Bender's Journal: Part 2

[bender22]

I planned another date with the girl from my previous post for this weekend. And I wasn't intending on going on any other dates for the week. But one girl I was talking to on Hinge seemed very keen to meet so I ended up meeting up with her last night.

It was an interesting one - we had pretty good conversation, we kissed, held hands.. She probably would've come home with me if I'd suggested it. She told me she had a great time and would love to see me again.

But I didn't feel like I did anything very special. I don't think I made any major mistakes either. It was just fairly solid conversation, good body language and leading the date. I also think part of it was that she just came into the date already liking me - perhaps she just liked my look or the way I spoke on Hinge. And I would've had to make a big mistake to change that.

The conversation was fairly good and I had a good time but I didn't feel the same spark as I have with the other girl I've been mentioned in the last few posts.

One key difference I noticed between the two is eye contact. The girl from last night could hold eye contact for a short time but then she'd look away for a long time. While the other girl holds eye contact really well. When you're both able to hold good eye contact it makes it so much easier to connect.

 

[TropicalStarfish]

I planned another date with the girl from my previous post for this weekend. And I wasn't intending on going on any other dates for the week. But one girl I was talking to on Hinge seemed very keen to meet so I ended up meeting up with her last night.

It was an interesting one - we had pretty good conversation, we kissed, held hands.. She probably would've come home with me if I'd suggested it. She told me she had a great time and would love to see me again.

But I didn't feel like I did anything very special. I don't think I made any major mistakes either. It was just fairly solid conversation, good body language and leading the date. I also think part of it was that she just came into the date already liking me - perhaps she just liked my look or the way I spoke on Hinge. And I would've had to make a big mistake to change that.

The conversation was fairly good and I had a good time but I didn't feel the same spark as I have with the other girl I've been mentioned in the last few posts.

One key difference I noticed between the two is eye contact. The girl from last night could hold eye contact for a short time but then she'd look away for a long time. While the other girl holds eye contact really well. When you're both able to hold good eye contact it makes it so much easier to connect.

Sounds like she genuinely likes you; wife her up, chop chop

 

[BeyondShy]

It’s late December so that means I am back again Mr. Bender and I have to say that as I played catch-up with what you did in 2022 I am again very happy for you and I wish you continued success.

Reminds me of this beautiful Polynesian girl I was talking to. We got along well. Everything was going great and then I woke up - my alarm went off.

I am very happy for you!

 

[bender22]

Thanks BeyondShy!

 

[bender22]

Sounds like she genuinely likes you; wife her up, chop chop

Haha well I don't know about that! But we did have another date on Friday night. I actually enjoyed her company a lot more on this second date than I did on the first. This time she came straight to my place which made things easier as well.

One thing she said to me later in the night was that I make her feel like she's the only person in the room, which no guy has done before.

I remember once watching a video about Bill Clinton's charisma. And the one thing that stood out to me was that others would say that Clinton had this ability to make them feel like they were the only person in the room when he spoke to them. I always thought it would be nice to have that affect on people. So I was really happy to hear that from her.

I also had another date with the other girl I've been talking about in my last few posts. That one also went very well.

I'm now back in my hometown for Christmas and went out last night with my old wingman (Paul) and another guy called Max. I firstly met with Paul and then we went to find Max who was already talking to two girls near the bar.

Paul and I started talking to the two girls with Max. At first I was happy for the other guys to go for these girls because they weren't so much my type. But then I could see that the more attractive one out of the two girls definitely wasn't interested in the other guys but was showing clear signs of attraction towards me.

We ended up inviting these girls to come to a few other bars with us. As the night went on, I continued to talk to both girls particularly the more attractive one. She actually asked for my Instagram and suggested that we meet up in the next few days. Later on I was able to get her on her own, while the friend was talking to Paul and some other people. This gave me an opportunity to kiss her and make out.

This was the first time in a long time that I'd been out talking to women at bars so I was happy for one of my interactions to go this well.

It's pretty remarkable the difference between the second half of 2022 and the first half of the year (in terms of dating). If you read back over my posts from the first half of the year, it was pretty lacklustre...

I didn't go on a lot of dates and the ones I did go on weren't leading to anything. I couldn't even get a kiss. I couldn't get any second dates either. It was probably one of the worst 6 month periods I've had in my dating life for a long time.

But the second half of 2022 has probably been one of the best six months periods i've ever had in my dating life. I've been on dates with more women, more attractive women, had more ***, more second and third dates.

I might write another post later on going into more detail on why I've done so much better in this second half of the year.

 

[bender22]

Date last night

I've been getting some matches on the online dating apps since I've been back in my home town. But haven't been terribly motivated to meet up with them since I'll be going back soon. But I decided to meet up with one of my matches last night.

We were originally going to meet up the previous night. But I just didn't feel like it and cancelled and asked to reschedule to the following night. Fortunately, I was a lot more excited about going on a date that next day.

I mention this because I think it is something to be mindful of. For me especially, there are some days where I really don't feel like being social and going on dates. I just want time to myself. But other days I really do crave that social interaction, particularly if it's with an attractive woman.

My dates are probably going to go a lot better on those days when I do want that social interaction. Last night's date went really well. I'll never know, but I'd imagine if I'd stuck to the original plan and met up with her the night before, it probably wouldn't have gone as well.

This girl turned out to be a lot more attractive in person than in her photos which is always a pleasant surprise. First 5 minutes of the date were ok but a little dry. But then after that it quickly improved.

Besides being physically attractive, I found her mannerisms and the way she spoke and flirted very attractive. And when I find myself attracted to the girl sitting across from me like that, it seems to bring out some of the best sides of my personality.

After having a drink in the bar, we went for a walk by the beach. We sat down overlooking the beach and I took the opportunity to kiss her. Unlike many other dates, I didn't waste too much time getting to the kiss. We then went on a ride in the ferris wheel nearby and made out in there.

Overall a really enjoyable date. I might try to see her again before I leave town.

As I mentioned in my previous post, it really is amazing how much my dates have improved since the first half of the year. I think almost every date I've been on in the last 3-4 months has ended in a kiss at the very least and the girl wanting to see me again.

I think there are probably a number of factors that have resulted in this improvement...

Firstly, I've put a lot greater focus on dating in the second half of the year than I did earlier in the year. I've also been on a lot more dates in this second half of the year. Like with playing a sport, you're usually going to play better when you're getting more practice. And then if you have a few dates that go well, it starts to build momentum.

I've also been watching a youtube channel that does these live speed dates. Viewers can get on the stream and do a 5 minute date with the girl on that stream.

It's really fascinating to watch and I think I've learned a lot from watching how the women on these dates respond to the guys. What they respond favorably to and what they don't respond as favorably to.

Some of the dates are hard to watch because the guys are so cringey but even those ones, there is always something to learn from it.

It's hard to say how much watching those dates has contributed to the dating success I've had recently but I feel it's definitely played a role. The channel is called playing with fire if anyone reading this wants to have a look at these speed dates.

 

[bender22]

New Years Eve

I made plans with the girl from my last post on new years eve. This was really my last chance to see her before I went home.

We watched the fireworks together at midnight and had a midnight kiss. The overall vibe was great again, just like on the first date. It all felt very natural, with a really good level of sexual tension. With her being quite flirty herself, it made it a lot easier for me to build up the sexual tension.

I suggested that after the fireworks we go back to her apartment for a drink to celebrate the new year, which she gladly agreed to.

When we were going back to her place, we got caught in really heavy traffic - everyone leaving the area after the fireworks. It must have taken about an hour to get back to hers....

Sometimes I'd panic a bit in a situation like this..worrying that I'd have to keep her interested for all that time or she'd lose interest. But this time it was fine. I knew she already liked me and I knew that I could hold enough conversation with her to avoid any awkwardness.

I ended up spending the night there and we had a great time. It was a very good start to 2023.

It's definitely a shame that she's in another city to me because we did seem to connect really well. These two dates I had with her were probably two of my favourite dates I had all year.

I'm trying to think why it just 'clicked' so well with this girl. Even compared to some of my other recent dates that seemed to go very well, there was just more chemistry with this one.

I think part of it is somewhat out of your control. There are certain people who you're just naturally going to click with better than others.

It also depends largely on the other person that you're with. If they lack basic social skills, are extremely shy or in a bad mood then it's almost impossible to have that level of connection with them.

The way that this particular girl interacted with me was a big part of the reason why we did connect as well as we did.

While it is largely out of your control, how the other person interacts with you, I guess there are some things you can do to influence this...

Like making them feel comfortable, establishing a more sexual/flirtatious vibe yourself so they feel like they can reciprocate that vibe.

I'll try to reflect more on this in my next post because I think it's an important point.

I have also had another two dates since I got back home so I'll discuss those ones in my next post too.

Happy new year everyone!

 

[bender22]

First Date Of The New Year

I'd made plans with the girl from my December 10th post to come over when I got home from my Christmas trip. As TropicalStarfish said..this girl does seem to genuinely like me.

She came straight over to my place and we spent the night together.

It's good with I'm her when we're together, we have a good time. But when we're not together, she's been absolutely blowing up my phone with texts, which is getting annoying. In all the time I've been doing this, I've never had someone send me so many texts after just 2 or 3 dates.

Not sure how I should proceed with her at the moment. She is attractive and overall seems like a good person. But it feels like she's trying to move things toward a relationship (and quickly). She's previously been in two 7 year relationships, so she's definitely a 'relationship' type of girl. I don't really want to throw it away with her just yet because there is enough chemistry between us for it to have potential. And it's nice in a way to feel very desired by someone like this.

But I really don't want to be rushed into a relationship. And I don't feel like the connection is strong enough. We don't click in the same way that I did with the girl I spent new years eve with.

Date #2

This was a new girl from Tinder. We'd matched before I went home for Christmas. This girl is very much my type physically...dark long hair, darkish skin, good body, nice eyes. I'd consider her one of the best looking girls I've ever been on a date with.

Because I went away after we matched, I had to make sure I kept in contact while I was away (but without sounding needy), otherwise it would've been easy for her to forget about me. I was able to do that by sending her a few texts every 3-4 days.

By the time I got back, she was still interested in meeting up so we made plans to get drinks at the bar.

At the start of the date, I think I was feeling a little nervous because I found her so attractive. She looked great in person too, not just in her photos. But it's unusual for me to get nervous at all on dates.

Luckily the nerves subsided fairly quickly. She'd got to the bar before me and already grabbed a table inside, which was louder than the outside area. Maybe I should have suggested going outside because as I've mentioned previously, I do better when there's not much noise around.

I think overall I did pretty well. A lot of the things that have been working for me on other dates recently, I was able to apply.

I remember on my date the previous week that went really well, the girl was really leaning in towards me more as the date went on. I noticed this girl doing the same thing, which I think is a good sign.

One thing I could have done better is leading the conversation more. There were a few times where it felt she was the one leading the conversation and asking me questions. This would be okay if she was just asking these questions because she was genuinely interested. But if she was doing it because she felt like she needed to carry the conversation, that wouldn't be so good.

As I've mentioned in many of my date posts before, I usually try to go for a walk with the girl on a date. But unfortunately, it was raining outside for most of this date so we were stuck inside the bar.

Eventually, the rain did clear but by that point it was already getting late. After a short walk it started to rain again so we called it a night. Because we had such little time outside, I didn't get a chance to kiss her. Which is a shame because I think it definitely increases your chances of seeing a girl again if you can at least kiss her on the first date.

Next Weekend

I've stayed in touch with the girl from my December 18 post who I met while I was out at a bar in my hometown. She's actually going to come up from another city to visit me next weekend. Funny that early 2022, I was struggling to get girls from the same city to visit me. Now they're coming from other cities lol.

 

[bender22]

Since my last post...

I've been spending more time with the girl from date #1 in my previous post. I wasn't sure about her at first but she's definitely growing on me.

I was back in my hometown again last weekend and caught up with the girl who I spent new years eve with. Shame we're in different cities because I do connect really well with her.

And as mentioned in my previous post, the girl from my December 18th post who I met at a bar in my hometown came up to visit me for a weekend....

That was an interesting weekend. She stayed Friday and Saturday night at my place. But I honestly regretted agreeing to her come up.

She wasn't my type either physically or personality wise. It's not that I had a really bad time with her but I just wasn't feeling any connection and I would've preferred to spend that time with the girl mentioned at the beginning of this post.

But spending a full weekend with someone who I wasn't really into did teach me a few things. It made me realize that it's really important for me to actually respect a woman. It's very hard for me to really like someone if I don't respect them.

Things that make me gain respect for a woman (or even people in general) - healthy lifestyle, intelligence, ability to think independently, motivation, positive outlook on life.

Things that make me lose respect for a woman - unhealthy lifestyle, laziness, apathy, lack of intelligence, heavy social media usage, gossiping.

That's not to say I act disrespectfully to any woman. Even if I don't respect their way of life, I still behave very respectfully. But I just lose attraction.

I haven't spent much time on dating apps in recent weeks. Between seeing these other girls, work and travel, I've had barely any time to meet up with anyone else. So I don't have any new dates lined up soon.

 

[bender22]

It's been a while since my last post. Since then, I haven't been seeing any new girls. I've just been continuing to see the same girl I mentioned in my previous post.

That's been going well and we seem to be moving very close to exclusive relationship territory. It is nice to get closer to someone like this again rather than just churning through new girls constantly.

But I'm still undecided as to whether she's right for me as a long term partner. And when I say as a long term partner, I mean someone who I could see myself marrying in the future. At my age now, I wouldn't really want to spend 1-2 years in a relationship with someone who I wouldn't consider to be marriage material.

I am getting along really well with her. She's probably one of the better looking women I have dated for an extended period of time, she's got a good job, she's got a very kind, caring nature.

But my concerns would be that she doesn't take her health and fitness as seriously as I'd like. This is one of the biggest values in my life and it would be nice to have someone who shares this with me.

Also, she's not quite as feminine as I'd like. Which unfortunately is the case with most Aussie girls. But then she does have a more feminine side at times.

Aside from that, I'm going off to Thailand tomorrow. First time outside Australia since the pandemic, which I'm very excited for.

I'm still technically single, I haven't had any discussions about being exclusive with this girl I'm seeing so I'm still planning to try to meet some girls over there. Since Thailand has some of the best nightlife in the world, I'm hoping to get out and do some real life approaching rather than just using the apps. Just hoping I can find the courage to actually approach some people as it's been a long time since I've done that.

It will also be my first time travelling internationally solo. I think this will be a good experience for me because it will hopefully force me to get outside of my comfort zone and meet new people. I've booked some tours while I'm over there, which should be a good opportunity to meet people.

 

[ardour]

But I'm still undecided as to whether she's right for me as a long term partner. And when I say as a long term partner, I mean someone who I could see myself marrying in the future. At my age now, I wouldn't really want to spend 1-2 years in a relationship with someone who I wouldn't consider to be marriage material.

I am getting along really well with her. She's probably one of the better looking women I have dated for an extended period of time, she's got a good job, she's got a very kind, caring nature.

But my concerns would be that she doesn't take her health and fitness as seriously as I'd like. This is one of the biggest values in my life and it would be nice to have someone who shares this with me.

Also, she's not quite as feminine as I'd like. Which unfortunately is the case with most Aussie girls. But then she does have a more feminine side at times.

I mean that's probably a roundabout way of saying you're not attracted to obesity, but I feel this way too, as much as it will have me labeled an arsehole to say it. A lot of white NZ woman my age aren't particularly feminine and behave like dudes. But then a lot of men my age don't take care their health either or do much apart from drinking at bars, so it seems to be a general aging thing in the Anglo countries, giving up on yourself in your 30s (but still expecting willing partners to show up).

...Do you think you're likely to find a genuine connection in Thailand?

 

[bender22]

I mean that's probably a roundabout way of saying you're not attracted to obesity, but I feel this way too, as much as it will have me labeled an arsehole to say it. A lot of white NZ woman my age aren't particularly feminine and behave like dudes. But then a lot of men my age don't take care their health either or do much apart from drinking at bars, so it seems to be a general aging thing in the Anglo countries, giving up on yourself in your 30s (but still expect willing partners to show up).

...Do you think you're likely to find a genuine connection in Thailand?

Yes it's true that I'm not attracted to obese women on a physical level..as most guys aren't. But it goes much deeper than that, which it sounds like is the same for you.

A healthy lifestyle is just something that's so important to me so I want someone who is on the same page with me. I understand why people would want to eat unhealthy foods at times and drink alcohol...I do it myself at times. But if someone doesn't value their own body enough to treat it well (most of the time) then I find it very hard to respect that.

Yep Aussie and NZ women are very similar from my experience. Sadly they have become very masculine..with a few exceptions.

I wouldn't expect to find a genuine connection in the short time I'll be in Thailand.

 

[BeyondShy]

Ah hell, I was hoping for an update from him again when I came back.