Does anyone have difficulty coming to terms with your past?

[applepear]

Well, does anyone?

Guess I do. I actually think about it quite often.

Recently, I stumbled across a school photo of myself a few years back. I don't know why I had this reaction of complete disgust. Like I just blurted out loud to my dad "I can't believe I look so ugly. Who is this person? Ew. I don't know her" Yea and my dad thought I was being all jokey as usual so he added "I don't know her either!" I cringe whenever I see that picture. My hair was ****, my face was fat, and I had this drugged out look with tiny eyes and everything. I told him I was gonna burn it. Maybe I got some sort of inferiority complex. I don't know. Whenever I see picture like that I feel so, sooo bad. It feels like no matter how I do my hair or put makeup or diet I still have an ugly face and it makes me so uncomfortable in my own skin that I start overcompensating. I think of changing my looks all the time. I used to be fat, now I'm almost size 0. I dream of traveling on different places to take photos of myself enjoying life so I can upload it on FB. Its like I'm trying to overcompensate for my uninteresting life. I don't want people to look down on me like they did in the past. I just bombed hundreds of dollars on clothes, and its so stupid, I just don't want to see myself as that ugly duckling again and I want others to see that image I've created. To some extent this extension of myself I've created, or this image, has been successful. I should be happy but I feel guilty. I envy my friends because they don't have to deal with such complexes. I have a close friend who looks and acts exactly the same from when she was 8 to 18, and I wish people could have accepted me like they accepted her. I guess the pain of rejection leaves lifelong scars. Im so scared of being rejected that I overcompensate, yet my friends think that I'm so confident. They said its cool that I have my own personality and don't care what other people think. If somebody doesn't like me I tell people "Nah I hated her in the first place" and everyone believes it. And I just think in my heart I'm living a lie, like Im bipolar or something.

If anyone has similar stories, please share. How you guys cope with identity issues and rejection issues.

Thanks for reading guys. I know I'm kinda hypocritical. Please don't be too harsh...maybe I just need to grow up, but for now, I'm stuck in this mindset that i know is silly but its hard for me to cope.

 

[hellopanda]

Well, everyone's living a lie. No need for you to beat yourself up over trying to maintain a good image. Who are you trying to impress though, yourself or the people around you?

I did the same thing, I tried really hard to create an image of someone who has a life, wasted a lot of money on clothes, and so forth. But after awhile, I realized I just couldn't live like that and I just stopped faking it. I think I lost a lot of "friends" by doing so, but I don't regret being who I am. I plan to just be myself from now on because I don't want to be defined by how other people view me. That said, I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to look good. Maybe one day you'll decide you don't want to live that way anymore, but for now, I think it's okay. That describes about 99% of the human population anyways. XP

 

[condemnedsoul666]

All you need to do is be yourself and if your friends don't like you for who you are then they aren't friends. Or what you could do is instead of masking yourself with lies so you appear the way you want to to people just become the person you want to be by living life the way you want and not how others want it.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

I made some big mistakes in my past that effected Renae and our duaghter.
Been trying to set those things right..but it's not so easy.
I love Renae and Kimmi very much.

I cant ever go back to the past and change it. The guilt and shame I've
carried over the years didnt help one bit. I try to forgive myself for the
mistakes and poor decisions I've made.

Kimmi had been supportive of me. I'm grateful. I'm gratful for her forgivenes and her love
for me. We're trying to come to terms of current life situations. Not easy for her nor I.
Idenity issues? I'm Kimmi's dad. She's my baby daughter. All she ever wanted was
her parents to love her and hold her. A loving home she can come home to without
being judged. Kimmi dosnt have looks issues. She a beautiful young women with many looks
and she's beautiful from every angle. It's her heart that's broken. Cant see that in the
many beautiful pic of her smiling at the world though.

 

[IgnoredOne]

Learn from our mistakes, its the best that anyone can ask of us. Your past should let you know how to live the present, so let it serve that role, and try not to beat yourself up too much for what you can't change.

 

[Swamp Yankee]

There are times I think about little else. Keeping busy and not giving myself time to dwell and brood has worked well enough thus far.

I hope that helps. -SY

 

[septicemia]

I totally know what you mean about not being comfortable in your own skin. Sometimes I disgust myself so much I can barely stand it!

I think one of the main journeys in life is to learn to be comfortable with ourselves.

 

[applepear]

I totally know what you mean about not being comfortable in your own skin. Sometimes I disgust myself so much I can barely stand it!

I think one of the main journeys in life is to learn to be comfortable with ourselves.

This is probably the main journey of my life. Acceptance.

Maybe thats why people couldn't accept me, my own discomfort in myself must have been so obvious. Its a cycle of rejection. All humans crave acceptance...we are like flowers in need of tender loving care and attention. I changed schools and it was like being transported to a new pot with fertile soil. A fresh start. Because I was so bitter I changed myself and emulated others, the way I act and look. It has improved my social life but caused a disaster in my inner self. I've always considered my childhood self my true me - a self unspoiled by judgement of adolescence, and incapable of the influence of the outside world. The real me. Pristine, naive and maybe a little idealistic. And I think I'm so different from that me now. I wonder if people would accept me if I had revert back to my old self which I reject but still deep in my heart cherish.

It took me a long time to understand that the "self" is always changing. I'm still trying to grow into my own skin. Why am I so uncomfortable with me now? I think I have a fear of people in my past appearing suddenly and telling everyone I'm a phony. Sigh.

 

[edgecrusher]

i have difficulty coming to terms with mine. or the lack of one i should say.

 

[Pheenix]

Funnily enough, I have never worried about my past, or been able to identify with people who did. Unfortunately, I can't say why.

 

[condemnedsoul666]

Funnily enough, I have never worried about my past, or been able to identify with people who did. Unfortunately, I can't say why.

Maybe you simply don't regret anything as you move through and all in all it is very fulfilling for you? I'm probably wrong though.

 

[WishingWell]

I used to worry about what people who knew me in the past thought about me. I don't know when or how, but one day I came to the realization of how ridiculous it was worrying about what people thought about me. I did some things in the past that weren't exactly thought out. I acted on impulse and regret some of the decisions I made. Now, I don't care who thinks about or talks about anything regarding me. I, also, feel that people have lives to live and time goes on, and they most likely don't spend their time even thinking about me. So the past is the past, and I live for today, and the hope that the days ahead are good ones.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

K...even if I had forgive myself of the past or gotten over it.

Some poeple can drop everything and move forward quickly..
some of us need to do this more than once ..depending on how deep we
barried it and how much we want to hold on to it
Some of us have more resedue of those negative feelings than others.

The thing of it is..I have a brain and my brain store memories.
Those memories will come to surface from time to time. Something will trigger
those thoughts and feelings. Some memorioes of my past might be traumatics
events or guilt feelings...it dosnt matter.

Just drop those thoughts and feelings as they come up. Domt run with it or try to figure them out anymore. Let go of them. Dont react to those implus or feelings of impluse...ather learn how to repond and just let go of those feelings. Those feelings will actually past through you.
The more you do or practrice this...the more you will be able to shift your
attention to present moment and do whatever you need and want to do with
you life....These are some of the living tools I've learn from books, seminars
of how to come to peace and live a happier and healhty life.

 

[someguy23475]

I just try and hide my past as much as possible. Luckily I speak with almost no one from high school (I graduated nine years ago) so all the new people I've met don't know about it. I don't reveal much about my childhood.

 

[lonelyfairy]

I am quite much tried to forget my past, trying to give all the mean people forgive (they're only human too...) and continue forward in life. But it is REALLY difficult. .__.

 

[IgnoredOne]

I am quite much tried to forget my past, trying to give all the mean people forgive (they're only human too...) and continue forward in life. But it is REALLY difficult. .__.

You know, it /is/ all right to hate the people who've hurt you, right?

 

[lonelyfairy]

I am quite much tried to forget my past, trying to give all the mean people forgive (they're only human too...) and continue forward in life. But it is REALLY difficult. .__.

You know, it /is/ all right to hate the people who've hurt you, right?

You're right, maybe I'm just too kind for them....

 

[freedom]

we all have our insecurities. it seems to me like you're just over-reacting. we've all looked at a picture of ourselves when we were younger and almost puked at the sight of it. hell, i did it just the other day. we the people are always trying to better ourselves, and there comes a times when we make so much progress that it becomes hard to believe where we're standing.

you have to learn to be comfortable in your own skin. this is either going to make or break my advice, but here goes... no matter how much better you try and make yourself look or feel, what good will it do if you can never really be satisfied? you have to learn to accept the fact that you are who you are, and there's really no way to change it.

change begins in your mind, not in your being.

take care.

-freedom

 

[Rolo]

I can relate to what the original poster said about photos. I pretty much did the same thing- there are now no photos of me when i was a child or through school, as far as i know i have destroyed them all.I think the only pics of me in existance are the ones on my work id and my avatar- buts that only because im one of those people that likes to put a face to a voice and think others feel the same.

I used to get really down because of how much i thought about how pointless or bad i am. Any time that i was not occupied by something i would just slip into self loathing. I then changed my outlook after a lot of effort- i pretty much erased my existance- i stopped talking to people from my school (i didnt get along with them much anyway or speak that much in the first place), I destroyed anything to do with my past-any photos or old school work, and stopped talking about it. This worked, but now i think ive reached a point where ive gone too far. The person i see in the mirror is not who i actually am, ive been constantly running from my past-before christmas i worked in a care home and one day i saw a girl from my old class at school. she only recognised me because of my name tag-she started speaking and that brought everything back. I worked another shift then handed in my notice. Ive gone from one extreme to the other- before i couldnt stop thinking about it, now i cant bear to.

I still hate the people from my past, i dont let things go which is probably my problem, although i can identify it i cant change it no matter how hard i try. Ive gone from caring about what people think of me to not really caring and going overboard in my reactions to anything that brings up the past. maybe tahts a reason why i find it hard to make friends, i dont want people to know me......

Sorry about the rant, writting this stuff out is pretty theraputic lmao