How do you accept the fact that you'll be single forever?

[Rangipo]

I justify it, saying I'd be a neglectful boyfriend. In a way that's true. I feel most comfortable in my solitude and knowing myself, I'd try to find excuses to keep it that way. I'd also quickly want to get out of the relationship after starting it, but I'd be too chicken to break up. Naturally, this would mean I'd accidentally wind up making the situation even WORSE for both of us.

Also, I don't know. I just don't see much of a benefit in relationships like that. With friendships, my friends usually have someone more important in their lives than me, so I can comfortably balance the scales however I see fit between time spent alone and time spent with them and nobody will feel any different because I'm not the main focus in anyone's life. I like this way of going about. In a relationship, if I did that, from what I've heard, it spells doom for one because I'd ALWAYS have to be around the person, which would be incredibly stressful for me, thinking about everything I say and do 24/7 and being buried in an endless stream of commitments. I'm not even used to seeing friends on a daily basis, so it would be difficult to not be completely stressed out after a few days.

I see what you mean seal. There are so many relationships where the other partner cares more about others and friends too. But don't let that put you off, there's some really lovely people out there. Don't ever think you're not worth a good relationship, if the right girl hasn't fawned over you yet man then they will, don't you worry.

 

[Amthorn]

Really, it breaks my heart seeing all these people who have just given up. I can promise, if you want to be single, if you tell yourself you always will be, then you will be. Confidence makes a difference. Also, if you don't like or love yourself, then no one else would. Would you want to date you? Would you date someone who had no interests, passions, or confidence? I see unattractive, unintelligent, even homeless and drug addled people with lovers all the time. Find things that you enjoy, that make you happy, that get you out of the house. Engage the human race. Show love to other people who are alone and suffering, the homeless, the sick, the old, the abandoned. Take out a personal ad, be humble and don't list all the things you want or don't want, just say that you're a human being looking for someone to love. You might be surprised.

this is well meaning, and it makes sense to look at life this way irrespective of the possibility of a relationship... but if the opposite sex don't find your looks or the way you hold yourself immediately appealing, they often don't want to know. That tired adage of women deciding whether they like a man within a short time of meeting him still applies.

I'm not saying that having compassion for yourself is guaranteed "in" to a great love life. There are many people who are simply incapable of having one, for any number of reasons. In fact, people who have been single for a long time would most likely find the demands of a full on relationship perplexing and annoying. I do think that having compassion for one's self is the key to happiness, though. Nothing has ever been gained through self loathing.

---

I do have to say one more thing here . . . for all the lonely men and women on here, the "Personals" section of this forum is pretty quiet!!

 

[lonelydoc]

The world has 7 billion talking apes and doesn't need any more.

That is how I justify it to myself.

 

[Unwanted94]

The world has 7 billion talking apes and doesn't need any more.

That is how I justify it to myself.

Apes you say? Hm... you must be referring to evolution. It's been awhile since I've acknowledged that.... Sometimes I wonder if I should return to reality......... nah, I bet better not.

 

[ladyforsaken]

How do I accept it? By having gone through heartbreak after heartbreak with people, not just in romantic relationships, but in friendships too... that I realise perhaps it's just not for me and I'd rather be alone, than go through it all again, only to have someone else break my heart and hurt me all over again.

 

[Mr Seal The Albatros]

How do I accept it? By having gone through heartbreak after heartbreak with people, not just in romantic relationships, but in friendships too... that I realise perhaps it's just not for me and I'd rather be alone, than go through it all again, only to have someone else break my heart and hurt me all over again.

I know how you feel. Happens to me sometimes. Sorry to hear that Lady.

 

[ladyforsaken]

How do I accept it? By having gone through heartbreak after heartbreak with people, not just in romantic relationships, but in friendships too... that I realise perhaps it's just not for me and I'd rather be alone, than go through it all again, only to have someone else break my heart and hurt me all over again.

I know how you feel. Happens to me sometimes. Sorry to hear that Lady.

Sorry you've been through it yourself.

 

[PenDragon]

Well, I guess almost everyone of us here have gone through that heart breaks. Me too.

As for single forever, I have doubt about that. I'm confident enough to talk with people but that is a fear too that I might not find what I'm looking for, that fear is supressable but it is quite persistent and hence the doubt. But I will always try. I see no harm in trying but then again their is chance of getting another heart break pops up and the cycle continues forever. I don't think It will change but I'm hopeful that it would change, only hopeful.

 

[blackdot]

Some people are just destined to be alone forever.
A friend of mine from college gave up many years ago and lives with his parents and doesn't leave the house. He is content to just be alone. He has told me many times I should just face the fact I too am stuck that way.
I on the other hand keep fighting to find someone even though I know I'm not dateable.
In a way, it's best to give up and learn to just be alone because constantly fighting for a chance and facing the fact that everything leads to rejection is a lot worse.

 

[SophiaGrace]

Eventually you get burnt out. Then, stop wanting it.

 

[Niantiel]

Easy.
I'm crazy.
Not just figuratively speaking, actually crazy.
No woman wants to be around that.
It's uncomfortable and uneasy and occasionally scary.
Most men don't want to be around that either.
(which is why I have no friends)

and yep, like Sophia said, you get burned out, and stop wanting it.

 

[insomniac779]

I think it works the same as with addicts. If you're really convinced and are absolutely certain that you're going to end up alone then all you can do is deal with it one day at a time.
Like so many people here, I'm in the same boat. I deal with it by doing everything I can to not deal with reality. Watching movies, reading, listening to music, etc. I'm also prone to daydreaming.
Unfortunately there are days when the reality of just how alone I am catches up to me. Those days suck and there's no avoiding them. My suggestion on days like those is to run to a forum like this one, filled with people that can relate and vent out your frustrations.

 

[exasperated]

Eventually you get burnt out. Then, stop wanting it.

How long does this take? It's the hope that's killing me. I operated under the false assumption for some time that I was attractive and interesting. I guess I'm not seeing what everyone else is, but I like myself. I am anxiously awaiting being numb.

 

[constant stranger]

I'm about 25 years older than you, exasperated, and I achieved something like 'burnt out' or 'numb' or my own version of accepting singleness, when I was 30 years old, or thereabouts, and thought it was a big step toward contentment and away from, well......being exasperated.

Boy was that a mistake! I wish I had those years back! I'd like to rejoin a social life now, but I'm really, really out of practice. Besides never having resolved any of the original poor social skills.

I know that you're not looking for advice, but I will take the liberty of hoping that what you anxiously await is not comparable to the self hurtful path that I took.

 

[Amthorn]

Eventually you get burnt out. Then, stop wanting it.

How long does this take? It's the hope that's killing me. I operated under the false assumption for some time that I was attractive and interesting. I guess I'm not seeing what everyone else is, but I like myself. I am anxiously awaiting being numb.

But you are attractive! It's probably just the place you live. Limited dating pool!

 

[exasperated]

Well thanks, but I didn't have luck when I lived in NYC either.

 

[Unbinilium]

As others have said, based on your writing, your are far from lacking intelligence. Such a person who truly lacks intelligence writes in a jumbled and incoherent manner but your writing is very clear and organized so don't go saying you lack intelligence.

Personally, I see intelligence not as the amount of knowledge but as the willingness to attain knew knowledge, however little you knew before so as long as you are willing to learn, you can never be unintelligent.

 

[constant stranger]

It's better to be brainy than dumb, but intelligence alone doesn't necessarily get a person very far. In fact, the higher one goes in the intelligence department, the higher is one's potential for incurring psychiatric problems, in my opinion.

The very idea of comparative intelligence contributes to friction between people. A self consciously, self described 'I'm a smart person' type is at as much a social disadvantage as a self consciously, self described 'I'm not smart enough' person.

How about, 'it's us brothers and sisters struggling to get by, cooperating and sharing in the common goodness'? In contrast to some one-upmanship type defensive struggle? Or something like that. Bit of a rant there. Maybe off topic. Sorry if I'm being trite.

 

[Triple Bogey]

Eventually you get burnt out. Then, stop wanting it.

How long does this take? It's the hope that's killing me. I operated under the false assumption for some time that I was attractive and interesting. I guess I'm not seeing what everyone else is, but I like myself. I am anxiously awaiting being numb.

If that's you in the little picture, you are very attractive !

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you have to !

I was 31, sat in front of a woman from personnel at work. I was defending the fact I had asked a woman out on a date. She had reported me to the manager. (Who used to shag women in his office by the way !) - When that happened I said to myself 'it ends here. I am not going to try anymore ! This is not worth it. I get the message. I'm not allowed to try'

I didn't for 12 years.

 

[h3donist]

I look at my friends, and I look at the ones who are still single and ones who have met somebody and I notice that there is a common denominator between them. Here are two examples - names have been changed.

My friend Sarah has just met the love of her life. After a few years of being single she decided to do something about it, so she signed up to an online dating agency. While she was waiting, she made sure she lived every second of her life. She worked with deafblind people so loved her work as it helped others, travelled whenever she could to some amazing destinations and basically made sure that she didn't pin all her hopes of happiness on finding love - she loved herself. She is now head over heels in love with a bloke she met on there and they face a bright future.

My friend Peter has been single for his entire life and he is 35. He qualified with Health and Social care qualifications, but is still doing the job he did part time while studying, basically giving out knives and forks in a hotel. He still lives at home where his mum does all his washing and cooking, and he spends all his money on alcohol. He refuses to do online dating. He has never found love because he has never put himself in a position to find love. The girl of his dreams (or boy - I don't know which was he swings!) isn't going to knock on the door of his kitchen.

The point is (and this forum is full of people with the same problem) people need to learn to enjoy their own company before others will enjoy theirs. What's more attractive? Talking to someone who spent their dinner hour barefoot in the park because it was such a beautiful day or someone who sat up all night pressing F5 on a website?

Shy? No problem! Go to a cafe with a notepad and pen and do some writing, doesn't matter what. One day the person working in there will come and ask what you are doing and you have the perfect opener for a conversation. If the girl working the checkout has pink hair - tell her how cool it looks! If you like the look of a busker - stand and listen for a while. Work in a job that means you can't meet people? Then do some voluntary work. Live somewhere beautiful or interesting? Take photos of it! Be curious about life, always try and learn something new every day. Don't let your loneliness define who you are.

Finally - don't assume that people who are in relationships aren't lonely themselves. The grass isn't always greener on the other side of the fence. Having someone else in your life can be exhausting and maddening as well as rewarding!