I Just Don't Understand Her Decision

[AFrozenSoul]

Sorry if this comes off as kind of a rant. However, my recent situation has been eating away at me since it happened a week ago.

Anyway a week ago, my ex forced me to break off all contact with her. She basically said "I do not know if I will have time for you any more and if my boyfriend will really approve of me spending time with you". So I told her to go swallow his c*** and only come back when she is single. I am hurt so very hurt by a lot of the things she said. However, there is one thing that confuses me, as well as hurts me. She said that her feelings for me were getting in the way of her relationship with this new guy.

I know that when it comes to love an attraction there is not much logic, for instance why am I so hurt? However, this does not make sense at all, to me anyway. Why would you go to someone else when you clearly have feelings for another person? Especially when those feelings will be reciprocate. I know that I only really thought about these feelings when she was planning on leaving me. I won't make excuses there. However, the feelings are there. Yet she decides to go to another guy? A guy who she likes, but does not have any real feelings for because I am there? This just seems stupid. Like setting yourself up for failure. I mean it would make sense if she did not have any feelings for me. However, she said that the simple act of talking on the phone made her cast doubt on her choice to be with this new guy. The simple act of coming over to my apartment, alone or otherwise, and sitting on my couch and playing video games or watching anime with me made her feel like she was cheating on this new guy. Maybe that was just paranoia.

So can someone please speculate for me? Seriously I am stupid when it comes to this kind of stuff. My lack of relationship experience makes it hard for me to figure anything out. You give up someone you obviously love and want for someone you could date? That just seems stupid from a relationship stand point. Please do not get me wrong I am not going back to her. I am not looking for a way to get back to her. She left me and when this relationship fails or becomes bland I will be there to laugh and that is it. If I ever hear from her again. I just want some closure, because even if I asked her why she would just answer with "I do not know".

 

[sadface]

Yeah, she might love you, but honestly the best wisdom I can give you for relationships is this - Love isn't enough.

It never has, and never will be. Just because two people love each other does not mean they will end up together, or that they should. Sometimes people are just in different parts of their lives, or needing different things, or can't give what the other person needs. Love is great when it happens, but make no mistake, it does not always lead to a healthy relationship - it's a good start, but it's never enough. It takes a lot more.

It sucks, I know, but it's the truth.

 

[AFrozenSoul]

@sadface: lol yeah, love is just one piece of the pie I know that. I guess I was being stupid and believed it is the larger piece of the pie. However, it still does not make sense that she would go blind into a new relationship hoping for love and whatever else she needs. As where in this relationship she already has love and can work on getting what else she needs.

 

[sadface]

idk it does make sense though... one takes more effort than the other.

its hard with you, its easier with him.

it should never be hard.






im sorry i hate saying this **** because it sucks but its true

 

[ShybutHi]

Yeah, she might love you, but honestly the best wisdom I can give you for relationships is this - Love isn't enough.

It never has, and never will be. Just because two people love each other does not mean they will end up together, or that they should. Sometimes people are just in different parts of their lives, or needing different things, or can't give what the other person needs. Love is great when it happens, but make no mistake, it does not always lead to a healthy relationship - it's a good start, but it's never enough. It takes a lot more.

It sucks, I know, but it's the truth.

I disagree with this, i think you are completely degrading the meaning of love, and if you truly think that a person can just break up with someone that they actually love then that even further proves my point. If you actually love another person then cosmetic or situational things dont matter as much, they are quite irrelevant until the love dies and no im not just over dramatising the meaning, the word should not be used in such a fickle way.
Love is a word to describe a strong attraction and want to be with a person no matter the circumstances, yes it is irrational but thats how it is.

Either one of the original poster most likely does not have that strong attraction, maybe they are in denial in which case they will most likely get back together unless the "love" fades.

Im not a counseller or anything but i think you should just not use the word "love" in this situation.

 

[sadface]

Yeah, she might love you, but honestly the best wisdom I can give you for relationships is this - Love isn't enough.

It never has, and never will be. Just because two people love each other does not mean they will end up together, or that they should. Sometimes people are just in different parts of their lives, or needing different things, or can't give what the other person needs. Love is great when it happens, but make no mistake, it does not always lead to a healthy relationship - it's a good start, but it's never enough. It takes a lot more.

It sucks, I know, but it's the truth.

I disagree with this, i think you are completely degrading the meaning of love, and if you truly think that a person can just break up with someone that they actually love then that even further proves my point. If you actually love another person then cosmetic or situational things dont matter as much, they are quite irrelevant until the love dies and no im not just over dramatising the meaning, the word should not be used in such a fickle way.
Love is a word to describe a strong attraction and want to be with a person no matter the circumstances, yes it is irrational but thats how it is.

Either one of the original poster most likely does not have that strong attraction, maybe they are in denial in which case they will most likely get back together unless the "love" fades.

Im not a counseller or anything but i think you should just not use the word "love" in this situation.

Lol, no. You've just drank the koolaid of movies and fairytales that tell you love and life is easy. That things will just work out, and that nothing in the world is more important than love. Well it's never easy, it's never simple. Even though you may want to be with someone, doesn't mean you should. Love is important, but your emotional and mental health is way more important.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

mmm....if it's not clear to you. Then i don't know what to tell ya.
I recently did the samething...running off at the mouth saying stupid **** and made her felt
bad about herself. I wasn't as blunt..never the less. She cutted me right off the bat.
I reacted...instead of just taking a chill pill. I knew what i did was wrong as i was doing it.
My anger got the best of me. My anger destroyed our marriage the first time.

Any who..I'm luckie she decide to still talk to me after what i did.
Months went by and i went through all that process and doing whatever the **** it is I had to do.
I love her very much. She's the love of my life.

I've move forward with my life without her. Gotten involved in long term relationships.
Whazoo of women came into my life after her.
I"ve sponken to thrinks, counselors, therapist, preachers, frineds, lovers, bums, family members...etc.
This much I know...I wanna stab anyone eye's out that tells me that I should stop loving her.
I know I love her. I know me best. I know what gose on inside of me. I know my heart...
It hasnt faded even after all these years
and inspite of whatever happened.

She loves me...my job is to not **** it up.
Easier said than done
Her loving me hasn't been convient for her...This much I know too.

 

[VanillaCreme]

She has a right to do that. If she feels like her current relationship is being put in danger by an ex, she has the right to disconnect from that ex. That's what you do when you're in a relationship. You make sure no one else gets involved between you and your partner. You'd be singing a different tune if you were in a relationship with someone, and she had feelings for an ex of hers...

But, after reading just the first paragraph, my first thoughts were: If I were you, I wouldn't bother with someone like that, for many reasons.

And if I were her, and you told me what you told her, I wouldn't give you the time of day.

You really have some nerve thinking she should pick you over her boyfriend, and then to feel like she was wrong for doing what she did... That's why relationships are ruined. People don't know their place, on either side. I'm glad she picked him. I'm appalled you'd even say that to her. You have no right to be that way to her. At all. It's really common sense.

Would you pick an ex over a current girlfriend?

 

[sadface]

And if I were her, and you told me what you told her, I wouldn't give you the time of day.

holla

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Would you pick an ex over a current girlfriend?

mmmm..yes
That's becuase I ma trying to make the current one or whomever came after her into the ex.I'm crazy like that

Love dosn't makesence...it's illogical.
I dont THINK I love her.
I love her with my heart and soul.
The challenge is not so much that I love her or not.
It's learning how to have a healthy relationship with her.

She'll pick me over everyone..becuase I'm totally awesume and I turn her on.
God made me totally cool, adorable and smexy.
I'm god's gift to her

 

[VanillaCreme]

I understand some people do pick their ex.

She, on the other hand, is not. And he needs to realize and accept the fact that he IS the ex. And needs to grow up and be an adult about it, rather than throw insults her way.

 

[nerdygirl]

It's not closure you need. You need to find a way to resolve the anger.

At first, I was kind of mad at you for what you said, but then I realized you were just mad. I hope that at some point, she realizes it, too. Otherwise, she's going to carry that stuff around for a long time and be pretty sad and hurt about it.

You said you failed to appreciate her until she wanted to leave. So it's not like she left for a stupid reason. A lot of people will suddenly change their behavior in order to get their relationship back- but a little while later, it all goes back to how it was. So it makes sense not to get involved with you to that level again, and to attempt to be with somebody else.

It sounds like she cared so much that it was hard to let go. So she kept in touch and would hang out with you. But then she realized it wasn't going to be constructive for her life or for her new relationship. So she said she wasn't sure she could keep doing this. All very logical.

 

[Badjedidude]

Just let it go, man.

Seriously. Stop bitching about it and LET. IT. GO.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

As i said....anyone that tells me to stop loving her. I wanna stab their fucken eyes out.
Let it go and all that BS...That's fucken ******** and insults my intelligents. As if I havn't thought it through
and through. Any fucken moron can figure it out...yeah yeah get over it. Errr..I actaully obesses over it.lol

I belive it's healthy for you to talk about these things.
***** and moan if you want to...Cry if you have to.
Don't keep it all inside.

The few months that she didn't speak to me seem like a life time.

It's not easy...this I know.
Yes, she still talks to me...I'm gratful for this.
These are some of the reasons why I love her so much.
She's understanding ,kind and a very loving person.

No, things are not what I wish it to be at the moment...
At least we can talk and be friends for the moment.
There's peace for us at the moment. I'm gratful for this.
There's was so much hurt, pain, anger, hatred between she and i...yet there was a lot of love too.

She also told me that. She couldn't make me happy. ( I know this...I know everything.hahaha)
I have to fine my own happiness.

I also had to forgive myself for what i did.
I'm gratful she had forgiven me for hurting her.

i havn't tried to figure out her decisions.....that would drive me NUCKEN FUTZ.
Becuase whatever the hell I think is ....is not it. I"M NOT HER.

I hope U find peace. Be well

 

[AFrozenSoul]

idk it does make sense though... one takes more effort than the other.

its hard with you, its easier with him.

it should never be hard.






im sorry i hate saying this **** because it sucks but its true

The truth of the world is never pretty. Well unless of course it is in your favor.

@Lonesome Crow: You seem to be one of the few people who really understands me.

@VanillaCreme: Ah yes I forget the wonderous double standard of females. If a male upsets a female they are allowed to scream yell and... well do whatever. A female upsets a male he is supposed to over look it. Be understanding, supportive, and over look them.

You see, it is not like we have been a part from each other that long. And it was ONLY after she and this guy broke up and decided to get back together. After she cancelled our event with a guy who aburptly left her. After she admitted she had feelings for me to him.

However, the double standard I forget that. No matter the transgression the female commits she is supposed to be forgiven.

 

[VanillaCreme]

There was no double standard in anything I said. At all. You want to believe there is. Because that's how your mind thinks. I've been upset, and I've eventually gotten over it. And I've upset a guy, and he's eventually gotten over it. Where's the double standard?

You just seem to think she should have picked you over her boyfriend, who she wants to make things work with. If she didn't want to make things work with him, then I'd understand your side a bit more. If she told you that she didn't want to be with him, and wanted you back, I'd totally be on your side. However, that's not what she said. And you're mad over the fact that she doesn't want to be with you. Which, I suppose, it natural in some sense. And I understand why you'd be angry.

I'm more so appalled over what you said to her. If she never spoke to you again, I'd understand why.

 

[AFrozenSoul]

@VanillaCreme: She chose him despite having feelings for me. I am supposed to say "Oh that is just fine"? Oh I completely understand, you know I have feelings for another person however, I cannot be with that person, because this other person gave me what I wanted first. I like this other person. I want to feel something for this other person, however, I don't. So I need to get away from these feelings I am having.

She would never talk to me again either way. Even if I had said "Well I completely understand, you take all the time you need". Because she would be convinced that if she did not talk to me for however long it would take for her to be dumped by this guy. That I would despise her anyway. Even if I was completely fine with her situation.

If she never talks to me again, that is fine. She ruined what we had with her god damn title lust.

 

[sadface]

the title of this post keeps bugging me, and the whole sentiment in this post does too

stop trying to understand her decision, you probably never will

what you need to do is respect her decision.

 

[Badjedidude]

the title of this post keeps bugging me, and the whole sentiment in this post does too

stop trying to understand her decision, you probably never will

what you need to do is respect her decision.

And MOVE ON. Yup.

 

[VanillaCreme]

@VanillaCreme: She chose him despite having feelings for me. I am supposed to say "Oh that is just fine"? Oh I completely understand, you know I have feelings for another person however, I cannot be with that person, because this other person gave me what I wanted first. I like this other person. I want to feel something for this other person, however, I don't. So I need to get away from these feelings I am having.

She would never talk to me again either way. Even if I had said "Well I completely understand, you take all the time you need". Because she would be convinced that if she did not talk to me for however long it would take for her to be dumped by this guy. That I would despise her anyway. Even if I was completely fine with her situation.

If she never talks to me again, that is fine. She ruined what we had with her god damn title lust.

Yeah... Yeah you are. Because you can't make her pick you. Period. You have to move on, and accept the decision she made. You can't change it. Being spiteful towards her won't make it change to your favor. Even if she had feelings for you, she's not supposed to dump the current boyfriend for you if she didn't feel it was right.

She did what she thought was right for her. And you either accept that, or live out the rest of your days being miserable because the ball isn't in your court anymore. It doesn't even matter if she still had/has feelings for you. You're the EX. It's not like she left you for him, did she?

But you keep being hateful. That's just how some people are. I prefer not to waste my time being hateful. It's not worth the effort. If you had an ex clinging to you, and you picked a current girlfriend over the ex, I promise you this thread would be a different book.