Getting Over Vanity

[AFrozenSoul]

I have noticed that I really take after my father in the respect of vanity. In myself, as it is the cause of my self-hatred, but more so in women.

It is to the point where, I cannot even really appreciate women unless I have some kind of sexual attraction to them. There have been many instances where I ask a girl for a photo, and once I see her I stop talking to her. Even women who I spent the better part of the year pen palling with in college. Once I saw them I said... nope not hot not worth my time, and sort of let them go.

I justify my feelings with a number of different excuses. But in the end this is why I have only ever had one female in my life, and why I am on the verge of losing her... different thread.

How can I get over my own vanity?

 

[PoWer2tHePeOpLE]

if you do really want to change.. change your focus. move your consciousness away from your genitals and try and expand yourself to other forms of being and experience.

first 'practical' step would be to become aware of your thoughts, monitor them and challenge them by supplanting them with different thoughts.

 

[CAS]

That isn't vanity my friend. That is superficiality. Get yourself a dictionary.

 

[h i]

troublesome.
sounds lie you want a trophy wife.
but... you got to earn her... just like you have to win a trophy.
so is she really going to like you, or like what you are?
if you lose what you are, what you have, what people think of you, think youll still have her?
thats all i got.
i dont have the trophy wife syndrome.

 

[AFrozenSoul]

@PoWer2tHePeOpLE: Other forms like what? I try and monitor my thoughts, but in the end I can only monitor them. The only other things I can think about are things that have nothing to do with emotions.

@h i: That is the question I ask myself. Is a very attractive girl really going to like me for who I am? As well as do I deserve her?

 

[Badjedidude]

Haha I never had the trophy wife problem because I'm not hot, rich, or charismatic. So when a girl is with me, I'm fairly certain it's because she likes me.

----Steve

 

[AFrozenSoul]

@Badjedidude: Trust me I am not hot or charismatic.. I am not poor but not rich. My problem focuses around if the girl is not attractive enough I don't give her a chance.

 

[CAS]

If it's making you feel strongly enough to come on here and write about it, ******* do something about it. If not, stop complaining. There are people with worse things to worry about.

******* hell if your biggest problem in life is that you're attracted to good looking women, you're a lot better off than most.

 

[kelbo]

@Badjedidude: Trust me I am not hot or charismatic.. I am not poor but not rich. My problem focuses around if the girl is not attractive enough I don't give her a chance.

Perhaps you should:
1) Make a mental note of the fact you are not perfect. Neither is anyone else.
2) Make an effort to talk to girls who you wouldn't usually give a chance - and actually try and find things about them that you like...anything!
3) Give yourself a break. The more you build this up and label this as something the worse it'll get I can imagine.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

hahahahah...

It's not vanity or you wanting a trophy wife.

It's fear...man. Fear is cunning and baffling.

You're afraid of pussy...(OK maybe a little over the top.)
You're afraid of being a man whore ????

To answer your question...
Start having sex with those women. Allow yourself. You don't need my premission or any else.
Screw guilt....that too runs deep.

There's nothing wrong with beinng attracted to beautiful women...Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder.

It's the samething a woman saying she's waiting the perfect man to come into her life..whatever the hell her list of qulifications are.

 

[AFrozenSoul]

@CAS: This is just one of many problems. I know this is one problem that leads to my depression, makes me feel like less of a person. I can understand that it is a small problem compared to those who are dying from disease or have some other disorder. I know this is a small problem compared to my depression and suicidal tendencies. But my depression is a bunch of smaller problems. If I can tackle one then I can be one step closer to handling the bigger problem. I was just asking for advice on how I can see people as people...

@kelbo: Point number 3 confuses me what exactly do you mean?

@Lonesome Crow: Are you my dad...? Seriously, my dad would say the same thing if I came to him with this problem.

Yes I am afraid... afraid of becoming my dad. A selfish low-life who uses people for all they are worth then discards them. Hell the only reason he even tries to contact me is because he wants to cling to the belief he had something to do with where I am now. How do I over come my fear I guess is the question?

Like I said I just feel like a crappy person for following my genetic purgative to create genetically superior and aesthetically superior children. I guess it is kind of like trying to cure someone of homosexuality. It just can't be done... well not without brainwashing and lots of pain on the individuals part.

 

[Badjedidude]

@kelbo: Point number 3 confuses me what exactly do you mean?

I think she was just saying that if you dwell too much on your problems, they can overwhelm you and begin to take over your life. You can't ignore problems, but you can't focus on them, either. That's all kelbo was sayin, I think.

----Steve

 

[Lonesome Crow]

NO...I'm not your dad but I'm old enough to be.
I don't have low self-esteem.

Why in the hell do you feel so damn guilty for being attracted to certain types of women?
Becuase you're afriad somebody is going to think or say you're fucken shallow???? give me a fucken break.

You don't give women enough credit...I'm pretty sure a beautiful woman is capiable of telling you to go **** yourself.
Her goal in life is not to massage your fucken brain. And I'm pretty positive a mature woman is not going
to get hung up when I **** her brains out. She's not going to use sex or her love for something I haVE to earn.

You're just making excuses becuase you're afriad, Beautiful women scars the living **** out of you..becuase they're alot more intelligent than you think.
it's just your self limitations, guilt, fears and shame preventing you from living a life you want to live.

 

[PoWer2tHePeOpLE]

lol LC.. is this what this is about afs? you wanting to 'land a hot chick?' and being scared, ashamed and feeling guilty that that is what you want?

if that's the case then good luck penetrating the awe-inspiring veneer that is beauty.

otherwise, what i said earlier.. and what are you supposed to exchange your thoughts to? idk.. tractors?

what i can't help thinking about is the girls that you befriend and then 'slowly sever' the relationship when you discover she's not 'all that'..

for their sake, why don't you ask for a photo upfront so you don't waste their time..

 

[cheaptrickfan]

@h i: That is the question I ask myself. Is a very attractive girl really going to like me for who I am? As well as do I deserve her?

What gets me about this statement is the word "deserve." Physical beauty in a person does not make them inherently more valuable as a person or a partner. Would you want a drop-dread gorgeous woman on your arm if she were a harpy from hell on the inside? Is how she looks all that matters to you? Is it that other men can then look at you and wonder what makes you so special?

If that is the case, then good luck in the territory of relationships. You can't build a real one on something as superficial as the veneer of beauty (to plagiarize from P2p)

Yes I am afraid... afraid of becoming my dad. A selfish low-life who uses people for all they are worth then discards them. Hell the only reason he even tries to contact me is because he wants to cling to the belief he had something to do with where I am now. How do I over come my fear I guess is the question?

This self-awareness is a good thing. You've stated what you do not want to be. In your original post you said:

It is to the point where, I cannot even really appreciate women unless I have some kind of sexual attraction to them. There have been many instances where I ask a girl for a photo, and once I see her I stop talking to her. Even women who I spent the better part of the year pen palling with in college. Once I saw them I said... nope not hot not worth my time, and sort of let them go.

Now, we each have our preferences when it comes to being attracted to someone else. I am not going to say try to change that, but you are limiting women's role in your life to exclusively a sexual one. You aren't really alone there. Some men just don't have female friends.

Now if you want to change this tendency toward superficiality (I think is it, not vanity), my suggestion is to find a female friend. Just talk to her, get to know her, who she is beyond the physical. I'd say even talk to a girl who is not what you are attracted to and just get to know her. I am not saying that this will mean you are going to magically fall in love with her, but it may make inroads in how you view women in your life.

There is nothing wrong with being attracted by beauty, but I really think that having that as the only criterion is bound to disappoint everyone.

Good luck.

You don't give women enough credit...I'm pretty sure a beautiful woman is capiable of telling you to go **** yourself.

This might be the first sensible thing you've said in this thread, LC.

The answer to every problem is not necessarily:

Start having sex with those women.

 

[AFrozenSoul]

@Badjedidude: Ah OK, yeah makes sense, thanks for clarifying that for me.

@Lonesome Crow: The moral of the story is to get over myself? You are right though. Females in general do scare me. Whether they are hot or not. Any advice on how to overcome this fear?

@PoWer2tHePeOpLE: Yes and no, this is about me feeling bad that I cannot really attach myself to a girl unless she is attractive. And my very high standards of physical beauty and how to overcome them.

Why bother ever talking to girls again? I obviously don't know what I am doing, and I am to far gone to learn. I can just come here and cry when I get lonely.

cheaptrickfan: So I guess another way of looking at it is to figure out exactly what I want before I dwell on stuff like this? Because I cannot really say what I want other then sex. Then again I can't know what I want until I experience something.... I don't know.

 

[cheaptrickfan]

cheaptrickfan: So I guess another way of looking at it is to figure out exactly what I want before I dwell on stuff like this? Because I cannot really say what I want other then sex. Then again I can't know what I want until I experience something.... I don't know.

Well, in your own words:

How can I get over my own vanity?

So you must want to do something differently, otherwise what was the point of this thread?

Do you want to see women as anything other than a sexual companion?

So yeah, you have to decide what it is you're trying to do here.

 

[jbates]

No one should feel bad when they say a large portion of their taste in a potential other is influenced by looks. This is completely natural and instinctual, in fact this is actually the way we are supposed to be breeding according to natural law...

Because of this instinct it is very important that significant others be at least somewhat physically attracted to one another. Without this there isn't much motivation to push forward early on in a relationship. Being attracted to one another makes you more enthusiastic for the intimate moments, and those intimate moments help a relationship grow past the early stage.

Ultimately it is pretty important that you be attracted to your potential other. Of course it is only part of it and plays a minor roll when first approaching that potential other. After this it is a matter of learning about each other and enjoying each other.

I know that some guys have problems commiting based on looks because they feel as soon as they are latched down something even more physically attractive may come along. This is a form of insecurity. You have to be able to take the risk and commit if you want to discover anything about yourself from a relationship P.O.V

If you're still young, you're probably just being driven by libido. If that's the case don't be so worried, it'll calm with age. Eventually you'll start to see sex as a vessel for communicating intimacy, it may even lose it's current lustre completely. When that happens you'll begin to appreciate simple company and other things overshadowed by sex at an early age.

 

[PoWer2tHePeOpLE]

the power of beauty..

"what gives you the right to look her up and down"

if you're talking about physical aesthetics and it's messing with your head, don't look. i don't mean sow your eyes shut, but at the simplest level reduce the frequency of exposure. so if you're outside and there is a gorgeous girl, ignore her like you would an irritating commercial.

what's 'high standards of beauty" ? would Claudia Shaffther be a let down if she had a tooth missing?

you're not 'too far gone' to learn. like ctf pointed out you have a desire to change and learn a different way if you are not comfortable with the way you are now. in my view that is a good thing, it shows that you have a conscience and an opportunity to strip away layers of illusion. get closer to your essence.

it's only physical beauty. it fades for everyone. except maybe Cher.. she gets younger all the time.

 

[AFrozenSoul]

cheaptrickfan: I do it is just hard to work past the sex part. That is all I have seen my whole life....

jbates : So just go with the flow and the problem will fix itself? Provided of course I can actually go out and find a. mate. Which with my current attitude does not seem likely

PoWer2tHePeOpLE: It is hard to ignore girls I find attractive, but I will try.

I just need to get over myself. That is what it feels like e everyone is saying.