Whats the alternative?

[Delilah]

Sometimes I feel so lonely I barely have the energy to breathe, but I can’t see an alternative to loneliness.

It’s not that I can’t make friends – I just choose not to make friends. I’m not shy. People usually like me without me having to make an effort. I can walk into a room full of strangers and strike up a conversation or beginnings of a friendship with just about anyone.

But the problem is that I just can’t trust anyone. Everybody seems so fake. People never just say what they really mean – everything has to be translated and decrypted and even then you can’t be sure you really understood properly. For as long as I can remember I have never trusted people, especially ‘normal’ people. I always thought that underneath their normalness was a dark side full of nastiness and horrible thoughts.

But I’m a rational human being and one day realised that I was probably being silly and that maybe normal people were okay. So I went out a while back and I got into a relationship with someone who was the absolute epitome of ‘normal’. He was highly respected in a very good job with a whole host of ‘normal’ friends and family and hobbies. And I broke the habit of a lifetime – let my guard down, let myself trust him, and so on. Then one day he told me about his preoccupation with a fantasy he has about abducting, beating, torturing, and raping ten year old girls.

So if that’s what ‘normal’ is, and that’s what ‘normal’ people are thinking about, what is the point in bothering? How can you ever learn to trust people when underneath they are so vicious and nasty?

The more I try to be around ‘normal’ people, the more lonely I feel because I just don’t understand them at all. More than that, I don’t want to understand them if that’s what they are really thinking about.

So what is the alternative to being lonely? It seems to me that the only way to not be lonely is to be ‘normal’, and from what I’ve seen of ‘normal’ people I would rather be lonely.

 

[Sci-Fi]

Interesting. Just to get this out of the way, your (I assume) ex is sick, amazing he actually opened up and told you such a perverse disgusting thing, but that is sick. Sometimes it's best to have secrets in a relationship, hopefully he never acts on that...fantasy...but he might need professional help. There's a saying that goes, "Who are we to say what is normal", but that guy IS NOT normal. You said he was highly respected, good job, normal friends and family and hobbies, so do I, well maybe not my hobbies but that is debatable because there are a ton of people out there with the same hobbies, so who says mine aren't normal. Family is a whole other story. What attributes do you consider to be 'normal' because those things you listed a lot of people can fit into?

 

[LGH1288]

Hi Delilah -- Welcome to ALL! Your intro post blew me away. While I prefer to withhold any comment on the "normal" label (except to say that your story about the "normal guy" was indeed very disturbing), I will comment on trust. From what you've posted it's clear that you socialize well but in life you've been continually disappointed that the people you meet are not being open, honest, and forthright with you. The fact that there will always be people who lack personal authenticity and integrity is something that will never change. I guess the key to solving your dilemma is finding a way to improve your chances for meeting kind, honest people who are respectful of you. This forum, ALL, is a good place to start because some of us share your frustration and concern with the same trust issue. I am one of those people. I consider myself to be a very reliable, trustworthy person and I seek the same of others. I hope you'll give us here a chance to earn your trust. Please stick around! Best, LG

 

[Delilah]

@ Sci-Fi – I’m still trying to figure out what normal is, but I suppose to me ‘normal people’ = people who participate in the most popular/accepted parts of society (eg, working in an office, reading gossip magazines, drinking in bars, getting married, having a mortgage and so on). I think I looked to him to show me what normal was. As for him needing professional help, he is a mental health professional and he believes that he is ‘normal’ and that anyone who doesn’t share his views is mentally ill. He’s not the first man I’ve come across with fantasies like that either – a few years ago I caught a different ex searching for pictures of naked kids on the internet. But I take your point about what is ‘normal’- I have no idea.

@LG – Thank you for the welcome. It’s just been such a long time since I met anyone who is genuine that it’s hard to remember that there are authentic people out there. The trouble is that people always seem honest and nice at first and it’s only later that I look back and feel like an idiot for not seeing the glaringly obvious signs of deceit, and I’ve completely lost faith in my ability to tell the difference now. But anyway its nice to find somewhere like this and know that there are others out there who have similar feelings.

 

[Sci-Fi]

You know Delilah, sometimes it is glaringly obvious when we shouldn't trust people but for some reason we still want to. I did that, I knew a friend of mine couldn't be trusted but I wanted to think we were on a different level. He told me how he used friends in the past, I knew more about him than anyone. The danger was there and I was still stabbed in the back by him. So I'm right with you on trusting people, its not worth it. To me it's keeping true to yourself, we can't control what other people do, we can only control what we do. I'm a firm believer that everyone has their own dark corner of the universe, where thoughts sometimes reside that shouldn't. It's just how dark your corner gets. Dun dun dun.

Anyway, you are not alone and I forgot to welcome you to the site. This is a great place like LGH said, lots of people here who are going/have gone through similar things.

 

[Stephanie]

Delilah,

I have trust issues also so I know just how you feel. I don't know what made him confess to something like that to you, but don't let this one experience make you believe that all 'normal' people have ugly fantasies.

But everyone likely does have a deep dark fantasy of some kind. I like to think that most people have a firm enough grip on right and wrong to not act on those fantasies. What a person thinks about in the privacy of their imagination is one thing; what they do is quite another. But even having said that, I cannot believe that this man told you that fantasy. Holy ****, that's scary. I've had friends who have shared their deep dark secret fantasies with me before but none of them were anything like that. Just...damn!

Unfortunately, there's no way to know who is really sick in spirit (such as that man) and who isn't. But observe their behavior. Behavior always speaks louder than words. Watch their body language. Listen not only to what is said, but how it's said. And if anything confuses you, call them out for it, make them account for discrepancies between behavior/words or body language/words. Most people are fairly decent and you will never have to worry about stuff like what you mentioned above. And if they're not fairly decent, well, they can't hide it forever and you will get a clue about it quick enough.

I hope this helps.

 

[Minus]

So if that’s what ‘normal’ is, and that’s what ‘normal’ people are thinking about....

Whether you wish to see "normal" as conforming to the norms of your society, or as a lack of significant deviation from the average, that is not normal in any society that i am aware of. It would seem to me that fantasies of beating and raping ten year old girls would be rather abnormal.

 

[jjam]

And I broke the habit of a lifetime – let my guard down, let myself trust him, and so on. Then one day he told me about his preoccupation with a fantasy he has about abducting, beating, torturing, and raping ten year old girls.

I...uh... well...


damn

 

[HappyYogi]

Delijiah~

You are barking up the wrong tree!

Even I, as someone who does not have a lot of friends, I know there are lots of honest, sincere people out there.

If I was hanging out with the people you were hanging out with, I'd feel depressed to.

Stop going for "normal". Go for more who you are. That is where you'll find more satisfying relationships.