Feeling Like A Victim

[Fay F]

I'm trying very hard not to have the "victim" mentality. Nobody is putting a gun to my head and forcing me to stay with an abusive partner. What is wrong with me? Why can't I just buck up and ask him to leave already?

My Excuses:

1. I love him
2. We've been together 16 years
3. I know deep down that he loves me
4. He's always shown remorse for his abusive treatment
5. I'm scared as hell
6. I'm emotionally drained and can't find it in me to start the process of ending the marriage
7. I'm so beaten down emotionally that the thought of a breakup is too devastating to imagine
8. I know he will make life difficult for me and again as above, the thought of it is too overwhelming
9. I still have the faintest hope that he will see me as a valuable woman who is worth his respect and care
10. I'm too depressed to take action


I should do this to myself:   :club:
But it probably wouldn't help.

 

[Yeti1980]

I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling like this Fay F, the thing to remember is that you do deserve respect and that you do deserve to be happy. These are the basic values of human life, you should be able to live without fear or oppression.

I do realise that it's far more difficult to actually do something about it, create change and/or take control of the relationship.

Could you give some examples of things he does? Can you think why he does them?

It might be a good idea to find a local group for women in similar situations, I'm sure A) you'd be surprised how common your situation is and B) that you'd find some good experience-based advice on how to deal with it as well as offers of support. It's not the kind of thing you should expect to be able to do on your own (although I'm not saying that you can't do it by yourself).

---

 

[TheRealCallie]

I'm trying very hard not to have the "victim" mentality. Nobody is putting a gun to my head and forcing me to stay with an abusive partner. What is wrong with me? Why can't I just buck up and ask him to leave already?

My Excuses:

1. I love him
Love isn't always enough
2. We've been together 16 years
So what?  Does it matter how long you've been together?
3. I know deep down that he loves me
Again, love isn't always enough.  
4. He's always shown remorse for his abusive treatment
If he continues to do it, it's not remorse.
5. I'm scared as hell
Scared of what, exactly?
6. I'm emotionally drained and can't find it in me to start the process of ending the marriage
Of course you are.  Do it anyway.
7. I'm so beaten down emotionally that the thought of a breakup is too devastating to imagine
So you just want to keep living with the man that beat you down?
8. I know he will make life difficult for me and again as above, the thought of it is too overwhelming
He's not already?  
9. I still have the faintest hope that he will see me as a valuable woman who is worth his respect and care
And if he does, there's always tomorrow. Right now you need to take care of YOU, not him.
10. I'm too depressed to take action
And you'll get more depressed if you don't.


I should do this to myself:   :club:
But it probably wouldn't help.

 

[Fay F]

I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling like this Fay F, the thing to remember is that you do deserve respect and that you do deserve to be happy. These are the basic values of human life, you should be able to live without fear or oppression.

I do realise that it's far more difficult to actually do something about it, create change and/or take control of the relationship.

Could you give some examples of things he does? Can you think why he does them?

It might be a good idea to find a local group for women in similar situations, I'm sure A) you'd be surprised how common your situation is and B) that you'd find some good experience-based advice on how to deal with it as well as offers of support. It's not the kind of thing you should expect to be able to do on your own (although I'm not saying that you can't do it by yourself).

---

---

Thank you! I was reaching out for support and your comment really helped me.

For the last month or so, I've been speaking to a counsellor weekly. I am working with a self-esteem coach daily by email - the lovely angel of a lady doesn't even charge a fee because she wants to help people - I'm so blessed. I read self-help books too. When I try to have a discussion with him, he laughs at me because he says I'm being "brainwashed".

I know that I don't deserve this treatment but what perplexes me is WHY I put up with it? My excuses seem valid when I think of them, but when I read them...I wouldn't advise a dear friend to put up with this so why do I? That's the million dollar question that I have found no answers to yet. Maybe I'm just too drained to imagine the pain of the breakup? Maybe tolerating his infantile/abusive behaviour seems easier at this point?

I really think that he is playing out some kind of weird scenario where he is seeing me as his mother. He HATES her. The reason I say this is because he acts like a spoiled, entitled rebellious teenager with me. It's kind of creepy and makes me very uncomfortable. I tried to bring this up gently once and I caught hell for it.

I really appreciate you talking to me. I feel very alone today.

 

[TheRealCallie]

I know that I don't deserve this treatment but what perplexes me is WHY I put up with it? My excuses seem valid when I think of them, but when I read them...I wouldn't advise a dear friend to put up with this so why do I? That's the million dollar question that I have found no answers to yet. Maybe I'm just too drained to imagine the pain of the breakup? Maybe tolerating his infantile/abusive behaviour seems easier at this point?

Because you have been emotionally abused.  When that happens, your first thoughts generally tend to be "I have to be what HE wants me to be."  You are the only one that can break that cycle.  But, until you are truly ready to break that cycle, you won't do it.  You are starting to see it, so you are oh so close.  It will be okay if you take the leap.  YOU will be okay.  It will be hard at first, but soon you will be so much better than you could have imagined.

 

[Fay F]

I'm trying very hard not to have the "victim" mentality. Nobody is putting a gun to my head and forcing me to stay with an abusive partner. What is wrong with me? Why can't I just buck up and ask him to leave already?

My Excuses:

1. I love him
Love isn't always enough
2. We've been together 16 years
So what?  Does it matter how long you've been together?
3. I know deep down that he loves me
Again, love isn't always enough.  
4. He's always shown remorse for his abusive treatment
If he continues to do it, it's not remorse.
5. I'm scared as hell
Scared of what, exactly?
6. I'm emotionally drained and can't find it in me to start the process of ending the marriage
Of course you are.  Do it anyway.
7. I'm so beaten down emotionally that the thought of a breakup is too devastating to imagine
So you just want to keep living with the man that beat you down?
8. I know he will make life difficult for me and again as above, the thought of it is too overwhelming
He's not already?  
9. I still have the faintest hope that he will see me as a valuable woman who is worth his respect and care
And if he does, there's always tomorrow. Right now you need to take care of YOU, not him.
10. I'm too depressed to take action
And you'll get more depressed if you don't.


I should do this to myself:   :club:
But it probably wouldn't help.

I don't know you very well, but I can certainly anticipate your honest and helpful responses...Callie did you have someone like you in your life when you were trying to get out of your situation? I feel like you are there to help me, but that I'm not ready to accept the help yet, but you always come back to help...if that makes sense. xx

---

Because you have been emotionally abused.  When that happens, your first thoughts generally tend to be "I have to be what HE wants me to be."  You are the only one that can break that cycle.  But, until you are truly ready to break that cycle, you won't do it.  You are starting to see it, so you are oh so close.  It will be okay if you take the leap.  YOU will be okay.  It will be hard at first, but soon you will be so much better than you could have imagined.

Yes...I feel like I'm SO close...this boundary I set today has changed me a little. I have this desperate little girl inside who is yelling at me to run to him for a hug....but my adult woman is saying "If you do, he will cut you down even further."...the leap...gosh, that is so scary right now.

 

[MissBehave]

It takes time to build up the strength to move on. I felt very frozen in fear of what would happen if I did. Not to mention abuse just pushes your selfworth and spirit down in the mud. 
It seems to me you are mentally moving forward and that's the first step before taking your thoughts into action. 
Besides, those who are abused by their partner are already alone in that relationship.
I hope you keep strong and belive in yourself.

 

[Fay F]

It takes time to build up the strength to move on. I felt very frozen in fear of what would happen if I did. Not to mention abuse just pushes your selfworth and spirit down in the mud. 
It seems to me you are mentally moving forward and that's the first step before taking your thoughts into action. 
Besides, those who are abused by their partner are already alone in that relationship.
I hope you keep strong and belive in yourself.

Thank you so much! I'm sorry you went through this and you're right about the self-worth. I do believe in myself. I enjoy who I am and even if he tries to instill in me that I'm a "bad person" I know I'm not![font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif][/font][font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif][/font]

 

[TheRealCallie]

I don't know you very well, but I can certainly anticipate your honest and helpful responses...Callie did you have someone like you in your life when you were trying to get out of your situation? I feel like you are there to help me, but that I'm not ready to accept the help yet, but you always come back to help...if that makes sense. xx


Yes...I feel like I'm SO close...this boundary I set today has changed me a little. I have this desperate little girl inside who is yelling at me to run to him for a hug....but my adult woman is saying "If you do, he will cut you down even further."...the leap...gosh, that is so scary right now.

While I was going through it?  No, I was more worried about making sure NO ONE knew.  After he left, I joined Alanon and then a few months later, I came here.  Both my Alanon chat room and the chat room here saved my life, literally. 

I'll be here to help you any time you need it.  If you want to talk in PM, we can do that.  If you want to come to the chat room, we can do that too.  I always try to help and I'm happy to help, as long as I can see that the person wants help, which it's clear you do.
Even for people who don't want help, I'll still reply on the off chance it could help someone else. So yeah, I always come back, even when you don't want me to. lol

I think one day soon, you will be ready to take that leap.  Just remember you have support, both in real life and online, when you finally do.

 

[Forgottendanfan]

Don't depend on a relationship to make you happy. This is what people have always told me as someone who's never been in one. This relationship is clearly not making you happy, so why not put an end to it and enjoy being single?

 

[4No1]

I'm trying very hard not to have the "victim" mentality. Nobody is putting a gun to my head and forcing me to stay with an abusive partner. What is wrong with me? Why can't I just buck

Nothing is wrong with you! I think it's the codependency and it always works like this. You can't just stand up and walk away, it's quite difficult but it's something that you have to do.
I don't know how to help, in fact, I'm only a theoretic, but I'm completely sure nothing is wrong with you, don't think it is, think that you are strong and need to take all your strength. It sounds trivially but it works. If there any groups near you for the abuser's partners that can help you - I think you'd better visit them. It should be very difficult to get through it alone.

 

[Fay F]

While I was going through it?  No, I was more worried about making sure NO ONE knew.  After he left, I joined Alanon and then a few months later, I came here.  Both my Alanon chat room and the chat room here saved my life, literally. 

I'll be here to help you any time you need it.  If you want to talk in PM, we can do that.  If you want to come to the chat room, we can do that too.  I always try to help and I'm happy to help, as long as I can see that the person wants help, which it's clear you do.
Even for people who don't want help, I'll still reply on the off chance it could help someone else. So yeah, I always come back, even when you don't want me to. lol

I think one day soon, you will be ready to take that leap.  Just remember you have support, both in real life and online, when you finally do.

I so appreciate you.
For the longest time I was hiding it but something happened just before Christmas that made me "come out" so to speak. I told 3 of my closest friends who had no idea. How happy I felt that they were SUPPORTIVE. I was so afraid I'd be judged. I still talk to one of them about it, she herself is in a 38 year marriage with an abusive partner. She said she stayed for the kids, now she's too old to start again so she's tolerating it, but can't wait until he kicks the bucket. I feel like that is so sad and I don't want to be saying that in 16 more years! Hiding it kept in ashamed of it. Ever since I told people, I feel stronger.

---

Don't depend on a relationship to make you happy. This is what people have always told me as someone who's never been in one. This relationship is clearly not making you happy, so why not put an end to it and enjoy being single?

Well, here's another excuse: Easier said than done.
I don't rely on the relationship to make me happy. I'm actually a very happy person outside of his bad behaviour. I have a good zest for life, lots of fun hobbies, I have my pets and my friends. I do however wish the relationship would enhance my joy. It used to! Maybe part of me is thinking this is just a phase and I just have to weather the storm and it'll go back to when it was fun and happy.
But really, I'm working on the decision to put an end to it.  I've been quite beaten down emotionally and I need to heal a little before venturing into the pain of breaking up!

---

I'm trying very hard not to have the "victim" mentality. Nobody is putting a gun to my head and forcing me to stay with an abusive partner. What is wrong with me? Why can't I just buck

Nothing is wrong with you! I think it's the codependency and it always works like this. You can't just stand up and walk away, it's quite difficult but it's something that you have to do.
I don't know how to help, in fact, I'm only a theoretic, but I'm completely sure nothing is wrong with you, don't think it is, think that you are strong and need to take all your strength. It sounds trivially but it works. If there any groups near you for the abuser's partners that can help you - I think you'd better visit them. It should be very difficult to get through it alone.

Thanks so much <3. I've been reading "Codependent No More"...so far I really don't see myself as a codependent...she talks mostly about alcoholism in the early chapters I guess, so it's hard for me to relate, but I'll keep reading. There was a group of women who got together at the local domestic violence outreach center, but because of covid, the groups are all canceled. I did find an online support group for people who deal with partners who have ADHD and BPD, that's been helping me a lot and teaching me a lot too. It's hard doing this alone, but that's the life I chose a long time ago. I'm not really a social person, I LOVE solitude and living the life of a hermit! As long as I have my pets around me, and nature and wildlife, I feel like I'm in heaven. But....my husband is turning this heaven into hell I suppose.

 

[CoderMom]

I'm trying very hard not to have the "victim" mentality. Nobody is putting a gun to my head and forcing me to stay with an abusive partner. What is wrong with me? Why can't I just buck up and ask him to leave already?

My Excuses:

1. I love him
2. We've been together 16 years
3. I know deep down that he loves me
4. He's always shown remorse for his abusive treatment
5. I'm scared as hell
6. I'm emotionally drained and can't find it in me to start the process of ending the marriage
7. I'm so beaten down emotionally that the thought of a breakup is too devastating to imagine
8. I know he will make life difficult for me and again as above, the thought of it is too overwhelming
9. I still have the faintest hope that he will see me as a valuable woman who is worth his respect and care
10. I'm too depressed to take action


I should do this to myself:   :club:
But it probably wouldn't help.

That is a very difficult spot to be in.  Do you have a support system?  People you can count on and talk things through with?  If not, I would suggest an IC, and finding a support person would be an invaluable help.

 

[beingnobody]

I'm trying very hard not to have the "victim" mentality. Nobody is putting a gun to my head and forcing me to stay with an abusive partner. What is wrong with me? Why can't I just buck up and ask him to leave already?

My Excuses:

1. I love him
2. We've been together 16 years
3. I know deep down that he loves me
4. He's always shown remorse for his abusive treatment
5. I'm scared as hell
6. I'm emotionally drained and can't find it in me to start the process of ending the marriage
7. I'm so beaten down emotionally that the thought of a breakup is too devastating to imagine
8. I know he will make life difficult for me and again as above, the thought of it is too overwhelming
9. I still have the faintest hope that he will see me as a valuable woman who is worth his respect and care
10. I'm too depressed to take action


I should do this to myself: :club:
But it probably wouldn't help.

People prefer discomfort that is familiar to strange discomfort

 

[Adamridge79]

I was ruined. I also ruined. Psychological states should be considered. The negative is rarely right. If you put all into it, stand tall, and yourself

 

[Adamridge79]

Jesus...Congratulate can't be a word?

 

[theablekingathelstan]

I'm trying very hard not to have the "victim" mentality. Nobody is putting a gun to my head and forcing me to stay with an abusive partner. What is wrong with me? Why can't I just buck up and ask him to leave already?

My Excuses:

1. I love him
2. We've been together 16 years
3. I know deep down that he loves me
4. He's always shown remorse for his abusive treatment
5. I'm scared as hell
6. I'm emotionally drained and can't find it in me to start the process of ending the marriage
7. I'm so beaten down emotionally that the thought of a breakup is too devastating to imagine
8. I know he will make life difficult for me and again as above, the thought of it is too overwhelming
9. I still have the faintest hope that he will see me as a valuable woman who is worth his respect and care
10. I'm too depressed to take action


I should do this to myself: :club:
But it probably wouldn't help.

These are all perfectly normal feelings.
And pretty common in your situation.
It's never as simple as having no physical impediments to leave a person.

 

[TheSkaFish]

I feel like a victim too, but in a different way.

I've always felt like a victim of something or another - not being born with muscles, money, a smart enough brain (especially in math, aka the only subject that actually counts), enough imagination, or enough natural ability at any skill. I always felt like it was genetics, like I just didn't have the genes to be that good at anything. Even as a kid, before I knew the word "genetics" I just thought "you have to be born with it".

Because of that I've always been kind of unhappy.
And since the victim mindset is unattractive, and being unhappy is unattractive, I've always been stuck, which makes me feel like a victim, unhappy, uninterested in anything, and so on. It's a loop.
It always seemed to me like you have to be born superior, otherwise you're probably not going to get anywhere.
And because I felt like I wasn't, I've kind of always given up on life.
I hate my life the way it is, and I'd hate it even more if it got even worse.
But I'm afraid I can't do better either.
But I'm not interested in/hate life, like this.
I hate life like this, but I'm afraid I can't do better, but as long as my life is like this I hate it.
That's another loop.
It's like...I don't have a disability that I'm aware of. It's just that I feel like I don't have enough ability.
I never felt like I had any strong suits/felt bad at everything I ever tried or could think of. I hate this, this feeling that I'm just limited/mediocre/inferior and my life isn't going to be anything because I'm just not good enough. I've always wanted to get free of it.

 

[okidoke]

I feel like a victim too, but in a different way.

I've always felt like a victim of something or another - not being born with muscles, money, a smart enough brain (especially in math, aka the only subject that actually counts), enough imagination, or enough natural ability at any skill. I always felt like it was genetics, like I just didn't have the genes to be that good at anything. Even as a kid, before I knew the word "genetics" I just thought "you have to be born with it".

Because of that I've always been kind of unhappy.
And since the victim mindset is unattractive, and being unhappy is unattractive, I've always been stuck, which makes me feel like a victim, unhappy, uninterested in anything, and so on. It's a loop.
It always seemed to me like you have to be born superior, otherwise you're probably not going to get anywhere.
And because I felt like I wasn't, I've kind of always given up on life.
I hate my life the way it is, and I'd hate it even more if it got even worse.
But I'm afraid I can't do better either.
But I'm not interested in/hate life, like this.
I hate life like this, but I'm afraid I can't do better, but as long as my life is like this I hate it.
That's another loop.
It's like...I don't have a disability that I'm aware of. It's just that I feel like I don't have enough ability.
I never felt like I had any strong suits/felt bad at everything I ever tried or could think of. I hate this, this feeling that I'm just limited/mediocre/inferior and my life isn't going to be anything because I'm just not good enough. I've always wanted to get free of it.

Ska everything you portray about yourself is merely a feeling, not a fact. The only fact is that you believe your genetics is what holds you back and you are sad as a result. There are plenty of people with debilitating physical attributes that have still made something of themselves, because they had a hope, a dream, a desire to achieve happiness. There's no reason you can't do the same with a different attitude. I said similar stuff to you before which you've never responded to, because I'm sure you don't want to face that fact. You just "feel" you don't have ability as you've admitted. You just might need extra practice than others, better tutelage, more resources, but you can achieve any passion or skill that you really want to. You just have to want it bad enough. Yes, you're in a loop, like so many of us, but if the desire is strong enough or the pain/boredom/misery too unbearable to deal with anymore, then there's an opportunity to put in the extra effort to make a real change.

So I responded to you here Ska, but really, this is for anyone dealing with the same sort of challenge. Including myself in some ways. Many of us here are actually victims in some way or another, but remaining to be a victim is completely our choice (unless of course one is being held captive, against one's will, in an inescapable circumstance). We just have to get the mindset to make a decision for change, which, of course, is difficult to do.