Unsigned
Well-known member
Part of my comment about the 20 somethings was tongue in cheek humor.
I am pretty sure you got it.
38 male virgin - Pros and Cons of paying for sex
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I am pretty sure you got it.
TheSkaFish
Jedi Guardian
I thought about this more, on my walk last night. And I think I got what you meant more clearly.
It does no good to theorize about attraction and talk about this stuff all day and night.
Once you get the message:
- get something going for you/get power/skills/good ideas/a distinct personality and identity, and decide and commit to these things and organize your life towards them
- get happy and secure with your life and yourself
then it's time to hang up the phone. It is time to leave the dojo and hit the road.
Only talking about this stuff, is only wanting "it" like you were saying. And it's no wonder women don't like that, because it's just wanting to get something out of them, it's boring, and you have to have a life - especially a life where things actually go your way because you have the power to make them. Just theorizing about attraction and sex, isn't having a life, any more than theorizing about drugs and getting high, isn't having a life either. It reminded me of this guy I used to smoke with years ago now, when I was still doing that. I wasn't really actual friends with this group, we were more of "weed friends". And this guy in particular, all he wanted to do, was figure out ways to hook up with women, and to smoke. He wasn't actually a strong, skillful person. He was dopey. I didn't really like this guy/he gave me bad vibes, but it's taken until now for me to articulate why. It was more or less this same issue - he wanted sex with women, but without being attractive and having a life.
And going out and doing things, like you said to do, isn't supposed to just be a distraction, or like fidgeting around in a waiting room - instead those are supposed to be your actual interests/personality/life, having a life. That's supposed to be your source of conversation material, and good feelings about yourself.
Just my second thoughts, I guess.
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Mr. Preuss
Active member
Exactly! You're right! Also, note that you cannot become happy merely as a means to achieve something, you won't ever find happiness if all happiness is to you is a means to an end, because then your happiness will depend on you achieving that end, and since you have to be happy in order to achieve that end, you'll never become happy at all! You have to find in yourself the strength to be happy within a realistic set of accessible possibilities, you have to find happiness in the ambit of what you already have - or in the ambit of what you can realistically do -, and if a relationship is not a part of that, than you have to find your own happiness as a bachelor, accepting that fact, simply because it's much better to be happy than to not be happy at all. Accepting things and even resigning oneself to certain unmodifiable or nearly unmodifiable circumstances are not undignified acts, those are not things that "losers" do but, much to the contrary, they are the marks of a solar soul, of an illuminated individual. Throughout the ages this was always seen as such and this serene spirituality of the lover of the world was respected and cherished, it's only the perversion of contemporary culture that comes to denigrate it, to the harm of those that would otherwise be happy.
TheSkaFish
Jedi Guardian
Well, I wouldn't go that far.
I feel like giving up on life is what f*cked my life in the first place. It's the last thing I want to do.
F*CK "acceptance" and resignation, will always be my view.
It's something I have, and will always hate.
I maintain that they are for losers.
The day a person "accepts" is the day they might as well be dead.
They are inside. The body is just waiting to follow.
I just think if something is really important, like escaping my old story is to me, then the pain of staying in it is greater than the pain of trying every day until I escape. I just went through the motions before, and then I didn't even do that. Escape is all I want to do. I can only hope an organized, committed, clear-headed and sincere effort to escape, will be enough.
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ardour
Well known loser
OP, don't take this the wrong way but you're experiences are typical of men with average or below looks.
After working out for a number of years and upping my style, I couldn't help noticing the blank stares or averted eyes from female service staff changed to neutral or friendly body language. Women are generally a lot friendlier now. They sit next to or near me on public transport (even to avoid other guys, sometimes). I get the odd smile from strange women walking past me on the street. This never happened before, and it completely blindsided me as I'd become used to the opposite. I even get the odd extended look at the gym sometimes. A bizarre turnaround.
From "creepy" to mostly "safe" when the only thing that changed about me was my appearance. (Too late, due to my age, sadly.)
This is all reenforced every time I walk outside on the campus I work at. The young men in mixed social circles are usually better looking than average and look very much upper middle class.
It's hard not to be cynical after seeing and experiencing this over and over. The reality is we are judged by surface level characteristics first and foremost: looks, class/status, maybe confidence etc.
So maybe don't bother with the 'inner work' nonsense; change the outer first and see where it gets you.
After working out for a number of years and upping my style, I couldn't help noticing the blank stares or averted eyes from female service staff changed to neutral or friendly body language. Women are generally a lot friendlier now. They sit next to or near me on public transport (even to avoid other guys, sometimes). I get the odd smile from strange women walking past me on the street. This never happened before, and it completely blindsided me as I'd become used to the opposite. I even get the odd extended look at the gym sometimes. A bizarre turnaround.
From "creepy" to mostly "safe" when the only thing that changed about me was my appearance. (Too late, due to my age, sadly.)
This is all reenforced every time I walk outside on the campus I work at. The young men in mixed social circles are usually better looking than average and look very much upper middle class.
It's hard not to be cynical after seeing and experiencing this over and over. The reality is we are judged by surface level characteristics first and foremost: looks, class/status, maybe confidence etc.
So maybe don't bother with the 'inner work' nonsense; change the outer first and see where it gets you.
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Mr. Preuss
Active member
On the contrary, it's the person who is never satisfied with anything and that is always wanting more and more that is as good as dead, but this is starting to get repetitive, so I'll refrain from elaborating. Sometimes silence speak louder than words, or so they say... I'll let mine speak for me.
TheSkaFish
Jedi Guardian
Fair enough. It's not that I don't understand what you're saying. It's just not a belief I share.
I've seen what acceptance and resignation look like first-hand...from my point of view, it sucks.
Even the people that claim to be happy with it, I've heard them complain. I don't believe their claims.
(That's another thing in general - when I say I hate something, people assume that I'm trashing something that I don't know enough about to know what I'm talking about, when no, I have in fact experienced these situations enough to know I hate them.)
It's indistinguishable to me, from just giving up on life - the same thing as someone might do that drinks or gets high every day.
I've always known I wanted something else.
Maybe you're at a place in life that is "good enough", and therefore it's not so painful for you to stay there.
My personal belief is that you have to at least reach "OK", before you can start talking about contentment (and a relationship is, to me, part of "just OK", "normal" - again not some exotic luxury, like wealth or fame - it was always presented to me as the normal progression of life, and I've seen all kinds of people get into relationships, and I've always felt, why not me?).
And I haven't reached "OK" yet.
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TheRealCallie
Princess Pink Love
Everyone complains about something at some point...whether they are happy or not.
TheRealCallie
Princess Pink Love
Entirely depends on the circumstances and how much of a chance you gave it.
Drinking and getting high are, more often than not, done to escape. That's different. I'm sure you probably wouldn't be opposed to a glass of wine with dinner or something like that (if you like the taste of wine...I personally don't)
TheRealCallie
Princess Pink Love
Okay, apparently, I'm being that annoying person that makes a million posts because I keep finding things I want to say. lol
Anyway. There is acceptance and then there is ACCEPTANCE. To truly accept something, you have to be willing to let it go. If you can't let it go, you haven't accepted it. If you still dwell on it, you haven't accepted it. Until you are ready to to let it go, not let it impact your life and forgive yourself for what happened, you can't really accept anything.
There are a lot of people who SAY they accepted something and they likely believe they have accepted it, but in reality, they really haven't. THAT is where resignation comes in. You aren't ready to give up on your past, so you can't accept it yet. When you are truly ready to move on from it, you will. Not a moment before. I think fear is still holding you back from doing that. Just my opinion, of course, I can only go by what you post, so I can be way off.
And I know people think I'm a cold hearted ***** when I say anything about "reality" when it comes to trying and accepting and all that, but I'm not. I thought for years that I had accepted what happened to me, I thought for years that I was trying my hardest to change. I wasn't. It FELT like I was at the time, but I really wasn't. I know many others that have the same experience....from all over the world. Likely anyone who has come out the other side of something will tell you the same.
Constantin
Active member
I never understood the point of "happy endings" in massage parlors. Why would I pay for someone to give me a handjob? It makes absolutely no sense to me. I can masturbate at home for free. What about the fact that it's a female hand that masturbates me make it any different? It's not a different experience like feeling your penis enter a vagina. It's just a hand. A female hand. Big whoop!
ardour
Well known loser
You could try this instead.It's not a different experience like feeling your penis enter a vagina.
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