Dating sites - what I don't understand

[msbxa]

As a male, I don't understand why the women on dating sites seem to be so cold and overly demanding. Why it is so rare for them to actually reply.
Like I understand that attractive women on dating sites, especially (and maybe mainly) the free ones, get so many messages, etc. But I don't understand what is so damn hard for a simple reply to someone who put forth an honest effort. ?
Even if you are not interested in a person, wouldn't it just simply be polite and respectful to send a simple reply to say why?
In my memory I've had only 2 do this. One said I was too far, which was true, and another said she is now seeing someone. I was totally fine with it and much appreciated the feedback.

To me, it seems meaner, or maybe better to say, it sends me a worse message to not get any response at all. Which is usually the case.

I've thought for a while that total lack of regard for someone or ignoring someone completely is a lot harsher than just saying no. Because even if you say no, at least you had enough respect for the person to acknowledge them.

I just don't get it. I'm not bad looking or anything, and I've been told by several people in my life that I was attractive. But even if I am really just average looking, I don't understand why I just get dismissed by women as if I'm not even a person worth acknowledgement.

And its not like I send rude or creepy messages or anything, I usually just ask some questions based on what was written in their profile.

There was this one recently, I sent just one message to and I logged back in a couple days later and noticed she was gone. Which likely means that she probably actually took the step to block me... Like, wow... really? I just don't get it.
All I said was something like this:
Its nice to see someone with similar interests to me in fitness and nutrition.
You look great! You must get a lot of messages and attention.
How could I stand out among all competition? Well, I may not have much, but I am a genuine, gentle, honest, respectful person. Something that I think is rare.
Then I asked a couple of harmless questions from her profile.
What is so horrible about that message that she feels the need to block me?
I don't understand. Am I so out of touch with people that I don't understand some basic social rules?

Thanks for reading and any feedback.

 

[Felix]

I think it's just that girls get a lot of messages on those sites so they don't even bother replying those they're not interested in.

 

[Gutted]

You sure she didn't delete her account on that website?

I know what you mean though. The same sort of stuff happens to me on BBM (BlackBerry Messenger) People add me, ask me like 3 questions and then delete me if I don't tell them what they want to hear. You just have to realize that this is a problem they have. Not you. They lack social skills you don't. They are losing out on knowing a great person. They aren't a huge loss as they do that crap to people.

 

[ladyforsaken]

I've thought for a while that total lack of regard for someone or ignoring someone completely is a lot harsher than just saying no. Because even if you say no, at least you had enough respect for the person to acknowledge them.

I highly think so too.

 

[duff]

As a male, I don't understand why the women on dating sites seem to be so cold and overly demanding. Why it is so rare for them to actually reply.
Like I understand that attractive women on dating sites, especially (and maybe mainly) the free ones, get so many messages, etc. But I don't understand what is so damn hard for a simple reply to someone who put forth an honest effort. ?
Even if you are not interested in a person, wouldn't it just simply be polite and respectful to send a simple reply to say why?
In my memory I've had only 2 do this. One said I was too far, which was true, and another said she is now seeing someone. I was totally fine with it and much appreciated the feedback.

To me, it seems meaner, or maybe better to say, it sends me a worse message to not get any response at all. Which is usually the case.

I've thought for a while that total lack of regard for someone or ignoring someone completely is a lot harsher than just saying no. Because even if you say no, at least you had enough respect for the person to acknowledge them.

I just don't get it. I'm not bad looking or anything, and I've been told by several people in my life that I was attractive. But even if I am really just average looking, I don't understand why I just get dismissed by women as if I'm not even a person worth acknowledgement.

And its not like I send rude or creepy messages or anything, I usually just ask some questions based on what was written in their profile.

There was this one recently, I sent just one message to and I logged back in a couple days later and noticed she was gone. Which likely means that she probably actually took the step to block me... Like, wow... really? I just don't get it.
All I said was something like this:
Its nice to see someone with similar interests to me in fitness and nutrition.
You look great! You must get a lot of messages and attention.
How could I stand out among all competition? Well, I may not have much, but I am a genuine, gentle, honest, respectful person. Something that I think is rare.
Then I asked a couple of harmless questions from her profile.
What is so horrible about that message that she feels the need to block me?
I don't understand. Am I so out of touch with people that I don't understand some basic social rules?

Thanks for reading and any feedback.

it's the way of the world and how some people act on dating sites. Your not the only guy getting ignored, think of it like that. Don't take it personally. If it bothers you then quit using dating sites.

I have no idea why some women ignore messages but it happens. I send messages and emails to women I know and they don't reply. When you think what effort it takes to write a few words on a laptop - it's incredible that it happens. I can't remember ever ignoring a message from anyone but where have I got being so nice ? Nowhere !

 

[perfanoff]

I disagree. If she's not interested in the guy, there is no basis for communication at all.

Furthermore on dating sites I'm not holding my breath at all. I know that many people don't log on often / are busy / don't want to bother with it even if they have a profile and are single. And it's not like I'm in love with someone else's profile and I would need closure (something that I actually need with offline girlfriends and such)

 

[VanillaCreme]

As a woman, I wouldn't waste my time, as I don't understand dating sites either. Too many think that just because sites are specified towards dating, that they will definitely attract someone. And I don't know why some people who sign up for these things would think that after all the complaints I've seen, read and heard about when it comes to dating sites. I say you're better off just using whatever other sites you use, minus the dating ones. I found the person I clicked with in the gaming section of a streaming site.

 

[9006]

As a male, I don't understand why the women on dating sites seem to be so cold and overly demanding. Why it is so rare for them to actually reply.

This is because there's such a wide variety on these "dating sites", that they can be this fussy, there's such a massive amount of members that there's bound to be people who suit their "requirements", it's pathetic really how most people aren't realistic on these sites.

 

[Peaches]

Usually it is good policy to write the name/nick of the person in the message, and some really personalized remark. Just two minutes ago I received this message from someone I've never met:

Hey
What's up ?
Looking to meet you in friday i hope we have fun
See u
Bye

and I just can imagine how this guy copied and pasted this and sent it to all the girls who are coming to that meeting, and I don't really feel like answering, even if I probably should, out of politeness. Also, some people care about spelling.

As a woman, I wouldn't waste my time, as I don't understand dating sites either. Too many think that just because sites are specified towards dating, that they will definitely attract someone. And I don't know why some people who sign up for these things would think that after all the complaints I've seen, read and heard about when it comes to dating sites.

I noticed as well that people (guys, but also probably girls) in dating sites tend to expect something, it's like just because you joined a dating site you are ready to do everything and borderline desperate, and there is a lot of lack of respect, so I guess someone who shows respect and is unassumptious ( ? mmm, now how do you spell that?!) is already very appealing. PS also some don't answer because nobody told them it's best to do so, they think you won't notice that they didn't reply (doh), so they are not guilty of rejection.

 

[blackdot]

msbxa> first thing first. Don't try to psychoanalyze everything on dating sites. I made that mistake when I started on them. Every little thing would get at me.

Second. People don't respond for a variety of reasons. First, a lot of women on dating websites don't date and don't see the point in talking to anyone. Second, if it's a pay site, they may not have a paid account and can't respond. Third, some women find rejecting someone else to be painful. If they think you are not attractive or something, it's easier to just delete the message instead of having to either lie and make up a story or actually saying to go away. Fourth, some women are looking for Mr Perfect and don't see any reason to talk to people that aren't perfect. Fifth, women get flooded with messages. They don't have the time to respond to everyone. Sixth, women have no idea if you are sincere when you send a message. You have some people like a coworker of mine who highlights the board and sends out a message to everyone. Others send messages to people they have no shot at just in hopes of a response. I saw one girl put in her profile that if you are sending a message to her cause she is your Hail Mary Pass to just not send a message. Seventh, a lot of women are too busy to send even a short message. The reason they signed up on a dating site in the first place is because their life is busy. They figure that an online dating site where they can check things when they have free time will solve the problem. They then realize that you have to actually send messages to other people on the dating website and give up.

I even just delete messages from people I know I don't have anything in common with who message me. It is just much easier to not send anything.

Plus, if a woman does send a message back to a guy, the guy is going to see that as a "foot in the door" even if it's a rejection letter and then could start sending her more messages because it's obvious she reads her messages.



Dating websites are a good idea in theory. But unfortunately dating sites are not just people who are single and looking to date. A small percentage of the people on there are single and looking to date. You just have to navigate the minefield in hopes of finding something not connected to a landmine.

You are going to have to put up with a lot of no responses and a lot of rejection in hopes of something.

Well that also depends on your age. Once you hit your upper 30's, don't expect any responses at all to your e-mails. Mid-30's and lower, you should get something every now and then.

 

[Peaches]

ehm, Blackdot, what do you mean with "women gets flooded with messages"? only some women, right?

 

[msbxa]

Thanks for all the replies.
This is great and its a lot more feedback than I expected.
Just some comments I'd like to make:

You sure she didn't delete her account on that website?

Its possible she deleted her account, but I saw her account for a while before I messaged her. Then when I do she disappears. So that would be a very unlikely coincidence, and I don't believe in coincidences.

I highly think so too.

it's the way of the world and how some people act on dating sites. Your not the only guy getting ignored, think of it like that. Don't take it personally. If it bothers you then quit using dating sites.

I have no idea why some women ignore messages but it happens. I send messages and emails to women I know and they don't reply. When you think what effort it takes to write a few words on a laptop - it's incredible that it happens. I can't remember ever ignoring a message from anyone but where have I got being so nice ? Nowhere !

Yes and yes.
I always reply to people too.
I think also that someone who cannot have the simple courtesy to reply shows about their character not a good thing. (Unless a person has written something rude or threatening, then its reasonable to ignore/block them).
Its simple things like this that show people's true character I think - little things like that which are subtle.

I do want to quit the dating sites actually. They do bother me a fair amount.
But I don't see any other way where I could actually meet some females.
You know, I don't even really care all that much about getting a relationship or whatever. I really just enjoy and want the presence of attractive females. Just having them around and an interaction with them is just a really great feeling.

I can take rejection if it is reasonable.
What probably bothers me the most is that because of the cold shoulder and total lack of regard I often feel like I'm just some low life or creep.
When really what have I done to feel this way?
I'm treated the same way as if I did send a rude or threatening message.

Usually it is good policy to write the name/nick of the person in the message, and some really personalized remark. Just two minutes ago I received this message from someone I've never met:

Hey
What's up ?
Looking to meet you in friday i hope we have fun
See u
Bye

I never have wrote a message like that. Actually quite the opposite. I always ask specific questions from their profile which interest me, and my messages are longer than that. Maybe they are too long that it actually may be viewed as "creepy" because this guys actually took time to study/analyze my profile? I don't know, but sometimes thats what it seems like from the lack of responses I get, and like I said, I'm quite sure the one girl even when to the extent to actually block me. It blows my mind really.

msbxa> first thing first. Don't try to psychoanalyze everything on dating sites.

...

Plus, if a woman does send a message back to a guy, the guy is going to see that as a "foot in the door" even if it's a rejection letter and then could start sending her more messages because it's obvious she reads her messages.

Thats just what I do though. I'm sort of over-analytical. But thats me, and I'm going to be myself. I'm not going to try to change myself for something I'm not. Or just conform to social norms that I don't identify with just because everyone else does. Its very frustrating that people can't be more open-minded.

Also, I think its pretty sad and very disrespectful that a girl would just assume I'm not mature enough or just some creep thats going to use a "foot in the door" opportunity to begin to harass her.

 

[blackdot]

msbxa> it's just the way it is. It is way easier to just ignore the message instead of saying something. I'm not trying to defend the practice. Just saying that's why it happens.
It happens every time I meet someone in person for the 1st time off a dating website. They will go for a week without ever responding. If they gave me their phone number at the end of the date they won't answer the phone. They find it much easier to just avoid talking instead of saying to go away.
It's just the say people are.

 

[duff]

msbxa> it's just the way it is. It is way easier to just ignore the message instead of saying something. I'm not trying to defend the practice. Just saying that's why it happens.
It happens every time I meet someone in person for the 1st time off a dating website. They will go for a week without ever responding. If they gave me their phone number at the end of the date they won't answer the phone. They find it much easier to just avoid talking instead of saying to go away.
It's just the say people are.

I agree - much easier to ignore someone than write them a 'i'm not interested message'

Regarding general messages either emails or on facebook - I've had women ignore me, just not answer but when it's the other way round and it's me not answering (when I haven't seen their message) - they get all funny about it.

I find when you treat people like they treat you then they just don't like it !

---

Thanks for all the replies.
This is great and its a lot more feedback than I expected.
Just some comments I'd like to make:

You sure she didn't delete her account on that website?

Its possible she deleted her account, but I saw her account for a while before I messaged her. Then when I do she disappears. So that would be a very unlikely coincidence, and I don't believe in coincidences.

I highly think so too.

it's the way of the world and how some people act on dating sites. Your not the only guy getting ignored, think of it like that. Don't take it personally. If it bothers you then quit using dating sites.

I have no idea why some women ignore messages but it happens. I send messages and emails to women I know and they don't reply. When you think what effort it takes to write a few words on a laptop - it's incredible that it happens. I can't remember ever ignoring a message from anyone but where have I got being so nice ? Nowhere !

Yes and yes.
I always reply to people too.
I think also that someone who cannot have the simple courtesy to reply shows about their character not a good thing. (Unless a person has written something rude or threatening, then its reasonable to ignore/block them).
Its simple things like this that show people's true character I think - little things like that which are subtle.

I do want to quit the dating sites actually. They do bother me a fair amount.
But I don't see any other way where I could actually meet some females.
You know, I don't even really care all that much about getting a relationship or whatever. I really just enjoy and want the presence of attractive females. Just having them around and an interaction with them is just a really great feeling.

I can take rejection if it is reasonable.
What probably bothers me the most is that because of the cold shoulder and total lack of regard I often feel like I'm just some low life or creep.
When really what have I done to feel this way?
I'm treated the same way as if I did send a rude or threatening message.

Usually it is good policy to write the name/nick of the person in the message, and some really personalized remark. Just two minutes ago I received this message from someone I've never met:

Hey
What's up ?
Looking to meet you in friday i hope we have fun
See u
Bye

I never have wrote a message like that. Actually quite the opposite. I always ask specific questions from their profile which interest me, and my messages are longer than that. Maybe they are too long that it actually may be viewed as "creepy" because this guys actually took time to study/analyze my profile? I don't know, but sometimes thats what it seems like from the lack of responses I get, and like I said, I'm quite sure the one girl even when to the extent to actually block me. It blows my mind really.

msbxa> first thing first. Don't try to psychoanalyze everything on dating sites.

...

Plus, if a woman does send a message back to a guy, the guy is going to see that as a "foot in the door" even if it's a rejection letter and then could start sending her more messages because it's obvious she reads her messages.

Thats just what I do though. I'm sort of over-analytical. But thats me, and I'm going to be myself. I'm not going to try to change myself for something I'm not. Or just conform to social norms that I don't identify with just because everyone else does. Its very frustrating that people can't be more open-minded.

Also, I think its pretty sad and very disrespectful that a girl would just assume I'm not mature enough or just some creep thats going to use a "foot in the door" opportunity to begin to harass her.

if your missing female company then I would suggest getting a job in a shop or a pub or a charity shop. That's the only female company I get, at work. But it is nice and I do enjoy chit chatting with women and the occasional flirting. And with customer service, you just get better at it and talking becomes easier and more natural.

 

[theraab]

If you don't mind a little bit of constructive criticism, I see two things wrong with your message (assuming your messages aren't much longer than the one you mentioned originally).

All I said was something like this:
Its nice to see someone with similar interests to me in fitness and nutrition.
You look great! You must get a lot of messages and attention.
How could I stand out among all competition? Well, I may not have much, but I am a genuine, gentle, honest, respectful person. Something that I think is rare.
Then I asked a couple of harmless questions from her profile.

The bolded part is a problem for two reasons - one, "I may not have much" seems like you either lack confidence in what you do have, or that you really don't have much to offer (in which case you aren't going to stand out from the competition). Either way, I would leave that off. Also, when you say "I am genuine, gentle, etc." - although it is true that these are rare qualities, they don't really say anything about you because she doesn't know if they are true since anyone can say those things about themselves (again, it doesn't help you stand out from the competition).

Also, the line "You look great! You must get a lot of messages and attention." doesn't help you stand out from the crowd at all - if she's that good looking, she probably hears that from a lot of the guys that message her.

Asking questions relevant to her profile is good - and mentioning common interests at the outset is good; but to be honest with you, I would be more specific with that. I would also use the subject line with something eyecatching (using a statement with ellipses sometimes works), so it would be something like:

Subject: I couldn't help but notice...

Message: ...that you're a fitness buff like me. Have you ever run a 10k? I just ran my first one a few weeks ago, and thought it was exhilarating. I plan to do another one soon.

I also noticed that you're into [something that she mentions in her profile]. What got you into that?

Talk to you soon,
MSBXA


Having said all that, sometimes women just aren't interested for whatever reason - but I have had success at getting return messages from that kind of format.

Hope that helps.

---

One other thing, I usually try to be playful in the message (but that's just me) - something like (and this is a real example) "I have to ask...what in the world were you doing wearing a coat in a nightclub? If there's one place you never need a coat it's in a club." (based on a picture she had on her profile) - it isn't really teasing her, but it's a little bit of lightheartedness, so the message doesn't seem like an interview.

 

[murmi97]

[/quote]

The bolded part is a problem for two reasons - one, "I may not have much" seems like you either lack confidence in what you do have, or that you really don't have much to offer (in which case you aren't going to stand out from the competition). Either way, I would leave that off. Also, when you say "I am genuine, gentle, etc." - although it is true that these are rare qualities, they don't really say anything about you because she doesn't know if they are true since anyone can say those things about themselves (again, it doesn't help you stand out from the competition).

[/quote]

If I did the dating site thing, I wouldn't mind reading/hearing that. It speaks to humility. I know that people usually can't be trusted to have an objective perception of themselves, so I wouldn't take it as they actually don't have much of what I'd want in a partner. Some one on the "I'm not all that" side of the spectrum is better choice in my view.

 

[xaero]

Online dating is an extremely contrived way of finding love. I think the best kind of intimate relationship or friendship is one that occurs spontaneously. Online dating sites have a tendency to reveal too much all at once. That said, online dating becomes more like shopping for a partner, and ends up creating a superficial paradox of sorts where interest in someone is based solely on profile pictures or profile biographies.

 

[msbxa]

Thanks for all the input, its very interesting stuff and helps open my perspectives.
And no I don't mind constructive criticism. Its just really nice to actually at least get some feedback...
Most of what you have all said I think is right about dating sites. The thing about it is that I don't really see other options for me. But perhaps I should think of other ways to try to fill the void. Like maybe I need to find some groups/clubs to join or volunteer opportunities or something.
I really don't think I'm very good at that stuff anyway, like flirting and playful joking, etc. I'm kind of just to the point type of person. I guess those places are just not for me.
I don't like the idea of giving up on something because then in the back of my mind I'll always remember it like a failure, but hey at least I tried it out.

 

[9006]

I think you'd be better finding a more localised dating site, these silly ones advertised on TV with millions of users doesn't sound ideal for you.

I'd also assume that pay sites would be the best, because at least most people would actually be serious about it all.

Thanks for all the input, its very interesting stuff and helps open my perspectives.
And no I don't mind constructive criticism. Its just really nice to actually at least get some feedback...
Most of what you have all said I think is right about dating sites. The thing about it is that I don't really see other options for me. But perhaps I should think of other ways to try to fill the void. Like maybe I need to find some groups/clubs to join or volunteer opportunities or something.
I really don't think I'm very good at that stuff anyway, like flirting and playful joking, etc. I'm kind of just to the point type of person. I guess those places are just not for me.
I don't like the idea of giving up on something because then in the back of my mind I'll always remember it like a failure, but hey at least I tried it out.

 

[Mike510]

Dating sites are a horrible way to meet good people lol. So many people either are looking for sex, have a massive ego problem, or just try to pressure you into something. I remember signing up for POF about 3 years ago and girls would message me asking if I had any weed .