Completely Alone

[Lost Drifter]

I’ll start this post with a confession of how most people here intimidate me. For all the discussions about feeling lonesome I’m forever envious when I hear talk of spending time with relatives, hanging out with a small group of friends or just having a significant someone in life. It scares me a lot because after a tough week and a hellish evening I realised how completely alone I am in life. I feel like such a lost cause.

My family exist on paper but I’ve long since been written out of their lives. Friends don’t exist, I’ve no childhood contacts and making friends with other adults feels like such an impossible task since social activities where I live consist of getting drunk or high and I don’t do either. I can’t remember the last time I shared a meal, laughed over a joke or expressed an opinion with someone in a social environment. Heck I haven’t celebrated my birthday in near two decades since I’m always on my own.

I try with online friends but I somehow seem to mess things up, I try to show a genuine interest in people but perhaps I ask too many questions and this turns people away. It is hard knowing what to do sometimes. Apart from the loneliness I think I’m fine; I have morals, compassion and still believe I’m one of the good guys out there but for each positive thought there is another cold voice reminding me I have no home to go to or no reason to wake-up. Tonight is a particular nightmare that has sent me to some dark places I thought I had escaped from. I feel broken and torn up inside. I’ve never been one for suicidal thoughts but tonight...well...tonight I’m scared of the thoughts I’m having.

I’m not posting this for sympathy nor do I wish to dismiss the loneliness felt by others. We all suffer with our situations but I’m curious to know if anyone else is truly alone as in having no-one at all to talk to, no family or friends?

 

[annik]

I, I guess, am not. I have people around me. However I don't believe you have to have no one to be alone. I certainly am that. I still live with my parents so technically they are there but I can go days without really having a conversation with them. My mum especially will stand and look me right in the eye and tell me she has nothing to say to me. They both shout at me when I'm upset because I'm disrupting there lives. I just bury all my feelings and smile to them. At least when they are not here I can gently weep all day and feel calm. A sister I have one of them too, she couldn't care less about anything thats important to me. She's become the kind of person I hate. That's the greatest loss. When I was little I had always had someone because I always had her. Now I don't and I'll never get her back.

Apart from that I email my ex. He hardly cares I exist. I get a line here and there. I can tell him I'm depressed, upset. Nothing.

Its my birthday in a week. I know what I'll do. I'll get up when its already dark get dressed and sit online all night. Yes my aunts and uncle's will send cards but I've not seen them in years. I'm the weird girl who never comes to family things. Only remembered twice a year.

I know there's no one I can turn to to do something with my 30th. No one to spend a day out with. I don't matter.

Yes maybe I have people and I'm like those mentioned in this thread but I still know all about isolation and being alone.

Its the trouble with being forgetable.

 

[Hoffy]

I don't know what it's like to be truly alone. I wanted to respond to this several times, but decided maybe I shouldn't because I have never been in the situation you are in. Something pulls at me though in your words. Honestly, while reading I started crying. I'm sorry you have been through what you have and that tonight is especially difficult. It pains me to see so many beautiful people going through stuff like this. None of this probably makes sense. I just wanted to say, I may not know what it's like, but I know what pain is, and the horrible thoughts it can make you have. I just wanted to extend my hand out to you and I hope it all gets better soon.

 

[Ak5]

I can sort of relate, except I'm a younger version lol. The only people I have for social contact is my family; and lets say I would be happier with younger people to talk to, people my age; those who understand things that 16-year olds talk about. I would just love that, "Hey, heard about....." "Hey, want to....." "Dude! Yeah that's funny.". I want someone face-to-face (I only talk to people in this Forum).

It's hard Lost Drifter, if I feel bad and I have a family and I'm still young, I'm sure you must feel worse.

There you have it, my part.

 

[Mikey193]

I can sort of relate, except I'm a younger version lol. The only people I have for social contact is my family; and lets say I would be happier with younger people to talk to, people my age; those who understand things that 16-year olds talk about. I would just love that, "Hey, heard about....." "Hey, want to....." "Dude! Yeah that's funny.". I want someone face-to-face (I only talk to people in this Forum).

It's hard Lost Drifter, if I feel bad and I have a family and I'm still young, I'm sure you must feel worse.

There you have it, my part.

Hey if it makes you feel better. Im in your age if you ever wanna talk just hit me up

 

[beans]

Apart from the loneliness I think I’m fine; I have morals, compassion and still believe I’m one of the good guys out there but for each positive thought there is another cold voice reminding me I have no home to go to or no reason to wake-up.

Yep. This pretty much explains how I feel.

 

[Tiina63]

Hi lost drifter. I am so sorry that you are feeling so low. It is good that you have come here to write about it as although it isn't as satisfying as having someone there next to you, at least it is better than keeping it all inside.
I know what it is like to be completely alone. I have no family at all and although I do have some friends, I don't feel really close to them because it is impossible to share my real thoughts and feelings with them a lot of the time, so I feel lonely when I am with them, too.

 

[Fitz]

I hate to say it like this Drifter, in this way, it sounds so insincere because I don't even know you, but I'm so sorry for how you're feeling. And I wish I could convey that I really mean it, but I can't, because of the impersonal way I'm communicating with you. I really do wish I could say it in person, because any other way isn't good enough. And from the bottom of my heart I wish I could tell you everything is going be okay. But I can't bring myself to do that, not like this. You really are one of the good guys, and it's a travesty that you feel this way. You don't deserve this. You deserve so much more.

I've read a good deal of what you've posted here, the fragments of your life you've decided to share. You're my favourite person on this forum. I know my idea of who you are is based solely on the stories you've told, but you seem like a genuinely good person. You're the kind of person I want to be. The story about the funeral killed me, it really did. It kills me to see how vulnerable you seem in this post. It's the most raw I've read of yours. You sound wounded, and I wish I could help you.

I see your signature is from the show Firefly, one of my favourite shows ever. You're like Mal, and I feel like Shepard Book trying to get through to you, but in the end I'm only preaching. My words are empty, because I don't know what I'm trying to say here. I'm trying to console you, or make you feel better, but what can I do? I hope that things get better, because you deserve it, you're a good person.

And reading back on what I'm saying, I feel sick. I'm not getting across what I'm trying to say. I'm not trying to tell you what to do, because I don't know anything to tell. I don't want to go on a rant about myself, what would that accomplish? Most of the responses here seem to be trying to relate in some way, to draw parallels between their own life and yours. We're all lonely, that much is certain, but to different degrees, some more extreme than others. Everyone struggles, some more so than others. In the end, there's not a whole lot we can do for eachother, other than once in a while make someone, anyone feel a little bit better about themselves.

Look, I hate to say I know how you feel, because I don't, but I understand the pain you're going through, whatever that means.
I know you feel you're all alone, like there's no one out there. But that can't be the case. It just can't be. I feel lost and alone too, but I have to believe that something, someone is out there, I have to believe that. If you give up, and go down that road, it's hard to come back, and it's a path you don't want to follow. Despair lies that way, nothing more, and it will swallow you whole if you let it. Just keep going, persevere, and keep being the good person you are. In my experience, the best things come from nowhere.

 

[triilsk]

I’m not posting this for sympathy nor do I wish to dismiss the loneliness felt by others. We all suffer with our situations but I’m curious to know if anyone else is truly alone as in having no-one at all to talk to, no family or friends?

Yes I'm alone no family and real friends if that counts. I'm curious if you are doing something about it, surely there must be something you can do?

 

[Lonesome Crow]

The longest i live alone was 1 month tops.
Even then my gf at the time came for booty calls.
We were having break up sex or make up sex...
I dontr really know. Cusse she was there
Every freaken night after a week...
We were saperated
MY parents live in a nearby nighbour hood.
My mom would visit.
Friends would also come and visit.....
Poeple were callimg ne.

I was in a funk of some sort.
I felt alone...alone...alone.
It didnt matter whether poeple understood
me or not. My gf at the time was driving
Fucken nuts.
I think it was also a combination that
I had always lived with someone all the time.
I kind da had a sort of knee jerk reactions to
The changes.

---

Of course going through relationship sslaration nade
Me deoressed as fresia....
So i started drinking heaily....whuch made me
Feel more lonely and delressed...
But i wasnt bome much.
I only came home to sleep or meet my GF.
I dreaded sleeping in the bed alone.
If you sleep with someone for decades...
Youll go through withdraws..
So i slept on the couch to make me feel
kess lonely.or drink until i pass out.

 

[fulla]

Really I am so sorry for you

when I am read your feelings , I feel so upset for you

You are like my friend and if you want to become friend with me, I dont have any problem

Please take care for yourself and dont think about the suicide

when you be Okey please talk with me, I am waiting

 

[Sci-Fi]

How you feel LD is why I try to keep myself active on forums with people I can relate to, even if it is just from behind a computer screen.

 

[HappyYogi]

Lost Drifter~ Currently I have a bf so I am not completely alone. I also have one or two real friends (but they aren't always available).

Having said that I know your pain. My family of origin has left me out and since my mother died it has become apparent how they really feel about me. This has brought me a lot of sadness, confusion, stress. I tried so hard but no matter what I did I was not good enough to be valued.

And I've been single many many years and understand the loneliness, I do.

Lost...to me you seem wonderful. I love the way you write. You come across as very intelligent and sensitive (things I LOVE in men). I wish you could feel more valued because you ARE of value. I can tell. I feel sad when I hear how lonely you are. I feel sad because you seem like such a good person who should not be alone.

I think for you it's location. I am guessing you are in an area where you are not a good fit culturally and that would make anyone lonely. You need to meet more intelligent, sensitive people...they are not easy to find! But they are out there.

Please value yourself. Even if at the moment it appears no one values you, it does NOT mean you don't have value! You do have value. You do matter. Hey, I love your posts. You give value to us, no?

Please take care and keep writing.

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

I typically have no one to turn to in my offline life, to ask questions.

So I turn to online, and join forums like this. I don't feel alone, in the sense that I am with people who are also trying to cope with being lonely - but it is kind of lonely, just having the computer for company.

 

[fox]

I am not completely alone now, i have one person, it does not seem much to most people but a huge difference to completely alone.
The experience of completely alone.. I do know it, but i suppose not so long, near a year it was. No family, no friends, no job(and so no coworkers), no neighbors because i did not have a place to live, of course no internet access.. I saw many people walk by each day, however they ignored me like i did not exist, maybe lonelier than to live some place with no other people at all that was, I think.

I can not imagine, to have that experience again. And it is horror to think so many people live it, day in and day out, for years..

 

[HappyYogi]

Lost Drifter...PLEASE KEEP ON!!! Please don't give up this fight! I like you. I am sure others here like you. Maybe make a list of how you can interact with people more? That is what I am doing, trying to put myself into situations where I feel less isolated. You have value, you matter. Your life has a purpose, it does. You seem like a sensitive intelligent person to me, something the world is lacking. We need people like you! Sit and think of your purpose. I KNOW you have one. Maybe that purpose is to learn to connect more, to love yourself more and to realize you have value.

 

[Sleeper]

I can relate, not completely but still..

I got no real friends. I got no love. My family ignores me except my parents because obviously i live with them but they dont care either, they never showed me love.

I often ask myself what is my purpose in life ?

{sry for my english}

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

Welcome to the forum, Sleeper!

 

[ronery]

I know that feel,I've lived with my grandparents in a rural area for the last 8 years. A boring place that slowly cages you, so that if you ever leave you will have no idea how to relate with others. It is a total trap. I'm in the same boat as you I have no other family/friends.

 

[bohemian]

I've lived alone for almost 20 yrs in Australia after leaving New Zealand when my marriage broke down. I haven't worked in over a decade. I have no friends, no social network at all.

Every year or so, I spend a few weeks in NZ, catching up with my daughters, grandaughter, my cousin and his partner, and mys lifelong best friend's sister (he commited suicide in 08, financial, health and relationship issues).

So apart from those trips and a few phone calls throughout the year, I have no real human contact with anyone aside from the odd 'hello' in the street or at the shops.

My life today is now so very unrecognisable from what it was when I was young and single. Sometimes i wonder why I get up each day, why i go on in what seems at times like a living hell. but the odd thing is I actually appreciate being alive and while I can feel lonely and empty at times, I also enjoy my own space. I've become accustomed to living alone and don't mind it at all really. It does have its pluses. I just miss having friends, workmates, someone special, that kind of thing.