Why is everyone always so ready to ghost me?

[LeeG]

I am new here, wanting to talk to people with similar problems. I moved a couple of weeks ago and I decided that instead of reaching out to people, which I always have to do if I want to talk to anybody, I would just stop calling, stop texting and everybody and see what happens. Well it's exactly what I expected, zero calls, zero text messages, nobody asks if I like my new place, or how I'm going, absolutely nothing. I've found in my life people are so ready and happy for me to go away and they don't have to talk to me anymore. What is about me that makes people act that way, am I really that ugly, and I just dull. I don't tell them about my problems and my loneliness, I try to be positive, I don't want to be the debbie downer around other people. When I was younger I had a lot of relationships, a lot of sex, so I never felt I was considered unattractive, now that I am older that has changed of course, but still am I that horribly ugly now that nobody can stand the sight of me. I went to this group from meetup last week, something I had never done before, it was actually drag queen bingo and I was having a good time, I was talking to some really nice people, then something happened. There were about 10 people table and one girl (who was at the other end of the table and I wasn't talking to) stood up and said "It's picture time". So everybody gets up, and I get up (I assumed she wanted a group picture),, and poses for the picture. So I get up, and she looks at me and says "I just want this to be the friends in the group". so of course I had to sit back down at the table all by myself (as usual), and I just felt so awkward and embarrassed. I am an awkward weirdo anyway. Anyway I had never used meetup before and I will never try it again. Sorry to go on and on but does anyone feel the same way maybe? Please let me know.

 

[Sunless Sky]

I've been ghosted a couple of times myself and while it did hurt, I learned not to take it personally. Over time that is.

One thing I would heavily reccomend to you, because I did this myself, is go into volunteer work. I went to this mental health support organization and did some volunteer work through them. I ended up meeting some cool people and having some good conversations and experiences.

 

[Searcher]

I should think there is nothing wrong with you at all. There are all sorts of reasons why you get in an isolated position. It isn't your fault or anyone's fault. It is just what it is. Try and accept the situation without analysing who's fault it is. I know when you are in that position you become hypersensitive to perceived put-downs like the photograph girl or people ignoring you. It seems like everyone has got it in for you. It isn't true. You are reading far too much into it. It takes a fair time for people to get to know you. I understand why you say you will never go back but looked at from the outside it is exactly the wrong thing to do. You have to accept the situation as it is and be comfortable with yourself rather than relying on others to boost you self esteem. This is easier said than done but it can be done. Then just go to places where you might meet people without any expectation and without trying too hard. Whatever happens you are still OK. If you try too hard to meet people it actually pushes people away because they feel uncomfortable. (By the way I have experienced exactly the same thing).

 

[Finished]

I'm sorry that happened to you. I have always been rejected in social settings. I am odd. And yeah, as soon as I stopped contacting my "friends" I never heard from them again. Or, if I really helped them out they ghosted me. I assumed they felt guilty about it. But, they probably just got what they needed from me and that was that. So, I had to learn to help others just enough to keep them wanted more help. Ha! ha!

I applaud you for trying to find new friends. I stopped doing that years ago. I also would try to convince you not to take the rejections personally. I know it sucks and it hurts. But, do you want friends? If so, keep trying. If you have that need it will help you to fullfill it.

 

[LeeG]

@Searcher thank you so much for your response, and I agree with you 100%, I take things personally, I am very sensitive to what people are doing, and I'm trying to get the validation that I'm good enough from other people. I was really enjoying the meetup thing, I just moved to a new area where I've never lived before, and one girl there lives in this area so she was telling me where everything is and things to do around here, and I really appreciated and enjoyed it. And I was trying to be totally casual, talk to people, and not look like i'm trying too hard. When the photo thing happened I didn't really want to do it, I thought she was asking everyone to do it, so I obliged. When she said that I really wanted to just walk right out the door. I couldn't get out of my mind why did she pick me to say that to, there were at least 10 other people and everyone else was included. It wasn't like everyone else there was young pretty people, the event was people over 50. So I have a really hard time with it, I feel like when I try I end up slapped in the face.

I'll keep in mind what you said and I really appreciate you responding to me!

 

[LeeG]

@Searcher thanks for responding to me. Yes I call myself a troubled loner or an awkward weirdo. I know the part also about people wanting something from you. I hooked back up with a really old friend of facebook that I hadn't seen in 30 years. When I went to see her the first time I realized she is a really bad hoarder. Her yard and house is full of trash you can barely get into her house, the bathroom is the most disgusting thing I've ever seen. But I didn't judge her for it or care, I felt sorry for her really and seeing what other people do somehow makes me feel better about myself. Even given that she has lots of family and friends around her all the time (I can't get that), and I also felt included and I liked having someone to talk to, and I felt like she really couldn't judge me given her situation. When we were together she always tried to build me up and tell me I'm a wonderful person and I'm attractive etc etc. She never had money now or 30 years ago and she's always lived on public assistance. So she started telling me about her financial problems and I helped her out a few times, she called me crying they were disconnecting her power and the bill was $300.00 so I paid it, she told me they were going to disconnect her phone $88.00 I paid that. She never even said thank you either time. I got a text from her about a month ago that said if I was a "real friend" I would give her $3000.00 to fix her house back up (the city is threatening to condemn it). I told her no way, first of all she's terrible with money, she goes on spending sprees in walmart and buys all junk that just adds to her hoard piles. When she walks in she wants everything there. I knew right that minute the whole time I was just being used, and it really hurt me. She only saw me as a mark to try to get money out of, and of course that was the last time I ever heard anything from her. Just like everyone else when she didn't get what she wanted she dropped me like a hot potato. I was really hurt by that too

So yes been there done that. It really sucks and I'm going to try to never get in a situation like that again with anybody. Thanks so much for sharing that with me.

 

[user 188685]

Yes,I have been ghosted before,I was talking to a guy on a dating site,we were talking about meeting each other in person,we never did,that was when he ghosted me.

 

[LeeG]

@sunflowergirl1306 thanks for telling me your experience. you might have actually been better off lots of times shose people aren't who they say they are, and that's why they cannot meet in person. I told this story on another post but I'll tell it again. I met a "lady" in an internet chatroom (Ii don't even go on dating sites, I cant even find friends I don't want all that pressure of being judged there) and we moved our conversation over to instagram. I asked "her" a few times if we could use the camera and she always had a reason why not. She sent me a few very vague photos of herself from a distance, and I sent her photos of myself (nothing dirty just normal pics). she always wanted to do dirty talk and I played along sometimes but I started to suspect it was a guy, I know girls do that sometimes, but the level of it and always want to do it just made me suspicious. It's usually the guy that wants to do that, not the girl And I'm bisexual and I told "Her" that, so I would be open to another guy. The truth about me is I havent had sex with anyone in years and I don't even know if i really want to, or if I can even.. So I am not even looking for that. So anyway "she" started asking me to send naked photos of myself to her, dick pics, whatever. I was just unsure about who I was really talking to so I said no and that was the end of that. I never heard from her again. i did enjoy the connversations with "Her", she said she was a single mom in Kentucky in a custody battle, I thought "she" may ask me for money but she never did. It went on for several months, sometimes we'd talk to daily, sometimes a few weeks would go by with nothing.

So yes I've been there too, everyone on this site seems genuine and it's chat about our experiences, but in those cases to me it's some random from the internet and I don't put much faith in it. I generally don't trust people, I feel like they want something, and normally i'm right. So I would try not to take it personally, I also recommend doing camera chats at least once in those cases so you get a real idea of who your talking to. It could be a scammer from nigeria or somewhere.

Don't give up on meeting someone online, I have known people where it worked. I know a gay couple who are married for 10 years, they met on Grindr. So it happens. Good luck and thanks.

 

[MoonRiver]

Why would you never use meet up again when you say you were having great time. Does this one slightly awkward moment cross out all that was good about this meeting? It just happens that sometimes we cross paths with bitchy people, they are everywhere but if you have a goal of finaly meeting true friends you have to endure all the unpleasantness along the way. Not everyone is lucky enough to meet good, loyal people right away. For some it's a long pursuit. But it's worth the effort.

 

[Searcher]

@Searcher thanks for responding to me. Yes I call myself a troubled loner or an awkward weirdo. I know the part also about people wanting something from you. I hooked back up with a really old friend of facebook that I hadn't seen in 30 years. When I went to see her the first time I realized she is a really bad hoarder. Her yard and house is full of trash you can barely get into her house, the bathroom is the most disgusting thing I've ever seen. But I didn't judge her for it or care, I felt sorry for her really and seeing what other people do somehow makes me feel better about myself. Even given that she has lots of family and friends around her all the time (I can't get that), and I also felt included and I liked having someone to talk to, and I felt like she really couldn't judge me given her situation. When we were together she always tried to build me up and tell me I'm a wonderful person and I'm attractive etc etc. She never had money now or 30 years ago and she's always lived on public assistance. So she started telling me about her financial problems and I helped her out a few times, she called me crying they were disconnecting her power and the bill was $300.00 so I paid it, she told me they were going to disconnect her phone $88.00 I paid that. She never even said thank you either time. I got a text from her about a month ago that said if I was a "real friend" I would give her $3000.00 to fix her house back up (the city is threatening to condemn it). I told her no way, first of all she's terrible with money, she goes on spending sprees in walmart and buys all junk that just adds to her hoard piles. When she walks in she wants everything there. I knew right that minute the whole time I was just being used, and it really hurt me. She only saw me as a mark to try to get money out of, and of course that was the last time I ever heard anything from her. Just like everyone else when she didn't get what she wanted she dropped me like a hot potato. I was really hurt by that too

So yes been there done that. It really sucks and I'm going to try to never get in a situation like that again with anybody. Thanks so much for sharing that with me.

When you gave her the money you were just being kind. The fact that she behaved like that reflects on her but not you. Don't fret about it; you did the right thing. You should feel good about yourself. Also, dont label yourself with negative things like "awkward weirdo". It isn't true; you are just a person like everyone else. I honestly think its a bad idea to say "I'll never do ....... again" because it leads to avoidance where you just isolate yourself. By all means learn from mistakes but don't let it stop you doing things.

 

[LeeG]

@MoonRiver I like your question because it makes me think. But I'll tell you why. First of the people I met and talked to their were so nice and friendly. We just chatted about what what part of town we lived in, what we did for a living, places we had traveled to, things like that. One lady was a school teacher one was an auditor etc. I enjoyed having people to share the conversation instead of sitting at home that night wondering what I would watch on Roku to make the time go by so I could go to bed to work the next day.

Then when that happened, out of everybody there, she picked me to make feel excluded, obviously having me in her picture was going to ruin it but everybody else there was alright. And it just reminded me that everytime I try to put myself out there somebody always shows me I'm less then, I'm not good enough, for whatever reason I never even spoke to that woman. I have a hard enough time with self esteem without putting myself in the position to be reminded of it, which somebody always finds a way to do to me. I was so upset when I was on my home and in bed later that night and I don't want to feel that way anymore, I'd rather feel lonely because I'm used that. So that's the reason i haven't even opened meetup since. I got an email from meetup that had the event pictures and I didn't even look, I was like none of them have me in it, nobody wanted a picture with me in it so why would I even bother to look at them. So it became another bad memory for me instead of the positive experience I was looking for.

 

[user 188685]

@sunflowergirl1306 thanks for telling me your experience. you might have actually been better off lots of times shose people aren't who they say they are, and that's why they cannot meet in person. I told this story on another post but I'll tell it again. I met a "lady" in an internet chatroom (Ii don't even go on dating sites, I cant even find friends I don't want all that pressure of being judged there) and we moved our conversation over to instagram. I asked "her" a few times if we could use the camera and she always had a reason why not. She sent me a few very vague photos of herself from a distance, and I sent her photos of myself (nothing dirty just normal pics). she always wanted to do dirty talk and I played along sometimes but I started to suspect it was a guy, I know girls do that sometimes, but the level of it and always want to do it just made me suspicious. It's usually the guy that wants to do that, not the girl And I'm bisexual and I told "Her" that, so I would be open to another guy. The truth about me is I havent had sex with anyone in years and I don't even know if i really want to, or if I can even.. So I am not even looking for that. So anyway "she" started asking me to send naked photos of myself to her, dick pics, whatever. I was just unsure about who I was really talking to so I said no and that was the end of that. I never heard from her again. i did enjoy the connversations with "Her", she said she was a single mom in Kentucky in a custody battle, I thought "she" may ask me for money but she never did. It went on for several months, sometimes we'd talk to daily, sometimes a few weeks would go by with nothing.

So yes I've been there too, everyone on this site seems genuine and it's chat about our experiences, but in those cases to me it's some random from the internet and I don't put much faith in it. I generally don't trust people, I feel like they want something, and normally i'm right. So I would try not to take it personally, I also recommend doing camera chats at least once in those cases so you get a real idea of who your talking to. It could be a scammer from nigeria or somewhere.

Don't give up on meeting someone online, I have known people where it worked. I know a gay couple who are married for 10 years, they met on Grindr. So it happens. Good luck and thanks.

Thanks,that happened years ago,I'm not looking for anyone now,mostly just for friends.

 

[LeeG]

@sunflowergirl1306 I'm in the same boat as you, I quit looking for any kind of love relationship, I just don't even want the pressure of that and I could not even imagine trying to meet anyone for any kind of date, that would be terrible, I'm already such an awkward person, if I can't even find a friend I surely can't get anyone interested in that with me.

When I was younger I always had the urge for it, but now thankfully that is pretty much gone. Thanks for letting me know!

 

[LeeG]

@Searcher I like your advice and your right. I do label myself with negative names, part of it is to try to insert humor into my situation by doing self deprecation. I think the best way to be funny is to make fun of yourself and your situation. Anytime I try to go out and do something it always seems to backfire on me. Thanks so much for your response.

 

[LeeG]

@Finished thank you for your response today I really appreciate it, I intended one of the responses above for you but I mislabled it by accident. I really how you feel, I am super awkward in social situations and I keep trying but it's hard, I'm not going to give up since I've gotten positive encouragement here today. I am going to keep trying to maybe make a new friend, since my old friends seem to be gone forever. I had 2 close friends I have known both for over 30 years, during covid we stopped seeing each other and now that is partially over we just can't seem to get it back. IDK why, I tried but it just isn't working. They'll say "we have to get together sometime" and we all know it's never going to happen. They're not interested in seeing my new home,, or really anything i'm doing. My own sisters and brother are pretty much the same way. I saw my nephew recently on facebook having his anniversary party and it looked like everyone was there, except me since nobody bothered to tell me about it or invite me. I felt me and him were really close when he was younger, now it's nothing.

Thanks for much for responding!

 

[DragonflytotheMoon]

Kudos to you for going to a meetup. I'm the one on one type myself. I'm sorry that you felt excluded. I believe we're all hopelessly awkward in our own way. Or, as I say, delightfully quirky.

I don't know if anyone has mentioned this. It's how I am & many of my friends as well, so it works out. Right now I need to limit contact with people as I am in active treatment for stage 4 uterine cancer. I do prefer to see my friends in person. I don't care to talk on the phone. I will text, occasionally. Or, more so, Messenger on Facebook. Even with that it can be sporadic. I think about my friends often & do care about them.

I'm an ambivert (I have the qualities of both an intro & extrovert). I'm more introvert dominant. My social energy comes in small bursts. When it does I'm very gregarious, upbeat & a stranger is just a friend I haven't met yet.

I really do enjoy my solitude. I would choose hanging out with my four furbabies over most things. Even without having health issues. That may explain some of your friends. If they're like me or even fully introverted, you would probably be the one to stay in contact, if you're more extroverted.

They could love you to the moon & back, but aren't always going to express it. Though, if they're like me, they're there when it really counts. Just wanted to offer another perspective.

 

[user 188685]

@sunflowergirl1306 I'm in the same boat as you, I quit looking for any kind of love relationship, I just don't even want the pressure of that and I could not even imagine trying to meet anyone for any kind of date, that would be terrible, I'm already such an awkward person, if I can't even find a friend I surely can't get anyone interested in that with me.

When I was younger I always had the urge for it, but now thankfully that is pretty much gone. Thanks for letting me know!

your very welcome

 

[user 188685]

@DragonflytotheMoon Im the same way,I prefer to text rather then to talk on the phone.

Kudos to you for going to a meetup. I'm the one on one type myself. I'm sorry that you felt excluded. I believe we're all hopelessly awkward in our own way. Or, as I say, delightfully quirky.

I don't know if anyone has mentioned this. It's how I am & many of my friends as well, so it works out. Right now I need to limit contact with people as I am in active treatment for stage 4 uterine cancer. I do prefer to see my friends in person. I don't care to talk on the phone. I will text, occasionally. Or, more so, Messenger on Facebook. Even with that it can be sporadic. I think about my friends often & do care about them.

I'm an ambivert (I have the qualities of both an intro & extrovert). I'm more introvert dominant. My social energy comes in small bursts. When it does I'm very gregarious, upbeat & a stranger is just a friend I haven't met yet.

I really do enjoy my solitude. I would choose hanging out with my four furbabies over most things. Even without having health issues. That may explain some of your friends. If they're like me or even fully introverted, you would probably be the one to stay in contact, if you're more extroverted.

They could love you to the moon & back, but aren't always going to express it. Though, if they're like me, they're there when it really counts. Just wanted to offer another perspective.

 

[DragonflytotheMoon]

@sunflowergirl1306

The main one I keep in contact with that way is my bestie

 

[Francis]

I generally don't trust people, I feel like they want something, and normally i'm right.

"Strangers aren't to be trusted"

Fruitful to think about that stance.