Bebeskii
Well-known member
It is just so sad that my life has always been like this. I mean, WHENEVER I have some fun, something bad often follows. It is not that my perception becomes reality. When I have some fun, I get a very quick signal that something bad might happen but I totally ignore and just let it be. I don't wait or expect something to happen. Without even realising something bad just happens. If I have much fun, much bad things would happen. If I have just some fun, little bad thing would happen. I went through this unfortunate thing TOO MANY times. I lost my count. Certainly over 30 times. It is just not fair. Why am I have to be so unlucky and unfortunate this way ?. What teenagers of my age usually do is having a fun. Because I don't have friends, I hardly ever feels what having a fun is like. Today I played a basketball with two of classmates . I laughed and had some fun. You know what, I hit my middle finger so hard to a ball in perpendicular position. Now it is swollen.
Another completely new thing. When I feel down, it is very likely something bad would happen to make me feel more down. I mean, When I'm feeling lonely, some people tend to more rude and mean to me. It only ends up hurting me emotionally. Also little accidents, for example someone accidently hitting my shoulder when I'm walking down the hall sad. It is like when you are feeling wounded sinking slowly to a cold bog silently, people push down you deeper to that both intentionally and unintentionally. I know this experience very well and this happened to me many times as well. That Is why I try to be fierce and sharp-tongued so I can prevent myself from further sadness.
For example, It is just one of the examples, It is very recent example. Today I was just feeling bit lonely and nervous because of my exams. I did something stupid mistake in math. I made my teacher's correct equations wrong and insisted mine is correct. Of course I was totally unaware. My teacher, who is a a male teacher, talked to me in a very serious manner. When a man shouts at me and just talks in a serious manner, I get bit terrified and shake. Probably it is because I've grown up with many females, no male person at all. Because of that I was bit frightened. After that I asked my classmate if she has some papers she does not need. I asked her like 5 times repeating same thing because I needed some papers so badly. She totally ignored and when I raised my voice she shouted at me " Stop nagging me " at that time I noticed my another classmate looking at me like " Poor bebeskii
". I may not forget that look forever !. She could have just said no or yes. The class was dismissed so she could have just answered and looked at me. It was like humiliation in front of classmates. I felt down much more. When I headed the bus station and when I was just getting into the bus. Old woman shouted at me " Could you walk fast, because of you I nearly got hit my bus door". Actually the person in front of was blocking the way. Okay I felt even deeply hurt. Loneliness, Hollowness, A-level exam stress, Social anxiety, Social rejection. All of these things were so much for me to endure at once. I tried very hard not to cry but as soon as I entered my apartment. I broke into tears. Do you know how much I wanted a shoulder to cry on ?. My aunt would never understand me. When I'm feeling down, She says some VERY HORRIBLE things. Because of her, I cried many times. She says " You weakling got bullied by those underlings again. You must be the underling of underling.". (It is certain I would never allow anybody to bully me. I know how to defend myself. I have been bullied in middle school terribly for a whole year so I would not let anything like that to happen in my life ever again). " You're saying the exams are hard so Why are your classmates getting A*'s and you're not getting that. You little poor social creature" something like that. It all feels like sharp razor cutting through my chest. It bleed a lot. Let's forget my aunt. All of these things seems not fair. I wish this cycle would end at some point in my life. I learnt two lessons.
1). When something good thing happens or you get a chance to have fun, Try your best to be as solemn as you can So you can avoid something bad thing to happen.
2). Never give a chance for people to make you feel sad so try your best to be fierce and sharp-tongued in order to avoid getting hurt deeper.
To sum up I would like to say It is funny how this cruel world never misses a chance to put me down when I'm wounded. I hate it, just hate it. I hate high school. I hate my poor life. I hate that bitch ( that girl ). I hate my dumb classmates. I hate this freaking country.HATE IT
Another completely new thing. When I feel down, it is very likely something bad would happen to make me feel more down. I mean, When I'm feeling lonely, some people tend to more rude and mean to me. It only ends up hurting me emotionally. Also little accidents, for example someone accidently hitting my shoulder when I'm walking down the hall sad. It is like when you are feeling wounded sinking slowly to a cold bog silently, people push down you deeper to that both intentionally and unintentionally. I know this experience very well and this happened to me many times as well. That Is why I try to be fierce and sharp-tongued so I can prevent myself from further sadness.
For example, It is just one of the examples, It is very recent example. Today I was just feeling bit lonely and nervous because of my exams. I did something stupid mistake in math. I made my teacher's correct equations wrong and insisted mine is correct. Of course I was totally unaware. My teacher, who is a a male teacher, talked to me in a very serious manner. When a man shouts at me and just talks in a serious manner, I get bit terrified and shake. Probably it is because I've grown up with many females, no male person at all. Because of that I was bit frightened. After that I asked my classmate if she has some papers she does not need. I asked her like 5 times repeating same thing because I needed some papers so badly. She totally ignored and when I raised my voice she shouted at me " Stop nagging me " at that time I noticed my another classmate looking at me like " Poor bebeskii
". I may not forget that look forever !. She could have just said no or yes. The class was dismissed so she could have just answered and looked at me. It was like humiliation in front of classmates. I felt down much more. When I headed the bus station and when I was just getting into the bus. Old woman shouted at me " Could you walk fast, because of you I nearly got hit my bus door". Actually the person in front of was blocking the way. Okay I felt even deeply hurt. Loneliness, Hollowness, A-level exam stress, Social anxiety, Social rejection. All of these things were so much for me to endure at once. I tried very hard not to cry but as soon as I entered my apartment. I broke into tears. Do you know how much I wanted a shoulder to cry on ?. My aunt would never understand me. When I'm feeling down, She says some VERY HORRIBLE things. Because of her, I cried many times. She says " You weakling got bullied by those underlings again. You must be the underling of underling.". (It is certain I would never allow anybody to bully me. I know how to defend myself. I have been bullied in middle school terribly for a whole year so I would not let anything like that to happen in my life ever again). " You're saying the exams are hard so Why are your classmates getting A*'s and you're not getting that. You little poor social creature" something like that. It all feels like sharp razor cutting through my chest. It bleed a lot. Let's forget my aunt. All of these things seems not fair. I wish this cycle would end at some point in my life. I learnt two lessons. 1). When something good thing happens or you get a chance to have fun, Try your best to be as solemn as you can So you can avoid something bad thing to happen.
2). Never give a chance for people to make you feel sad so try your best to be fierce and sharp-tongued in order to avoid getting hurt deeper.
To sum up I would like to say It is funny how this cruel world never misses a chance to put me down when I'm wounded. I hate it, just hate it. I hate high school. I hate my poor life. I hate that bitch ( that girl ). I hate my dumb classmates. I hate this freaking country.HATE IT
