Conversations

[ilios]

Hello again.

I have been without internet for quite some time and during my absence here i have experienced new encounters in the real world and thoughts i feel like sharing.

Im an avid illegal club visitor and i do enjoy it, but usually when im there i feel empty and weird and cant really put my finger on why. Im not really what you would call a "true outsider" because seemingly im always with the crowd, always someone talking to me, but i would consider myself to be an outsider. Not because of physical loneliness but mental, even in conversations i can feel left out and alone.

Back to the illegal club, i mentioned it because i honestly get a lot of thinking done when im at clubs, usually when i dance. This last time felt different though, I was listening to people having conversations in the smoking area and realised that one part of my lonelyness is because i generally don't have a lot in common with people, atleast nothing they ever show me. I stood there and listened to the guys discuss the drugs they had taken that night and the girls discussing cute boys and themselves and a part of me woke up, and thought to itself; this is nothing i WANT to talk about.

I have come to terms with my "social problems" and I have realised that in general i dont like many people, i find them dull and that their lives are clouded with a purpose that i cant relate to. I have also thought about the fact that im always finding "faults" in people, and i often find myself watching and analyzing every flaw of them that i despise almost with an obsession. I seem to find other people disgusting, i can watch parts of people considered to be beautiful and graceful and find it to look like a really bad piece of art hung in a lovely frame.

Maybe i am harsh in my words, but there is no other ways of expressing how i feel so please excuse me.

Well. so. yeah. theese last couple of days i have read about three books, one of them was sartres "the wall" and it made me think of his book "nausea" that he wrote (i think the swedish title is better, it translates to "disgust") and how he described the feeling towards the other ones, the mass and how they all disgusted him and how he himself disgusted him.
I guess you could say that it inspired me somehow, maybe because i could relate to it.

Im rambling, i can tell because i cant really remember what i have written and i havent slept at all this night so excuse me, i think i have a point somewhere but i guess its hidden, like in poetry.

I think that what i am trying to say is that, maybe there isnt something wrong with myself, but with the other people? Is it really my fault for not wanting to discuss trivialities such as drugs, hair and what to wear? is it really that wrong for feeling a need for a conversation with substance?

I think not.

Ill leave you with a quote that haunts me til today:

“Wise men speak because they have something to say;
Fools because they have to say something.”

 

[TheHydromancer]

I can to an extent relate to what you're implying here. Sometimes when I am in a classroom I tune in to other people's conversations, wanting to perhaps join in but finding that the topic(s) they are discussing is either disgusting, uninteresting or out of my depth.
There's nothing wrong with you. It's the enviroment that you're in that's wrong for you. You just need to find the right place with the right people.

Unfortunately that's easier said than done...

 

[9006]

I stood there and listened to the guys discuss the drugs they had taken that night and the girls discussing cute boys and themselves and a part of me woke up, and thought to itself; this is nothing i WANT to talk about.

I have come to terms with my "social problems" and I have realised that in general i dont like many people, i find them dull and that their lives are clouded with a purpose that i cant relate to. I have also thought about the fact that im always finding "faults" in people, and i often find myself watching and analyzing every flaw of them that i despise almost with an obsession. I seem to find other people disgusting, i can watch parts of people considered to be beautiful and graceful and find it to look like a really bad piece of art hung in a lovely frame.

I'm exactly the same.

 

[ilios]

I can to an extent relate to what you're implying here. Sometimes when I am in a classroom I tune in to other people's conversations, wanting to perhaps join in but finding that the topic(s) they are discussing is either disgusting, uninteresting or out of my depth.
There's nothing wrong with you. It's the enviroment that you're in that's wrong for you. You just need to find the right place with the right people.

Unfortunately that's easier said than done...

Its interesting tho, that something that shares so many qualities can be so different from you.

I think i hate the most of my "friends" and their shallow priorities and inability to percieve the bigger picture. My female friends bore me until physical pain talking about small things like how ugly other people are, and how hot they are. I have distanced myself from them (unknowingly before, but now i understand) in fear of becoming like them, a mindless shell focusing on making their outsides represent what their brain cannot. I despise that they are so reluctant to question things if its not related to physical appearance.

A lot of our worries are so trivial, things like spinache between the teeth can ruin someones day, i hate it, its weak.

our bodies are so frail and weak compared to our mental state and i guess the frailness of bodies disgust me in a way too, but our mental state is becoming blunt and stupid. I think that is what bothers me, the fact that we walk around believing that we know so much when we really know so little.

I wish i was a plant so i wouldnt have to feel so rootless

---

I stood there and listened to the guys discuss the drugs they had taken that night and the girls discussing cute boys and themselves and a part of me woke up, and thought to itself; this is nothing i WANT to talk about.

I have come to terms with my "social problems" and I have realised that in general i dont like many people, i find them dull and that their lives are clouded with a purpose that i cant relate to. I have also thought about the fact that im always finding "faults" in people, and i often find myself watching and analyzing every flaw of them that i despise almost with an obsession. I seem to find other people disgusting, i can watch parts of people considered to be beautiful and graceful and find it to look like a really bad piece of art hung in a lovely frame.

I'm exactly the same.

Youre saying it like its a bad thing. ;D

 

[9006]

Youre saying it like its a bad thing. ;D

It probably is through most people's eyes. But it what makes me, me.. an that's a good thing.. I think.

 

[Peaches]

also, one thing is finding faults in people and another thing is not having anything in common with the others, if you don't have anything in common why should you like them that much? Is that even possible? PS that's a good thing, indeed