Boyfriend told me to go and kill myself

[Badjedidude]

He wanted me to leave so he could "cool off" from his anger, but I don't deal with issues in that way. I like to deal with the problem NOW and TALK about it.

I'm the same way. I like to handle problems IMMEDIATELY... heh humorously enough, one of the problems I had with my ex was that she tried to pretend that fights didn't happen or she tried to just leave and forget things... and that always irked me. I'd seek her out to finish the argument or find common ground and she'd get upset and claim that I was trying to be a parent to her... and ughhhh. What a mess.

We were "in bed", and I wanted him to do me a "favor" (wink wink). He suggested "69" and I refused (don't like that position). Then he started bitching because I didn't want to do something that was "mutually gratifying" and saying that I was being "selfish" (which is not the case, because I was going to do him a "favor" afterward...I don't have a problem with that). Then he went on to complain about how his jaw would hurt blahblahblah and that he already did it earlier that day (I guess there is a limit to once a day?)

Honestly, it could be that he simply isn't a huge fan of giving a woman oral ***. *shrug* Some guys just aren't into it, even if they're willing to do it a few times to give their woman pleasure. I don't see why he'd get so pissy about *** like that, though. I have a pretty strong *** drive and I've never really begged or bitched about not "getting my way" or whatever. And I like pleasing the wimmins. .... but maybe he's not entirely into that? I don't know. You'd know that better than I.

I think it might be good to start seriously considering the relationship; its pros, its cons... and maybe begin to form an idea in your mind of what the relationship is worth and how much of this behavior you can take. Because I PROMISE you, if he gets away with it once, he'll get away with it again in the future.

Alright, now here comes Devil's Advocate:

I'm a hot-head myself sometimes. In the past, during arguments with my ex, I would occasionally say things that I'd regret later, things that hurt her... but did I honestly mean what I was saying? No. It came from anger, that's all. I don't think that your boyfriend LITERALLY wants you to die or slit your wrists... so you shouldn't put much stock in WHAT he said, OK?

It's the anger that you want to get a handle on in this situation. Trust me, guys say all sorts of **** that they don't really mean. Ever see guys working together on a roof or in construction or something? A shift boss may yell at one of his guys: "GET THE **** DOWN FROM THERE, BJD, WHAT THE HELL HAS GOTTEN INTO YOUR MUSH BRAIN THIS TIME? I'M GOING TO COME OVER THERE AND KICK YOUR *** IF YOU DO IT AGAIN!".... does that mean that he hates me or is actually going to assault me if I don't do what he tells me to?

Probably not. Guys often communicate in harsh language, but that doesn't necessarily mean that guys HATE the person they're yelling at. Men yell because it's how we get **** done. Half of the time when I tell any of my guy friends something, there's at least half of an insult thrown in just because... well, because I'm a dude and that's what dudes do, I guess.

I'm sure your boyfriend DOES like you, but he may have been hurt and unable to show it in a "mature" manner. Remember, not all guys have enough sensitivity to react in a calm manner, especially about sexual subjects. It just depends on the person's personality, on his upbringing, and his view of things. So... yeah, think hard about the relationship, but also consider his abilities to communicate and deal with his own feelings while you're running things through your mind.

*hug* I'm sure you'll come to find a way through this. Just give it patience and think things through as level-headedly as possible... and remember, communication is the key. Maybe bringing the issue up now in a gentle way might be able to get through to him... but you're the best judge of that.

Good luck! *HUG*

 

[SullenGirl]

Hi-
So he was mad over oral ***? Then he should have just said "forget it", rolled over and went to sleep. But he chose to escalate into an angry tirade. I don't care if you just told him you ate a baby for breakfast, there's no excuse for his behavior. None whatsoever.
He is taking advantage, whether knowingly or not, of the fact that you feel vulnerable.
The only thing a man like this can do for you is get in the way of you meeting someone who will love and respect you. Don't wait around to see what he is going to do - take control and make a decision for yourself.
Keep us posted-

-Teresa

Thanks so much Teresa for your advice. I don't know why I put up with it...I just don't want to be dumped again. I guess I want to keep him tagging along until I decide eventually to dump HIM. I don't want to be the one getting DUMPED. That feeling is just too horrible.

I don't even know if I can say that I love him anymore after last night. I think you really can fall "out of love". I mean, we've argued before and I still loved him afterward, but last night just struck a chord with me and hurt me so badly...I don't even want to talk to him right now, tomorrow, or the day after that.

I will try to keep this thread updated though, thanks again.

---

He wanted me to leave so he could "cool off" from his anger, but I don't deal with issues in that way. I like to deal with the problem NOW and TALK about it.

I'm the same way. I like to handle problems IMMEDIATELY... heh humorously enough, one of the problems I had with my ex was that she tried to pretend that fights didn't happen or she tried to just leave and forget things... and that always irked me. I'd seek her out to finish the argument or find common ground and she'd get upset and claim that I was trying to be a parent to her... and ughhhh. What a mess.

We were "in bed", and I wanted him to do me a "favor" (wink wink). He suggested "69" and I refused (don't like that position). Then he started bitching because I didn't want to do something that was "mutually gratifying" and saying that I was being "selfish" (which is not the case, because I was going to do him a "favor" afterward...I don't have a problem with that). Then he went on to complain about how his jaw would hurt blahblahblah and that he already did it earlier that day (I guess there is a limit to once a day?)

Honestly, it could be that he simply isn't a huge fan of giving a woman oral ***. *shrug* Some guys just aren't into it, even if they're willing to do it a few times to give their woman pleasure. I don't see why he'd get so pissy about *** like that, though. I have a pretty strong *** drive and I've never really begged or bitched about not "getting my way" or whatever. And I like pleasing the wimmins. .... but maybe he's not entirely into that? I don't know. You'd know that better than I.

I think it might be good to start seriously considering the relationship; its pros, its cons... and maybe begin to form an idea in your mind of what the relationship is worth and how much of this behavior you can take. Because I PROMISE you, if he gets away with it once, he'll get away with it again in the future.

Alright, now here comes Devil's Advocate:

I'm a hot-head myself sometimes. In the past, during arguments with my ex, I would occasionally say things that I'd regret later, things that hurt her... but did I honestly mean what I was saying? No. It came from anger, that's all. I don't think that your boyfriend LITERALLY wants you to die or slit your wrists... so you shouldn't put much stock in WHAT he said, OK?

It's the anger that you want to get a handle on in this situation. Trust me, guys say all sorts of **** that they don't really mean. Ever see guys working together on a roof or in construction or something? A shift boss may yell at one of his guys: "GET THE **** DOWN FROM THERE, BJD, WHAT THE HELL HAS GOTTEN INTO YOUR MUSH BRAIN THIS TIME? I'M GOING TO COME OVER THERE AND KICK YOUR *** IF YOU DO IT AGAIN!".... does that mean that he hates me or is actually going to assault me if I don't do what he tells me to?

Probably not. Guys often communicate in harsh language, but that doesn't necessarily mean that guys HATE the person they're yelling at. Men yell because it's how we get **** done. Half of the time when I tell any of my guy friends something, there's at least half of an insult thrown in just because... well, because I'm a dude and that's what dudes do, I guess.

I'm sure your boyfriend DOES like you, but he may have been hurt and unable to show it in a "mature" manner. Remember, not all guys have enough sensitivity to react in a calm manner, especially about sexual subjects. It just depends on the person's personality, on his upbringing, and his view of things. So... yeah, think hard about the relationship, but also consider his abilities to communicate and deal with his own feelings while you're running things through your mind.

*hug* I'm sure you'll come to find a way through this. Just give it patience and think things through as level-headedly as possible... and remember, communication is the key. Maybe bringing the issue up now in a gentle way might be able to get through to him... but you're the best judge of that.

Good luck! *HUG*

Thanks badjedidude...it's nice to have your perspective on this coming from a guy I guess. It just hurt me so badly that he would actually say that. I still can't get over that...it was so hurtful to hear that from someone I thought I could trust with that information...someone I thought I could open up to. But I'm definitely not going to share that information with anyone else ever again. I've learned my lesson with that. It only gets thrown back in your face or you're called "crazy".

And like you say, I am "considering" whether or not this is even worth it.

 

[Yukhi]

Hi SullenGirl!

Honestly speaking, I'm surprised how calm you're dealing with your situation. Kudos to you!

Whew! I honestly am guilty of expressing insensitivity towards someone in a similar way. I didn't tell the person to go kill herself but rather I said I wouldn't care if she died. Of course I'm changed now and I really wish I'd forget about it but no, it's stuck in the very recesses of my brain.

I was shocked while reading about what happened between you and your bf. Then my mood changed when I read your post explaning the real reason about the blowup. I'm literally giggling like a little girl right now while typing.

Despite that, I still think it was insensitive and he was being a real jerk using your past tendency in hurting yourself and using it to attack you over something as silly as bed positions xD

I'd suggest you not mind him at first unless he apologizes to you and I also mean not greeting him or giving him anything on his birthday.

 

[Badjedidude]

Thanks badjedidude...it's nice to have your perspective on this coming from a guy I guess. It just hurt me so badly that he would actually say that. I still can't get over that...it was so hurtful to hear that from someone I thought I could trust with that information...someone I thought I could open up to. But I'm definitely not going to share that information with anyone else ever again. I've learned my lesson with that. It only gets thrown back in your face or you're called "crazy".

Yeah, it is pretty bad of him to use a personal confidence against you in the heat of anger or whatever. I generally stay away from things like that... history is history, ya know? But he must've hit on that as something he knew would affect you deeply, because for whatever reason, at that time he must've just wanted to hurt you as much as he was hurting or something. *shrug*

By the way, in my above post I wasn't excusing his behavior as simple "guy behavior".... because what he did WAS wrong and not at all mature. I just wanted to maybe add a different perspective to the issue. *shrug*

Also, I don't think you should refuse to ever share that information again. I know that right now it hurts, and you're bruised over it pretty badly... but in the future, well... you never know. Just keep in mind that you may find someone to share the information with that will respect the information, OK? *hug* Just keep hope, I guess is what I'm trying to say.

Again, I wish you luck in finding your path.

 

[lomojojo]

Wow! I am really sorry to hear you are going through this because I´ve read several posts from you talking about your boyfriend and how lost you would feel w/o him
You´ve got quit a response, Sullen Girl all from different perspectives.
Here is what I have to say. I have been in your situation when having arguments with my husband. We have opposite personalities, he doesn´t like dealing with issues and likes to be left alone. I like to deal with stuff right away but when I force him to deal with it he gets really defensive and starts saying hurtful things, but not to the point of telling me to kill my self, and he always apologizes I don´t think he´d evr say something like that. From what I read, I think you guys don´t love eachother enough to stay together. You feel like you need him because you feel you don´t have anything else and he probably is comfortable having you with him but if he loved you enough he wouldn´t have told you the things he did. A psychologist once told me, and I believe it´s absolutely true that we train the people around us how to treat us. If you let this one go, who knows what might happen next. Oh dear I hope you make the right decision whatever this might be.
I send you a big hug

 

[nerdygirl]

To nerdygirl (@ bolded), this is actually what he said to me. I asked him why he wanted me to leave and he told me he needed to cool off, and that by not leaving I was "disrespecting him".

Firstly, I don't see how it's "disrespecting him". Maybe he was being disrespectful to ME and MY feelings by expecting me to get behind the wheel of a car when I am extremely upset. I can't drive when I'm angry (well I can, but recklessly), and he knows that. That's why when we go somewhere together and we don't know where we're going/how to get there, he usually drives because I will most likely get lost and frustrated.

Again, I didn't think that I should have to appease a hot-headed little child who's having a temper tantrum and "leave his house" just because he's getting heated. I just wanted to have a conversation like two adults but apparently that was too much for him.

Yes! Yes, it was too much for him! There's no point in making the snarky comment that, "Apparently that was too much for him" because that's what he told you! In fact, he could make the snarky, "I told you so" comment and be in the right.

Okay. Imagine there's this four year old boy. His mom is shopping. He really needs to pee. He's already told her, but she said to hold it a few more minutes. So now he says it again, with urgency. "Mom, I have to go... NOW!" That kid knows he has to pee, and he knows that he has just enough time to make it to the bathroom before he wets himself.

The mother says, "You're a big boy now. You can hold it. You're going to stay right there while I try on shoes." The boy has an accident, and then the mother rants to everybody she knows about how awful he was.

It's incredibly disrespectful. Your boyfriend was wrong. What he said was wrong. You were wrong, too.

Was the argument stupid? Sure sounds like it. That doesn't really make an impact on this. You're still not comprehending the danger you could have been in. Some people get that mad and become violent. What he said was awful, but at least he didn't hurt you physically. I would have. I would have been angrier than I had been because you'd refused to listen to me and insisted that you knew better than I did about how I felt.

You didn't have to drive home. You could have gone outside and sat in your car for a half hour. You could have taken a short walk. You could have said, "I'm too upset to drive, but I'll go sit by myself in another room and we won't talk for a while." But if somebody who knows his own temper tells you that he needs you to not be there so he can calm down... leave his presence!

(By the way, a great way to react when a child has a temper tantrum? Leave. Tantrums are not as effective when there is nobody around.)

 

[eris]

I just wanted to add one thing that I forgot to mention. I think it was more than just him telling you to kill yourself. He threw the fact that you tried to kill yourself back in your face. You confided in him and he exploited that to hurt you.

And I can't imagine why anyone wouldnt want to give a pretty girl oral twice a day.

 

[Just_Some_Dude]

anger doesn't exist.

anger is an outward expression of two things: hurt and fear.

when those combine, you get anger.

it may be that he is a total *******.

or it may be that he legitimately loves you with a lot of intensity. and something you did, OR something he PERCEIVES you did, called into question your dedication to him, your respect of him, your willingness to please him, to make him happy, etc.

if this is the case, you all need to get to the root of the situation of what is REALLY bothering him, because i guarantee it's not the *******. although that might be the culmination or the symbol of the problem. once you get to the root of the anger (remember, the 'hurt' and 'fear'), then you will need to decide if you all can work through it and if he can be a big boy and not attack you when he feels negatively.

of course, i don't relate at all to being an ******* when i am hurt or fearful.

 

[SophiaGrace]

Be careful that you arent codependant SG. It happens in abusive relationships. That's what makes people cling to them when they'd be better off having a healthier one. Sometimes this form of attachment feels "normal" to a person that doesnt know what a regular relationship feels like.

By the way, if you ever feel like there is a potential to be hurt, then you probably COULD get hurt. It's not just your imagination.

 

[NOAH_FX]

JSD, your wrong dude.. Unless your making a disticion that their is something more than anger... I don't know if this will help the OP (cause if it dosent It dosent matter) but at 20 i was in a bar (sober) i was ordering a beer, and saw a guy next to me back hand his girlfriend accross the face. I don't remember anything until i wake up outside with a fractured skull. The bouncers had to hit me repedadtly until i was unconcious to get me off him... I wasn't hurt, i wasn't scared.. I just have a HUGE problem with people who hurt kid's or women and it triggered me.. It was scary actually.. I wouldn't go to a bar for months... To lose control of yourself to that point is more frightening than i can explain..

But back on topic, after you saying more OP: I think most people here are right, your dealing with someone with an extremly bad temper, and a short fuse... Bad combo.

 

[Pair-O-Dox]

I just wanted to add one thing that I forgot to mention. I think it was more than just him telling you to kill yourself. He threw the fact that you tried to kill yourself back in your face. You confided in him and he exploited that to hurt you.

And I can't imagine why anyone wouldnt want to give a pretty girl oral twice a day.

I'm with Eris on this one.

Noah FX is right about the bad combo too. We both seem to share an understanding on anger, and this one just doesn't seem healthy.

@Noah- I also can be triggered by anyone hurting a woman or child. Thats a BIG no no.

 

[SullenGirl]

I just wanted to add one thing that I forgot to mention. I think it was more than just him telling you to kill yourself. He threw the fact that you tried to kill yourself back in your face. You confided in him and he exploited that to hurt you.

And I can't imagine why anyone wouldnt want to give a pretty girl oral twice a day.

lol!

I don't know if I could ever forgive him for that. :/

To nerdygirl (@ bolded), this is actually what he said to me. I asked him why he wanted me to leave and he told me he needed to cool off, and that by not leaving I was "disrespecting him".

Firstly, I don't see how it's "disrespecting him". Maybe he was being disrespectful to ME and MY feelings by expecting me to get behind the wheel of a car when I am extremely upset. I can't drive when I'm angry (well I can, but recklessly), and he knows that. That's why when we go somewhere together and we don't know where we're going/how to get there, he usually drives because I will most likely get lost and frustrated.

Again, I didn't think that I should have to appease a hot-headed little child who's having a temper tantrum and "leave his house" just because he's getting heated. I just wanted to have a conversation like two adults but apparently that was too much for him.

Yes! Yes, it was too much for him! There's no point in making the snarky comment that, "Apparently that was too much for him" because that's what he told you! In fact, he could make the snarky, "I told you so" comment and be in the right.

Okay. Imagine there's this four year old boy. His mom is shopping. He really needs to pee. He's already told her, but she said to hold it a few more minutes. So now he says it again, with urgency. "Mom, I have to go... NOW!" That kid knows he has to pee, and he knows that he has just enough time to make it to the bathroom before he wets himself.

The mother says, "You're a big boy now. You can hold it. You're going to stay right there while I try on shoes." The boy has an accident, and then the mother rants to everybody she knows about how awful he was.

It's incredibly disrespectful. Your boyfriend was wrong. What he said was wrong. You were wrong, too.

Was the argument stupid? Sure sounds like it. That doesn't really make an impact on this. You're still not comprehending the danger you could have been in. Some people get that mad and become violent. What he said was awful, but at least he didn't hurt you physically. I would have. I would have been angrier than I had been because you'd refused to listen to me and insisted that you knew better than I did about how I felt.

You didn't have to drive home. You could have gone outside and sat in your car for a half hour. You could have taken a short walk. You could have said, "I'm too upset to drive, but I'll go sit by myself in another room and we won't talk for a while." But if somebody who knows his own temper tells you that he needs you to not be there so he can calm down... leave his presence!

(By the way, a great way to react when a child has a temper tantrum? Leave. Tantrums are not as effective when there is nobody around.)

The thing is...I wasn't even "in his face" or being aggressive with him. I was just asking him to calm down so we could talk. So I sat in his room waiting for him to calm down and he kept looking at me saying "WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE?! LEAVE! I DON'T WANT TO SEE YOU ANYMORE!!" I wasn't even bothering him, just sitting and waiting for him to calm down. And believe it or not, I did not hurl any insults toward him in that "argument". The most I said was "you're being a monster right now" because he was.

I think people reading this story have the impression that I was aggressive and in his face and wouldn't leave him alone and poor him, he wanted me to leave so he could "cool off" but I was just continuing to be in his face and argue with him. This is not how it took place at all.

Anyway, thanks to everyone else for your advice.

 

[Danielle]

hi SG,

After reading your post I felt the old familiar feeling of goosebumps tingling. This situation sounds EXACTLY like the relationship i had with my Ex. We were together for 12 years... in the beginning it was great.. i would say the first couple years were awesome with only your typical minor arguments.

Well.... his true colors began to show, and i saw that "look" you mentioned. Then the name calling started, I was called every awful name in the book... he then began raising his hands to me, hitting me, hurting me.

Each time ended with the "I'm sorries" "it will never happen again" "i Love you"... but yet it kept happening. Now, only as ******* would move in with a guy like this... and that's just what I did... it was not a good idea...

It took me another 8-9 years to even realize I was being abused, verbally, mentally and physically...

I say all of this.. because it started with a very similar situation to yours, Sullen Girl. I didn't believe he was capable of behaving that way. The first time I saw this behavior was over *** as well... our situations are eerily similar.

I urge you to think about what you want for your future... Do you want a guy that you know is capable of acting like that out of no where? Do you want to be mistreated this way again? I hate to say it... if you believe that he will not do it again, you are mistaken. If he can do it once, he will do it again.

I hope you are able to find your happiness.. and I hope you make the best decision for you. If you want to talk privately about anything.. if you have any questions.. please feel free to PM.

**hugs to you**

 

[SullenGirl]

hi SG,

After reading your post I felt the old familiar feeling of goosebumps tingling. This situation sounds EXACTLY like the relationship i had with my Ex. We were together for 12 years... in the beginning it was great.. i would say the first couple years were awesome with only your typical minor arguments.

Well.... his true colors began to show, and i saw that "look" you mentioned. Then the name calling started, I was called every awful name in the book... he then began raising his hands to me, hitting me, hurting me.

Each time ended with the "I'm sorries" "it will never happen again" "i Love you"... but yet it kept happening. Now, only as ******* would move in with a guy like this... and that's just what I did... it was not a good idea...

It took me another 8-9 years to even realize I was being abused, verbally, mentally and physically...

I say all of this.. because it started with a very similar situation to yours, Sullen Girl. I didn't believe he was capable of behaving that way. The first time I saw this behavior was over *** as well... our situations are eerily similar.

I urge you to think about what you want for your future... Do you want a guy that you know is capable of acting like that out of no where? Do you want to be mistreated this way again? I hate to say it... if you believe that he will not do it again, you are mistaken. If he can do it once, he will do it again.

I hope you are able to find your happiness.. and I hope you make the best decision for you. If you want to talk privately about anything.. if you have any questions.. please feel free to PM.

**hugs to you**

Thank you so much for that reply...it's weird because you think you really know who someone is..after very close to two years now of dating. I didn't even know who he was that night, he was like a different person.

I am so torn. I really want to leave him and end this all. But then I don't. Because when it's good, it's really good, and we have SO much fun together. He makes me laugh so much. We have so many great memories.

I mean, how do I even work up the courage/strength to end it/leave him? How did you do it?

---

Yea just ditch him for me , you get all the oral you want this way

LOL

 

[Danielle]

hi SG,

After reading your post I felt the old familiar feeling of goosebumps tingling. This situation sounds EXACTLY like the relationship i had with my Ex. We were together for 12 years... in the beginning it was great.. i would say the first couple years were awesome with only your typical minor arguments.

Well.... his true colors began to show, and i saw that "look" you mentioned. Then the name calling started, I was called every awful name in the book... he then began raising his hands to me, hitting me, hurting me.

Each time ended with the "I'm sorries" "it will never happen again" "i Love you"... but yet it kept happening. Now, only as ******* would move in with a guy like this... and that's just what I did... it was not a good idea...

It took me another 8-9 years to even realize I was being abused, verbally, mentally and physically...

I say all of this.. because it started with a very similar situation to yours, Sullen Girl. I didn't believe he was capable of behaving that way. The first time I saw this behavior was over *** as well... our situations are eerily similar.

I urge you to think about what you want for your future... Do you want a guy that you know is capable of acting like that out of no where? Do you want to be mistreated this way again? I hate to say it... if you believe that he will not do it again, you are mistaken. If he can do it once, he will do it again.

I hope you are able to find your happiness.. and I hope you make the best decision for you. If you want to talk privately about anything.. if you have any questions.. please feel free to PM.

**hugs to you**

Thank you so much for that reply...it's weird because you think you really know who someone is..after very close to two years now of dating. I didn't even know who he was that night, he was like a different person.

I am so torn. I really want to leave him and end this all. But then I don't. Because when it's good, it's really good, and we have SO much fun together. He makes me laugh so much.

I mean, how do I even work up the courage/strength to end this all? How did you do it?

---

Yea just ditch him for me , you get all the oral you want this way

LOL

---

Oh SG, it scares me to hear you say "when its good, its really good". I used to say that all the time to my therapist.

I also have a panic disorer and had been in therapy for that, and I would tell her about his behavior and she was the one that pointed out that I was living in abuse. It took me sometime to come to terms with it, and see it for myself. Once i did, I became increasingly distant toward him, which only fueled his rage more. In the end, I had enough, I learned he was cheating on me with someone I thought was a close friend....and his outbursts were awful. I ended up telling him he had to move his stuff out of the apartment in 2 days and be gone. I stayed at a hotel while he did that.

It was hard, because I still loved him even tho he treated me so poorly and it hurt for a long time, but I am so much happier without all the drama and pain.

I wouldn't stick around to "see if he does it again" and then end things. I would stand your ground now and let him know its over before it gets worse.

 

[csmswhs]

i know alot of people who throw that phrase around nonchalently. it pisses me off! try to stay away from people like that if you can. i really hope you will.

btw, i love Fiona Apple

 

[Just_Some_Dude]

JSD, your wrong dude.. Unless your making a disticion that their is something more than anger... I don't know if this will help the OP (cause if it dosent It dosent matter) but at 20 i was in a bar (sober) i was ordering a beer, and saw a guy next to me back hand his girlfriend accross the face. I don't remember anything until i wake up outside with a fractured skull. The bouncers had to hit me repedadtly until i was unconcious to get me off him... I wasn't hurt, i wasn't scared.. I just have a HUGE problem with people who hurt kid's or women and it triggered me.. It was scary actually.. I wouldn't go to a bar for months... To lose control of yourself to that point is more frightening than i can explain..

But back on topic, after you saying more OP: I think most people here are right, your dealing with someone with an extremly bad temper, and a short fuse... Bad combo.

noah,

you make a fair point. and i would even say a correct one. i think i misspoke. there is anger. but a lot of things that 'pass off' as anger are actually something else. i would say from my experiences that MOST of the time, it is not anger that causes us to lash out. it is usually hurt and fear, and usually both combined. take for instance a dog, if pushed into a corner (fear) and poked with a stick (pain), he will lash out in what appears to be anger. but it's not.

after reading your point, i concede that anger is real. but it is not as common of a motivator in lashing out as many might expect. i do remember times when i have been motivated solely by anger to beat someone's ***, on more than one occasion. oh yeah, i know anger. this is coming from someone who used to have blackouts.

i might argue, though, that your situation in the bar wasn't anger. it was instead empathy for that woman and your instinct to be a protector and your tendency toward chivalry, manifested in a display of action. aka - you beat the guy's ***, not because you were mad but because he was asking for it. but were you as 'angry' at him as you were 'concerned' for her? idk.

either way, you have a good point. so i wanted to respond. anger is real. it's just not always the reason behind why we act "angry".

that being said, like i told my story earlier in this thread. i did something very similar to my first love. i lashed out in an unbelievable display of rage and showed a total disregard for her feelings and wellbeing. but i wasn't mad, i was hurt. so i am not saying the original poster in this thread should forgive, forget, or excuse away assholish behavior. i'm just saying sometimes it isn't what it appears.

 

[VanillaCreme]

anger doesn't exist.

anger is an outward expression of two things: hurt and fear.

when those combine, you get anger.

it may be that he is a total *******.

or it may be that he legitimately loves you with a lot of intensity. and something you did, OR something he PERCEIVES you did, called into question your dedication to him, your respect of him, your willingness to please him, to make him happy, etc.

if this is the case, you all need to get to the root of the situation of what is REALLY bothering him, because i guarantee it's not the *******. although that might be the culmination or the symbol of the problem. once you get to the root of the anger (remember, the 'hurt' and 'fear'), then you will need to decide if you all can work through it and if he can be a big boy and not attack you when he feels negatively.

of course, i don't relate at all to being an ******* when i am hurt or fearful.

I wouldn't say anger is composed of only those elements. I have anger towards someone at some points, but it's not because of fear or hurt.

 

[Just_Some_Dude]

anger doesn't exist.

anger is an outward expression of two things: hurt and fear.

when those combine, you get anger.

it may be that he is a total *******.

or it may be that he legitimately loves you with a lot of intensity. and something you did, OR something he PERCEIVES you did, called into question your dedication to him, your respect of him, your willingness to please him, to make him happy, etc.

if this is the case, you all need to get to the root of the situation of what is REALLY bothering him, because i guarantee it's not the *******. although that might be the culmination or the symbol of the problem. once you get to the root of the anger (remember, the 'hurt' and 'fear'), then you will need to decide if you all can work through it and if he can be a big boy and not attack you when he feels negatively.

of course, i don't relate at all to being an ******* when i am hurt or fearful.

I wouldn't say anger is composed of only those elements. I have anger towards someone at some points, but it's not because of fear or hurt.

shoulda read my next post where i expanded on this...

 

[SofiasMami]

Hi-
Have I mentioned yet that there is no excuse for this ********'s behavior?
Anyone who thinks "well why didn't you just leave when he got angry?", try this question: "Why didn't HE just leave when he couldn't control himself anymore?" The situation happened in his house, but so ******* what? He still could have left. He chose not to and made the situation worse. Sorry, this whole scenario smacks of abuse and victim-blaming.
There's another saying - When someone shows you how they really are, believe it the first time. Forget the rationalizing and analyzing - anyone who abuses another person is not qualified to be in a relationship.

Teresa