Why can't I keep my F*** mouth shut!

[LonelySutton]

Lately, I don't feel like I talk very much at work, but when I do, I feel like my foot just keeps going right in my mouth and I can't figure out why. On the one hand, I don't feel like I am actually doing a lot of talking but it seems at the same time I am doing too much of it.

I have a co worker at work who is in a wheel chair. Now, he loves to make jokes about his status and I have decided that the best way to handle it is to joke right along with him and just try my best to treat him normally and nice in every other way. Just like I totally don't really care if he is in a wheel chair and I refuse to placate his self pity if he has any. I feel like I know a little bit of what he is going though. When I was a kid I had to wear a brace and was often stared at and pitied -- everyone on guard around me. I would never make a joke about it though, but if he makes the joke I would be sarcastic like, yeh not gonna let you get me.

But today I was at the cafeteria with a friend and I was referencing a character in a book who was a described as a quadriplegic child and she starts shaking her head like it is about to come off... I looked behind me and he was there... and I felt HORRIBLE... but I turned around like I was looking for the napkins. I truely felt frustrated that she had such a stupid reaction but a little later he gave me a look that just made me feel scared that it did hurt his feelings... all damn day long I feel horrible and frustrated...

I feel like if there is a moment lately I can put my foot in it, I will, even though I don't say much at all. I fear it is because I am lonely, and so when I get a chance to talk, my filter is gone, I just want to say something so bad...

 

[Ymir]

If anything, you should be upfront with your friend and tell him that you had no intentions of hurting him. Dealing with disabled and chronically ill people can be a little tricky as different things offend different people, but as long as you have good intentions and listen to what your friend deems to be offensive, it should be fine.

I definitely think you should talk things out instead of being confused in a corner and face the risk of doing it again, even without any intention.

 

[Badjedidude]

^^^I second this.

Approach him, let him know it wasn't aimed at him and it wasn't an insult.

 

[LonelySutton]

I definitely think you should talk things out instead of being confused in a corner and face the risk of doing it again, even without any intention.

During my days of being in the brace if something like this happened I might be hurt about a 1 on a scale of 1-10 by the remark but I would be completely mortified - like a 10 on a scale of 1-10 if someone came up to me later and wanted to apologize. That would like actually make it real and more painful. I would always just try to look to the persons actions and probably would forget about any stay remarks.

What if he didn't even hear me? To me that would be horrible to make such a big deal out of it.

That is just one example.. I just can't keep that mouth shut lately on most anything.

 

[Ymir]

I definitely think you should talk things out instead of being confused in a corner and face the risk of doing it again, even without any intention.

During my days of being in the brace if something like this happened I might be hurt about a 1 on a scale of 1-10 by the remark but I would be completely mortified - like a 10 on a scale of 1-10 if someone came up to me later and wanted to apologize. That would like actually make it real and more painful. I would always just try to look to the persons actions and probably would forget about any stay remarks.

What if he didn't even hear me? To me that would be horrible to make such a big deal out of it.

That is just one example.. I just can't keep that mouth shut lately on most anything.

I just assumed this isn't a very close friends of yours. In which case, IMO it's better to clean things up and make sure he knows you have no intention of hurting him and that you can see eye to eye on things. I think most people would be glad.

I'm chronically ill and people joke ALL the time about my illness. I don't mind, but if someone stepped over the line, I would find precious if said person came up to me later asking me if I was okay with it.

 

[SofiasMami]

He probably did hear you if he was right behind you. Say something. It might be easier to pretend it didn't happen but you'll be better person for apologizing.

-Teresa

 

[stork_error]

I actually did this once.

I was out with a very openly gay male friend of mine. Clearly the kind of guy who would have been teased and bullied for growing up openly gay in the 80's.

I was driving with him in the front seat and a driver cut me off. I honked my horn and shouted " you effin ****** "

After I did it, I apologized, and told him i shouldn't have said that. He never called me to hang out with him again.

What i should have said to him is that i grew up with a crowd of people who were very old school and judgemental and they used that word a lot, along with having a family member that had a very foul mouth, i learned bad habits. I should have explained that i pick up sayings, accents, lingo, mannerisms, very easily. For example if i spend even one day in new york city i start to sound like im from new york, and when i travel south, i talk like a southerner.

I should have explained that i was used to having people around me that used that word derogitivly to one another and that when i said it, it just came out by accident. I was simply using a word that I've heard from those around me that was said by them, and so i used it in my angry circumstance. It didn't even cross my mind what the word was.

I felt like an ******* for many many years, even still now, as i have gay friends that I value very much, and it would never even cross my mind to judge them for that.

But, I still occasionally say " thats so gay " and i do it without thinking, because as a child, we didnt know what " gay " was, to us it was just a word that meant nerdy or annoying and boreing eg - that song is so gay.

Never crossed my mind that even saying that, could hurt somebody because they might take it literally as in theres something wrong with being gay… and you know what? Rightfully so!

So I never called anybody a ****** again and i still try my best never to use the term " thats so gay ", but its like swearing, it comes from childhood. And most times is just random wording, repeated like a parrot with no brains .

Oh **** see , i probably pissed off the parrot. Which pretty much sums up the point quite well. Nobody is perfect.

 

[ladyforsaken]

If anything, you should be upfront with your friend and tell him that you had no intentions of hurting him. Dealing with disabled and chronically ill people can be a little tricky as different things offend different people, but as long as you have good intentions and listen to what your friend deems to be offensive, it should be fine.

I definitely think you should talk things out instead of being confused in a corner and face the risk of doing it again, even without any intention.

I think this too.

 

[Pike Creek]

Even if he didn't hear you, the gossip could have gotten around. I would tell him that you said something insensitive the other day that you regret, and you hope he didn't feel hurt about it because it wasn't intended to be so insulting. We all say stuff sometimes without thinking, I think you'll feel much better once you clear it up.

 

[LonelySutton]

Today was an odd day. Today at lunch, I was outside, with a friend who smokes (and is friends with me and him) and he came out. We started shooting the bull and he and my friend were joking and they were making a joke they were both laughing at and I didn't get it and I said so, and he goes, see she is making fun of my disability... I am like ..voooommm over my head, it is all her smoke distracting me. Then we were joking with him about his recent promotion and he was saying he was never going to go further and I go, yes you will -- the squeaky wheel gets the cheese. And he goes now you are making fun of my disability... and ... I just smiled and said, you are screwing with me aren't you... and he was like yah with a smile.

I do feel like that was perhaps his little absolution. I still just really get the sense that he doesn't want to take a serious turn about it. I feel better about it.