Anybody else like me

[Triple Bogey]

I have a strong feeling based on a lot of things that people really do like me. The women at work, customers, some people at golf, anybody else that knows me. This is all very nice and I appreciate all these people. But women don't seem to like me enough to want a relationship. That never happens. Maybe people feel sorry for me ? Older ladies seem to think I am wonderful. At work customers are always saying 'hello' to me or asking questions about what I am getting up to.

I wonder why this happens ?
Maybe it's all about how I come across ?

 

[TheRealCallie]

I think a lot of it has to do with how you come across to people. You say you like your life and all that, but you have NOTHING good to say about how you look and you talk a lot about how no women would want you. As much as you try to hide that, it will show to other people. Believe in yourself and believe you are good enough and you will likely have better luck.

 

[Triple Bogey]

I think a lot of it has to do with how you come across to people. You say you like your life and all that, but you have NOTHING good to say about how you look and you talk a lot about how no women would want you. As much as you try to hide that, it will show to other people. Believe in yourself and believe you are good enough and you will likely have better luck.

If that's true then why are women nice to me then ?

Is it pity ?

ps there isn't anything good to say about how I look. That's a fact. I wish it wasn't true. I am not shy in telling people how good I am at things. I never shut up about my golf game for example. I am probably a touch arrogant. Nobody on here has seen me either. (Apart from some photo from a couple of years back) - I could never strut around like I am a good looking man. On this other forum about 6 or 7 years ago, I did this little video, just me talking to the camera. I didn't think it was that bad. I asked people if they would watch the video and could they give an honest opinion. My very best friends on the forum described me as 'average' and said I should 'smile more'. All the others said I looked awful. Some said I looked mean and dangerous. Some said I looked 'creepy', some mentioned I looked like a 'serial killer', the feedback was dreadful. I would never do that again, it was very depressing.

I have said time and time again. I have a miserable looking face, I have a miserable sounding voice. I have miserable looking body language. However much I laugh, joke and smile with people, they always see that. I get comments every day. I just ignore them. It is nothing to do with my personality. I am actually a very happy person. I am quite a flirt with women, I can chat women up. Not like it does me any good. People who know me, they like me. People who see me for the first time won't be impressed at all.

 

[TheRealCallie]

Wanting to date you and wanting to be your friend is two completely different things. People can like you, yet not want to date you. That doesn't mean they pity you, it just means they wouldn't date you. That could change with a different outlook, but you can't know unless you try.

I saw the photo you posted here this year (yes, you did post a golf photo) and while I couldn't see you full on from the front, you are not ugly. Average does not mean ugly or that you can't get a woman to date you. It just means you're average, not ugly and not super model gorgeous, which most of the people in this world are, that's why it's average.

You are saying it all again, you are miserable about your looks and it shows to other people. Even if you laugh and smile and joke with people, are you not thinking about those things in your head? Or maybe not at the exact moment, but not long after? It's in your head and whether you know you're thinking it or not, it's likely showing.
Stop listening to yourself about how you look and sound. Some people may have bad things to say about you, but that's going to be true with everyone. You aren't as happy as you think, if you have those thoughts about yourself.

 

[ardour]

I have a strong feeling based on a lot of things that people really do like me. The women at work, customers, some people at golf, anybody else that knows me. This is all very nice and I appreciate all these people. But women don't seem to like me enough to want a relationship. That never happens. Maybe people feel sorry for me ? Older ladies seem to think I am wonderful. At work customers are always saying 'hello' to me or asking questions about what I am getting up to.

I wonder why this happens ?
Maybe it's all about how I come across ?

Not to be harsh here Triple Bogey, but there's a difference between liking someone, enjoying their company and attraction. You can't force or guarantee someone will find you attractive just by being a likeable enough person.

I have the same "problem"; older women are relaxed and seem to like me, women around my age and younger; the opposite.

 

[VanillaCreme]

I don't think it's pity. Perhaps they are genuinely nice people. Reading too much into anything can do one's head in. And I agree with Ardour; There's a big difference between liking someone and being nice, and being interested and attracted to someone in a romantic way.

 

[Tiina63]

I think this has come up in an earlier thread-I remember, because I have the same problem as you, TripleBogey. Men like me as a friend or in a brother-to-sister way, but they tend not to see me as someone to go out with or to be attracted to. I still don't know why, after spending years trying to analyse it.

 

[Triple Bogey]

I think this has come up in an earlier thread-I remember, because I have the same problem as you, TripleBogey. Men like me as a friend or in a brother-to-sister way, but they tend not to see me as someone to go out with or to be attracted to. I still don't know why, after spending years trying to analyse it.

Yes that was my original point. I don't know either. People can throw clichés around such as 'deep down you don't like yourself and people pick up on it' - but it's not true in my case. Miles from it.

---

I don't think it's pity. Perhaps they are genuinely nice people. Reading too much into anything can do one's head in. And I agree with Ardour; There's a big difference between liking someone and being nice, and being interested and attracted to someone in a romantic way.

Yes I agree. There is a big difference.

---

I have a strong feeling based on a lot of things that people really do like me. The women at work, customers, some people at golf, anybody else that knows me. This is all very nice and I appreciate all these people. But women don't seem to like me enough to want a relationship. That never happens. Maybe people feel sorry for me ? Older ladies seem to think I am wonderful. At work customers are always saying 'hello' to me or asking questions about what I am getting up to.

I wonder why this happens ?
Maybe it's all about how I come across ?

Not to be harsh here Triple Bogey, but there's a difference between liking someone, enjoying their company and attraction. You can't force or guarantee someone will find you attractive just by being a likeable enough person.

I have the same "problem"; older women are relaxed and seem to like me, women around my age and younger; the opposite.

Your similar to me then. The question is why don't women find us attractive ?

---

Wanting to date you and wanting to be your friend is two completely different things. People can like you, yet not want to date you. That doesn't mean they pity you, it just means they wouldn't date you. That could change with a different outlook, but you can't know unless you try.

I saw the photo you posted here this year (yes, you did post a golf photo) and while I couldn't see you full on from the front, you are not ugly. Average does not mean ugly or that you can't get a woman to date you. It just means you're average, not ugly and not super model gorgeous, which most of the people in this world are, that's why it's average.

You are saying it all again, you are miserable about your looks and it shows to other people. Even if you laugh and smile and joke with people, are you not thinking about those things in your head? Or maybe not at the exact moment, but not long after? It's in your head and whether you know you're thinking it or not, it's likely showing.
Stop listening to yourself about how you look and sound. Some people may have bad things to say about you, but that's going to be true with everyone. You aren't as happy as you think, if you have those thoughts about yourself.

Up to the age of say 30 I did obsesses about my looks and my lack of success with women. I was a very miserable person.

Now I don't. Yes I come on here and write stuff but once I leave my computer I don't really think about it. My Manager today in a meeting said I was a happy, relaxed member of staff. I get more 'happy' comments than 'miserable' - thing is the miserable ones do sting a bit.
I am quite happy with how I look if I don't either see myself in a photograph or see a reflection in a window. Maybe it's a mental thing but that's the only time I get a bit down. I think quite a few people are like that anyway.

But you've answered my question. So thanks.
I guess it all boils down to not asking enough women out on dates.

 

[LonelySutton]

I have this issue too. Triple, I just looked you up on the photo thread... you are just fine. It is really tough to figure. I feel like I have a lot of friends to / people get along with me well. But then, I always find out I was wrong and *I* thought more of our relationship than there really was.

 

[Batman55]

I think the answer for anyone who has this problem is deep down you probably don't like yourself.

It's one thing to have a nice life; another thing altogether to actually believe in your self-worth.

 

[Triple Bogey]

I think the answer for anyone who has this problem is deep down you probably don't like yourself.

It's one thing to have a nice life; another thing altogether to actually believe in your self-worth.

well I like myself. As deep down as you can get.
May apply to some people but definitely not me.

 

[TheSkaFish]

I had a problem with slouching as well. It was probably a self-esteem thing, but also because I tended to carry everything with me in school which weighed me down and became habit.

The thing is, there is a correct posture, and it's not slouching. Stand up straight, shoulders back, head held high and don't look down - this is ideal. Don't think of it as "strutting" if that bothers you - I don't go for the whole braggadocio thing either. But you might as well do what gets the results you want, and besides, you can breathe deeper when you stand up straight versus when you slouch, which may help you feel better, feel more energy. And it might help the tone of your voice as well, if you feel that is an issue. I notice for example, sometimes I'll have some music on and be slouched in my chair, and I'll try to sing along but fail. I think it's because I'm slouched and can't draw in big breaths.

Also the looks thing - you might be one small fix away. I was watching a Tony Robbins video clip the other day and it talked about how the difference between success and failure can often be as small as one millimeter. What if it was just one small thing you were doing wrong, or one small thing you weren't doing that would help you? I know I feel much, much better about my looks after I shave and get a haircut that compliments the shape of my head. I was getting the wrong haircut for years and then thinking I was just ugly, but I think I finally figured it out.

Another bad habit is complaining. I have to watch myself here, very very closely, but I was a complainer for years and of course it drove women away and pretty much soured my relationships with anyone, family friends etc. all across the board. One thing I try to consciously do is avoid things that get me into a complaining binge - the news and politics for example. I try to completely avoid it. I can't complain about it if I don't know about it.

Anyway. I believe you, Bogey, can find someone. Probably a lot easier than I can. You articulate your thoughts well, you have a sense of humor, you seem like a good guy, you have hobbies that you are good at, you have enough physical and mental functionality that that can't hold you back. You're all right.

 

[LonelySutton]

I think the answer for anyone who has this problem is deep down you probably don't like yourself.

Talk about blame the victim. I disagree.

One of the examples of a person who (1) does not hate themselves: (2) is very pretty and (3) is a wonderful human is -- Sandra Bullock. Everyone adores her. And she is actually very pretty. But look at her private life. She did get married (to a loser who wanted her money) but I see an amazing woman there who isn't "attractive" in the Angelina Jolie motif. Sandy is funny and pal like and she is also all alone. Kenau Reeves thinks she is great but not enough to date. George Clooney thinks she is great but he marries some Angelina Jolie type do gooder lawyer.

Also, my favorite character "Daria" said in the first episode of the series that she had good self esteem, it was esteem for others that she lacked. That is me. Though even Daria got a boyfriend.

I have often wondered if there is some sort of act that 99% of us were taught as children by our parents that gets people attracted to you that people with this problem just didn't learn. Like we express the message to people that if you don't want to date us, that is ok, where others send the message like, if you don't want to date us you are a fool.

But one more point TB, and I apologize if you have mentioned this, but have you tried? Gone to events and such? It is impossible to ask people out in the workplace even if you are interested.

 

[Triple Bogey]

I think the answer for anyone who has this problem is deep down you probably don't like yourself.

Talk about blame the victim. I disagree.

One of the examples of a person who (1) does not hate themselves: (2) is very pretty and (3) is a wonderful human is -- Sandra Bullock. Everyone adores her. And she is actually very pretty. But look at her private life. She did get married (to a loser who wanted her money) but I see an amazing woman there who isn't "attractive" in the Angelina Jolie motif. Sandy is funny and pal like and she is also all alone. Kenau Reeves thinks she is great but not enough to date. George Clooney thinks she is great but he marries some Angelina Jolie type do gooder lawyer.

Also, my favorite character "Daria" said in the first episode of the series that she had good self esteem, it was esteem for others that she lacked. That is me. Though even Daria got a boyfriend.

I have often wondered if there is some sort of act that 99% of us were taught as children by our parents that gets people attracted to you that people with this problem just didn't learn. Like we express the message to people that if you don't want to date us, that is ok, where others send the message like, if you don't want to date us you are a fool.

But one more point TB, and I apologize if you have mentioned this, but have you tried? Gone to events and such? It is impossible to ask people out in the workplace even if you are interested.

Do you mean the staff ?

There are single women, quite a few. I do enjoy live music but don't have anybody to go with. I doubt very much any of them would though. It's the embarrassment of going anywhere with me.

---

I had a problem with slouching as well. It was probably a self-esteem thing, but also because I tended to carry everything with me in school which weighed me down and became habit.

The thing is, there is a correct posture, and it's not slouching. Stand up straight, shoulders back, head held high and don't look down - this is ideal. Don't think of it as "strutting" if that bothers you - I don't go for the whole braggadocio thing either. But you might as well do what gets the results you want, and besides, you can breathe deeper when you stand up straight versus when you slouch, which may help you feel better, feel more energy. And it might help the tone of your voice as well, if you feel that is an issue. I notice for example, sometimes I'll have some music on and be slouched in my chair, and I'll try to sing along but fail. I think it's because I'm slouched and can't draw in big breaths.

Also the looks thing - you might be one small fix away. I was watching a Tony Robbins video clip the other day and it talked about how the difference between success and failure can often be as small as one millimeter. What if it was just one small thing you were doing wrong, or one small thing you weren't doing that would help you? I know I feel much, much better about my looks after I shave and get a haircut that compliments the shape of my head. I was getting the wrong haircut for years and then thinking I was just ugly, but I think I finally figured it out.

Another bad habit is complaining. I have to watch myself here, very very closely, but I was a complainer for years and of course it drove women away and pretty much soured my relationships with anyone, family friends etc. all across the board. One thing I try to consciously do is avoid things that get me into a complaining binge - the news and politics for example. I try to completely avoid it. I can't complain about it if I don't know about it.

Anyway. I believe you, Bogey, can find someone. Probably a lot easier than I can. You articulate your thoughts well, you have a sense of humor, you seem like a good guy, you have hobbies that you are good at, you have enough physical and mental functionality that that can't hold you back. You're all right.

Thank you.

I had a meeting with the manager on Friday and the subject of my speaking voice came up. A mystery shopper had said I have a 'flat sounding voice' - so I lost marks and didn't get a pass. The boss said I should talk different, more cheerily. I told him I do, to my ears I talk really upbeat. I don't do it on purpose. I told him I had speech therapy as a child and this is the way I talk.

I mentioned it to my Dad and he said I speak really flat and he can't always understand what I say. When I have taped my voice I am amazed how it sounds. So deadpan. I was actually thinking about a voice coach today because it does cause problems at work.

Add that to my miserable looking face then that's my problem. I don't think I am ugly, just average

 

[ringwood]

Argggghhhhhhh!!!! I've said it....how many times now?!! You are so negative towards yourself..

"...Add to that my miserable looking face then that's my problem...."

No, no, no!! That's not the problem. The problem is how you see yourself, and as a reflection of how *you* see yourself, other people around you do too, whether you think so or not. A huge part of communication with others is subconscious, and people pick up subtle clues about each other constantly while talking. You keep saying 'you're perfectly happy' with yourself and your life, yet you keep putting yourself down ALL THE TIME. Why? Because you have trained your brain to think and respond a specific way in response to a specific situation - this happens over many years, probably way back in childhood and it's hard to undo it. It can be done, but the first step is recognizing that negative self-talk the moment you think it, and change it to a positive. It does get easier the more you try it, I highly suggest you try it...

 

[Triple Bogey]

Argggghhhhhhh!!!! I've said it....how many times now?!! You are so negative towards yourself..

"...Add to that my miserable looking face then that's my problem...."

No, no, no!! That's not the problem. The problem is how you see yourself, and as a reflection of how *you* see yourself, other people around you do too, whether you think so or not. A huge part of communication with others is subconscious, and people pick up subtle clues about each other constantly while talking. You keep saying 'you're perfectly happy' with yourself and your life, yet you keep putting yourself down ALL THE TIME. Why? Because you have trained your brain to think and respond a specific way in response to a specific situation - this happens over many years, probably way back in childhood and it's hard to undo it. It can be done, but the first step is recognizing that negative self-talk the moment you think it, and change it to a positive. It does get easier the more you try it, I highly suggest you try it...

Yes true but this is a place for lonely people were we discuss our worries and problems. So most of the stuff we write about is going to be negative. I do write stuff about my photo's and my golf game as well.

Enough people have told me to 'cheer up' when I have been in a perfectly happy mood to know my face sort of defaults into a frown. And I see it when I look in the mirror. Even though having that only matters for 'first impressions' - women who know me should realize what a nice chap I am ! And I smile and laugh as much as everybody else !

 

[TheSkaFish]

Have you ever invited a girl out to go golfing with you, Bogey? It would have the element of a little friendly competition, and the two of you could just enjoy a nice day out there together, the weather, the scenery, and so on. If golf were one of my hobbies, that would sound wonderful to me.

 

[Triple Bogey]

Have you ever invited a girl out to go golfing with you, Bogey? It would have the element of a little friendly competition, and the two of you could just enjoy a nice day out there together, the weather, the scenery, and so on. If golf were one of my hobbies, that would sound wonderful to me.

A few years back this woman wanted to be my caddy. But she soon lost interest. Yes it does sound nice. My brother has just started playing golf and his girlfriend plays too. I know at least 3 women who play golf but they all have their own golf partners or husbands.

 

[Batman55]

Argggghhhhhhh!!!! I've said it....how many times now?!! You are so negative towards yourself..

"...Add to that my miserable looking face then that's my problem...."

No, no, no!! That's not the problem. The problem is how you see yourself, and as a reflection of how *you* see yourself, other people around you do too, whether you think so or not. A huge part of communication with others is subconscious, and people pick up subtle clues about each other constantly while talking. You keep saying 'you're perfectly happy' with yourself and your life, yet you keep putting yourself down ALL THE TIME. Why? Because you have trained your brain to think and respond a specific way in response to a specific situation - this happens over many years, probably way back in childhood and it's hard to undo it. It can be done, but the first step is recognizing that negative self-talk the moment you think it, and change it to a positive. It does get easier the more you try it, I highly suggest you try it...

For TB.. seems you disagree with what I said, and also this part written above by ringwood.

But now count how many of us are pointing out this "persistent negative self-image" problem... me, ringwood, Callie, WWC, and I'm sure others as well. I can't claim that any one of us is correct about this being your main problem, as we only know you from this forum, but at this point I think it's worth your time examining it, at least. I hope you won't be offended by this, it's not my intention.

 

[Triple Bogey]

Argggghhhhhhh!!!! I've said it....how many times now?!! You are so negative towards yourself..

"...Add to that my miserable looking face then that's my problem...."

No, no, no!! That's not the problem. The problem is how you see yourself, and as a reflection of how *you* see yourself, other people around you do too, whether you think so or not. A huge part of communication with others is subconscious, and people pick up subtle clues about each other constantly while talking. You keep saying 'you're perfectly happy' with yourself and your life, yet you keep putting yourself down ALL THE TIME. Why? Because you have trained your brain to think and respond a specific way in response to a specific situation - this happens over many years, probably way back in childhood and it's hard to undo it. It can be done, but the first step is recognizing that negative self-talk the moment you think it, and change it to a positive. It does get easier the more you try it, I highly suggest you try it...

For TB.. seems you disagree with what I said, and also this part written above by ringwood.

But now count how many of us are pointing out this "persistent negative self-image" problem... me, ringwood, Callie, WWC, and I'm sure others as well. I can't claim that any one of us is correct about this being your main problem, as we only know you from this forum, but at this point I think it's worth your time examining it, at least. I hope you won't be offended by this, it's not my intention.

Plenty of people have a 'persistent negative self image' on here. Far worse than me. Some say they don't want to live anymore. Some talk about going into therapy.

I like Ringwood and yourself. Callie and WWC not so much. I have seen this all before on forums, people coming out with all the old clichés. Possibly true with some people, not me. I could write the most happiest post and some people would either argue with it or tell me not to complain. I write jokes, people think I am been serious. Some people are just argumentative. I can't win.