I treated GF like horrible jerk and feel guilty

[Lowlander]

I agree, this awful time is in her memory and he should definitely bring it up again so this memories resurface and cause problems.

Right because memories never resurface on their own, bury them and they're gone forever...

I mean why apologize to anyone for anything - they'll just be reminded of thing we wanted to apologize for :rolleyes2:

I know right, but it's not as if a certain way of making them resurface is if the silly willy in question brought them up again. I see what you mean about apologising, we should totally apologise to people who probably just want to put the thing behind them because feelings of guilt obviously outweigh how others feel.

Such silly willys indeed. I agree.

 

[ardour]

yea let's just generalize apologising for stealing somebody's groceries and apolosing for being a jerk in a emotionally abusive relationship..

Yea I think people apologize for a lot more serious things than stealing groceries. Like being a bad parent... or putting your parents through hell when you were young... or using friends...or hurting those around you. Perhaps nobody should, being that we are such cold-hearted and delicate creatures, the mere mention of bad times results in a full on breakdown.

 

[Lowlander]

yea let's just generalize apologising for stealing somebody's groceries and apolosing for being a jerk in a emotionally abusive relationship..

Yea I think people apologize for a lot more serious things than stealing groceries. Like being a bad parent... or putting your parents through hell when you were young... or using friends...or hurting those around you. Perhaps nobody should though, being the we are such cold-hearted and delicate creatures the mere mention of bad times will result in a full on breakdown.

Stealing groceries is serious, you know. I seriously would not recommend indulging in criminal behavior.

 

[TheRealCallie]

Apologies don't help? Ever heard of Restorative Justice? A victim of serious crimes can meet and hear out the perpetrator, but an email from an ex is too much?
It sounds like you guys are looking for an excuse to go on hating your ex partners.

(please ignore this comment if there were sexual assaults or physical abuse in these past relationships)

Well to be honest, I've heard "I'm sorry" too many times, and used too easy as an excuse .. it's not like all is forgiven with those two words.

If he's changed he'd respect her feelings by not being an ****** and making her have to be reminded of him. I'm all for being a jerk though, he should definitely contact her.

You can't really forget somebody though. An apology might at least provide some closure. All it's saying is "I recognize what I did was wrong", which in a way supports her feelings about what she went through .. not saying I'm right, just another perspective.

It's not so much about going on hating an ex. I don't, in any way, hate my ex (although, there are times I wish I could)
See, the think with apologies is that one has to be able to BELIEVE the sincerity of them or they are worthless.
It doesn't matter if the apologizer is sincere or not, it's about what the other person believes. From my own personal experience, I can tell you that I will NEVER believe an apology from my ex is sincere because of how many times I've heard those words and they were not sincere. It's not about hating, it's about trust and belief in the person and what they are saying. If you really want to make amends and you know she's moved on and has self esteem again, the BEST apology for her would be to let her live her life in peace.
Unless of course, you are completely selfish and don't give a **** what the other person wants and you only want to apologize for your own piece of mind, in which case, you should apologize to yourself and to God (if you believe) for what you did in the past. Because it's not about the other person forgiving you, it's about you forgiving yourself, in this case. It's about you being able to live with yourself and what you've done in the past.

 

[Lowlander]

Apologies don't help? Ever heard of Restorative Justice? A victim of serious crimes can meet and hear out the perpetrator, but an email from an ex is too much?
It sounds like you guys are looking for an excuse to go on hating your ex partners.

(please ignore this comment if there were sexual assaults or physical abuse in these past relationships)

Well to be honest, I've heard "I'm sorry" too many times, and used too easy as an excuse .. it's not like all is forgiven with those two words.

If he's changed he'd respect her feelings by not being an ****** and making her have to be reminded of him. I'm all for being a jerk though, he should definitely contact her.

You can't really forget somebody though. An apology might at least provide some closure. All it's saying is "I recognize what I did was wrong", which in a way supports her feelings about what she went through .. not saying I'm right, just another perspective.

It's not so much about going on hating an ex. I don't, in any way, hate my ex (although, there are times I wish I could)
See, the think with apologies is that one has to be able to BELIEVE the sincerity of them or they are worthless.
It doesn't matter if the apologizer is sincere or not, it's about what the other person believes. From my own personal experience, I can tell you that I will NEVER believe an apology from my ex is sincere because of how many times I've heard those words and they were not sincere. It's not about hating, it's about trust and belief in the person and what they are saying. If you really want to make amends and you know she's moved on and has self esteem again, the BEST apology for her would be to let her live her life in peace.
Unless of course, you are completely selfish and don't give a **** what the other person wants and you only want to apologize for your own piece of mind, in which case, you should apologize to yourself and to God (if you believe) for what you did in the past. Because it's not about the other person forgiving you, it's about you forgiving yourself, in this case. It's about you being able to live with yourself and what you've done in the past.

I totally agree with the think TheRealCallie just said.

 

[ardour]

It's not so much about going on hating an ex. I don't, in any way, hate my ex (although, there are times I wish I could)
See, the think with apologies is that one has to be able to BELIEVE the sincerity of them or they are worthless.
It doesn't matter if the apologizer is sincere or not, it's about what the other person believes. From my own personal experience, I can tell you that I will NEVER believe an apology from my ex is sincere because of how many times I've heard those words and they were not sincere. It's not about hating, it's about trust and belief in the person and what they are saying. If you really want to make amends and you know she's moved on and has self esteem again, the BEST apology for her would be to let her live her life in peace.
Unless of course, you are completely selfish and don't give a **** what the other person wants and you only want to apologize for your own piece of mind, in which case, you should apologize to yourself and to God (if you believe) for what you did in the past. Because it's not about the other person forgiving you, it's about you forgiving yourself, in this case. It's about you being able to live with yourself and what you've done in the past.

Neither he nor we know what she wants. Sometimes an apology might be worthwhile, other times not, and fair enough about not wanting one from your ex. Believing the other person genuinely feels remorse could be helpful, but since it's impossible to know how she will react it's probably best for the OP to leave it alone.

 

[PieBeNice]

but since it's impossible to know her reaction it's probably best for the OP to leave it alone.

VICTORY!

 

[Lowlander]

but since it's impossible to know her reaction it's probably best for the OP to leave it alone.

VICTORY!

That's what we've been saying the past 3 pages.

 

[Rainbows]

but since it's impossible to know her reaction it's probably best for the OP to leave it alone.

VICTORY!

wiggle wiggle

 

[ardour]

sure... but it's just sad that remorse can't be expressed without upsetting someone.

 

[TheRealCallie]

sure... but it's just sad that remorse can't be expressed without upsetting someone.

Well, when you put someone through hell, just to make yourself feel better about yourself....I think that is sadder than not being able to be remorseful for fear of hurting someone you've already hurt.

Also, we can only go by the OP's word that he is actually remorseful about it. He may not actually be as sorry as he lets on. We may not be getting the entire story, either. We can only go by his word that what he says is true and that he is actually apologetic about it.
I'm not saying he's a liar, I'm just saying one does not have the full story online. One cannot know someone true intentions from a post on a forum.

IF the OP is really sincere in wanting to make amends, he should do so through someone else. A mutual friend or one of her friends. That way, the friend can determine the sincerity of the OP and decide whether or not it is best for the girl to hear it. It's harder to go to someone who knew what was going on, but wasn't directly involved because they won't hold back what they feel and they will be a better judge of the sincerity of the apology.

 

[jjessea]

I don't like to apologize, it means I have to talk to someone. That's a problem for me. Considering that most of the time I hurt someone's feeling is by ignoring them and NOT talking to them, talking to them again seems counter productive to me.

 

[ladyforsaken]

sure... but it's just sad that remorse can't be expressed without upsetting someone.

That's life isn't it. That's why we should really think before we act.. as they say, once a glass is broken, no matter how much you try to piece them back together, the cracks will forever remain. It is the same way.

IF the OP is really sincere in wanting to make amends, he should do so through someone else. A mutual friend or one of her friends. That way, the friend can determine the sincerity of the OP and decide whether or not it is best for the girl to hear it. It's harder to go to someone who knew what was going on, but wasn't directly involved because they won't hold back what they feel and they will be a better judge of the sincerity of the apology.

This, or as I said, if he wants to feel better, he should give back good to others, to those people like what Callie mentioned above, or to strangers even. It would make him feel better to know that he's changing and trying to be a better person. But if he really wants to get in touch with his ex (which I don't think is a good idea as most others here as well) then doing good to those who know her is one way.

Whatever it is, good luck Peter.EU. I hope you'll find some peace from this. If she can get past that experience, maybe someday, you can hope for, that she forgives you for what you did, on her own. In the meantime, best you forgive yourself and do some good in your life. Really, the worst thing I'm afraid of is how bad it might affect her or trigger her issues once she hears from you again. It kinda puts you back in those times, and especially abusive times, they tend to be and feel vivid in memory as they were in real life.. it's a totally unexplainable feeling. :\

Hope she is doing better and all right in life at least.

 

[Peter.EU]

Thank you Lady Forsaken for advice. Even though I don't quite agree with you point - mostly because she has very good and happy life, she is married and quite likely even mother now, I am sure she feels no hatred or regret - I appreciate your effort.

For the rest of you spammers: Look, kids, if I wanted ton contact her I will do so. If fact, few weeks ago I sent her message about news in my life - my business, my travel... So your 8-pages argue if to contact or no is pointless. This question was ment for adult audience, you really should't answer posts if you have little or no experience in relationships. This particularly goes to that "picky fuzz". I can assure you if you at least like somebody, you are very unlikely to forget him.


Secondly, my internet is slow now so I can't post direct likt but there is project of Open University. I sincerely advise you to visit these pages and dowload some study materials. You will spent your time much more productively. Alternatively, if you insist to be on your computer, Charles Dickens wrote some pretty good novels, I read Sapkowski - The Witcher or maybe I can advise you Jules Verne (considering your age and emotional maturity). Or simply whatever literature that suits you. Also, Code Academy is place where you can learn basics of basic proggraming languages or simply download some good freeware from net.

With you best luck and hopefully more productive time.

Peter

 

[Ymir]

Now I'm curious. Did she reply?

 

[Rainbows]

I almost feel offended, good thing I'm not.
Also I speak about 7/8 languages, I'm so unproductive and uneducated.
Thank you so much for enlightening me. You opened my eyes.

 

[Lowlander]

LOL. I will fill my days how I want, thank you very much. I'll have you know that I have signed up for a new college course, I'm busy taking driving lessons, etc .... and really, 'kid', you even spelled 'programming languages' wrong and other things as well, it gives me the impression of a rapidly typed and worked up reply. I'll have you know that I have quite some experience in life. Furthermore I am 20 years old so I give in fact 'adult advice' even though you may not like it. You're feeling bad about yourself, telling people what a jerk you have been. When people comment things you don't like, you're sad. The purpose of a forum is to give people the ability to comment on things users share. But okay, I will continue my unproductive life, as you call it.

I'll give my advice once more, leave the person alone, and move on with your life, that's my short answer. Because really, sulking over something and wanting to return to a woman who is now happy and probably never thinks about you again - or wants to - is rather unproductive.


Have a nice day.

 

[PieBeNice]

Thank you Lady Forsaken for advice. Even though I don't quite agree with you point - mostly because she has very good and happy life, she is married and quite likely even mother now, I am sure she feels no hatred or regret - I appreciate your effort.

For the rest of you spammers: Look, kids, if I wanted ton contact her I will do so. If fact, few weeks ago I sent her message about news in my life - my business, my travel... So your 8-pages argue if to contact or no is pointless. This question was ment for adult audience, you really should't answer posts if you have little or no experience in relationships. This particularly goes to that "picky fuzz". I can assure you if you at least like somebody, you are very unlikely to forget him.


Secondly, my internet is slow now so I can't post direct likt but there is project of Open University. I sincerely advise you to visit these pages and dowload some study materials. You will spent your time much more productively. Alternatively, if you insist to be on your computer, Charles Dickens wrote some pretty good novels, I read Sapkowski - The Witcher or maybe I can advise you Jules Verne (considering your age and emotional maturity). Or simply whatever literature that suits you. Also, Code Academy is place where you can learn basics of basic proggraming languages or simply download some good freeware from net.

With you best luck and hopefully more productive time.

Peter

Treat someone awfully. Get called out for it. Whines about being called out for it yet calls people childish. Much productive.

Nice list of things to do btw but it's a shame you didn't put "look for consent to stalk ex from people on the internet". Would be totally ossum.

 

[Lowlander]

Just saying - Code Academy offers web development tutorials, there are no actual programming language courses offered.

 

[Rainbows]

(I spend 75% of my time reading, drawing or writing. Just saying.)