How do you go to try to make friends?

[Tealeaf]

Secondly, Tealeaf, I can see where you're coming from but I think your version of "normal" is rather subjective. Personally I don't think anybody can be born "normal" if you wanna compare each individual on this planet because I'm pretty sure everyone has their own issues to deal with in one way or another. On the other hand, someone could say, "I wish my life was normal again" because to them, they know what's changed and what was a better world that seemed normal to them.

Even if you regard me as a "normal" person, which you probably do from what I can infer from your reply here to the quoted posts by me and BeyondShy, that's just..... not right. I never found it to be "just talk and be friendly" cos that doesn't always work out. Not for me and I'm pretty sure not for anyone else. Even for the most well-versed and charismatic person on earth, he/she will still not be able to get to everyone because everyone of us is just different and we respond differently.

I'd argue that there is an objective normal which can be measured, and that the uniqueness of individuals has absolutely nothing to do with that. That's something people say to keep the peace and sidestep arguments. Not everyone likes to rest (some people are workaholics and some people have nightmares), but it's normal to enjoy rest. It's also normal for friendliness to be generally interpreted as friendliness and for interest to be at least occasionally reciprocated in a social species, barring any obstacles like not showering, scowling when speaking, etc. For a normal person, these are at least sometimes true when you take preferences into account. For someone who isn't, it never is.

And see how BeyondShy misinterpreted your post? But I didn't see it the way he did? Instead I felt you were directing it more towards someone like me who is probably perceived as having a "normal" life because I get people responding and interacting with me online and offline.

We just take things at face value, the way we understand what other people says. And the best thing that can be done I guess, is to discuss about it and elaborate on the message put across so that people can understand and relate - and just thinking of making this an example, that's also where interactions can start where you discuss your alternative opinions, which could lead to possible friendships (to go back on topic). I know it has happened for me, so, just speaking from experience.

Appreciate the effort, but I don't see the point. We're not forced to talk to each other or even read each other's posts. The slim chance that something good and affirming might come of it isn't worth the near-certainty that socializing with the aim of connection will end in unpleasantness. So I expend time, energy, and emotion... and find someone who wants to be around me, but things fail. Now I have something to hurt about and shake my self-confidence where before I might have been feeling fine, and no support network to help prop me up while I continue fighting to improve my life in other ways.

I don't expect to make any lasting connections. If they come as they are, I'll give them a fighting chance. But I spent so many years trying to be understanding and draw people in after realizing how cruel teenagers could be, and nothing has come of it except a lot of pain and a lot of nights crying that I'll never get back but will miss on my deathbed when there are no more nights.

 

[BeyondShy]

Firstly, BeyondShy, care to share your views? I am perfectly open to hearing alternative opinions on this.

Nope. I've been put down enough for one day in here so I'll just keep it to myself. I just don't agree with what you said. That's all.

And see how BeyondShy misinterpreted your post? But I didn't see it the way he did? Instead I felt you were directing it more towards someone like me who is probably perceived as having a "normal" life because I get people responding and interacting with me online and offline.

We just take things at face value, the way we understand what other people says. And the best thing that can be done I guess, is to discuss about it and elaborate on the message put across so that people can understand and relate - and just thinking of making this an example, that's also where interactions can start where you discuss your alternative opinions, which could lead to possible friendships (to go back on topic). I know it has happened for me, so, just speaking from experience.

Although I do understand exactly what you are saying here.

 

[Mouse]

I'm not well enough to join outdoor clubs anymore, (eg. abseiling, skiing/snowboarding or archery) which is sad because I made some wonderful friends, half of whom I keep in phone and email contact with. It can't be any more than that, not until I become fully well again. Joining an outdoor club, therefore, even a photography club or a crafting club is a sure way of making new friends which I recommend.

 

[BeyondShy]

Trouble is if you are scared to do even that then you are already beat.

 

[ladyforsaken]

I'd argue that there is an objective normal which can be measured, and that the uniqueness of individuals has absolutely nothing to do with that. That's something people say to keep the peace and sidestep arguments. Not everyone likes to rest (some people are workaholics and some people have nightmares), but it's normal to enjoy rest. It's also normal for friendliness to be generally interpreted as friendliness and for interest to be at least occasionally reciprocated in a social species, barring any obstacles like not showering, scowling when speaking, etc. For a normal person, these are at least sometimes true when you take preferences into account. For someone who isn't, it never is.

Right, which I think was the same point I made when I said:

someone could say, "I wish my life was normal again" because to them, they know what's changed and what was a better world that seemed normal to them.

This still seems rather subjective to me. Because what you deem is "normal" objectively is like saying you know for sure how life works in every other way and what makes one normal and what makes one abnormal. Your view still stands, yes, because that is your opinion. I'm just saying it's not the way I see things... and just throwing it out there that this alone kinda makes it not objective. Yeah, normality can be measured. But it's up to the individual. I just don't think it is objective in general. But that's just my take on it, I don't think arguing about it will get anywhere. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions, but not their own facts. I get where you're coming from with this.

Appreciate the effort, but I don't see the point. We're not forced to talk to each other or even read each other's posts. The slim chance that something good and affirming might come of it isn't worth the near-certainty that socializing with the aim of connection will end in unpleasantness.

Of course no one is forced to talk to each other. But I am simply just responding to topic, of asking about how to try and make friends. Of course each suggestion made by each person in this thread doesn't necessarily work for every individual. You just take what you can. People ask for advice here, and people give it, based on what they know, what they believe and what they've experienced. You can choose to take it or not. But you can't say it's a lost cause, if you haven't tried everything and go all out on it yet.

So I expend time, energy, and emotion... and find someone who wants to be around me, but things fail. Now I have something to hurt about and shake my self-confidence where before I might have been feeling fine, and no support network to help prop me up while I continue fighting to improve my life in other ways.

I get it, this happens to everyone, honestly. Even me. You just don't see it. And just cos you don't see it, doesn't mean you're going through it all alone. I mean, there's a reason why this thread is even here.... people fail at finding connections with others just as much as you and I do, but the OP is still trying. And there always lies a chance, no matter how tiny it can be, to just find one person who totally gets you for you and would stick around long enough for you to say "I'm content".

I don't expect to make any lasting connections. If they come as they are, I'll give them a fighting chance. But I spent so many years trying to be understanding and draw people in after realizing how cruel teenagers could be, and nothing has come of it except a lot of pain and a lot of nights crying that I'll never get back but will miss on my deathbed when there are no more nights.

Honestly, I understand this. I have been in this spot before. I'm sure a lot of the members on this forum can relate to. Most people are not very kind, in general. Especially at that age. I used to teach them, for 5 damn years, I know what I've seen, experienced and the number of times I avoided injury from their own cruel, reckless and careless behaviours.

But you can't lump everyone to be the same or resign to the fact that this will always be how it ends. I know I used to think like that, but life showed me differently, only because I kept going. I believe we all reach that point at different times in our lives so no point comparing with anyone else's life.

I'm not sure how old you are exactly, but from reading your posts on here, you have got a lot of things in your life which puts you to an advantage a lot more than me.... at least. You seem to have the capabilities to go out there in real life, and talk to people whereas I tend to be quiet myself and have issues just making conversation or keeping them. That's my difficulty in trying to make friends offline. I am just too "boring" according to them. And that's what was literally told to me, once.

That stuck with me for awhile. I mean when you get spewed insults and negativity about how people see you, you tend to believe it and that hinders you from making contact with people or even attempt at making friendships happen. But then I realise, to think everyone would see me that way, is absurd simply because you and I both know not everyone is the same or thinks the same way.

Firstly, BeyondShy, care to share your views? I am perfectly open to hearing alternative opinions on this.

Nope. I've been put down enough for one day in here so I'll just keep it to myself. I just don't agree with what you said. That's all.

Fair enough.

Trouble is if you are scared to do even that then you are already beat.

That's true. I always think that when you have just one person to kinda support you and keep you going or even do these things with you, it's not too bad. I have not done things alone, it's just a little awkward for me. Even when I did do some archery before, I kinda got my nephew to go with me. Simply because I didn't have the type of friends who'd be interested in such things...... and I couldn't do it alone. Yeah, no guts or whatever you wanna call it.

Right now, for me, the social workers I've been seeing keep telling me to join some support groups. I ask them why? They said mainly to find people "in my situation" and make some friends there whom I can relate to. To be honest? Scares the **** out of me to even think about doing something like that.

 

[BeyondShy]

Trouble is if you are scared to do even that then you are already beat.

That's true. I always think that when you have just one person to kinda support you and keep you going or even do these things with you, it's not too bad. I have not done things alone, it's just a little awkward for me. Even when I did do some archery before, I kinda got my nephew to go with me. Simply because I didn't have the type of friends who'd be interested in such things...... and I couldn't do it alone. Yeah, no guts or whatever you wanna call it.

I don't have anybody like that.

It doesn't matter anymore.

 

[African_weasel]

Just so everybody knows I don't have any sort of transportation and I am in between job. I can't drive either. Getting a girlfriend has been one of my goals for the two past years. I am even trying to lose weight as well but work will kind of get in the way if I am not on top of it.

 

[Niantiel]

I don't. lol.
If I do anything, I'll go to a bar, or a shisha lounge, and drink and smoke and enjoy myself with either my laptop, or a book and some earbuds with my phone and if someone approaches me than they do, if not, than I keep on enjoying myself.

Mom made the suggestion that I've basically been alone for 6 years.
Which isn't entirely true.
I've just progressively recessed my social interaction.
Largely in part due to my personal life problems and developed depression.

As an introvert, I'm selective of people.
People, cloud me, usually.
Although, being alone all of the time sucks too.
So it's a bit of a balance.