Do you ever feel like you "missed the train"?

[Lua]

I sorta missed the formative years of the whole guy-girl game, so even now when a girl is flirting with me it's hard to tell, and even if I pick up on it I'm not sure how to react.

It's the same with me. I never had a boyfriend and when someone is flirting with me, I'm often completely baffled and don't know how to react. From my current social situation, I really can't see myself ever getting a boyfriend. I don't have a lot of friends, so I rarely meet new guys as friends of friends, and at parties it's usually very self-confident, almost intrusive men who start talking to me. And if I notice that someone is interested in me before I even know them the slightest bit, it somehow creeps me out... Then again, I'm usually too shy to go up to guys I like because I feel like I won't know what to say, or eventually they'll find me boring. So yeah, I absolutely know what you're saying. But at least I plucked up the courage to talk to someone I had a crush on this year, so maybe there is hope after all...

 

[Lonely in BC]

OMG, I almost never get these opportunities.

This is what I saw when a train went by me yesterday, I just had to chase it down for a picture.....

http://img859.imageshack.us/img859/1457/imagencb.jpg

BTW, grammar cop- I didn't write it, I just snapped the picture. You know who you are

 

[5pt7art]

yea i can relate to you in a way...im about to be 24...in highschool i was bullied also...i wouldnt say im an ugly beast but the fact i was bullied i guess radiated from me and turned girls off...and it has stuck with me since..and ill be 24 on the 16th of this month...and well i sadly say that i missed the train long ago...

 

[Igotnoname]

I didnt even find the train station

 

[TheSolitaryMan]

Very carthartic to feel that I'm not alone in this, thanks for the replies guys

My lack of experience makes me feel completely powerless sometimes. Right now I'm seeing a girl socially on a regular basis. I've known (and liked) her for around 7 years, ever since I was a young 'un, but it's just utterly impossible for me to ask her out.

She's really shy, so it sort of makes sense that I'm struggling, but I'm sure there's just something missing in me sometimes. That inner component that apparently lets other guys know when girls like them and allows them to act on it just didn't develop in me. Or it wasn't there to begin with!

I can literally spend years wishing I could go on a date with someone and never do it, it's indescribably lame.

 

[5pt7art]

Very carthartic to feel that I'm not alone in this, thanks for the replies guys

My lack of experience makes me feel completely powerless sometimes. Right now I'm seeing a girl socially on a regular basis. I've known (and liked) her for around 7 years, ever since I was a young 'un, but it's just utterly impossible for me to ask her out.

She's really shy, so it sort of makes sense that I'm struggling, but I'm sure there's just something missing in me sometimes. That inner component that apparently lets other guys know when girls like them and allows them to act on it just didn't develop in me. Or it wasn't there to begin with!

I can literally spend years wishing I could go on a date with someone and never do it, it's indescribably lame.

i can definatley relate to you....my lack of experience/confidence/self esteem...has just prevented me from jumping on board..i sit around and wish everyday i could find a gf but i know it will never happen...i believe im destined to be alone.

 

[somber_radiance]

Sounds stupid I guess, but do you ever feel like perhaps romantic inexperience in the past has messed you up in the present? I'm curious if others feel like this because it's something that I feel is very much the case with my life.

Basically my teen years were really crappy. I was bullied most of the time and it was only in my late teens that it stopped. I was unfit until I was about 19, so pretty much physically unattractive to girls.

That meant that hugging, simple kissing, all that kind of "innocent teen romance" stuff never happened for me. I never asked a girl out anywhere either.

Now I'm 21, with no change in experience. Girls have been flirting with me quite a lot lately, but I always feel acutely awkward because it's always in a highly sexual sense. Girls just assume that I know about all that stuff I guess, so I get very embarrassed and just don't know what to think or say :\

I just want to simply hold a girl's hand, or learn what kissing is like, but most agreeable ladies I meet jump straight to heavy innuendo/close dancing/outright offering of pretty rude stuff.

It's not that I don't want sex or that level of a relationship and I know more experienced guys would probably appreciate that sort of flirting. But when girls do that with me, it's like I'm being pushed in the pool at the deep end.

Anyone know what I'm getting at, or am I just rambling like a wally?

I wish I could meet someone like you. Maybe I unintentionally give off too much sexual innuendos because the majority of guys I meet just want to have fun and jump in the haystack with me...and apparently think that's what I want...unfortunately that's not what I'm looking for. Note to self: work on communication.

 

[The Pariah]

I agree with you 100% OP.

I went to an all male upper school and didn't have much of a social life outside (as in, none). Not only that but I have no confidence when it comes to women, other stuff no problem, women? Nope.

It's made worse now by the fact that, like you say, girls assume a guy in his 20's knows what he is doing, knows how to flirt, knows how to show interest. I can't compete with those guys. A girl asked my recently how long I'd been single for and I was honest. The look on her face basically said "Does not compute"

As for approaching shy girls...I know how difficult I am to approach. There is no breaking through their defence when you're so well guarded yourself. It'd be like two fortresses standing next to each other, occassionally firing an ineffective arrow against a solid stone wall.

I didn't just miss the train, I was nowhere near the station when it passed through and I'm still lost trying to find it. Maybe another will come along, or I'd be happy catching a bus :S

 

[blackdot]

It's made worse now by the fact that, like you say, girls assume a guy in his 20's knows what he is doing, knows how to flirt, knows how to show interest. I can't compete with those guys. A girl asked my recently how long I'd been single for and I was honest. The look on her face basically said "Does not compute"

I know the feeling. I run into that issue but I'm in my upper 30's. In your 20's it is worse. People expect other people in their 20's to be dating. Once you get into your 30's, people expect you to either be married or have been married before. If you are not either of those then you are just a lost cause and they ignore you.

Back in my 20's when I would tell someone I had never dated, they would always as the same question. "Are you gay?" I would just reply back that gay people date. This would completely screw up their heads. You could see smoke coming out of their ears and hear the gears grind to a halt trying to comprehend that gay people date. Sometimes they would ask if that means I am gay and I would then tell them no.

 

[SophiaGrace]

Back in my 20's when I would tell someone I had never dated, they would always as the same question. "Are you gay?"

How rude of them.

 

[Trent]

Back in my 20's when I would tell someone I had never dated, they would always as the same question. "Are you gay?"

How rude of them.

i've been asked that too. it's been years. but when people would see no ring on my finger...

 

[SophiaGrace]

Back in my 20's when I would tell someone I had never dated, they would always as the same question. "Are you gay?"

How rude of them.

i've been asked that too. it's been years. but when people would see no ring on my finger...

It must be a guy thing because i dont think people ask that of dateless girls.

 

[shesafrozenfire]

Back in my 20's when I would tell someone I had never dated, they would always as the same question. "Are you gay?"

How rude of them.

i've been asked that too. it's been years. but when people would see no ring on my finger...

It must be a guy thing because i dont think people ask that of dateless girls.

Nah, I've had a couple people ask me if I was a lesbian because I haven't been on a frantic dating spree since the marriage ended. I actually was hit on by a woman when some acquaintances and I went out for drinks a few years ago.

I've dated, but I've been discreet about it, because I have kids and don't want to bring someone into their lives unless I'm sure that he's going to be a permanent fixture.

I hate the idea that just because I'm free, I HAVE to dive into another long-term relationship in order to be considered "normal."

 

[Romantic_Flower]

I know what if u feel.
I prefer Loving than having sex. Sex is a consequence of love. I dont want a girlfriend just for i can have sex with. I want a girlfriend for i can talk, share things, hang out, laugh, cry... A partner for every moment of my life...
And the more I look for it, the less I find. So I decided to stop looking, stop caring. I don't know if i'm doing the right thing but...

 

[TheSolitaryMan]

I know what if u feel.
I prefer Loving than having sex. Sex is a consequence of love. I dont want a girlfriend just for i can have sex with. I want a girlfriend for i can talk, share things, hang out, laugh, cry... A partner for every moment of my life...
And the more I look for it, the less I find. So I decided to stop looking, stop caring. I don't know if i'm doing the right thing but...

I've tried that before and I find denying myself something I basically want emotionally is a fast track to feeling really down about everything

Now I try to recognise that I have romantic needs, but rationalise that it's unlikely they're going to get met.

---

So I saw this girl again today, the situation typifies this problem.

I have her contact details and recently we spent an evening in each other's company (along with some group friends). It was a wonderful night, somehow I felt truly relaxed around her and I was talking and joking around without any kind of apprehension or worry.

She even started taking a real interest in my leisure activities, how I work out, etc. She ended the day (as she has done previously) by telling me how much fun she had being around me.

I started thinking to myself "Wow, she's amazing." We just got on so well.

Then next time I see her a few days later, it's like I'm back to "friend" status again. We talk, but not to the same extent, then I just start feeling like somehow I'm just failing to take things further.

It's so inevitably depressing. I will see her again soon, but I already know it'll all be smiles and chit-chat, I could never move past that.

 

[Lost Drifter]

...she ended the day (as she has done previously) by telling me how much fun she had being around me.

I started thinking to myself "Wow, she's amazing." We just got on so well.

So did you tell her that?

It's so inevitably depressing. I will see her again soon, but I already know it'll all be smiles and chit-chat, I could never move past that.

Things will only move if you make them happen, are you giving her the right signals or (and you know I don't mean to sound insulting here) are you waiting for her to make all the moves?

 

[TheSolitaryMan]

...she ended the day (as she has done previously) by telling me how much fun she had being around me.

I started thinking to myself "Wow, she's amazing." We just got on so well.

So did you tell her that?

Oh no, of course not! Lol :shy:

I told her I had a great time, but that was about it. Unfortunately we were never alone to talk, and I didn't want to embarrass her (or myself) by admitting that I like her in front of everyone.

Things will only move if you make them happen, are you giving her the right signals or (and you know I don't mean to sound insulting here) are you waiting for her to make all the moves?

I don't know. I took the initiative in getting her number and so on a while ago, and I've basically asked if she'd like to hang out with me a few times (she has, but since we meet socially it's always been in groups anyway).

Further than that, I just don't know what to do. This is what I mean, I literally don't know how to be more than friends with a girl, pathetic as that sounds! Starting a relationship is terribly alien to me.

And I apologise Drifter, I expect you're sick of hearing the broken record that my relationship posts essentially are :\

 

[Rayri]

My train never came. And it never will.

 

[MadMonkè]

umm... regarding the original post...

girls love a good tease...
if they think you know all about sex..
and you just hold their hand and kiss and stuff... itll blow their minds... and they will rape you.

well.. maybe its not true... but why worry about what you dont know? you have instinct and its powerful stuff...
so go and hold the hell out of her hands man!

But then again... I did miss the train... will there be another one? do yo know what time it will come?

 

[TheSolitaryMan]

you have instinct and its powerful stuff...
so go and hold the hell out of her hands man!

But then again... I did miss the train... will there be another one? do yo know what time it will come?

Curious that you mention instinct. This is kind of the thing, I can obviously act in a romantic/sexual manner instinctively, but it never feels appropriate to do so to me, so I just try to bottle that up.

I've never just told a girl I like her, or outright flirted. I just feel like that'd be offensive for some reason

Perhaps I should do that for a change? To continue the metaphor, I'm wondering if the tracks are still under construction!