Would you stay involved with someone who lied to you?

[Phaedron]

You know that your partner has lied to you about at least one thing, but having learned of this one thing you see common patterns and places where many lies could potentially exist in the past. You can't approach them about this unless you are willing to end it. Also, to be fair, the situation cornered them into lieing to you, where asking them about the same thing in the past they basically kept stalling you about it as they did not want to outright lie to you.

Do you stay involved with them? If so, what is the best strategy to get the relationship to a point where it is honest again? (assuming it was ever completely honest to begin with.)

What if the relationship is long distance with no end in sight?

 

[Phaedron]

Good morning all. Now that I am less drunk, I edited this to be far less personal and focus on the question at hand...

Personal situations are a bit too complicated anyway, and it's rare that someone with far less experience then yourself can solve it...

 

[TheWickedOne]

No. Do not stay with someone who lies to you. You are worth more than being than lied to.

 

[nerdygirl]

It depends on the lie. Is it a "No, honey. That dress doesn't make your butt look fat" kind of lie, or is it a, "No, honey. That's not a lipstick stain on my undies, it's from marinara sauce" kind of lie?

 

[Phaedron]

It's the kind of lie where they doesn't usually lie, but don't want to hurt your feelings...

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Will...I knew my ex-gf lied to me to a degree.
I don't think it was even that...It was like she made promises that she couldn't keep.
**** ..I it's not that complicated to know the **** is just not right.
Poeple that lies to me actaully insults my fucken intelligents. it's fucken ******** behaviors.

So here's my current situations with my ex-wf. We trying to repair our relationship.
I don't belive she had ever lied to me. She might had say things or do things not to my liking.
I've been honest and forth coming with her. I belive she has done the same.
I don't want her to have to lie to me wheather she dose things to my liking or not....
So i don't go asking a lot of questions from her. I don't expect anything from her.
She already stated her truth...that she loves me very, very much no matter what. I love her just the same.
I'm fine with this...at the moment.
Whether we get back together dosn't really matter at this piont. It would be nice..yes
I'm not going to get her to make any promises to me. No strings....

It's the same way I treat my children. My duaghter speaks to me...she tells me everything...wheather I agree with it or not.
I don't want her to have to lie to me ...just to know I love her. I love her no matter what.

Becuase the truth of the matter is...I have no power over other people. It's apply these things to ones that I love the most.
Freewill granted to me by god. Freewill granted to everyone else too.
No one was put in this fucken planet to make my life eaier or please me. It is what , what it is...wheather I like it or not.

 

[loketron]

no
as soon as you have that feeling
its over,
im a big believer of if you ever break up once
or have one of those crazy *** fights
its over

 

[Steel]

I see two kinds of lies; those told to protect the person being lied to, and those told to protect the liar.

I think intent is all important.

 

[kelbo]

I see two kinds of lies; those told to protect the person being lied to, and those told to protect the liar.

I think intent is all important.

I agree with Steel - the intent is definitely important.

However, just because somebody lied doesn't mean it is over. People lie all of the time about lots of things...sometimes it is to protect others, sometimes they are just helpless little lies and sometimes there are bad motives for lying too.

The best thing you can do is ask her. And figure out if YOU think you actually believe what she says. If you are always going to doubt her, it will never work out.

 

[cheaptrickfan]

Also, to be fair, the situation cornered them into lieing to you, where asking them about the same thing in the past they basically kept stalling you about it as they did not want to outright lie to you.

I want to start with this one. You never corner someone into lying. You may indeed have placed her in a do or die situation where the only choices were the brutal truth or a bald-faced lie, with no chance for graceful and vague evasion, but that person made the choice. It's not on you.

You know that your partner has lied to you about at least one thing, but having learned of this one thing you see common patterns and places where many lies could potentially exist in the past. You can't approach them about this unless you are willing to end it. ...


Do you stay involved with them? If so, what is the best strategy to get the relationship to a point where it is honest again? (assuming it was ever completely honest to begin with.)

If the lies are significant and it appears that there is indeed a pattern of deceit I would not stay involved.

Well, no. Actually, first I would confront him.

You have to find out the nature and the depths of the lies. If the lies and shadiness just keep bubbling up, then that's it. Even a succession of little white lies would bug me. I really want the person I love to be honest with me... though tactfully so. lol

Don't let some craven liar treating you with disrespect, and make no mistake, someone who lies chronically about every little thing, is not giving you the respect you deserve.

You deserve better than to be strung along like that. Those are the drama-filled games of little boys and little girls who are too insecure to give a chance to commit to another person.

To answer your other question: If someone's interaction with you is so wholly based on deception, I really don't know if it is possible to bring it to a place of honesty. You can't force someone to change unless she admits that what she is doing is wrong, feels remorse for it, and has a genuine desire to change. Either way, it will require the two of you to come together and have a heart-to-heart talk.

What if the relationship is long distance with no end in sight?

In some ways, those are the easiest to cut the ties once you have decided to do so. You can delete her from friends lists, block email and phone numbers etc with no worry that you may bump into her in public or hear from mutual friends about her activities.

IMO, the best way to go about these things is abruptly: cut her out of her life. Rip that bandaid off fast. If you linger over it, there is the chance that you will encourage that little bit of hope in your heart, and that just prolongs the agony.

I am really sorry about this. Finding out that someone has been deceitful really hurts.

 

[mintymint]

Trust can never be completely rebuilt. Innocence never fully restored. Doubt never completely removed. We can't forget what we know has happened. And unfortunately we're smart enough to know it can happen again. If I were married with children, I might weigh those external factors into the equation. But without those things, I would say no. I would not stay with someone I could not trust. It's just too heartbreaking.

 

[Phaedron]

I see two kinds of lies; those told to protect the person being lied to, and those told to protect the liar.

I think intent is all important.

I think its both type of lie actually...

Intent? On one hand telling everyone she is done with me, but secretly spending time with me in a loving way. On the other hand, shielding my feelings from being over it (failing of course) and preventing confrontation.

 

[shells]

I've lied to my boyfriend. I felt so crappy telling it, knowing that it wasn't right, I fessed up immediately after lying. It almost broke up the relationship, but we were able to talk through it. Part of me wants to say that my lie was so insignificant and small it shouldn't have mattered; but a lie is a lie.

I don't want to condone lying. I learned a lesson that communication, honesty, trust, and respect is key to having a good relationship.