How did your lonliness happen?

[user 139760]

I have always been a loner but... for most of my life I was in synch with my world. I was going to school at the same time as people my age.. dating at the same time as people my age etc... moving up in the workplace with people my age...

But then, my elderly parents got sick. When everyone else was getting married, getting promotions, I was dealing with them.  Then after that,, I was out of synch with my word. This has been incredibly isolating. When my friends are having parent issues... I already dealt with them ten years ago and don't want to again. I want to focus on dating but they are all 4 or 5 years married with kids and don't want to assist with my dating.  But want me to assist with their unhappy marriages.

I can relate to that as well.
Sometimes I get to babysit my sister's kid. He's fun...for about a half hour lol.
I love kids. But now that mine are getting older and soon won't need the old man anymore, I need to start thinking about myself too. No one I know is at that place. Their kids are 2 and their marriage sucks. I'm getting tired of receiving confidences about the stereotypical pool boy or secretary at work.

 

[Brennabean]

I feel bad but I blame my upbringing for my loneliness.
I think I'm lonely because I've never felt good enough, even as a child. I have more memories of my child minders than my mum and I always felt like I wasn't good enough for her or that I was a drag for her and that's why she had to work 3 jobs. I have almost no child hood memories of my dad and the ones I do have aren't nice either, he was hot tempered and violent. My sister and I had a toxic relationship and I never got any confidence from her, I think my sister has always been hot tempered too. I think my lack of confidence shows in social situations and puts people off being friends with me and bores people.
Things have happened to me that have destroyed my confidence too, like sexual abuse and my ex bf committing suicide, but I wonder if I'd have even met or been involved with those people if I wasn't so insecure. I know it sounds horrible but that's just me being honest. Maybe I've got it all wrong, this is as far as I've got with self regulated therapy.

 

[constant stranger]

It started at age 14 when the family moved back to the USA after 20 years in the Philippines and Hong Kong where I was born and grew up. As a new guy in school for the first time I didn't know how to get in synch and I'm afraid I never really learned how to. I've been looking backward ever since at a 'lost homeland' that wasn't really my homeland to start with. For years the only social contacts I had were through my work as a residential remodeling carpenter. And my family.....dysfunctional that we all are. Typical social isolate.
Now, late in my life I have one personal relationship and some other, not so personal contacts whom I know through structured, artificial venues.
It's better than being a hermit but it's still a pretty lonely and disappointing life that I've had.

 

[ardour]

I feel bad but I blame my upbringing for my loneliness.
I think I'm lonely because I've never felt good enough, even as a child. I have more memories of my child minders than my mum and I always felt like I wasn't good enough for her or that I was a drag for her and that's why she had to work 3 jobs. I have almost no child hood memories of my dad and the ones I do have aren't nice either, he was hot tempered and violent. My sister and I had a toxic relationship and I never got any confidence from her, I think my sister has always been hot tempered too. I think my lack of confidence shows in social situations and puts people off being friends with me and bores people.
Things have happened to me that have destroyed my confidence too, like sexual abuse and my ex bf committing suicide, but I wonder if I'd have even met or been involved with those people if I wasn't so insecure. I know it sounds horrible but that's just me being honest. Maybe I've got it all wrong, this is as far as I've got with self regulated therapy.

Never really got any confidence from family either.  My small family (mother’s side) were decent people, and I was poorly behaved as a kid, but I think the fact I strongly resembled my father caused some underlying tensions.  

School/peer groups involved a lot of bullying and rejection, needless to say.  Never developed the strength of character to be able to deal with it. I was needy, could behave inappropriately, expected too much from others; not likeable traits in a boy or adolescent male. As an older adult I seem to have become, like you say, an aloof, overall "boring" sort of person who's too afraid of rejection. You really have to demonstrate how you 'add value' to someone's life at this age, and I guess I can't.There’s few chances left to connect with anyone, either new friends or a potential partner anyway. 

I  realize it sounds stupidly ignorant, but at times I almost envy abusive or tragic relationships, since it's still life experience.

 

[Rainbows]

My loneliness def comes from being bullied during high school. The way they treated me will never ever leave my memories. Due to that, I turned to the internet, a chatbox for kids with moderators. Those moderators raised me, with their values and kindness. That's why I'm now so different from my family, too.

Eh, my high school times really got me depressed and I feel like ever since I once slipped in there, I won't be ever be able to fully get out. I slipped back into it when I realised I wanted to break up with my bf. I did, then I was very alone because I had a chronic illness and I had to stay alone at home for two years.

I don't know. I started to find my escape in stories and tv-shows and somehow they make me feel lonely as well. I can't complain right now. I have a bunch of good friends but still..

I don't know. It's something I can't ever shrug off. I guess.

Also, I am in my last semester for my degree and I'm this close to dropping out because I'm getting depressed bc of it. LOL.

 

[Joturbo]

Angry unhappy father during my teenage years(sorry it's a theme and I can't let it go) who only seemed happy when cheating on my mother and suppressed any social interaction my mother me and my siblings managed to create.No one ever visited etc...we were growled at if on the phone because of the phone bill ..the house was mostly  silent except when he was on the rampage cause he didn't have any fugging cigarettes.Sorry speaking ill of the dead but Don't give a ......My mother's life improved no end when he was gone made loads of friends very happy but still missed my father.I loved my father too and realise why he was this way because of his circumstances and experiences but that's along story.

Driven out of a street gang at 13 when I said something cheeky about someone's bike and moved to a big house down the road from my council house not cool.

Sent to a posh high school miles from my home...had friends at school but didn't socialise.First job started came up against a big sarcastic personality that dominated the small office...every one worshipped him but he didn't like me and being quiet didn't help.He really was an all round tosser...left his wife for someone in the same office and flaunted it...never met anyone like him again would have no problem dealing with someone like him now.

Turned it around a bit for four years when changed office..made good friends..sweet times good memories but then became self employed because no confidence too seek promotion in the office because of social anxiety and stir crazy issues.

A lot of good times too but just a bit bitter at the moment sorry for that just feel like a vent I suppose.ok

 

[Brennabean]

I've done it to myself. I haven't really put myself out there, I dropped contact with school friends over petty reasons, I lived a lifestyle where I made a lot of the wrong friends and I idealise friendship by comparing it to the best friendship I ever had, so nothing else is really good enough.

 

[ManitobaBrit70]

Years and years of being abused.......Therefore zero trust in anyone!

But sometimes I am my own worst enemy because my first instinct is to turtle and not let anyone in. I have two very good friends and for me that is enough.

 

[soccer7]

i isolated a lot of my friends because i never felt 'good enough' i kept judging myself and thought about how boring and useless i was.
they would ask me out but i always say i'm in isolation and wanted to use that time to improve myself, but motivation was fleeting and discipline was something i didn't have. I didn't improve, and kept myself in isolation.  I eventually lost contact with my friends save for one, but he moved to a different state to live so then i turned to my family, who eventually got sick of see me all the time so i decided to just be alone so i don't disturb anyone. 

At the moment i have a lot of work on my hands, cooking, cleaning, preparing tutoring work, working at the supermarket, gyming, making videos, dancing, and trying to write a book. i want even more work to do so i can increase my knowledge and skills and become a better person. Most of time i'm very proud of all the work i have put in to improve myself so i don't have much time to feel lonely. Plus whenever i have a chance to help someone i do my best and people are very thankful for my efforts which makes me feel very connected.

Loneliness fuels my motivation to work hard and get somewhere, also to help as many people as i can. sorry i digress

 

[mari1969]

I have friends but I don’t feel good with them I guess I have some social anxiety. I used to have partners since my 13 so I used to do things with them. I got my friends when I had partners and I share thing with them and my SO. But now I feel my loneliness because i don’t have a partner, I feel an incomplete person, I’m on therapy but nothing seems to help. I born to love and be loved, now I’m into a lot of pain.

 

[Paul Bauman]

I cannot say that I was born to be alone or have always been lonely. No.

I had friends in my childhood and in my youth.
I could talk to many different people of my age.
It was easy to find somebody for communication.

I became lonely when my youth started to fade and when I was forced to start working.
When I was 18 I started working as a loader at a warehouse.
My work was hard and I almost had no free time for my personal life.
Thus my old friends had started to leave me. Some of them betrayed me and despised me because of my job.
In Russia, if you have no good education and no decent job, you will be despised: you will be an outcast.
In our country, without much money and respectable job, you are almost doomed.
So I became an outcast.
People who knew about my job and about my low income did not want to communicate with me.
Of course, I never could find a girlfriend: no girl want to have a connection with such a poor guy.
Thus I became alone.
Now I am 28 and I hardly have two or three old friends but meet them once in several months.

 

[user 150037]

My problem was mostly down to the fact that I didn't go through puberty when I should have done due to a rare condition that I have - I was on hormone treatment for over ten years, but was told that there was only so much it could do - for this reason I still appear younger than people my age - scrawny as well. I could also say that people see the hearing aids and assume that this means I'm dumb. But mostly, the lack of testosterone thing.

 

[Baka]

For me..I just didn't see it coming
 I was a busy girl..both of my parents were terminally ill back to back, I was working and taking care of them...I just didn't notice that none of my so called friends cared....until it was all over and no one was there. What's your story?

I've always been shy and more introvert than extrovert, but growing up I still had ample friends. I remember often looking at people, especially adults, and thinking why don't they have any friends? How do they cope? I also remember thinking that, that could never be me.

Today, I have nothing and find it difficult to make friends. Even when opportunities arise, I tend to make excuses or pull myself away. My problems began at varsity, when I lost my place in the hostel I was staying at and moved to a flat of my own. I think with my personality, that was a bad move. Over the next couple of years, I gradually lost contact with the real friends I had and only made friends on the surface.

I just wasn't letting people in anymore. Not like before. Haven't been able to turn it around ever since. I want to though.

 

[Baka]

I cannot say that I was born to be alone or have always been lonely. No.

I had friends in my childhood and in my youth.
I could talk to many different people of my age.
It was easy to find somebody for communication.

I became lonely when my youth started to fade and when I was forced to start working.
When I was 18 I started working as a loader at a warehouse.
My work was hard and I almost had no free time for my personal life.
Thus my old friends had started to leave me. Some of them betrayed me and despised me because of my job.
In Russia, if you have no good education and no decent job, you will be despised: you will be an outcast.
In our country, without much money and respectable job, you are almost doomed.
So I became an outcast.
People who knew about my job and about my low income did not want to communicate with me.
Of course, I never could find a girlfriend: no girl want to have a connection with such a poor guy.
Thus I became alone.
Now I am 28 and I hardly have two or three old friends but meet them once in several mom

Wow, that's hectic. Besides the challenges you've faced, I've also found that making true friends once you start working is much harder. It seems to become less of a priority for some people, especially for those who are married or in relationships or who have children.

 

[AmyTheTemperamental]

I was very shy as a kid. I can remember feeling lonely at school in elementary, to the point that I felt ill and would get sent home a lot. I really preferred being at home, with my barbies, away from everyone else.

I think the loneliness really grabbed hold when I was ages 10-13. I can remember having a group of friends for awhile, but I just could not get along with them. I didn't have the desire to do the hanging out, doing sports and extra curricular, and being present they way that they did. And rather than meet people half way, I opted for dramatic exits.

I think it was a mix of not having the tools to participate like other kids were, as well as not having the motivation or desire to learn. At the time, being the daughter of the town drunk, I tended to make a lot of excuses about how I would never belong. I think that came naturally at the time.

Being an adult, it has been a lot easier to kind of develop my personality to be able to at least be in public and seem half normal. I still get anxiety about crowds, and that has amplified a bit since I chose to sober up.

My feelings of loneliness will probably always be around as long as I haven't put 100% work into developing myself.

 

[Baka]

I actually am constantly surrounded by people and interaction. I have a lot of friends and Im not boasting or anything but they're pretty good friends. I have everything at my hands, ticked off my goals. My life at school wasnt hard at all, I was always the nice girl that got the good grades and did everything by the book. But also experienced the night life and drinking university life as well.

Ive achieved everything that I put on my list when I was growing up, and yet I still feel unsatisfied.

Its the worst when youre among the people you love making memories and yet you feel foreign to it all.

I always wake up wishing I had another life.

To some I may sound ungrateful, but is it possible to feel lonely when youre everyday life consists of you being around so many people?

Okay this has turned into a vomit post haha thankyou.

I don't think there's anything wrong with that. Sure, to me your life sounds pretty good, but your life isn't about me or anyone else. It's about you and the important thing is that you're not happy with it.

Do you know what you still want? What you want to change?

 

[cosmosandmusiclover]

I cannot say that I was born to be alone or have always been lonely. No.

I had friends in my childhood and in my youth.
I could talk to many different people of my age.
It was easy to find somebody for communication.

I became lonely when my youth started to fade and when I was forced to start working.
When I was 18 I started working as a loader at a warehouse.
My work was hard and I almost had no free time for my personal life.
Thus my old friends had started to leave me. Some of them betrayed me and despised me because of my job.
In Russia, if you have no good education and no decent job, you will be despised: you will be an outcast.
In our country, without much money and respectable job, you are almost doomed.
So I became an outcast.
People who knew about my job and about my low income did not want to communicate with me.
Of course, I never could find a girlfriend: no girl want to have a connection with such a poor guy.
Thus I became alone.
Now I am 28 and I hardly have two or three old friends but meet them once in several months.

Paul, I know all about that particularly toxic aspect of Russian social culture, as my husband is from there! He did the "right path" academically, got what we call in the US a "master's degree," had the "right kind of job" in Russia (a "respectable" job). But then he moved here to the US, and it's really hard as an immigrant to get a "respectable" job right away. He works in retail. He is a manager now, but he had to start at the bottom, and I think some of his long distance friends judged him for it. They don't understand that the American economy is not some idyll (especially not now) and even professionals who were born here have a hard time finding a "good" job right now. I wish that you didn't have to experience so much isolation just because of your job. Society needs all jobs, and I think everyone who works for a living deserves respect no matter what they do.

 

[TheSkaFish]

Sad thing is... I don't know. I don't know what I'm doing wrong.

I had a tiny little family and they all died due to cancer and an aneurysm. I traveled a lot for school and work, so my friends are all somewhere I am not.

I've got a massive family, quite a few friends as well.... My loneliness is more down to the fact I really struggle to relate to anyone. I wish to god I had been born in a different time, when people still enjoyed the simple things. It must have been nice to look at the stars with someone and not have their phone go off..

I feel bad but I blame my upbringing for my loneliness.
I think I'm lonely because I've never felt good enough, even as a child. I have more memories of my child minders than my mum and I always felt like I wasn't good enough for her or that I was a drag for her and that's why she had to work 3 jobs. I have almost no child hood memories of my dad and the ones I do have aren't nice either, he was hot tempered and violent. My sister and I had a toxic relationship and I never got any confidence from her, I think my sister has always been hot tempered too. I think my lack of confidence shows in social situations and puts people off being friends with me and bores people.
Things have happened to me that have destroyed my confidence too, like sexual abuse and my ex bf committing suicide, but I wonder if I'd have even met or been involved with those people if I wasn't so insecure. I know it sounds horrible but that's just me being honest. Maybe I've got it all wrong, this is as far as I've got with self regulated therapy.

Never really got any confidence from family  either.  My small family (mother’s side) were decent people, and I was poorly behaved as  a kid,  but I think the fact I  strongly resembled my father caused some underlying tensions.  

School/peer groups involved a lot of bullying and rejection, needless to say.  Never developed the strength of character to be able to deal with it. I was needy, could behave inappropriately, expected too much from others; not likeable traits in a boy or adolescent male. As an older adult I seem to have become, like you say, an aloof,  overall "boring" sort of person who's too afraid of rejection.  You really have to demonstrate how you 'add value' to someone's life at this age, and I guess I can't.There’s few chances left to connect with anyone, either new friends or a potential partner anyway. 

I  realize it sounds stupidly ignorant, but at times I almost envy abusive or tragic relationships, since it's still life experience.

Angry unhappy father during my teenage years(sorry it's a theme and I can't let it go) who only seemed happy when cheating on my mother and suppressed any social interaction my mother me and my siblings managed to create.No one ever visited etc...we were growled at if on the phone because of the phone bill ..the house was mostly  silent except when he was on the rampage cause he didn't have any fugging cigarettes.Sorry speaking ill of the dead but Don't give a ......My mother's life improved no end when he was gone made loads of friends very happy but still missed my father.I loved my father too and realise why he was this way because of his circumstances and experiences but that's along story.

Driven out of a street gang at 13 when I said something cheeky about someone's bike and moved to a big house down the road from my council house not cool.

Sent to a posh high school miles from my home...had friends at school but didn't socialise.First job started came up against a big sarcastic personality that dominated the small office...every one worshipped him but he didn't like me and being quiet didn't help.He really was an all round tosser...left his wife for someone in the same office and flaunted it...never met anyone like him again would have no problem dealing with someone like him now.

Turned it around a bit for four years when changed office..made good friends..sweet times good memories but then became self employed because no confidence too seek promotion in the office because of social anxiety and stir crazy issues.

A lot of good times too but just a bit bitter at the moment sorry for that just feel like a vent I suppose.ok

i isolated a lot of my friends because i never felt 'good enough' i kept judging myself and thought about how boring and useless i was.
they would ask me out but i always say i'm in isolation and wanted to use that time to improve myself, but motivation was fleeting and discipline was something i didn't have. I didn't improve, and kept myself in isolation.  I eventually lost contact with my friends save for one, but he moved to a different state to live so then i turned to my family, who eventually got sick of see me all the time so i decided to just be alone so i don't disturb anyone. 

At the moment i have a lot of work on my hands, cooking, cleaning, preparing tutoring work, working at the supermarket, gyming, making videos, dancing, and trying to write a book. i want even more work to do so i can increase my knowledge and skills and become a better person. Most of time i'm very proud of all the work i have put in to improve myself so i don't have much time to feel lonely. Plus whenever i have a chance to help someone i do my best and people are very thankful for my efforts which makes me feel very connected.

Loneliness fuels my motivation to work hard and get somewhere, also to help as many people as i can. sorry i digress

I was very shy as a kid. I can remember feeling lonely at school in elementary, to the point that I felt ill and would get sent home a lot. I really preferred being at home, with my barbies, away from everyone else.

I think the loneliness really grabbed hold when I was ages 10-13. I can remember having a group of friends for awhile, but I just could not get along with them. I didn't have the desire to do the hanging out, doing sports and extra curricular, and being present they way that they did. And rather than meet people half way, I opted for dramatic exits.

I think it was a mix of not having the tools to participate like other kids were, as well as not having the motivation or desire to learn. At the time, being the daughter of the town drunk, I tended to make a lot of excuses about how I would never belong. I think that came naturally at the time.

Being an adult, it has been a lot easier to kind of develop my personality to be able to at least be in public and seem half normal. I still get anxiety about crowds, and that has amplified a bit since I chose to sober up.

My feelings of loneliness will probably always be around as long as I haven't put 100% work into developing myself.