I've my own issues but this time it really is about a friend! I live in the UK and I'm friendly with a girl from Belgium, we talk on messengers, skype, phonecalls etc and generally have fun. I've been looking to take some time out to visit her in belgium, but the problem is that she has significant social anxieties to the point where meeting up with me is incredibly worrying. It's really starting to get me down as it feels like a new excuse pops up every time. The current terms of our friendship are really difficult for me as I want so badly to meet up with her and have a fun week/weekend, but I feel like I'm bashing my head against a brick wall!
A problem with a friend of mine
- Thread starter Ayunae
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Pezza
Well-known member
Don't put too much pressure on her, if she comes up with an excuse then leave it for a week or 2, if you make a matter of the subject you could lose her forever. Just keep talking to her as you are and come to terms with the fact that a visit might take a considerably longer time to achieve than what you were hoping for.
I Imagine she's a great girl and is probably well worth the extra wait
I Imagine she's a great girl and is probably well worth the extra wait
I've always tried to avoid pushing it too much. A week or two? hell I try not to mention it any more than once every few months, but it's been about 3 years now. She knows how important it is to me and I bend over backwards trying to iron out any flaws in my own personality to make our friendship work, but when she shrugs this off so easily it really makes me feel quite hopeless and worthless >.<
You shouldn't let her excuses get to you, you said she as social anxiety so really you should expect that from her. Maybe try something simpler where she would be comfortable.
Hmm any particular suggestions? We've already done a lot of the obvious things like skype phonecalls, webcam (which was overcoming a huge fear of my own, yay.) I think she's worth the wait but I really need some way to be less frustrated about the whole thing, or at least get something in motion.
I had a friend like that once on instant messenger. We got really close... more close than to anyone I've known in person. We would talk every day online but she always made excuses to not meet up in real life.
Finally after a year of talking, she calls me crying. She tells me I will hate her. She breaks down and tells me she is married. It's just that she is with someone she doesn't love.
I finally talked her into staying with him and dropping me as a close friend as she wasn't going to leave him as it was.
Finally after a year of talking, she calls me crying. She tells me I will hate her. She breaks down and tells me she is married. It's just that she is with someone she doesn't love.
I finally talked her into staying with him and dropping me as a close friend as she wasn't going to leave him as it was.
This situation sounds like you are more into her than she is into you. I just can't believe she has social anxieties as bad as you think or she claims because she has a boyfriend. I think she may be using you to fill up her spare time or maybe she likes the attention you give her and it boosts her ego. After three years I would discontinue this long distance "relationship" it's not authentic. I know that it's tough to give up a relationship, but, this one does not sound healthy for you.
As Swan Lake says, it is possible that you have more invested emotionally in the friendship than she has and that maybe she has more going on in her life than you know about . Or it could be true that her social anxiety is too great for her to cope with meeting up with you. It is impossible to know for sure either way. I think that if the friendship is causing you more pain than enjoyment, it might be time to end it and to look for someone who will want to meet up. On the other hand, if you are able to make her less important in your life and to look for other friends, you could keep her as a less close friend, thus preserving at least some of the good things you have found in the friendship.
I have a friend abroad and whenever meeting came up, she said vaguely that it would be nice at some future point, and that was all. So I decided to settle for a penfriendship and have found that it has its good side as well.
I have a friend abroad and whenever meeting came up, she said vaguely that it would be nice at some future point, and that was all. So I decided to settle for a penfriendship and have found that it has its good side as well.
I think you could be right, I sent her a message expressing why it was an important thing to me and she responded... badly, and started getting another of her friends to criticise me, it felt a little over the top. I think at this stage it is causing me more pain than anything else, but I suffer moderate depression so I'm really lacking in available friends. It's hard to leave myself with nobody :/
I've decided I need to try and remove my huge emotional investment in the friendship, I've become really quite dependant. A penfriend type approcach seems much more healthy but I really don't know how to do this, I can't even begin to describe how difficult it feels. Really hopeless and there's a horrible physical sensation in my chest :/
VanillaCreme
Well-known member
If she's not going to do it, she's not going to do it. I don't think there's anything you could ever say or explain to make her switch over to it. I say just stay close friends, and perhaps one day she'll just come around. Maybe she'll realize it's not such a big deal. As someone who's met several of my closest friends online in person, it's not as nerve wracking as it seems. It just seems scary for a moment, and then you see how much fun you have with them. She'll come around, just give her time.
2firstnaymz
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Ayunae said:
Two of the best friends I've ever had in my adult life are strictly online. I met both of them through a failing website. I've known them for 4 years now. We exchange pictures of ourselves and our pets and even send each other cards and gifts and such. It really doesn't matter to me if I never meet them face-to-face - they have outlasted my "real-life" friends by far!
If you value the friendship and get something positive out of it, I wouldn't stress it.
