Friends first or not?

[oopsiedoop]

[Its not until they get to know me that they then look at me in a different light. ]The bonded portion is what changes the context. You held no romantic interest, initially. By the time you became romantically interested. The friendship was already established. Therefore, even if a girl had no feelings for you she couldn't say that first. Men and women can only say that they would rather be friends first if they are around a person they just met.

If a girl has no feelings for you, in a way you're right she couldn't say it first, because she doesn't even know you, so clearly she has no feelings for you. I agree with that. But she could say it. I guess my wat was the "therefore". Yes, we are talking about being friends FIRST -- around a person you just met, in other words, obviously signified by the word "first", not someone you're fuking and all of a sudden say, "hey you want to be friends". That's what friends FIRST means. So that was the other part of my wat. But clearly there were so many I just didn't understand what you were saying so I just said wat.

 

[Sprint]

I can't plan to like someone.. lol. I have to be friends first and it either happens or it doesn't.

Exactly!

 

[jjam]

I do the "friends first" thing because I want to feel confident that she and I will stand the test of time. If we can't be friends and show each other that there is so much more to us than just romance, then I don't want it. I decided long ago that while I may not be in complete control over it, I will fight (have been fighting) to avoid being the guy who is split from the mother of his child and only gets to see his child on the weekend (if at all).

Sometimes I think I'm going to have to take a risk on someone or else I'll remain single for the rest of my life, but after what I recently experienced I feel like I can't do it. Gotta go through that long process! As much as I want a romantic, unbreakable relationship, I know that not everyone's on the same page as me about being determined to be unbreakable. So, yeah... Lots and lots and lots of observations! Lots and lots and lots of communication and spending time! In working towards the friendhsip, I WANT us to make mistakes because I want to see how we'll handle them. Do we seek forgiveness from each other or do we just say "**** it" and cease contacting each other...

See, I know a lot of people are out here looking for "sparks" and **** like that. Kudos to those who kept together something that a spark started, but I have to wonder how many people last that way.

 

[Okiedokes]

See, I know a lot of people are out here looking for "sparks" and **** like that. Kudos to those who kept together something that a spark started, but I have to wonder how many people last that way.

Yeah... Very good point.

 

[oopsiedoop]

Maybe I was too irritated working out the grammar in the last post I responded to to glean something others might have (or maybe this is in my head). But sparkly things in a relationship have to be in more than one area, and there can't be an area that's important to you that's mud. What I mean is that the phenomenon of bonding, though real and even crucial, maybe, comes from the fact that you actually LIKE enough about the person to spend the time to bond with them. It just makes sense to me to see if that's there before going gaga over one or two aspects of someone only to find out that they, like, kill puppies in their spare time, or, well, clearly I'm exaggerating but whatever -- they spend every spare minute watching sports and you want someone to go to museums with even though they DID treat you to an ice cream cone and they are sooo cute.

 

[AFrozenSoul]

Why would it be more? It communicates the idea effectively. Were you expecting poetic prose?

I expect people to support their claims. By making one sentence. You are just saying something to say something. Shows you don't think through your responses.

If a girl has no feelings for you, in a way you're right she couldn't say it first, because she doesn't even know you, so clearly she has no feelings for you. I agree with that. But she could say it. I guess my wat was the "therefore". Yes, we are talking about being friends FIRST -- around a person you just met, in other words, obviously signified by the word "first", not someone you're fuking and all of a sudden say, "hey you want to be friends". That's what friends FIRST means. So that was the other part of my wat. But clearly there were so many I just didn't understand what you were saying so I just said wat.

You are missing my point. A man or woman can only make the requirement of being friends first if someone makes a romantic advance at them. If you are already friends before the romantic advance is made. Then there is no need for such a statement.

As a man, I only ever approach and purposefully meet women who I have a romantic interest in. I am not some guy who goes out looking for female friends. Those are made as a side-effect of interactions with others. So like I said, the "Let's be friends first " is an easy nice way to reject someone. Because becoming friends is a relative thing. You can know someone for 12 hours and consider them a good friend. Or you can know someone for 5 years and consider them just above an acquaintance. It is all relative. Plus it invalidates the authenticity of the friendship. If one party is clearly just trying to clear a hurdle.

Really this is a most despicable act. After all, a person could want to be cautious and back off. Then when they try again a few months down the road. Said intended target can simply say "Oh, I did not know you still felt that way" and reject them. Or you can keep flirting while going through this friendship phase and said target can say "I think you are just in it for the relationship" Either way that side is absolved of all responsibility.

Unless you see all the members of the opposite gender who are your friends as potential mates. Then you cannot claim this as a standard. In order for this to be a standard it has to be on your mind. If something just happens then it is not really a standard. Because who is to say that it would not have happened if you were never friends.