sabotaging my fertility, to stop going after relationships, to total despair. I have thought about it nonstop and will probably think about it for a while. Its effecting my appetite and my sleep. I have have felt everything from sadness and despair to anger and hate. I in fact just got up not that long ago and had an anxiety attack and now I have a headache. I see, and have always seen, I am a bad guy. My love for others is far from apparent. I call myself Christian, but the fact of the matter is I don't care about anything. It is said that relationships are not for everybody and I refuse to except that for myself, but I am afraid that it is so for myself. The pain that I have knowing that I can not give myself to another person, not provide for a family or I can but act very controlling and eventually destructive (at least so far) is discouraging. The fact I want someone, I want a child, a family, a lover, but I will not take my time, or slow, or safe is even more reason. Why give me these wants, when I am clearly unable to be good? I wish I can get rid of those feelings some how and just live and not have to worry about loneliness or wanting more. I want those emotions out. I know that alot of my problems with progress is due to my FSGS in my kidneys and alot of the uncertainty that it brings. But that is not justification. And the worst part? Even though I betrayed her, she told me that she was going to take the morning after pill. Which probably isn't a bad thing from most people POV. Me? I am taking it as rejection even though she said before hand that she had little interest in continuing this.

I am a bad person. The truth of the matter is that I use people, I do not care. I do not need anybody to point that out. I do not need people to tell me what i have done is wrong, on here or anywhere else. I also do not need pity, pity does little. I deserve my continued isolation, its whats best and safe for other. I just thought I would share. and please somebody shoot me. I do a whole lot of hell worse for the world then good. The people in my life would be better off....

 

[Sci-Fi]

Wow...well...I wouldn't say you are a bad guy. I'm going to be brutally honest here with my opinion, it's not like you did something criminal you just made a poor decision and did something stupid. People do stupid things, it happens. You say you didn't feel anything but from your post you obviously regret what you did and are seriously beating yourself up over it. Whatever happens from this happens, you'll have to take it and learn from it. You aren't a bad person, you are feeling much more than you think you are. You won't get any pity from me, and you didn't do anything wrong because you weren't the only one involved, you both made a dumb choice, you never stick it unless you slick it.

You also don't deserve isolation or to be shot. I see two people who got caught up in the heat of the moment, and let things go a bit too far before making a wise decision. And now I see a guy who is extremely overwrought with what they did, a caring emotional human being.

 

[Seeker]

Pretty much what Sci-Fi said, you are being extremely hard on yourself. Humans make mistakes, that's how our nature works and yes, you are to blame for this but not entirely, she should be careful too. The thing to do now is learn from your mistake and if you really think you are a bad person (and i think you aren't, just beating yourself up because the deed is still fresh), try to work on it instead of blaming yourself for everything.

 

[Drew88]

Wow...well...I wouldn't say you are a bad guy. I'm going to be brutally honest here with my opinion, it's not like you did something criminal you just made a poor decision and did something stupid. People do stupid things, it happens. You say you didn't feel anything but from your post you obviously regret what you did and are seriously beating yourself up over it. Whatever happens from this happens, you'll have to take it and learn from it. You aren't a bad person, you are feeling much more than you think you are. You won't get any pity from me, and you didn't do anything wrong because you weren't the only one involved, you both made a dumb choice, you never stick it unless you slick it.

You also don't deserve isolation or to be shot. I see two people who got caught up in the heat of the moment, and let things go a bit too far before making a wise decision. And now I see a guy who is extremely overwrought with what they did, a caring emotional human being.

Thank u so much. Ur reply bought tears to my eyes.

 

[Okiedokes]

The fact that you posted this shows you do care and have feelings for other people. I agree with Sci Fi that it was a mistake and people make mistakes all the time, doesn't make you a terrible person. On another note, it isn't all your fault as she could have said something before it went that far.

 

[MTrip]

You have a conscience, Drew. If you were truly bad--that is, sociopathic--you would never have felt the need to post such a narrative to begin with. Those who are cold, those who just use other people as devices to achieve selfish ends, never feel guilty or sad about their deeds. You were just being unwise, but so was the woman you were with. In the US we have a saying: "It takes two to tango." And being foolish is a part of being human. We all make mistakes, sometimes serious ones.

Having said that, I'll add what no one else here has yet...


If you're gonna play the field, then bring a couple jimmy hats with you.


And make sure they aren't past their expiration dates. You can't have things go much more wrong than getting into a mattress rodeo, then having the ski mask break when you & she are locked in the ancient wrestling match of love.

 

[Sci-Fi]

^ That's what I meant by "if you are going to stick it slick it"

Thank u so much. Ur reply bought tears to my eyes.

Didn't mean to make you cry but hopefully you are feeling a bit better now with all the supportive posts.

 

[Drew88]

I am trying, I really am. So much going on in my head. So many raw emotions. I care way too much, I had the opportunity to grow with somebody that I really felt for and I blew it. Now I am grabbing at straws. NEVER AGAIN

 

[Senamian]

Trust me... That dead look in her eyes was the fear of the unknown; the fear of not being ready. She doesn't blame you, in fact, in her head she blames herself because of the whole "I should have been more careful".
Do you really care for her? Has she really told you "don't bother coming back!"? Everyone has something to work on, to make themselves better.

Don't put yourself down or beat yourself up... Like it has been mentioned, an actual BAD person wouldn't give a damn about telling other people how he felt. In fact, a lot of BAD people brag and joke about it as if the situation, and the people a part of the situation were nothing but a part of a cruel game. You are obviously NOT a bad person.

You made a mistake. We all do. Sadly it is a part of being human... However, mistakes are lessons that we need to learn from.

 

[Drew88]

Trust me... That dead look in her eyes was the fear of the unknown; the fear of not being ready. She doesn't blame you, in fact, in her head she blames herself because of the whole "I should have been more careful".
Do you really care for her? Has she really told you "don't bother coming back!"? Everyone has something to work on, to make themselves better.

Don't put yourself down or beat yourself up... Like it has been mentioned, an actual BAD person wouldn't give a damn about telling other people how he felt. In fact, a lot of BAD people brag and joke about it as if the situation, and the people a part of the situation were nothing but a part of a cruel game. You are obviously NOT a bad person.

You made a mistake. We all do. Sadly it is a part of being human... However, mistakes are lessons that we need to learn from.

Your right and yes she basically has. I gave her space and tried to move by going on another date to get my mind off of her. While I was on that date she asked if I was ok. I said yes. I told her that I meant what i said about not being a casual guy and that if she wants something that I would be there for her. The next morning she told me that she rather abstain from relationships. I told her that I would respect her wishes and would restrain myself and that I basically want to be with her. She told me we can not be together. I told her that I would wait till she was done with school, and still try to find something while I waited. she told me no, and that she didn't want to give me false hope. I basically talked to her about how I was feeling and how it seems like she was being cold and not seemly feeling anything. I tried many things to see if she truly did care, but now I wonder. we got along Sooooo well and I'll never understand. but back to where I was, as the conversation kept going she said that now she sees that we were not compatible and I told her how I thought the opposite based on how we shared ALOT of the same views tastes etc. She in turn was growing increasingly angry and so I had to tell her that I was sorry one more time and say that I had to shut up because all that I was doing was making her mad. I haven't heard from her since the reply to that text and I haven't text her since. I got rid of most of the ways to contact her, but there are a few loop hopes.

I am a hopeless fool though and part of me wonders if she will ever come around. The one thing that gives me hope is that i told her to block me. She told me she did, but I checked yesterday and I can still see her profile (no I do not stock I was just curious). So she may have unblock me which means she may still cares. She refused at 1st because she like what if I get pregnant even after taking the morning after pill and I am like thats why you have my number. I wanted to cut all ties to her so I am not tempted and be overly desperate. let her decide, because well thats how it works with these freaking dumb gender roles.


All I can do now is try to move on and heal. I still hope, but I think she is too strong and rational to reach back out to me. (I kind of wish she would stock this board, but I fear she would push herself away more) I was really hurt this time, the worse I've ever been and I kind of want to withdraw and not put myself out there again like that. It just not worth it. I want to try, but I do not know if I can even do that. I still struggle and break down, though I am getting somewhat better. I finally ate yesterday after about 48 hours of not eating and got some decent sleep last night of which I didn't the nights before.

I've been though this kind of before with my ex, but we didn't get that close the 1st time as this last one and she did come around a week later. though she was in a different place in her life and was obvious a different person.

I now fear hitting it off really well with somebody and I can see myself pushing myself away if I do. I do not know where to go or what to do, my only hope is that I can continue abstaining from self indulgence. Thats the only good thing so far that has come out of it, if I do not do that then I do not lust which means I can be more patience and step back. Unfortunately, I do not have much of anything to distract me sooo I am just in my own thoughts. Also I may have traits of asburgers, which may explain alot. I just get attached so quickly to partental partners and that rejection really hard I guess.

Sorry for rambling, like I said lots on the brain.

One more thing.
YES, I DO CARE FOR HER, but I fear that I may have destroyed any chances by pushing.

 

[Seeker]

Dude, sorry if I sound too direct and sorry if I'm wrong, but it seems to me that after what happened the girl, regardless of whether she blames herself too or not, wants nothing to do with you, which is only logical after what happened. Your first night together was confusing enough to stop any emotions she might had had for you. Even your apologies and help offers may sound more like an attempt to feel better yourself than comfort her, women have a way of sensing these things. Either way, I think you are beating a dead horse and should give up on her completely, if she ever feels ready for you she may come back, you did leave the door open for her. If she doesn't you move on, you can't undo the past but you can control your future.

 

[Drew88]

Dude, sorry if I sound too direct and sorry if I'm wrong, but it seems to me that after what happened the girl, regardless of whether she blames herself too or not, wants nothing to do with you, which is only logical after what happened. Your first night together was confusing enough to stop any emotions she might had had for you. Even your apologies and help offers may sound more like an attempt to feel better yourself than comfort her, women have a way of sensing these things. Either way, I think you are beating a dead horse and should give up on her completely, if she ever feels ready for you she may come back, you did leave the door open for her. If she doesn't you move on, you can undo the past but you can control your future.

Thank you. Ur right and I know. I'm trying, I really am. But so hard not to be bitter. I hate relationships and I hate women.