How to fight shyness/social anxiety?

[xaero]

 

[Dexter]

Sigh ... I didn't make any progress so far

Early days Dexter. Go easy on yourself.

Took me many months and many opportunities before I could handle meeting people in person.

I think the key is to having a positive experience when you're with other people (so attend people who are positive towards you). I find if there's so much as one negative person, it ruins the experience. But being around positive people seems to break the effect and trend and your brain begins to think 'hmm, being around people isn't so bad'.

You are right, I should give this more time. I am just not a very patient person

 

[jaguarundi]

Sigh ... I didn't make any progress so far

Early days Dexter. Go easy on yourself.

Took me many months and many opportunities before I could handle meeting people in person.

I think the key is to having a positive experience when you're with other people (so attend people who are positive towards you). I find if there's so much as one negative person, it ruins the experience. But being around positive people seems to break the effect and trend and your brain begins to think 'hmm, being around people isn't so bad'.

You are right, I should give this more time. I am just not a very patient person

It must have taken you a lifetime so far to feel as you do, so I think its reasonable to give yourself time to unlearn it?

 

[Dexter]

It must have taken you a lifetime so far to feel as you do, so I think its reasonable to give yourself time to unlearn it?

But I hope it doesn't take another 22 years to unlearn it.

 

[jaguarundi]

It must have taken you a lifetime so far to feel as you do, so I think its reasonable to give yourself time to unlearn it?

But I hope it doesn't take another 22 years to unlearn it.

Don't be daft, of course it won't. Just keep on keeping on. It's like compound interest. Tiny bits to start but it builds up ... and the more confident you get, the more your confidence bank keeps raking it into your account....

 

[ardour]

Best way to overcome shyness is by having as many positive experiences as possible.

Trying to develop self-esteem only from within is a cul-de-sac. People say that because it makes them feel in control, it appeals to that side of the ego, but it's crap.

Looking to others for approval is normal. How can you of all people be an impartial judge of yourself? Most of us probably wouldn't even bother with friends if we didn't want validation.

Oh and approaching strangers without any common point of reference is weird (I mean in public, not in a bar/club or social gathering where that kind of behaviour is expected) You don't have to do it, or feel comfortable doing it. Join a club or other organization.

 

[Grackle]

Most of us probably wouldn't even bother with friends if we didn't want validation.

My gawd, is that true ? That might be my problem if it is. Not saying I don't want to be validated but I might not NEED friends but rather just WANT friends. The urgency just isn't there, which leaves me unwilling or unable to exert the effort needed to make friends.

 

[ardour]

My gawd, is that true ? That might be my problem if it is. Not saying I don't want to be validated but I might not NEED friends but rather just WANT friends. The urgency just isn't there, which leaves me unwilling or unable to exert the effort needed to make friends.

It's not like I don't enjoy the company or care... it's as you say, the initial effort.

 

[emmbnm]

The best advice I got in terms of shyness was from an ex bf, he told me to talk to strangers the same way I talk to my best friend and it made so much sense. Why get nervous and say awkward things when I can just talk about exactly the same things I talk to my best friends about. Or rather the way I talk to them. It helped me a lot.

 

[Dexter]

The best advice I got in terms of shyness was from an ex bf, he told me to talk to strangers the same way I talk to my best friend and it made so much sense. Why get nervous and say awkward things when I can just talk about exactly the same things I talk to my best friends about. Or rather the way I talk to them. It helped me a lot.

Nice to hear that this helped you.

But as always, these things are easier said than done
I do of course always tell myself things like: Relax and keep cool, just talk this person. Nothing bad happens if I talk to this person etc.
But somehow I still fail to approach someone.

 

[DarkMark78]

To the OP: Best way to over come shyness, TRUST ME: Paul McKenna 'Positivity' ... once you learn how to rebuild and change your self image , self esteem etc you will find that shyness melts away if you keep up with it .. you will then find that you are different and more natural (less shy) in social situations and have a more positive feeling about yourself which will in turn change how people view you and thus your experiences in life.

Nothing ever changes everything but Paul McKenna Techniques will Definitely help!

 

[sk66rc]

Well, I'm not trying to play a word game here but I've always had trouble defining what "shyness" means... I've never really had to deal with shyness or social anxiety issues myself... I'm just a drawn person... I've never had problem talking to a stranger or walking up to someone & starting up a conversation, I just never felt like it... I don't think "Not feeling like it or wanting to" makes me a shy person...But then again, I guess different person can define a word in a different way... I've gone from a "life of the party" or "being a center of attention in a crowd" to isolating myself in 15 second flat, just plain "walking away" from the crowd just because I didn't feel like dealing with the crowd anymore all of sudden... All I can say is, at the risk of quoting an oldest cliché, do what feels natural to you... People who become your friend while you're pretending to be someone else or doing something you really don't want to, they don't seem to stick around as soon as you revert to your true self anyway... I would into some sort of local interest groups either by newspaper or internet... I took ballroom dancing class when I was a child (long story)... When I came to U.S., that's exactly what I did, looked into a dance class & went... For the first few classes, I just sat back & watched... Eventually, people walked up to me & started talking to me... One woman said, "I see you've been coming here for few weeks but never saw you participate..." & conversation took off from there... Point is, if you don't like walking up to people, you might be able to create a situation where you don't have to engage people, they just might engage you in conversation...

 

[Azariah]

I want to know too. In high school only a handful of people reached out to me. but I admit I should have reached out to other people as well.

 

[DarkMark78]

I think my basic problem that results in me having a hard time to make friends is that I am a shy person. I really have a hard time approaching other people, especially on a personal level.
Maybe I even have some form of social anxiety? Not really sure about this.

So I am asking you, if you have any advices on how to overcome, fight and defeat shyness or social anxiety?

At the moment I am considering visiting a therapist or a support group in order to get some help, because I don't know how to manage that by myself.
But I never visited a therapist or a support group before, so does anyone here have experience with those?

In my experience support groups and therapists won't help you very much with the issue's you're talking about. I had to almost literally drag myself out of a grave a few years ago and so I was looking through many things to help me grow in a positive way, I found myself become naturally more assertive, more confident and you also can find the little things holding you back (like shyness) Can become a lot less - and it will be natural! .. TRY Paul McKenna!!

 

[Dexter]

Point is, if you don't like walking up to people, you might be able to create a situation where you don't have to engage people, they just might engage you in conversation...

That would actually be the best thing that could happen.
Someone might put oneself in such a situation, but there is no guarantee that someone else will approach you.

To the OP: Best way to over come shyness, TRUST ME: Paul McKenna 'Positivity' ... once you learn how to rebuild and change your self image , self esteem etc you will find that shyness melts away if you keep up with it .. you will then find that you are different and more natural (less shy) in social situations and have a more positive feeling about yourself which will in turn change how people view you and thus your experiences in life.

Nothing ever changes everything but Paul McKenna Techniques will Definitely help!

In my experience support groups and therapists won't help you very much with the issue's you're talking about. I had to almost literally drag myself out of a grave a few years ago and so I was looking through many things to help me grow in a positive way, I found myself become naturally more assertive, more confident and you also can find the little things holding you back (like shyness) Can become a lot less - and it will be natural! .. TRY Paul McKenna!!

You really seem to be a big fan of Paul McKenna and his work.
I listened to some examples of his work on YouTube but to me it seems a bit strange. I don't have the feeling that this helps me.
Besides, I don't think that (in my case) shyness/social anxiety has something to do with having a low self-esteem or not thinking positive enough. I never considered these two things as one of my problems.

 

[sk66rc]

Point is, if you don't like walking up to people, you might be able to create a situation where you don't have to engage people, they just might engage you in conversation...

That would actually be the best thing that could happen.
Someone might put oneself in such a situation, but there is no guarantee that someone else will approach you.

Here's a nice little exercise... Go out & try to do something you're horrible at... It sounds weird but bare with me here... I'm not a car person... I mean, I like cars but I don't really know much about them... I used to take vacations in Ocean city, Maryland... One year, by chance, there was a car show going on when I went down... I walked up to one car, classic car & it looked re-built, & I pretty much stood there staring at it... The car owner came up & started to ask me questions... What I thought about the car, if I was into rebuilding cars, what type of engine I was into, muscle car engine with a raw power or one of those efficient high horse powered ones with a lot of gadgets... I looked at him with a stupid look on my face & started asking him stuff about things he has said... We ended up having a long conversation... Obviously he didn't mind talking about things he feels passionate about & knows a lot about... And in the process, you get to learn interesting things... Whatever you're interested in but not too good at, see if there's club or show about it... I also went to Octoberfest in Maryland, obviously not the one in Germany... I had so much German food & beers... At the end, made some good friends & had fun doing it... Found out a lot about their culture I didn't know in the process... Doing stuff like that created a lot of opportunities to meet people & even if I don't meet people, I had fun in the process so I didn't really care...

 

[kamya]

I second the Paul McKenna. I've used some of his stuff before and they helped a bit. Even sent some of his exercises to people on here before. :O

 

[jaguarundi]

I second the Paul McKenna. I've used some of his stuff before and they helped a bit. Even sent some of his exercises to people on here before. :O

He was on one of the courses I did when he was wanting to change from a stage hypnotist to a self help guru... In Munich funnily enough!

 

[Dexter]

Here's a nice little exercise... Go out & try to do something you're horrible at... It sounds weird but bare with me here... I'm not a car person... I mean, I like cars but I don't really know much about them... I used to take vacations in Ocean city, Maryland... One year, by chance, there was a car show going on when I went down... I walked up to one car, classic car & it looked re-built, & I pretty much stood there staring at it... The car owner came up & started to ask me questions... What I thought about the car, if I was into rebuilding cars, what type of engine I was into, muscle car engine with a raw power or one of those efficient high horse powered ones with a lot of gadgets... I looked at him with a stupid look on my face & started asking him stuff about things he has said... We ended up having a long conversation... Obviously he didn't mind talking about things he feels passionate about & knows a lot about... And in the process, you get to learn interesting things... Whatever you're interested in but not too good at, see if there's club or show about it... I also went to Octoberfest in Maryland, obviously not the one in Germany... I had so much German food & beers... At the end, made some good friends & had fun doing it... Found out a lot about their culture I didn't know in the process... Doing stuff like that created a lot of opportunities to meet people & even if I don't meet people, I had fun in the process so I didn't really care...

Thank you, this sounds really good.
I will keep my eyes open for such an opportunity.

I second the Paul McKenna. I've used some of his stuff before and they helped a bit. Even sent some of his exercises to people on here before. :O

Why are here so many fans of Paul McKenna?
I found an example of his work on youtube:
[video=youtube]

But to be honest, I really don't like it. It sounds like he is trying to hypnotize to you.

I second the Paul McKenna. I've used some of his stuff before and they helped a bit. Even sent some of his exercises to people on here before. :O

He was on one of the courses I did when he was wanting to change from a stage hypnotist to a self help guru... In Munich funnily enough!

What kind of courses did you do? (if you don't mind asking)

 

[jaguarundi]

^The particular course in question was a therapeutic hypnotherapy course, with emphasis on language patterns in the manner of Milton Erickson. Which is why Paul Mckenna's sounds to you like he is using some hypnosis -- from what I have come across of his stuff, he is!

Obviously it helps some people, which is great, although it doesn't seem to be for you. I hope you find what works for your situation.