Fights - what is your limit?

[Case]

He's staying with his sister for a week and we agreed on no contact. He's coming back a week from tomorrow so we can talk about whether or not we can salvage our relationship. I wrote him a letter about everything and he took it with him so I guess that will help him either understand completely or make him want to be single again. It's so hard because there is a lot of love. This is the hardest thing I've ever done. But I'm not budging on my standards anymore, that's for sure.

I agree that you did the right thing, Pike. Relationships without compromise are not partnerships. They are inter-personal dictatorships. For relationships to evolve, it requires an equal amount of effort, adaptation, and compromise by both parties involved. If only one person bends to accommodate the other, and the other refuses to bend equally, the relationship will break apart.

 

[SofiasMami]

My limit is being personally insulted. When my ex started calling me a *****, the relationship crossed the Rubicon. You can have disagreements without attacking the other person. To do so is a sign of utter contempt and disrespect.
- which are not ways to describe a satisfying relationship.

-Teresa

---

Do take care of yourself over the next few weeks and months and don't be surprised if he tries to rekindle things. Been there, done that. Think carefully, though, about what YOU want for YOURSELF. And keep us updated on how you're doing!

-Teresa

 

[ladyforsaken]

He's staying with his sister for a week and we agreed on no contact. He's coming back a week from tomorrow so we can talk about whether or not we can salvage our relationship. I wrote him a letter about everything and he took it with him so I guess that will help him either understand completely or make him want to be single again. It's so hard because there is a lot of love. This is the hardest thing I've ever done. But I'm not budging on my standards anymore, that's for sure.

I know how difficult it might be but I think you know exactly what you're doing and exactly what you want. Sometimes the things we do and the choices we make hurt us a lot, if only they knew how much we care. Whatever it is, I do wish you all the best and hope this works out for the best for you.

Also, I agree with this, don't forget:

Think carefully, though, about what YOU want for YOURSELF. And keep us updated on how you're doing!

*hugs* hope you feel better soon.

 

[Pike Creek]

Thanks I feel okay today though I miss the closeness, he left me a letter too and there is a lot of regret there. I'm all for reconciliation as long as there is lasting change and growth. I want to our relationship to work, but not as it was. He needs to open up to me and show me some vulnerability instead of keeping the wall of anger up. If he can't get past that fear, it won't work. In the past I've fallen for the "things will change" line and things are great for a few weeks, then back to the same, I don't want to go through that again!

 

[Alma lost her spoon]

Sounds like you have a good sense of what needs to occur in order for things to work Pike, I hope that your bloke has it in him to make the changes necessary to work though things & that it all works out for you both.

 

[Pike Creek]

Update: Thanks again everyone for the support. I guess we didn't wait the whole week, a weekend away was tough enough for us to want to talk again. He came back home today, gave me a long letter with promises and asked for another chance. We talked for hours, made agreements and he told me if ever he loses his temper, to show him the letter he wrote to me because sometimes he can't find the self-control in the moment. He said he realized how selfish and immature he'd been when I put this question to him "Would you rather choose swearing at me over having a relationship with me?" He asked me to help him because he's afraid he will fail again and he doesn't want to lose me and the life we built together. ****, I love the guy you know? I won't put up with verbal abuse from him, but how do you deny someone asking for help back into your life? I don't want to become co-dependent or desperate as I used to be that's for sure. This is a test not only for him, but for me too, to make sure I keep my standards and not back down again. I hope it works. I'm all for reconciliation as long as one or both people keep the promises of change. Thanks everyone again, I give you all the right to tell me "I told you so" if I post this same problem again.

 

[Alma lost her spoon]

Pike, would he consider getting some professional help with his issues perhaps?
From what you've said he admits himself that he has problems & requires help. It might be an idea to consider seeking help & support.

Hope it all works out for you both.

 

[Pike Creek]

Pike, would he consider getting some professional help with his issues perhaps?
From what you've said he admits himself that he has problems & requires help. It might be an idea to consider seeking help & support.

Hope it all works out for you both.

Thanks Alma. Yes, if he had the money, or if I had the money I'd certainly help out, but therapy here isn't free unfortunately and neither of our insurances covers it. He's reading a book about anger management and we talked a lot about how his mother influenced his life badly, he told me stuff I didn't know about him...I'm hoping that this new vulnerability will show him that he can trust me completely and come to me with love instead of bottling up the anger and taking it out on me. I know he talked to his best friend, who has been in a relationship for 13 years now. He gave him some advice and told him not to mess things up again. I too hope it works out

 

[ladyforsaken]

Update: Thanks again everyone for the support. I guess we didn't wait the whole week, a weekend away was tough enough for us to want to talk again. He came back home today, gave me a long letter with promises and asked for another chance. We talked for hours, made agreements and he told me if ever he loses his temper, to show him the letter he wrote to me because sometimes he can't find the self-control in the moment. He said he realized how selfish and immature he'd been when I put this question to him "Would you rather choose swearing at me over having a relationship with me?" He asked me to help him because he's afraid he will fail again and he doesn't want to lose me and the life we built together. ****, I love the guy you know? I won't put up with verbal abuse from him, but how do you deny someone asking for help back into your life? I don't want to become co-dependent or desperate as I used to be that's for sure. This is a test not only for him, but for me too, to make sure I keep my standards and not back down again. I hope it works. I'm all for reconciliation as long as one or both people keep the promises of change. Thanks everyone again, I give you all the right to tell me "I told you so" if I post this same problem again.

Well you of all people would know what is best to be done. I only wish you all the best and hope this time things are better. At least you have boundaries set and promises made.... you'll know exactly what to do when they get broken. Good luck, Pike.

 

[Pike Creek]

Well you of all people would know what is best to be done. I only wish you all the best and hope this time things are better. At least you have boundaries set and promises made.... you'll know exactly what to do when they get broken. Good luck, Pike.

I appreciate your response, thanks. I know my limits now, so does he. And finally I know his.

 

[Ymir]

I'm glad things worked out well and I wish you good luck with whatever comes next

 

[Pike Creek]

I'm glad things worked out well and I wish you good luck with whatever comes next

Thanks, time will tell!