Acting Nice and dealing with fake niceness

[isthatso]

In today's society (it seems) as though we are placed in situations where we have to be "nice" to people we would otherwise have NOTHING to do with. Speaking your mind is a dream, because when we let our true feelings fly be it with family, friends, co-workers, or strangers on the street we face reactions ranging from admonishment all the way up to legal action.

This quote came from another forum. So impressed I copied it.
Also I am interested in what other members have experienced in the way of "fake niceness" from other people. And how do you tell the difference between real and fake? I like to think I have good radar for BS but in fact have been duped recently quite easily. Turned out this person's real character was extremely cunning and deceptive.
relishing the downfall of others.

I think people can read if my niceness is fake or not. I'm not an "A" grade actor. Interestingly I've found that the people who can detect any slight fakeness in me are the ones who most likely to use fake niceness themselves.

 

[Lost Drifter]

So what’s so wrong about being nice to people you would otherwise have nothing to do with? Within reason that’s just common courtesy (something a lot of people lack at the moment) and it certainly isn’t a bad thing. I think the problem arises when people confuse being courteous for being fake.

For example not very long ago a colleague of mine wanted to show me her holiday photographs; even though I had no desire to see all identical 106 images of her sat drunk at a bar, in the spirit of being courteous I put on a smile and said I would love to them. Afterwards I she told another colleague that because I didn’t have a minor orgasm of excitement over every picture she showed me, I was obviously a faking being nice and am thus the most evil person on the planet. WTF indeed.

In my eyes I was being nice by showing courtesy but in her eyes I wasn’t being nice enough. That then is another problem, other than the Scottish* there are no clear cut definitions of someone being completely nice or nasty. People can be courteous but not nice, or nice but not courteous but never confuse the two for being one and the same. Sure if someone is deliberately causing trouble to others then yes, I’d say that they’re not being nice. Or if said person is just pretending to be nice so that they can get into a position for causing trouble, that too wouldn’t be nice.

But as for detecting fakes (apologies for going off topic so far) I’d sit back and start to question what I’m reading into things before judging the other person. It could mean me reading too much into their courtesy and when they didn’t fulfil my expectations of being nice, I wrongly labelled them as being a fake. Nothing is so black and white and all that jazz.


* I jest

 

[isthatso]

I can understand I have created some confusion here. Nothing wrong with being courteous of course.

OK let's stick to the difference between being genuinely nice and courteous and being "fake nice" which involves manipulation for devious ends.

Genuine politeness comes out of an awareness of the importance of civility and respect. If I'm patient with you, you'll be patient with me.
Fake niceness .....on the other hand....

 

[Lady X]

There is some degree of falseness in our notion of what is polite. It's one aspect of the English language that foreigners do find difficult.

I have known a few eastern europeans who people have presumed to be rude or abrupt because they answer a question straight to the point, or say "ok bye" when they are leaving. But when talking about language differences with them, they are bemused as to why we say "see you later" when we have no intention of meeting later, or "Alright?" as a greeting rather than a question. We embellish our language to a certain point, to add niceties and basically untrue statements as a sort of linguistic generosity.


However, there is a deeper level of "fakeness" than just smiling and saying "nice to see you" to that arsey regional manager that just came by to tell you there would be no pay rises this year, or saying "aww isn't she lovely" to someone's picture of their new baby who actually looks like Winston Churchill on a bad day.

There are people who go further than basic "politeness" and actually manipulate other people by pretending to have interest and concerns about them that they just don't - normally in order to get or co-erce something out of that person.

These people are harder to spot and can be really damaging in people's lives.

I personally have had pretty poor history with this, and taking such people at face value has left me where I am today, which is not a good place.

But, I think I'm gonna stay optimistic and carry on trying to see the good in people. I'd rather think I got screwed over because I wanted people to be genuine than wonder "what if" if I became too cynical and tried to analyse everyone suspiciously.

However, nowadays I take more time getting to know someone, however nice, before I get too close.... sadly, I don't get that chance too often

 

[bodafuko]

I've perfected being an ******* and getting away with it. (to those that I do not care for)

It makes me happy.

 

[Gutted]

I am sometimes like this. But only when it's vital. For example, some miserable people work in shops around my area. But I'm nice to them to keep any awkwardness at bay. Maybe one day I'll tell them to smile as their face wont crack

My Mum is the opposite. Should couldn't fake niceness if she tried.

 

[isthatso]

I've perfected being an ******* and getting away with it. (to those that I do not care for)

It makes me happy.

Some people only understand a...hole language.

---

However, there is a deeper level of "fakeness" than just smiling and saying "nice to see you" to that arsey regional manager that just came by to tell you there would be no pay rises this year, or saying "aww isn't she lovely" to someone's picture of their new baby who actually looks like Winston Churchill on a bad day.

There are people who go further than basic "politeness" and actually manipulate other people by pretending to have interest and concerns about them that they just don't - normally in order to get or co-erce something out of that person.

These people are harder to spot and can be really damaging in people's lives.
I personally have had pretty poor history with this, and taking such people at face value has left me where I am today, which is not a good place.

But, I think I'm gonna stay optimistic and carry on trying to see the good in people. I'd rather think I got screwed over because I wanted people to be genuine than wonder "what if" if I became too cynical and tried to analyse everyone suspiciously.

Lady X often articulates better what I am trying to say. Thanks lady X.
The danger for me is to become too analytical and suspect everyone.
The minute I meet a "charmer"....or'gift of the gab talker sales type person"... I have my BS antennae up. But as Lady X said, the very clever ones are extremely hard to detect. And they are the most dangerous.

 

[Sigma]

The approach I took is just assume everyone is out to exploit you in some way, and act accordingly.
Sometimes that means being a ********* to people who genuinely try to open up to you, but I stopped taking gambles like that long ago.
Trust issues are difficult to get rid off.

 

[Rosebolt]

I tend to follow my instincts as much as possible, there were times where i didn't, because i wanted to see the good in people, and got hurt. For as far as i am aware my instinct hasn't really been wrong before, so i'll float with that as much as i can.

Honesty is something i value, so it's not often i fake kindness myself, though i'd be lying if i said i never did.

 

[Okiedokes]

I say if you have to deal with being around someone, then it's always better to fake general niceness than to get nasty. Doesn't mean you have to treat them like a best friend or anything.

I think the thing to watch out for and sometimes I've gone a little overboard with the thought is if someone acts all nice or nicer than usual I tend to think they want something out of me or just want in my business. It usually involves when the person normally never wants to talk till something happens and all of a sudden....I'm their friend. Riiiight...

 

[perfanoff]

There is some degree of falseness in our notion of what is polite. It's one aspect of the English language that foreigners do find difficult.

I have known a few eastern europeans who people have presumed to be rude or abrupt because they answer a question straight to the point, or say "ok bye" when they are leaving. But when talking about language differences with them, they are bemused as to why we say "see you later" when we have no intention of meeting later, or "Alright?" as a greeting rather than a question. We embellish our language to a certain point, to add niceties and basically untrue statements as a sort of linguistic generosity.


However, there is a deeper level of "fakeness" than just smiling and saying "nice to see you" to that arsey regional manager that just came by to tell you there would be no pay rises this year, or saying "aww isn't she lovely" to someone's picture of their new baby who actually looks like Winston Churchill on a bad day.

There are people who go further than basic "politeness" and actually manipulate other people by pretending to have interest and concerns about them that they just don't - normally in order to get or co-erce something out of that person.

These people are harder to spot and can be really damaging in people's lives.

I personally have had pretty poor history with this, and taking such people at face value has left me where I am today, which is not a good place.

But, I think I'm gonna stay optimistic and carry on trying to see the good in people. I'd rather think I got screwed over because I wanted people to be genuine than wonder "what if" if I became too cynical and tried to analyse everyone suspiciously.

However, nowadays I take more time getting to know someone, however nice, before I get too close.... sadly, I don't get that chance too often

What you say rings true on the interaction between Eastern Europeans and Americans, too.

It would be good if we could all really understand each other even through our differences.

 

[Moe'sTavern]

So what’s so wrong about being nice to people you would otherwise have nothing to do with? Within reason that’s just common courtesy (something a lot of people lack at the moment) and it certainly isn’t a bad thing. I think the problem arises when people confuse being courteous for being fake.

For example not very long ago a colleague of mine wanted to show me her holiday photographs; even though I had no desire to see all identical 106 images of her sat drunk at a bar, in the spirit of being courteous I put on a smile and said I would love to them. Afterwards I she told another colleague that because I didn’t have a minor orgasm of excitement over every picture she showed me, I was obviously a faking being nice and am thus the most evil person on the planet. WTF indeed.

In my eyes I was being nice by showing courtesy but in her eyes I wasn’t being nice enough. That then is another problem, other than the Scottish* there are no clear cut definitions of someone being completely nice or nasty. People can be courteous but not nice, or nice but not courteous but never confuse the two for being one and the same. Sure if someone is deliberately causing trouble to others then yes, I’d say that they’re not being nice. Or if said person is just pretending to be nice so that they can get into a position for causing trouble, that too wouldn’t be nice.

But as for detecting fakes (apologies for going off topic so far) I’d sit back and start to question what I’m reading into things before judging the other person. It could mean me reading too much into their courtesy and when they didn’t fulfil my expectations of being nice, I wrongly labelled them as being a fake. Nothing is so black and white and all that jazz.


* I jest

Wouldn't it have just been easier to say thanks but no thanks to viewing her photos? Her reaction was a little overboard but she assumed you had no interest of seeing her photos. Which you didn't. I'm all for courteous, but there's nothing wrong with just saying NO if your able to.