I keep losing friends

[XSuicidexsilencex]

"I sort of had the same experience as you- all of a sudden they just stop talking and whatnot then when you try fix it they pretend they want to, bu dont. I dont know what i have done; I have even asked somtimes what I have done wrong but they can never give me an answer!
About you having problem hanging around with guys-I dont know how old you are, but ive found that people my age (20) are more interested in finding girls to get to know than hanging with the same gender. Its a bit awkward when a friend is busy looking for a girl for whatever reason when your not interested in it at that moment in time! "
Im 21 jus got out of a terrible relationship and my friends all ditched me shortly after. Following this same pattern as of now im interested in this one gal. Absolutely beautiful. Jus hoping i can find the courage to talk to her. But what i reall. Need is friends. Im always sitting in my appartment all alone. Bored as all hell. Day in day out. Minus being at werk. Goin stir crazy.

 

[Rolo]

""I sort of had the same experience as you- all of a sudden they just stop talking and whatnot then when you try fix it they pretend they want to, bu dont. I dont know what i have done; I have even asked somtimes what I have done wrong but they can never give me an answer!
About you having problem hanging around with guys-I dont know how old you are, but ive found that people my age (20) are more interested in finding girls to get to know than hanging with the same gender. Its a bit awkward when a friend is busy looking for a girl for whatever reason when your not interested in it at that moment in time! "
Im 21 jus got out of a terrible relationship and my friends all ditched me shortly after. Following this same pattern as of now im interested in this one gal. Absolutely beautiful. Jus hoping i can find the courage to talk to her. But what i reall. Need is friends. Im always sitting in my appartment all alone. Bored as all hell. Day in day out. Minus being at werk. Goin stir crazy."

Ahh sounds like a nice bunch of people they were leaving you then! Well, just go for it, yep, a rubbish bit of advice but if you like her, find out more about her and see what happens. I know what you mean about really needing friends-been asexual i have a slight problem; I often want to be in a relationship for that emotional connection, but I fully beleive that after a while the relationship will end because the other person gets bored which then puts me off or just makes me feel so insecure. So id rather just have friends that i can hang around with, but i dont have much luck with that, so its like im stuck in this position- get in a relationship and spend lots of time with that person and have a deep connection until they leave and then face the misery of breaking up another time, or, just try make regular friends hope they keep talking but miss out on that emotional connection and potentially go ages without knowing anyone because im crap at making friends!
If it wasnt for work I would be spending my days using stumble and going insane with all the lolcat pics

 

[Joseph]

You should take the serious steps to give the time to your friend to hold your existing fiends, otherwise you will surly lose you friends.

 

[Aweman]

I feel like I have no friends now. I spend all my nights alone, go to bars hoping to find someone to hang with. Sometimes I run into someone I know and have a few drinks but usually I just end up getting drunk by myself. I hate doing that, so most of the time I just stay home by myself.

I have a few really good friends. My best friend of 20+ years lives in NYC while I live in California. We text everyday and talk once in a while. My other good friend lives in Las Vegas, we talk once a month. I also have neighbor friends where I can go over and watch TV or a movie with them. But they have family and are kinda boring, plus I have been doing that for 10 years. They have been feeling kinda distant lately anyhow.

What depresses me is I have had some really good friends in the past that don't want me in their lives anymore. I don't think I have pissed them off or anything. I call them and just get voice mail and I leave a message but get no response. I see other people having big social events with all their friends and I feel envious.

I have had other good friends that have turned into almost enemies. They usually just turn into these big jerks and it causes me to dismiss them from my life; I am not trying to reconnect to these people, but I am still saddened that we can't get along.

I also have an exgirlfriend that ignores me and doesn't check on me. I do talk to her once in a while but all she talks about is herself. She doesn't seem to care about me and that saddens me. I guess what I really want is to find is a female best friend that is my lover as well.

 

[Twilight Sky]

I also have an exgirlfriend that ignores me and doesn't check on me. I do talk to her once in a while but all she talks about is herself. She doesn't seem to care about me and that saddens me. I guess what I really want is to find is a female best friend that is my lover as well.

Keyword there.

She does not have to care about you. Sorry but it is the hard truth.

Confide into a new woman.

 

[Aweman]

I also have an exgirlfriend that ignores me and doesn't check on me. I do talk to her once in a while but all she talks about is herself. She doesn't seem to care about me and that saddens me. I guess what I really want is to find is a female best friend that is my lover as well.

Keyword there.

She does not have to care about you. Sorry but it is the hard truth.

Confide into a new woman.

That is complete BS. No one has to care about anybody. People choose not to care, it is messed up and selfish. Just because someone is an ex doesn't mean you have to stop caring. It is a cliche that you have to be completely cold and callous after breaking up. The same goes for old friends. People act like there is nothing more to learn or gain so why take the time.

I am not saying she HAS to care about me but it SADDENS me that she doesn't care anymore. I waited a long time for someone like her to come in my life and have a partnership (~20 years). It wasn't ideal but it was the closest to ideal that I have experienced. I have already started meeting new women but I am scared to open up now, more than before.

It is all games with all these women, acting like you aren't interested then act like you are. Women doing the same, calling and texting then having intimacy then bam! they are seeing someone else yet still calling and texting. And I just have to go along with it, trying not to get attached, yet feeling slightly hurt. I am no player and don't do well meeting women. Don't do well in bars or clubs and it is just the same on dating sites. Seems like women are flocking to other men or each other!

People just suck! Anyway thanks for your response and sorry about my ranting.

 

[IgnoredOne]

That is complete BS. No one has to care about anybody. People choose not to care, it is messed up and selfish.

Society owes you nothing, not even happiness, or for that matter, life. Feeling entitled that we ought to get something eventually, or that 'fate' will bring something into our life eventually, is one of the greatest causes of unhappiness in our life, I think.

I'm glad that you're trying to meet new people now, though. You'll do fine. I don't think that 'opening up' is entirely needed, not at first. Dating is a a bit like a job interview at first, and I once even joked that it is a job interview for the 'boyfriend' position - you wouldn't mention in your first interview about all your dirty laundry, so why would you do that with a date at first either?

 

[rosebud]

Society owes you nothing, not even happiness, or for that matter, life.

By this logic anyone can do whatever he wants. I mean you can kill a man on the street and would be okay. Society doesn't owe you anything, so you don't owe anything in return.

I believe the whole concept of society is mutual happiness. Otherwise our whole existence with other people is pointless.

 

[IgnoredOne]

By this logic anyone can do whatever he wants. I mean you can kill a man on the street and would be okay. Society doesn't owe you anything, so you don't owe anything in return.

You could try to kill me, for example, and I wouldn't deny you the right. I would try to make it as hazardous as possible for you. Likewise, I don't deny that I could kill or steal, but I balance that against the penalties of the consequences.

Living that philosophy has been one of my guiding principles and has in its own way, brought me a great deal of happiness and understanding.

No one owes me anything, and indeed, no one did - which is why my early life sucked so hard. Neither do I owe anyone anything, unless they have earned it, and that's why anythign I do give, I can confidently say comes from my own sense of heart rather than any obligation. A child may be dying in African now because I just wasted another dollar in a vending machine, and $15 would have gotten him a vaccine shot. Its sad, but he's not my responsibility.

 

[rosebud]

It's a very effective way to deal with problems. The major issue is it can't be forced on all the people, because we all have different subjective views on how things work, what's morally acceptable and what's not, etc...

I personally live without any expectations. That thought came to me one day when I was watching how happily my dog was chasing his tail. After all dogs don't care about the past and don't think about the future. They live in the present and it's a lot simpler this way. So when I meet someone new I don't expect to be friends or even have an intelligent conversation. If it happens it's great. If it doesn't - it's not that big of a deal.

 

[IgnoredOne]

It's a very effective way to deal with problems. The major issue is it can't be forced on all the people, because we all have different subjective views on how things work, what's morally acceptable and what's not, etc...

I personally live without any expectations. That thought came to me one day when I was watching how happily my dog was chasing his tail. After all dogs don't care about the past and don't think about the future. They live in the present and it's a lot simpler this way. So when I meet someone new I don't expect to be friends or even have an intelligent conversation. If it happens it's great. If it doesn't - it's not that big of a deal.

Have you been doing better at life? Have you been able to find anyone who you could trust?

 

[rosebud]

Personally I doubt everyone can have a true friend. True friendship exists and is something very difficult to acquire. I'm doing better thanks to what I explained in my previous post. I'm doing better with my studies, at my job, at everything really. This way loneliness is manageable for me and I'm not feeling depressed. That doesn't mean it will work the same for your or anybody else for that matter.

Friendship is something you search for all your life. The friends you have change through the years. You are friends with different people at school, at college, at work, after retirement. If you have a true friend he hangs with you for life. It's difficult and it takes a lot of luck. In many ways having a true friend is harder to accomplish than having a girlfriend, wife or kids and a lovely home. Sometimes life takes you to a different path and you're away from your friends. It happens.

 

[IgnoredOne]

I do agree with that - I wonder if the entire concept of 'true friendship' to be something of an illusion. At any rate, I'll say that friendship was easier to maintain when people had less mobility, both career and physically. When you can reasonably to spend your life with the same people whether you want to or not, it kinda requires you to develop coping mechanisms with them.

 

[rosebud]

Being independent has a lot to do with it. In the world today you can survive on your own if you want to. You're mobile, so you can travel where you want to. You can always found a way to communicate with someone from almost any place on the globe. The whole illusion for being close to someone while typing on a chat room or facebook is very well made farce. This way you just construct an invisible wall that make you think you have a ton of friends, but really don't. Finding a drink buddy or someone to chat with doesn't mean you're friends. For me it means you're equally blind about the real situation.

Centuries ago you were dependent for your survival by the people at your community. There is no better way to bond with someone for life.

 

[IgnoredOne]

Centuries ago you were dependent for your survival by the people at your community. There is no better way to bond with someone for life.

It has its ups and downs. It might also mean having to deal with the pedophile who is your social better eyeing your daughters, and having to grit your teeth and grin and bear his amoral depredations. All things, even good things like modern mobility, come with a cost.

 

[rosebud]

Everthing has it's ups and downs. It works for the current problem when the positive outweights the negative on the logical scale. And because no one wants the pedophile, people in the ancient times formed the talion law (eye for an eye), which was the way the village chief ruled. I really think closed communities have deeper ties and friendships than bigger ones. There was a research in NYC. Every third person was feeling lonely. That doesn't look good.

 

[IgnoredOne]

Everthing has it's ups and downs. It works for the current problem when the positive outweights the negative on the logical scale. And because no one wants the pedophile, people in the ancient times formed the talion law (eye for an eye), which was the way the village chief ruled. I really think closed communities have deeper ties and friendships than bigger ones. There was a research in NYC. Every third person was feeling lonely. That doesn't look good.

One doesn't have to look far to find societies mcuh like that to this day - Afghanistan, for example, with its tribal communities. And just because the pedophile is one doesn't mean that he can't be the most effective military commander, and indeed, perhaps the reason why any of you in the tribe are alive. Eye for an eye, indeed(and its a concept that I personally adhere to), but sometimes we all make compromises for what is more important or what is acceptable - which is part of your point, indeed.

 

[HannahJocelyn]

---

Wow i totally feel you. I have no female friends. We just don't "click" the way I see other girls getting along. I have experienced the same thing as you, maybe hanging out for a bit or a fake "lets exchange numbers" "lets chill sometime" and nothing ever comes of it. I'm a really cool person, I have a good heart and I'm not judgmental.. I don't get it. I am a pretty girl and I've had trouble making friends cause sometimes they're just really jealous and catty, but I know not EVERY female in the world can be like that, right? Ugh I feel like I'm never going to have friends in my whole life. I feel like I'm going to have no bridesmaids for my wedding and that depresses me.


Wow, spot on!! I think about how my bridesmaids are just going to be my sister and my cousin, no friends *ugh* literally the last real girl friend i had was freshman yr of high school...it makes me feel like theres something wrong with me. I'm an attractive girl, but i'm shy and i feel like i say too much about myself when i do talk, like what sweetviki said. Also, i've gotten the feeling that if i don't act super outgoing and fun, the girls i have met kind of avoid me and talk to me only because they feel obligated.

 

[cookie]

Wow, I do have the same problem. To be honest I came here (after a long time) just to look after ppl like me, but I didn't expect so many ppl describing almost the same experiences I've been through. Actually I can relate to nearly everyone who posted here.

It would take too long when I posted my story here. But to cut it short, I recently ended 2 friendships, actually 3. The third one ended her friendship to me, because i had put her offline on facebook chat. Before I was able to explain that it was because I had a lot to do at work and no that I couldn't tell her if her dog felt abandoned by her since I never had a dog, because that was what she asked me all the time. Her dog and her boyfriend. DOH! As I said, before I could explain she started insulting me, so I lost the will to explain anyways and said - after trying to end it like grown ups - bye. I must admit it anways had hit me.
It took me a lot of courage to end the friendship to the 2 "friends" since I was sure they were no good for me because of serious reasons which I don't want to explain (will take too long). Besides she got really dirty and told people I was a bad person, which I know because someone we both know came along and asked me what I did. I shouldn't care about such stuff anyways. Maybe it's because I feel lonely the reason why such stupid stuff hits me.

Bye guys.

 

[petluv]

Wow i totally feel you. I have no female friends. We just don't "click" the way I see other girls getting along. I have experienced the same thing as you, maybe hanging out for a bit or a fake "lets exchange numbers" "lets chill sometime" and nothing ever comes of it. I'm a really cool person, I have a good heart and I'm not judgmental.. I don't get it. I am a pretty girl and I've had trouble making friends cause sometimes they're just really jealous and catty, but I know not EVERY female in the world can be like that, right? Ugh I feel like I'm never going to have friends in my whole life. I feel like I'm going to have no bridesmaids for my wedding and that depresses me.

I seem to make friends easily but I have trouble keeping them. Once again I keep trying to make plans with this girl that I hung out with for a bit but she never has time for me or says something like 'I'll let you know in a bit" Meaning I'm gonna see if I have something better to do first. I dont understand what I'm doing wrong, when I first meet people we seem to hit it off but after a while its like they loose interest. I've realized maybe I share too much too quickly or something I don't know what the problem is. How do I figure out if its me pushing people away?

This is exactly my life! That is soooo how it is with me. I don't know how to change the way people treat me. I wish I could find someone who liked me for just me. It really does a number on your self esteem!
Good luck! If you find any answers, I sure would like to hear them!