Would You Choose To Be Lonely?

[Fay F]

Hi everyone,

I'd like to pose a question, based on what I'm going through.

If you realized that you are too lonely to live alone, too scared to start all over again and too nostalgic with good memories, would you leave a relationship that was bad 50% of the time and really good 50% of the time?

Of course, I'm having a bad day so my thoughts are all over the map.

PS: If you think I'm whiny or wishy washy, you don't need to reply, it's okay. I'm just trying to figure life out.

 

[TheRealCallie]

Yes, I would....now. But there was a time when I didn't and the relationship wasn't even close to 50% good at any time.

I think it's natural to be scared of being alone (even though you are basically already alone) after such a long relationship. It's scary, it really is, but it gets better. I promise you it does.

 

[Fay F]

Yes, I would....now.  But there was a time when I didn't and the relationship wasn't even close to 50% good at any time. 

I think it's natural to be scared of being alone (even though you are basically already alone) after such a long relationship.  It's scary, it really is, but it gets better.  I promise you it does.

I look back to myself 17 years ago, and I was independent, thriving, out of debt, and not at all scared of living by myself. I remember the horror of dating too. I'm trying to make a pros and cons list, but I think I'm too emotional today to do that, because I'm feeling so lonely, I may start to remember bad times as not-so-bad times.

How long did it take you to feel better after you left your relationship? I guess it's very subjective though. I feel I have zero hope today.

 

[TheRealCallie]

It is subjective. Every situation is different. The level of abuse in my relationship was both physical and emotional. At the end of it, I was essentially not a person, so it took me three years before I was ready to be okay again and find myself. So really I think it just depends on what your frame of mind is at the end of the relationship and how hard you are willing to work.

I'm not sure you need a pro/con list here. You just need to ask yourself if you want to be with him...as he is now, you can't expect him to change, even if he might. Do you still love him...again, as he is now, not what he used to be. That's where a lot of people go wrong. They aren't looking at the relationship as it is now, they are looking at how it used to be, hoping it goes back to that.

I would say talk to him when he returns, see if you think he's telling the truth with what he says and go from there. But just remember to see it as it is, not how you want it to be. Maybe this did scare him into seeing what he was doing, maybe it didn't and it is just another manipulation. You'll be the one that knows that the best. After this long, I'm sure you can tell if he's lying to you. Don't think with your heart, see things as they are and use your brain.

 

[Fay F]

It is subjective.  Every situation is different.  The level of abuse in my relationship was both physical and emotional.  At the end of it, I was essentially not a person, so it took me three years before I was ready to be okay again and find myself.  So really I think it just depends on what your frame of mind is at the end of the relationship and how hard you are willing to work. 

I'm not sure you need a pro/con list here.  You just need to ask yourself if you want to be with him...as he is now, you can't expect him to change, even if he might.  Do you still love him...again, as he is now, not what he used to be.  That's where a lot of people go wrong.  They aren't looking at the relationship as it is now, they are looking at how it used to be, hoping it goes back to that. 

I would say talk to him when he returns, see if you think he's telling the truth with what he says and go from there.  But just remember to see it as it is, not how you want it to be.  Maybe this did scare him into seeing what he was doing, maybe it didn't and it is just another manipulation.  You'll be the one that knows that the best.  After this long, I'm sure you can tell if he's lying to you.  Don't think with your heart, see things as they are and use your brain.

You gave me some good things to think about thank you. I look at the relationship as it is during happy times when he's caring, affectionate and fun to be with. And that's a yoyo, at this point 50% of the time. He's like Jeckyll and Hyde. I will try, it's really hard for me not to think with my heart though!

 

[Forgottendanfan]

Hi everyone,

I'd like to pose a question, based on what I'm going through.

If you realized that you are too lonely to live alone, too scared to start all over again and too nostalgic with good memories, would you leave a relationship that was bad 50% of the time and really good 50% of the time?

Of course, I'm having a bad day so my thoughts are all over the map.

PS: If you think I'm whiny or wishy washy, you don't need to reply, it's okay. I'm just trying to figure life out.

I guess for me, it would depend on just how bad that 50% is. I've never been in a relationship, so I'm obviously not best qualified to give a fully rounded, informed answer.

 

[TheSkaFish]

If you think I'm whiny or wishy washy, you don't need to reply, it's okay. I'm just trying to figure life out.

I agree, I don't know why people need to say things like that instead of letting you speak your thoughts. It's not like it hurts them in any way. Talking through your thoughts can help you sort them out.

If you realized that you are too lonely to live alone, too scared to start all over again and too nostalgic with good memories, would you leave a relationship that was bad 50% of the time and really good 50% of the time?

I understand that "too lonely to live alone, too scared to start all over again and too nostalgic with good memories" part, I can see how you might feel that way. But "bad 50% of the time" is too much for me, even if the other 50% of the time is really good. If it's bad 50% of the time, I'd say it means they're not my person. You're paying dearly for that other half. I mean, 50%, that's half your life. I don't think it's worth it. It means you're breaking even, they make you feel as bad as they make you feel good.

I think for any kind of connection to be worth it, it's got to be more good than bad. Preferably by a lot. Otherwise, what are you doing? As far as I can tell, we only go through life once, and hopefully when all is said and done, it was much more good than bad.

 

[Abstamyous]

What if you only feel lonely 10% of the time, because you find a new freedom from leaving the person that made life bad 50% of the time?

 

[Azariah]

Born alone, die alone, no crew to keep my crown or throne
I'm deep by sound alone, caved inside, 1,000 miles from home
I need a new ***** for this black cloud to follow
‘Cause while it's over me it's too dark to see tomorrow...

-Nas

 

[Fay F]

I guess for me, it would depend on just how bad that 50% is. I've never been in a relationship, so I'm obviously not best qualified to give a fully rounded, informed answer.

I do appreciate your answer. Hearing all viewpoints really helps with my perspective! You're right, the 50% is very subjective...

---

I understand that "too lonely to live alone, too scared to start all over again and too nostalgic with good memories" part, I can see how you might feel that way.  But "bad 50% of the time" is too much for me, even if the other 50% of the time is really good.  If it's bad 50% of the time, I'd say it means they're not my person.  You're paying dearly for that other half.  I mean, 50%, that's half your life.  I don't think it's worth it.  It means you're breaking even, they make you feel as bad as they make you feel good. 

I think for any kind of connection to be worth it, it's got to be more good than bad.  Preferably by a lot.  Otherwise, what are you doing?  As far as I can tell, we only go through life once, and hopefully when all is said and done, it was much more good than bad.

It's so great to hear wisdom from others. I never saw it like it's 50% of my life! It's true though. And March isn't playing out too well either. I came to the 50% because I put a little smiley face or a sad face on my private calendar. There were 14 smiles and 14 sad faces in February.

I believe we only go through life once as well. I hate that fear is holding me in this marriage. Fear of being lonely, fear of regret...it's all so ridiculous if I really think about it. I've been thinking of leaving him for 7 years now and look...7 years have just passed me by. I need to put the big girl pants on because I'm not getting any younger...

 

[Fay F]

What if you only feel lonely 10% of the time, because you find a new freedom from leaving the person that made life bad 50% of the time?

You're blowing my mind Amy. Thank you! <3

 

[theablekingathelstan]

some people would, yes. we're all different.

 

[Scarlett22]

It is lonelier to be in an unhappy relationship than to live alone in my personal experience.

 

[Bratwurst0516]

No, But I must be a glutton for punishment. I picked all the wrong women.

 

[SquiddyKat]

I thought about this quite a few times... If I got into a relationship where I couldn't be myself... and do some of the things I wanted, than probably. If you're a kinky person, who has odd likes, fantasies and couldn't do those things because your partner either didn't like it, or you were too scared to be open about them. In my opinion, it's better to be lonely and have that freedom, if you know what I mean?

 

[Zen28]

I would prefer being alone than in a bad relationship. But that's my nature. It is very hard to go at things alone and not necessarily happier or more free either.

 

[blindsided]

i would stay, things are never as bad as we make them seem in our heads, especially if we overthink things or are on an emotional roller coaster (for whatever causes)

 

[Just_another_one]

Hi everyone,

I'd like to pose a question, based on what I'm going through.

If you realized that you are too lonely to live alone, too scared to start all over again and too nostalgic with good memories, would you leave a relationship that was bad 50% of the time and really good 50% of the time?

Of course, I'm having a bad day so my thoughts are all over the map.

PS: If you think I'm whiny or wishy washy, you don't need to reply, it's okay. I'm just trying to figure life out.

That's exactly my situation right now.
I've been in a relationship for almost 7 years now. It has not been easy since when we met I had just separated from my child's father and he was still married and much older. But we got through it and lived happily for the past years.
Now it's been few months that I feel I've reached a point in which I don't know why but I'm no more satisfied with my life.
Not that it's just his fault. First of all I don't like my job, I feel I'm wasting my time working in a field that is not mine.
Not that I'm living passively, I've signed up to University again for a master to have more possibilities of change and I still have another year to go.
Secondly, my kid is 9, he's getting older and I have more free time that I'd like to spend in an amusing way, but we don't have the same goals.
I mean, his kids are 11 and 19, we could travel and see things and I'm doing it alone cause he's not really interested in such things.
Third, my discontent with my life has pushed me in many occupations to keep me busy cause what I've learnt from life so far is that when you don't like things as their are you have to move. No matter where but move and things will change and you will sort it out somehow.
Well I don't know but I guess since I'm moving I'm taking a different path, but I don't want to throw 7 years because of few months so I'm waiting.

I'm also 31 and scared to be alone at this age. Not because I'm scared of be alone in general, but scared I would miss important thing in life because of time. I don't know if I'm being clear because I'm confused too.
I wouldn't have the strength to start over again.

 

[user 139760]

I think you're comfusing choosing to be lonely and to be alone. I chose the latter and have lived more or less comfortably by myself for the last 14 years. As opposed to forming a couple, there are advantages and disadvantages, like anything else.
Being lonely, however, is a different beast. I don't believe anyone in their right minds willfully chooses to be lonely.
I think I remember the other thread of yours. Let me put it to you this way, to pull from my personnal experiences; at various times over the years I've given advice to couples, including my own parents. They all have envied my being alone and being able to lead my life the way I want, as opposed by the problem they were having at the time.
The downside, what they can't live, is that every morning when I come home from work, I do so to an empty home. No one to share anything with, even the arguing. Because after long enough, as insane as it might sound...you miss even that. At least it made you feel alive.
Maybe it's part of our wiring, as human beings. Maybe we're just chasing our shadows. But we all want what's on the other side of the fence. Sometimes, I'm so lonely I'll chat with just anyone, even people I should CERTAINLY know better than to talk to. Is it better? It is...for a time. Then you miss...someone.
I know you're not happy. I'm not saying you should settle for him when you aren't. But that doesn't mean doing like I did is better. It IS...for a time. But there comes a time when it's just not enough anymore. When you start thinking about growing old with someone and dying with them.
I'm only 42 and started looking again for that, and it's hard because I'm not 20 anymore. I have...baggage. Heavy. And issues. Try going on dating website when your teeth are thrashed and you're going to get dentures lol. There's a thing no 30-50 women wants to hear...I think I remember you being around the same age as my own mother...it'll be harder. Just because of the way the world is. Men like young this. As painful as it is for me to admit it lol. I'm the same. I think that's probably why there ARE so many old people who die alone. Of course, this isn't something your coach would probably bring up, like I said, she's got a kind of one sided view, it's normal. But she isnt you. Try as she might, she's not the same as you and can't give you her happy life, as much as she'd want to. But you have to know that either path is not easy. It's not instant freedom, as much as it might feel so in the beginning. It's a choice. And like all choices, you have to weigh them carefully and accept the consequences. So thinkabout long and hard, first. Because you seem like a very nice and decent lady and I'd hate for you to look back in 20 years and say "that was a mistake".
But don't act out of fear. Think, rationalise it and act out of intelligence. Be clearly aware of them, speak with different people in different relationships as much as you can first. But make sure you're clear and honest with yourself.

I hope I'm making sense lol. Didn't plan on this becoming a monologue. I wish you well, madame.

 

[Sebiguess]

Hi everyone,

I'd like to pose a question, based on what I'm going through.

If you realized that you are too lonely to live alone, too scared to start all over again and too nostalgic with good memories, would you leave a relationship that was bad 50% of the time and really good 50% of the time?

Of course, I'm having a bad day so my thoughts are all over the map.

PS: If you think I'm whiny or wishy washy, you don't need to reply, it's okay. I'm just trying to figure life out.

I’ve been faced with that decision several times and I always chose to go it alone. It was always painful and sometimes damaging but that’s the choice I made, every time. I can’t put my hand on my heart and say it was the right or wrong choice. Even with hindsight it’s hard to say.