Whenever I try to open the door to sensuality/sexuality I just get burned :\

[TheSolitaryMan]

Well hello all. Me again! Back for the time-honoured tradition of a little bit of a moan...and secretly 'cos I miss you all *snuggles*

I've been dating a few girls on and off. It sounds terrible, but a lot of the time I've been going on dates just because I'm really, really bored. Having someone to have a drink with just kind of takes that away for a bit, dissipates the air of "I spend my whole life sitting at tables doing things with machines".

Anyway, I've started feeling like one of my biggest personal issues is a real inability to feel comfortable physically with people I find attractive. Thought I'd mention that here for some advice, really.

Despite being mid-twenties, I've never felt comfortable with kissing, sex, or any real physical intimacy. If girls lean in to cuddle or kiss I actually find myself just seizing up and feeling this "WTF, she wants to kiss me?" feeling. I've even sort of lunged backwards on occasion

Which might make sense if I were gay. I'm straight though. I've never felt any kind of physical attraction to a guy. Girls are really hot! I want to have sex with one I really like! So this weird feeling of "oh **** I can't handle this" every time things get more physical with a girl is all very confusing and irritating :rolleyes2:

Anyway, I think the worst thing is literally every time I try to open up this chasm of physical inexperience a little bit, I seem to just get slapped down and feel hugely embarrassed. Which reinforces that I'm probably really bad at sex/physical stuff/flirting and I feel like giving up.

I've tried doing the cybersex thing with one girl before. And after testing the water with gentle lines she replied with some rude stuff. So I got a tiny bit ruder and just got a reply of "that's ****." followed by silence.

A bit disheartening! I mean, is that normal? Or am I just meeting some pretty impatient and mean people? Not particularly keen on losing my virginity and just getting comments like that afterwards, but it kind of feels like that's the inevitable destination.

Any girl who wants to sleep with me these days has about 8+ years of experience to my zero, so I pretty much decline every time out of sheer discomfort at the idea. I just feel like I'm so unbearably crap at anything primal and physical that I should just abstain from it forever tbh :s

 

[Paraiyar]

Regarding that last paragraph. You just have to stop declining and take the risk. Otherwise you won't get out of this situation.

 

[VanillaCreme]

You kind of just have to do it. Let it happen. Stopping yourself time after time just perpetuates not doing it.

 

[ardour]

Not long ago you were complaining about not getting a second date. Now it seems women are interested in you. I would be celebrating, not worrying. Who cares about the experience disparity; what does that actually mean anyway - that they're going to be better at the physical stuff?

 

[there is no hope]

The few real women on cybersex sites are ******* messed up. I don't think it should be used as a baseline for normal human interaction.
Not that I can claim to be a paragon of sanity...

I'm pretty sure I'm never going to satisfy my desires in such regard, but it's never been anything more than a desire for someone. "Love" or even a long-term attachment is something I can't even fathom; the closest I come to a long-term attachment comes from laziness and a desire to stop chasing. Maybe that is what it is for most people and I'm seeing more than there is - I tend to believe that given what I rationally know.

 

[TheRealCallie]

If you want to have sex or get intimate with someone in any way, you will eventually just have to let it happen. You could just be scared to let it go that far, but you don't have to be.
As for the lack of experience, who cares about that, it's not really a big deal to the right girl, to a girl that actually cares about you.

 

[ladyforsaken]

Despite being mid-twenties, I've never felt comfortable with kissing, sex, or any real physical intimacy. If girls lean in to cuddle or kiss I actually find myself just seizing up and feeling this "WTF, she wants to kiss me?" feeling. I've even sort of lunged backwards on occasion

Which might make sense if I were gay. I'm straight though. I've never felt any kind of physical attraction to a guy. Girls are really hot! I want to have sex with one I really like! So this weird feeling of "oh **** I can't handle this" every time things get more physical with a girl is all very confusing and irritating :rolleyes2:

Anyway, I think the worst thing is literally every time I try to open up this chasm of physical inexperience a little bit, I seem to just get slapped down and feel hugely embarrassed. Which reinforces that I'm probably really bad at sex/physical stuff/flirting and I feel like giving up.

It seems to me like it's mostly insecurity/fear/anxiety that might stop you from feeling comfortable. I remember I faced a lot of these feelings too but then just eventually pushing yourself out of your comfort zone and just doing it helped me break those barriers. Not what other ways could help you but finding someone who's understanding, patient and kind towards you in this area helps too.

I've tried doing the cybersex thing with one girl before. And after testing the water with gentle lines she replied with some rude stuff. So I got a tiny bit ruder and just got a reply of "that's ****." followed by silence.

A bit disheartening! I mean, is that normal? Or am I just meeting some pretty impatient and mean people? Not particularly keen on losing my virginity and just getting comments like that afterwards, but it kind of feels like that's the inevitable destination.

I think you've been meeting some pretty impatient and mean people lol. If someone really likes you or enjoys your company, they'd help you get in the mood etc. Not put you down.

Any girl who wants to sleep with me these days has about 8+ years of experience to my zero, so I pretty much decline every time out of sheer discomfort at the idea. I just feel like I'm so unbearably crap at anything primal and physical that I should just abstain from it forever tbh :s

You can't think like that though, then you're just limiting yourself. Some women prefer men with no previous experience. Some women don't mind it at all either.

 

[Cucuboth]

At least you get to have a chance. Whenever I even try to express any sensuality/sexuality, especially any interest in it, I become the most foul disgusting thing that has ever walked upon the face of the Earth. Well, even more so that I am usually treated. You could try that for 25 years or so and see how it goes yeah.

 

[ThatZealousOne]

Well, cybersex can be a good way of getting comfortable with such things. Though trying it with just one person isn't going to get you very far. Heh. I have actually been fairly involved in erotic chatroom roleplay after doing some SFW roleplay on several chat sites. I think it's a nice way to get to know what to expect, both on an emotional level and a physical one. Like with everything though, one needs practice. And also, one needs the right partner. Heh. Sounds like you found a bit of a bad egg, which are around, heh. I've had a few myself.

Still, I suppose you have to just get comfortable with the idea. Trust me, I'd certainly love to have at least have the opportunity to be close like that, I wouldn't be throwing them away so easily. As far as I know, nothing is comfortable about intimacy with a person for the first time, so I guess it's just a case of manning up? Heh.

 

[TheSolitaryMan]

Thanks for the replies, guys. It's good to know it's sort of normal, I guess!

Just seems like all my friends did all this stuff years and years ago. None of them understand my hesitancy with it all - so I never tell them the whole story because it's just embarrassing really

To be honest I think I'm a fairly long way from any substantial physical intimacy anyway. It's just a bit frustrating when every second or third date I go on ends with me sort of awkwardly hugging because I can't just man up and go for a kiss or something

I'm getting the dates every now and then, though, so I guess that's something to be happy about...

 

[Menorahman]

The grass is always greener man. Stop looking for things that are wrong and just act. You can ask them or make a funny / awkward statement about a first kiss too.