Why are you a loner?

[Unlucky7]

I'm not really sure why I'm lonely. But I'm always on the side.
When I was younger I didn't have any friends, except maybe 1 or 2 but we weren't really good friends. I was quiet, shy & bullied. I still am quiet & shy, not bullied but not at all popular.
Now, in college, I actually have a group of friends, but I'm almost always on the side. I also moved from another country & joined them later, so I feel like they know each other much better than they know me. They all have a best friend, but me.
I kind of wander from friend to friend, thinking I've found a best friend who later turns her back on me & starts talking more to another girl of the group. There's really nobody in our group who knows me, even if I know them really well.
I guess that's what makes me lonely even among my friends. I never speak about my self and then feel alone because they don't know me.
Then one of them are in a relationship now, & I've only been in 1 relationship for my whole life, & I didn't even like the guy. But it makes me feel even more lonely.
Then I also have a big family so it's kind of hard for my parents to keep track of all the children, & I fight w. my siblings instead of being friends w. them.
Then, 2 of my older sisters have moved away from home, which is why my parents get so happy whenever they get to see them. They also take care of my little brother because he is the youngest. I'm always just sort of there, like with my friends. My family doesn't know me well either.
So, writing this I realize it's because I don't open up to people. I keep everything to myself and don't let people get to know me, and then I feel lonely when they don't. I just don't want to bother people w. my stuff & my feelings, but at the same time I feel the need to talk to somebody.
Also, I'm a dreamer so I live in my own world instead of talking to others. Sometimes I wish I had better friends, sometimes it doesn't bother me.

 

[echo]

My reasons are a bit similar to BornMisfit and Emmy's.

I am a strange person, I often feel that I don't belong in this world, I have experiences that I've been living through since I was 13 that are hard to explain to anyone without feeling awkward or like I'm overwhelming. I am simply different from most people, I cannot relate to most of society. Society is very shallow, very closed-minded, very blocking, very intolerant, very wary, I can't connect with people, I can't have a deep relationship with someone I meet in school or the store or anything because most people just don't want a deep connection, they just don't want a deep connection and a deep connection is exactly what I want in relationships.

I only want deepness, I want emotions, expressions, I want passion in the person's heart, I only want to be with people who I feel could be actually meaningful to me, people who are very empathic and open and accepting of the type of things I am a part of. I can seem overwhelming with the way I express myself or the way that I am passionate about the things that make me who I am. Most people can't connect with that same level of emotional/mental intimacy that I need, most people don't want to bother, most people don't want anything to do with anything deep.

So the times I've tried to connect with people such as school mates and people around me, it's quite impossible to have any deep connections with them because they are simply not the type of people that I can show my true self with. There is rejection too because of how society is like with its closed-mindedness and intolerance yet I do know that there are other people like me, there are people out there in this world who I could relate completely, I know there are people in this world who I can share my passions with...I just hope to meet them some day, somehow, somewhere.

And like Emmy said, I am always in the house and I don't "put myself out there" enough either but I get discouraged because like I said, I want to be with very specific types of people and I don't think I'll find them in bars, parties or malls any time soon, or who knows? Anything is possible.

But yeah, that's why I'm alone, people just don't want the deep connections that I want and the type of people that would be capable of accepting me, understanding me and forming a deep connection with me, they seem so rare almost non-existent. :/

 

[Nightwatcher]

Well i'm a loner because of shyness at young age. Although i have come over that somewhat im still stuck with the consequenses of being shy.

 

[QuietGuy]

I only want deepness, I want emotions, expressions, I want passion in the person's heart, I only want to be with people who I feel could be actually meaningful to me, people who are very empathic and open and accepting of the type of things I am a part of. I can seem overwhelming with the way I express myself or the way that I am passionate about the things that make me who I am.

So the times I've tried to connect with people such as school mates and people around me, it's quite impossible to have any deep connections with them because they are simply not the type of people that I can show my true self with.

^^^ It's so nice when you're trying to put something into words, and then you find that someone else has done it for you, and better than you could have done!

I have quite a few friends, but almost none of my friendships are deep. I often feel like I'm just paddling in the shallow waves at the seashore, when what I really long to do is dive deep into the ocean's depths.

Obviously a certain amount of "small talk" is required with people, but it's so frustratingly shallow. I only do it to be polite, and because there are situations where it would be awkward not to make small talk.

I have such a strong desire to talk about deep things with like-minded people: life, death, philosophy, psychology, ethics, morality, physics, cosmology, relativity, quantum mechanics, existence, reality, mind, consciousness, spirituality, etc.

But as you say, echo, a lot of people don't seem to be interested in diving to such depths. They would rather talk about the latest celebrity gossip, how drunk they got on Saturday night, how they just spent over $400 on their latest trip to the mall, etc.

I have no interest in talking about such things. I would rather be alone than have to pretend to be interested in all that shallow meaningless stuff.

 

[Introv]

I'm an only child, so, naturally, I was spending a lot of time alone from the get go. I had friends in school but my interests were always a different than theirs. For one, I never had cable tv until age 12 and never really got into video games that much. I guess I never really learned how to make friends the way most kids do, through common interests and such. I'm okay with being a loner, but I don't want to go through life not being connected to people, especially not having any siblings.

 

[SadCassie]

I have been a loner all of my life. In school I never had friends. I ate alone at lunch and was alone at recess. Noone chose me to play in games and kids rolled their eyes when I walked into the room. I was the ultimate loser...that one kid that noone... even the paste eating, brick wall punching freaks didn't want anything to do with.
Like some other posters, I was a highly intelligent child (although the opposite was always presupposed) and very anxious all the time. I was tall and skinny, and Ill admit not a very pretty girl.
Life goes on right? Nothing has changed...except my self confidence. Desite years of being alone. I feel that I have turned to myself for the love and comfort I am missing...but I admit not having a friend to call on to help me when I'm sick, sad is pretty sobering and cold. I had a boating accident a week ago...there was noone to drive me home from the hospital, which was 45 mins from home. I'd rented a cottage for myself and was on "vacation"
Some vacation. :shy:

 

[Nightwatcher]

The reason for me being a loner is about the same as xelha, due to shyness mainly at a young age. I was for my self and didn't grab any attention. I had one or two friends back then but that was it. As time passed on my shyness eased to some degree. But

 

[Nightwatcher]

The reason for me being a loner is about the same as Xelha, due to shyness.
It all started when i was about to start elementary school. I was real shy back then. I preferd my own company and was for my self most of the time, didnt really grab any attention. I had one or two friends back then but that was it. My shyness left me out of the common life that children of that age have since i spent most of my free time at home.

As time passed on my shyness eased to some degree. But im still stuck in the same habbits i used to have back in day when i was very shy.

Parts of me desire a normal life with friends but the other part just want other people who try to know you to bugger off. I guess its because i dont have any real experience with other people. Ultimatly i would like to have friends but a distance from my self, but things doesnt work that way.

Its not easy to get you gramar correct when your sleepy btw

 

[WerewolfChemist]

Simply put, I am a loner because I choose to be. When I am in situations where it is best to be more extroverted, I force myself to be so. For example, when I am working at a job (though currently unemployed as financial aid is paying me ) I force myself to be friendly/"cool" to everyone, because I know that it will make it easier for myself/my coworkers if I didn't just keep to myself, which is really what I would just prefer to do. Because I get something out of it (money) I force myself to put on a facade of I guess normality, but more conformity, to make things easier. At college, I am there 100% for myself. Unless the class requires group work, I am 100% comfortable not talking to anyone else because I don't need to do so. I consider myself 100% independent. I never ask anyone else for anything. When I get a gift from someone, or when people say "Happy Birthday" or congratulations or something, I act happy back to them but I for some reason feel strange, almost bad about other people doing something for me. When I do well on an exam which has become like my current purpose in life lol (doing well in college), I don't feel happiness, I feel satisfaction, as in I did what I wanted to to, what I was meant to do. I was in the dorms (no roommate but still hall socials/meeting/people always standing outside my door in the hall hanging out etc.) and all I wanted was some peace/quiet to study to relax. I am now living in an apartment by myself over a mile from campus and couldn't be happier- well if it was pet friendly I would be. I don't need to CONSTANTLY hang out with people/act like a cliche college student like so many of my peers do to feel content. Yes, I am a loner, but more, I am an individual, and proud of it.

-- I guess I didn't really explain the WHY behind the HOW. Why am I a loner? Because most of the people that I have come to meet in my lifetime have brought me nothing but delayed hatred, absolute misunderstanding, or straight-up indifference, and I am tired if not literally bored with the idea of meeting people and forming relationships with people that will just stop liking me after a few months anyway after they figure out that I am who I am and will not change. I do not think that I am better than anyone, nor do I think that anyone is better than I.

And one more thing. If I could find more people that I was compatible with, which I most surely will after I am out of college (where 90% of the kids are ******* trend followers/conformists that remind me of the kids I went to school with when I was younger, and the other 10% of people that I would probably get along with judge me by appearance apparently and don't think I am like them because I look like the other 90% minus the clothes). lol I am so tired I can't even explain the reasoning behind my lonliness. I am not actually "alone," as in feeling "lonely," I am just content in being in an absence of others.

 

[Sean]

Being alone is safe.
There's no one to judge you.

 

[Badjedidude]

Being alone is safe.
There's no one to judge you.

Except yourself.

 

[Enchanted Girl]

I sometimes think that I'm a loner because I choose to be. It's sort of true, but I choose to be because it's what I'm used to really.

As a child, I was very, very social and used to go around every day at school (from pre-school to the end of elementary) asking if I could join in people's games, trying to talk to people, and trying to make friends. I also got rejected every day. I gave up a lot later than other people give up, I think, but when I gave up, I learned to not be able to speak to other people anymore.

It's all because I look and act like a nerd. I just always have. People literally see me and decide this. Whenever I start working somewhere, too, not just in high school and stuff, I am immediately the nerd again. Maybe it's my glasses, the clothes I wear, the way my face looks, or all of the above, but it's just the way it is. They tell me so every time and I'm usually bombarded with a bunch of,"Let's give you a makeover!" Because I'm ugly and poor and blah, blah, blah, so everyone has to point it out all the time and try to fix me constantly, instead of just trying to like me the way I am. People like to argue that these people are trying to do me a "favor" and be nice, but I know the difference. When people are making fun of you because you're not cool and saying you're retarded and things and also trying to give you makeovers, their intentions aren't to be nice.

Now I am so used to being alone that if I could be extremely social, I don't think I would. I would probably feel suffocated by it, but that doesn't mean I want to be alone all the time either.

Although I think people will stop doing this as much as I get older. I'm still only 24 and a lot of people my age act like they are still teenagers or whatever. It's easier to make friends with older people honestly who are less immature and not obsessed with whether I wear the right clothes and whether or not I look like a nerd.

 

[WerewolfChemist]

I sometimes think that I'm a loner because I choose to be. It's sort of true, but I choose to be because it's what I'm used to really.

As a child, I was very, very social and used to go around every day at school (from pre-school to the end of elementary) asking if I could join in people's games, trying to talk to people, and trying to make friends. I also got rejected every day. I gave up a lot later than other people give up, I think, but when I gave up, I learned to not be able to speak to other people anymore.

From early school to half-way through highschool, I was constantly bullied. Not physically, but emotionally. I switched high schools after my sophmore year. At the new school, there were more people like me (went from really small school to a wide-area high school) and I fell into the wrong crowd (the people who didn't care about grades/did and sold pot/overall slackers) and it didn't do me any good. After so many years of non acceptance, I was glad to find a group that brought me in, but it did me more harm than good. After I graduated, I realized that it was no longer what others thoguht of me or how I appeared to others that matters, but what I think of myself or how I appear to myself that does. Even though people say this all the time, it really is true. Only YOU decide who you are, no one else.

It's all because I look and act like a nerd. I just always have. People literally see me and decide this. Whenever I start working somewhere, too, not just in high school and stuff, I am immediately the nerd again. Maybe it's my glasses, the clothes I wear, the way my face looks, or all of the above, but it's just the way it is.

Apparently I look like a drug dealer. I am an incredibly kind person. I respect my elders and animals and anyone else that will show me equal kindness in return. Because of the way that I look, which I wouldn't change for the world because it is the way I choose to look, people ALWAYS judge me by my outward appearance.

Now I am so used to being alone that if I could be extremely social, I don't think I would. I would probably feel suffocated by it, but that doesn't mean I want to be alone all the time either.

I am exhausted by constant socialization. When I have to put on a facade at work or in college for group projects, I just look forward to it being over. People would never guess from the way I look that I would love to just "live with the wolves."

Although I think people will stop doing this as much as I get older. I'm still only 24 and a lot of people my age act like they are still teenagers or whatever. It's easier to make friends with older people honestly who are less immature and not obsessed with whether I wear the right clothes and whether or not I look like a nerd.

Yes. I am with you 100%. I always find interactions with older people more positive than with people my own age. It seems like all anyone cares about anymore is the "cool" factor. I also find it easier to relate to more independent people who haven't had the best backgrounds. The thing that annoys me most is that people always ask me "why do you always study" or "why don't you ever do anything social" and I say because if I don't get good grades fin aid won't keep me here, and because they've never had to work for anything in their lives or ever had to experience real loss or failure, they just don't understand.

 

[Peaches]

I m not a loner, it's the others who don't want to deal with me ;-)
oh, interesting question.
Well, (l)only child, family was different from all the others in the neighborhood, too much culture and not many feelings, not really bullied t school except for a couple of nasty episodes, usually just left out from all activities.
I did have a couple of friends, "losers" like me, but at some point lost them too.
Terrible shocking situations at home, that made me almost speechless for years (from age 9 to 13), nobody to talk about it, and with so many strong feelings inside I just couldn't waste time to talk about everyday things.
Hopefully in high school I met other people like me, with all these feelings, and with them I wasn't shy. Looking back, I recognize I was quite spiteful for many years, and somehow I was looking down to "normal" people, talking about "normal" stuff. This attitude changed a lot over the years, and then I really wanted to relate with normal people (I mean, smart, interesting people who didn't share my need for immediate depth and "meaning of life" conversations), but I didn't know how, and, even if I see myself as more on the bright side, I would (I still) become stupid when talking to someone, because of all these paralyzing emotions (fear of judgement?).
After many years of training in improv theatre, public speech, emotional management, meditation, I can hide this fear most of the time, and only rarely have those ugly pauses in the conversation, that the other person usually fills in with the thought "what am I doing here, how do I get off the hook?".
Because of the fear, most human interactions, except those people that I consider "friends", require for me a huge amount of nervous energy, and often I have to be alone only to calm down and allow my body to recharge the batteries. Since maybe a year I forced myself out there more, and I see it's improving, it's just a matter of getting used to it and seeing that nothing terrible will happen, but still, I don't think I ll ever be at ease talking with people I don't really "connect" with.
In spite of training, I am still completely incapable of making the extra step and offering a common activity or just show my heart without putting most people off, because it's too much to handle. I don't "play it cool" enough.
So I see other people having meaningful relationships, and I meet them sometimes, but I can never be included in their life, and on the surface I have friends, but I always feel I am living a lie and that is not the kind of relationships I want :-( (like having somebody to come with me at first aid, or bring me cough syrup when I have the flu). (Ok, maybe a couple, but they always end up living in a different city).
And all my life I had the impression that you had to "win" people over and that nobody had ever good honest fulfilling relationships, but I don't want to believe that is true and will keep looking for people with an open heart with whom you don't have to keep appearances (I did meet a couple of them here and there).
Well, this is my experience, I wished I knew WHY that is. Hope that wasn't too long to read.

 

[Teenage Dream]

Don't really know. I guess, afraid of being rejected. I have this weird ... self-absorbed/self-conscious way of thinking that everyone is always paying attention to me, looking for good things that I do, looking for bad things that I do. I can't stand it, and I expect too much from people too. So I simply avoid it. I also avoid huge groups... and friends who are already really close together. It always feels like I'm trying to intrude if I join them, and I almost always get shunned aside in those cases. The people I do find the courage to talk to aren't very interested in me, though.