How Do I Stop Defeating Myself

[AFrozenSoul]

So tonight I am planning on going out and trying to socialize.  You know do that thing I should have been doing every weekend since August.  However, I run into a problem of me convincing myself that there is no point.  Even with my success at the anime convention I attended... I still find myself freaking out because I am going to be going some place out of my element.  That is my plan at least.  I have to get out and go to a place where people are actively social.  So I am going to go to a bar.  However, I run through my mind and say But I don't know any bars.  Then I start thinking about how my anime convention was... well an anime convention.  I knew everyone there at least held an interest in anime. Then I say I have not read everything in my book.
 
Yes I have a book on socializing, more specifically wooing women.  I have not read the interaction part of that book.  I try too, but then I get side-tracked.  Totally my fault, but it still sucks.  I know the overarching views of all the various steps... but I still like to know details.. that is one thing that freaks me out... another thing that freaks me out is being out of my element.  I have never been a very social person.  So couple me being in an unfamiliar environment and not being social... my mind just naturally tries to convince me that staying home and getting drunk is the best answer...
 
I need to text the guy who said he wanted a crew to go out with... he said he was going out this weekend... but I have not heard back from him on the forum.  He has read the book and applied its practices... at the same time... I am afraid he will see how much I suck and give up on me.  I don't want to just go out to sit out there and stare off into space for a couple of hours... I need to find a place with few distractions.  If I go to a place with a pool table or something like that.. well I will just spend money and time on that. Then the evening will be an even bigger failure.  Because I will have just played games and spent money to do so... I could have done that at home.
 
I guess my problem is that I know what I need to do.  I know that by staying in and succumbing to fear I am only hurting myself.  At the same time I have no idea how or where I can find the courage to go out.  Part of me wants to go out after I work out.  That way I can ride that high I get from working out.  However, by the time I would be heading out to the bar, after cleaning up and showering and such.  That high would go away.  Then I am pretty sure my anxiety and the low would make things worse....
 
Man I am really freaking out... I always ramble when that happens.  So any advice on how to get over these issues would be nice... thanks.

 

[RJLJD]

here's the deal. don't let the opportunity to get better go to waste. either read the book and better yourself through that learning, or go out and do it on your own.
use your resources. meet up with the guy on the forum. if it doesn't work out with him helping you then so be it. use the pool table or whatever other game. use it as a way to get other people to associate with you. you will need to pull up the courage to ask a small group if they want to play with you, or at least one other person. if you think you can do it, go for it.

 

[AFrozenSoul]

The book actually says it only works if you go out and practice. ^_^; I know I have to just do it... I wish that it was as easy as going to the gym. Thanks for the words of encouragement.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Im been reading a book on positive self talk....Theres challenges in my life.
Even thouigh my circumstances are different than yours..Its still the same principles...I need to take certain steps in my life., if I want the results of what want. I want what want and If I dont get then Im not going to happy. There are outside sourse ..of course it pretains to a woman...Never the less. Im the one thats holding myself back than she is..

Bascially we kind da ran on negative self talk or negative influences of others..
It gose deep in our subconsious mind or long term memories...So we get into a habit of talking ouirselve out of doing things..becuase its comfortiable and familar to us to remaind in our comfortzone.

So we muct regramm ourselves using the same process with positve messages to our brain. And cast away
our old ideas or old tapes.

I followed the simple instructions.
I made a list of
I can. Do this...
I m good.
Women are attracted to me...etc.
Then I read them everyday..
Writing things out also helps.

 

[edgecrusher]

think of it in a positive way. if you always defeat yourself, you are always winning.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Anyway...at first felt stupid and corning.
But whats the fucken piont of reading a book full of instructions and not applying it?
My first list was realitive small.
Then I added to them..
Then a made a biger list..refinding it.
I read them outloud to myself everyday...still with not much feelingd or enthuiasim ..but I contimued...
Its kind da like getting myself out of a rut....

Then I made a recording of myself readng the list...most MP3 plyers
or Ipod has a vioce recorder....
I thought is was corning @ first.
My vioce was mono tone...without much cheer. Then I made more recordings...
when more joyful and cheering vioce of myself as the days go on.
Im on my tenth reocrding with more positive feelings to my vioce and lite
soft music playing in the back ground...

Ill listen to this the first thing in the moning or when I go to sleep.
set it on repeat....
Its a whole hell better than falling sleep with the tv on...especially wiht the news on.lmao

Your brain never sleeps..it still reocrds while we slumber.

Anway...I been with plenty of women.
All of thew women Ive been with things Im sexy or handsome.
When the relationship is going well...the women say encouraging things to me. Supportive...

But when things gose south...they say hurtful and negative things to me.
So it'll trigger negative emotions with words attached to them.
This is what I DWELL on more. I'll play those hateful things in my head over and over again.

Plus my father was a very abusive and negative towards me.
Years of living with him and the negative things he would say to me was very hurtful as a child.
It kind da got ingrain in my brain.

So I'm learning to retrieve positive things the women say to me...and run on that.
Plus Ive **** the living **** out of all of them at onetime or the other...and they all scream
they like it and want more..more,, more,,yes..yes,,yes ect..ect.
So when we both climax its a totally out this world experince and feeling.
And i was pyshicially presence. I remember those moments...becuase I wasnt drunk or high.

So im learing to trigger those positive feelings and positive visual.
It's easier for me to visual myself in the picture of having sex with a beautiful woman screaming for more
becuase I've experinced those things first hands thousands of times.

Im bascailly doing the same principles with my hopes and dreams.
it dosnt pretains entirely to sex. But a visual of myself living my dreams.
With also positive feeling attached to them....

The books say ..to allow yourself to feel that you have recieve anything and everything out of life already...
That feeling....what dose it feeling like?
I know you probably heard it before...ACT AS IF.
Or that same feeling when you get your paycheck....
Dwell on positive feelings.
This is what is term as FAITH,
You're doing these postive things today...getting proactive in the here and NOW.
The results will come true or came to pass.

Ive read ton of self help or spiritual books. Even the bible.
They all say pretty much the samething thing in a different way.

Beliefs is CUASE...Actions is EFFECTS.
Change your thinking change your life.
Change your beliefs change your life.
Believe that YOU CAN.

Then the book also gose into..developing a habit of positive situation self talk...
I belive this where you are at...You're doing a lot of negative situations self talk.

have to notice in some of my post sometimes I'll end it with.
"its all good"
"its just all bumps on the road"
These are simple little staements I write to myself...positive messages.

Plus Ive using or practicing the sedona methode.
It helps me to release or let go of negatives emotions.
Sometime negative thoughs will pop into head (subconsious) out of nowhere.
I used to run on that. Now I'm learning not to react to them , run with them or just let go of them

Now I'm coupling these two things. A refining or growth process.
Let go of negative thoughts/emotions. Reinforce myself with postive messages and emotions.
The reason why I'm doing this...is becuase I'm changing myself over all so I'll be more automatic
or natural for me to just be positive. Kind da like me having sex with women. it's not that big of a deal to me anymore.
it's just natural that I do...I dont have to think too much about it.

You might also try googling fears...
Just put yourself in the line of fire and feel all your feelings of fears.
Over time your mind and body will get desentisized by feelings of fears.

Notice I'm not getting into a moral or vaule discussion.
I'm talking about the mechanics of how our mind works.

So yeah...transfer those postive things from anmie experince into your dating experince.
it's still the same principle. You intuitively already know. You knindda answered your own question.

GRADTITUDE is a STATE of HAVING.
Make gradtitude list everyday.
Gratitude triggers positive thoughts and emotions...
it might sound corny at first...becuase if we had been in a negative cycle and life is sorta ******..
it hard for us to be gratful...But what gradtitude will do is alter our thoughts, emotions and ATTITUDE.
Then alter the directions of our lives.

heres I'll make a simple list.

I'm grateful Renae loves me today.
I'm grateful i have relationship with my daughter.
I'm grateful I have a loving family today.
I'm gratful for the meals I eating to today.
I'm grateful Im in good health.
I'm gratful i can see, read and think today.
I'm grateful for the sunshine today
I'm gratful I have money in my pocket today.
Im grateful i have a truck so that i dont need to walk to places i need to go today.
Im grateful i have freinds that cares about me today....

The more gratful you are...the more you will have. it's all a porcess that gains momentum.
Positive begates postive.
Wheather your positive or negative...it's neatrual...your mind dosnt care what you feed it.

 

[IgnoredOne]

The simple step is to realize that you never fail; you succeed so as long as you learn. The books and other knowledge is very useful, but its very much theory that you need to apply for it to become truly functional.

If you're not comfortable being out of your element, find aspects within your element that you need to confront and take courage from it. Talk to some girls at work; you have a common topic with them, and you gradually deal with that fear.

Most of all, always celebrate your victories. There are no failures, only setbacks, so as long as we remember to learn from our mistakes.

 

[AFrozenSoul]

I am going to force myself to go out tonight. Yesterday a **** storm hit at work and put me in a foul mood. However, after a night of getting blitzed I am finally feeling energized enough to start working on this goal. I just wish I could figure out how to push aside my anxiety...

@edgecrusher: I guess the two cancel each other out. I am winning and losing at the same time.

@Lonesome Crow: You always have the most mysterious posts. In a way I understand them and in a way they make no sense to me. I wish I had more positive experiences to fall back on. Well ones that involved other people. True, I did have a sexual relationships with a really hot girl. However, it is easy to write her off as desperate. I have a couple of guys in my life. However, they hinder me more than they help. We can hang out and have fun. However, both of them sap the life from me. My main problem is that all my good experiences in life were when I was alone.

Anyway, I need to get my printer fixed so I can start writing up lists and goals and looking at them everyday. Thanks for the idea.

@IgnoredOne: I know the books are only theories that I need to apply on my own. I am trying to get to that point. I will do my best to celebrate my victories too. I just wish it was as easy as going to the gym.

I want to get out of my element. So when I go back into it I can be even more successful. I guess I feel like I have been in my element all my life. It is hard to force a change in something that is so familiar to me....

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Im just saying...becareful with the alcohol consumption. I know it can kind put you in a relax state but its a depressent.
If youre pumping depressent into your system its going to make you feel more depressed which feeds more into your anxiety.
As far as going to bars meeting women.
I generally only have couple of drinks for the enitre night. I drink soda or water most of the time so that i dont get totally wasted or drunk.
I'm not really an alcoholic even though I attend 12 steps support groups. Ive always been able to put a drink down. Didnt drink
everyday and 6 pack of beer will sit in my ***** for weeks to months. Its just a gate way into something more intoxicating for me.
I actully never drink alone..the alcohol in my house are actually for visitors. Im more of a social drinker.
It's a personal decisions for everyone or anything else in life. i dont believe everything in AA as I dont believe in anytype of beliefs system.
My challeges in life is that I lived with toxic people. it usually dosnt start off that way. Years into the relationship I'll find
my GF passed out in her car on the driveway, its just the party life style and the people i meet alone the way as we're having fun.

Most of my long term relationships are with women in recovery or people that lives a clean and sober life style.


Nothing worng with meeting women in bars, pool halls. I actaully never got into a serious relationship with
anyone I met at bars...but when I was bar hoping i was single, living the single life style and just having fun
with different women...nothing wrong with that.

As you get into the bar scenes..you'll meet more people. Find out where the hot spots are...at different times
and dates..Such as lady's nights...ect..etc
It also depends what's avaliable to you and where you live. I was in the military and lived in a city of 150000
with a university with lots of night clubs. Which made it easier for me to roam the city or bar scene with a groups
of guys. Women flocked to us becuase they bascailly knew we were dudes in uniform.
All of my friends pretty much had sports cars and musician...those where the kind of guys I rowm with even though
we were military.
When I lives in San Diego. i had a room mate. We simply went to differnt night clubs all the time becuase there where
so many of them. Plus San Diego is such a big city there were always sometype of events happening.

When I moved back home to a smaller community...it was more of a bar scene. Just a couple of night clubs
that most people would only attend only on weekends...it totally suck becuase my options became limited.
So i had to expand my horizon of meeting women. Like frocing myself to go jogging at the park.
Healthy women would go jogging after work or before work.lol

Do you live in a city or a town?...Be mindful of fliers posted on lundry mate, store fronts...etc..ect
for up and coming events. Bigger cities actaully have listings of up and coming events for the city.
Check your visitors center for fliers.

 

[AFrozenSoul]

The point of me going out is more to practice my social skills... or to spend a couple of hours sitting at a table alone because of my crippling social anxiety... I am not sure which yet, but I will find out. It is easy to resist drinking when I am out. When one drink costs as much as a 6 pack at the liquor store I can easily say no. Normally I can easily say no. Anyway, I just need to get out. I don't expect anything to come of it... well maybe I will have sore shoulders because I tend to tense up in social situations and... well you be tense for several hours and you be in pain.

I live... well near a city, there is public transit straight into the city. My company buys me a pass so I ride for free . I have no idea what the social scene is like around here so I have to figure that out.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Yeah...just keep throwing yourself out there. Thats what i had to do after
I went into a deep depression. It got to the piont of me not even leaving for house.lmao

Even though I already experince a lot of things in life. i kind da had to retrain my
mind and body....

Dont give up...just keep moving forward.
It's not always going fun and excitement everytime.
But the more you put yourself out there...(changing your routine)
Changes will come....

I got to the piont of where women were hitting up on me in front of my woman...againt.lol
You know all the crazy **** i was doing...when i write about them.

Seriously...some memebers on this forum had to tell me to get the **** out
of my house for at least 5 mins at first....that's how far down the scale I went.lmao

Dude I was hyperventlating when my secutaries to my desk when I return to work
But i already knew them.lmao
Being around people made me wanted to vommit at one piont in my life...imagine that.lol

 

[AFrozenSoul]

Sadly I have been having muscle spasms in my neck. Well they decided to act up. It is hard to go out when you cannot turn your head. Plus the pain killers I have been prescribed tend to make me want to sleep.

 

[IgnoredOne]

Sadly I have been having muscle spasms in my neck. Well they decided to act up. It is hard to go out when you cannot turn your head. Plus the pain killers I have been prescribed tend to make me want to sleep.

As usual, take care of yourself first. And sleep is always a good thing for your sanity and brain function. A large part of loving yourself is taking care of yourself; why do you think that you're having the muscle spasms?

 

[AFrozenSoul]

>_> I have no idea why my body does what it does. I had them on and off all week, last week. Oddly enough, I am not feeling them today.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

I'm still doing the positive self talk thing.

I made a commitment to myself to make a list of 100 positive saying about myself
before I made another recording. It took me a couple of days to actually to do it.
This process in itself is getting me into being persisting and believe that I can accomplish
soemthing or complete a goal.

I used to be a manager. I know how to get the job done.

My challenge in life is doing things for myself. Getting the job done for
my own personal life.

In a way it kind da makes sense what you're saying...that your back would
give out when you set your goals on doing something...
Kind da like your body went into self sabatage mode?

I feel Im making progress everyday. I also completed or did something today
that I set out to do..keep in mind, my body and mind is kind of figthing it
or I tend to want to procastinate in things i wish, want and need to do. What is good for me.

 

[AFrozenSoul]

I wish that I could figure out how to get over this anxiety. Oh well another night sitting alone in the bar regretting going out. Oh well, I guess it is a good experience for getting used to being alone.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Take baby steps...

I met a new friend.
She has a BF and I have a GF..
We just hung out for a couple
of hours...just chit chating.
Crack jokes or whatever...
Shes really funnie and very talkative.
Shes pretty too..but it either here or there..
She basically doing that samething Im
doing...hanging out instead of staying home alone...Safe enogh to not do what
she and I dont want to do..becuase
were both are in a relationship already.

As I siad...I have my things I want from life. Those things Ive written about...Ive been practicing..
Renae ahd I wernt even talking then.
Even if we were..we were fighting.

Today things have changed.
Renae and I are very much in love again.
I see the process and some positve reults already..I will continue to practice those things...it will get better and better.

---

Even last night. I was telling some pople how Renae and have been talking..
Being supportive and positive wiht each other.....

It was like he was trying to talk me out of it.. Well ****...I have millions of reasons and excuses to cock block myself
from Renae too..

I also know theres a part of you..That
wont listen to anyone else becuase you know what is true for you.. Ive witness
you made that clear to pople on this forum. Use that part of you to work for you..


Im using that part of me to get what I want out of life.. I love Renae every much. It dosnt matter what other pople say about her or I. We love each other..thats waht counts.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Im not sure where you live...
Is there a coffee shop or starbuch
where you live?
Poeple go in and out of there all the time. Some pople hang out there..
Some women go there alone.

Is there a local park near by?
Women go jogging or just take evening walks there. Some single women go there cuase..they dont go to bars and kinda lonely too...just to get out of thier house....

Something you can do daily without making a major plan to ride into the city.

Is there a loco gym?..take a yoga class.lol
Juliet invited me to go watch her teach her yoga class.hahaaa
. I met Juliet not to long ago before Renae and I got serious again.

Just saying dude...
give yourself options.

 

[AFrozenSoul]

It is difficult to get out and socialize when I don't have the support of a girlfriend to come home to. That is one major key thing. I meet plenty of people who say go out and chit-chat. All of them don't care what others think because they have landed a mate and can continue to land mates.

There are not many places out here in suburbia. I am a fish out of water here. Single 20 something male, forget about it. I might as well have the police stalk me and label me as a pedophile, and potential rapist. The only place I go regularly is the gym. I go there to workout. That is all I go there for.

Maybe it is time I realize that I just suck at life. You know just give up and be alone and hostile. After all, what do I want from women? Companionship no, love not really, a friend not really, sex yup. So why even bother? No woman wants a man like me. Maybe I should start writing up my suicide notes and get my inevitable suicide over with.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Dude..dont give up. I'm 45.

It's hasnt been so easy.....whatever Renae and i are going through.
The many issues surrounding our family...mainly our children.
It's not exactly all rossie and far, far from perfect.

I can't give up on myself. And I refuse to give up on Renae and our children.


I also know its a challenge if you live in a smaller community becuase
of the odds or avalible mates or single women....

But as i said...I cant run with the negative thoughts or attitude...It'll take me places
I dont want to go.

Not everything is going my way. And I'm far...far from that hope and dreams Renae
and I have. I must stay positive to get there...To get to our destination.