Hating my Best Friends Girlfriend

[jaguarundi]

I have to say this. Are you sure that your main problem here isn't jealousy.

Not that you are in love with the guy and want him for yourself, just jealous that you have been - downgraded - as it were by his relationship.

The fact that you don't like the woman, and that she may be wary and a bit jealous of you in return just makes it all worse.

You can choose to throw away friendship any time you want. Trouble is if you do this every time a friendship hits a bump, you might end up having no friends at all. Which is fine of course if you are happy that way.

The older I get the harder it can be to make new friends - true friends I mean, not mere acquaintances. So the more I value and want to preserve the ones I have. But that's me.

 

[RockerChick]

I have to say this. Are you sure that your main problem here isn't jealousy.

Positive. The issue is not their relationship. The issue is she felt it was okay to basically cuss me out over the phone and as my friend, he allowed that to happen. THAT is the issue. As I get older, I realize there is a certain level of respect that everyone deserves. And I have no problem dropping friends that don't adhere to basic respecting of the people around you.

 

[will normal]

When it comes to a situation such as having someone cussing you out for what I presume is NO reason, you definitely need to talk to both parties. If someone is cussing you out, then there has to be some sort of jealousy in there or else there wouldn't be any lashing whatsoever. Then again, I'm one of those guys that can not stand those that live in any form of jealousy as I'm a believer in having an open mind. Regardless, you deserve to be respected (and to be heard. You have a voice. Use it) and if neither one can show you that respect, then that's when the axe needs to be delivered.

 

[RockerChick]

Solivagant, somehow I missed your post. Sorry about that! I do agree with you on most of your points. No she doesn't know me at all. Yes she should want their intimacy to stay between them. I get that and of course as just a friend, my views are different than hers. But I can appreciate her view in that degree. When I say I don't judge, what I meant was of course I have opinions about things, but I would never say "she's terrible in bed so I hate her" or "she's a brunette, I hate brunettes". Not really how I operate. My judgments come from personalities and actions towards me. Those are the things that matter to me. I should have clarified that part about making judgments.

All in all, I see your points. And until she cussed me out over a conversation she wasn't involved in or invited in, I thought she was nice enough.

Also, I do want to mention 2 years ago I watched my friend go from being a very involved father, 6 figure job and great husband to his wife divorcing him which caused him to not be able to be an involved father, fired from his job for missing work from all the mediations and attorney meetings, cashed in not just his savings but his 401k (80,000 dollars) to fight for what little time the courts did grant him custody. It depleted him as a person. He's been through a lot. I feel bad for him. And he tried dating for a year, every girl turned him down. This one didn't so he holds on to that relationship because he's terrified to be alone. As an outsider I see so much of his ex wife in this girl. I do not say much to him (well I did chew his ass for letting her cuss me out) but I see where this is going. But! I'm only his friend. That's it. So all I can so is sit back and watch. But that doesn't mean she gets to talk to me any which way.

Eh, crappy situation. Easily solvable by backing off the friendship. Because she already has said I intimidate her I feel that it's best for their relationship anyway.

 

[will normal]

A friend and a best friend to me are two entirely different entities. Even so, you didn't deserve the lashing you got. You retaliated so for that, I applaud you. You did what you have to do.

If backing off is what's best, then you're doing the right thing. I'll tell you what though. If another lashing ends up happening and he lets this happen again, I wouldn't deal with them ever again and just turn the blind eye because if neither one (especially your male friend) can't see the value in you on a whole, then it's time to move on and deal with those who will put the time and effort into you and appreciate you for who are. Maybe I'm going off the deep end but I'm just saying.

 

[choxie]

She refused to have sex with him for over 6 months, but they did dry hump (yes, they did. Don't worry, I shake my head at that too).

Why? Some people decide to wait for a variety of reasons...is that wrong?

 

[RockerChick]

Choxie no it's not "wrong". Doesn't matter what I say here. You're on the defense.

 

[choxie]

Choxie no it's not "wrong". Doesn't matter what I say here. You're on the defense.

No, Rockerchick, I actually agree with you, I would be extremely angry if my friend's new girlfriend screamed/cussed at me on the phone while I was having a phone conversation. That's incredibly rude and aggravating. But in a previous relationship, my partner and I abstained because he had intimacy issues (trauma from a past relationship) and reproductive issues (medical problems), I just hope no one would shake their heads at that. So perhaps she has something else going on in that regard. It's ok for you to be upset at this situation, I think most people would. I think giving your friendship space would be a good idea, for your happiness' sake.

 

[painter's radio]

She's jealous and threatened by you. The two of you (you and her) need to spend time together without him being there and you can get to know each other and show her that you are not a threat to their relationship.

Well that's in a perfect world, but someone is always too immature or afraid to make things work

I've actually lost a female friend before because my then girlfriend was being an *******. It's a big regret in my life that I didn't "man up" myself and let her do that. I was weak and didn't want the arguing so I let the friend go. She wasn't my best friend (grown ups don't have those!) but she was still a friend and it was ****** of me not to stand up for her. Maybe this friend of yours will learn the hard way like I did.

 

[Case]

RC's problem is similar to why I am estranged from my brother and sister-in-law.

When my car broke down, my brother agreed to drive me to the repair shop so I could pick up my car. But when I arrived at his house, he said, "She won't let me go. I have to take care of the baby." "She" was his wife... my sister-in-law. After trying to reason with her, she completely ignored me. When I persisted, she began screaming at me incoherently, she physically attacked me with slaps and punches, and finally, she fell into a catatonic state of uncontrollable crying and mumbled about getting a divorce and taking her child back to Vietnam, her home country. While my brother was now dealing with his wife's total meltdown, I left the house and had to walk to the repair shop to pick up my car.

Ever since, I have had almost no relationship with my brother or my nieces.

Despite the fact she instigated the situation, she feels that I am solely to blame. She had also sent me the most angry and insulting texts anyone has ever sent to me. In a huge way, she has come between me and my brother and my nieces. She is selfish, petulant, juvenile, unreasonable, and controlling. My brother is too scared to confront her for fear of more talk of divorce. But none of that matters to me. I will not have anything to do with her. If that means I have no relationship with my brother and his children, so be it. I can hope for a day when she chooses to get the help she so obviously needs.

In response to RockerChick, I agree with letting go of the friendship for now. Until your friend is able to stand up to his gf, you don't need her drama in your life. I feel for you.

 

[VanillaCreme]

In hindsight, I feel like him not expressing anything at all is the wrong way to handle it. He doesn't need to defend me, he needs to defend himself. Your partner should never snatch a phone out of your hand. Ever. It is disrespectful, it shows a lack of trust and it shows what your worth is to her. I feel that he should advise her that that behavior is unacceptable. They have been dating 6 months. This is new. Now is the time to set boundaries like that. It makes me sad to see him being a doormat.

The issue is she felt it was okay to basically cuss me out over the phone and as my friend, he allowed that to happen. THAT is the issue. As I get older, I realize there is a certain level of respect that everyone deserves. And I have no problem dropping friends that don't adhere to basic respecting of the people around you.

The thing about it is... If he's okay with allowing her to do that, then he won't say anything. I'm not saying that you're wrong, Rocker, to feel the way you do. In fact, you're a good one because I would have lost a friend due to the fact that I wouldn't have kept my mouth shut to the girlfriend. If he doesn't see an issue with being a "doormat" to her, then he's not going to do anything about it. Now, if he tells you down the road that he doesn't like some of the things she does, rather than tell him "I told you so," try to understand why he hasn't said anything to her about her behavior now.

He is your friend, but he's just that. He's probably going to allow her to do things to him or his property that he probably wouldn't allow a friend to do.

 

[RockerChick]

Happy Tuesday ALL!!! Sorry I was MIA this weekend. Holiday weekend and all Lot's o' pool time. So I'm catching up on this thread. Here is what I got!

But in a previous relationship, my partner and I abstained because he had intimacy issues (trauma from a past relationship) and reproductive issues (medical problems), I just hope no one would shake their heads at that. So perhaps she has something else going on in that regard.

I don't think waiting is wrong. I shake my head at this because in all aspects of their relationship, she is proving to handle things as if she is 18, not 30. Abstaining is her personal choice, for no reason other than inexperience. I guess I shouldn't shake my head. But I do.

I've actually lost a female friend before because my then girlfriend was being an *******. It's a big regret in my life that I didn't "man up" myself and let her do that. I was weak and didn't want the arguing so I let the friend go. She wasn't my best friend (grown ups don't have those!) but she was still a friend and it was ****** of me not to stand up for her. Maybe this friend of yours will learn the hard way like I did.

You are right. Adults do not have "Best Friends". Never thought of it that way. But he is one of my closest in-state friends. And your situation as you describe above mirrors mine, and it makes me feel sad for my friend.

When I persisted, she began screaming at me incoherently, she physically attacked me with slaps and punches, and finally, she fell into a catatonic state of uncontrollable crying and mumbled about getting a divorce and taking her child back to Vietnam, her home country. While my brother was now dealing with his wife's total meltdown, I left the house and had to walk to the repair shop to pick up my car.

Dude, this is a harsh situation. I cannot believe he allowed his wife to put her hands on you. Clearly there are some issues there, and I don't blame you for losing the relationship with your family. Sometimes it's just not worth the drama. And that level of drama is juvenile and stressful.

The thing about it is... If he's okay with allowing her to do that, then he won't say anything. I'm not saying that you're wrong, Rocker, to feel the way you do. In fact, you're a good one because I would have lost a friend due to the fact that I wouldn't have kept my mouth shut to the girlfriend. If he doesn't see an issue with being a "doormat" to her, then he's not going to do anything about it. Now, if he tells you down the road that he doesn't like some of the things she does, rather than tell him "I told you so," try to understand why he hasn't said anything to her about her behavior now.

He is your friend, but he's just that. He's probably going to allow her to do things to him or his property that he probably wouldn't allow a friend to do.

I think you are right. And I did bite my tongue in a big way, because she is his girlfriend. But as I told him, that was her one pass. I try not to exude anger, yelling, or any of that behavior that is no longer prevalent in my life.


Either way, I went and got a pedicure with him Friday then we grabbed a burger afterwards and we briefly talked about it. She is still standing firm that she had the right to react that way. He is stuck between a rock and a hard place. Obviously he is not sticking up to me, nor her. Eh, it sucks, but I'm backing off. I pretty much agree with everyone. Things are less likely to be dramatic with her not in my life.

 

[VanillaCreme]

I'd back off too. Because neither one of them want to act like they have any sense. Be nice, be friendly, all that good stuff. As far as the girlfriend goes, I'd ignore her. If she does it again, tell her that she's got a man to scream at if she wants to yell at someone, and that you're not the one she can talk to that way.

Best of luck.