I wish I met her sooner...

[Renley]

If you really don't feel anything for your wife you need to break up asap. The longer you wait the more difficult it's going to be. Like you said thank god you don't have children yet. As for your wife, it seems she knows you don't love her, don't make her suffer for the rest of her life, let her meet someone who will actually love her. As for your friends and family, screw them, if they treat you differently than they were no good to begin with.

My opinion

 

[Limlim]

Not to go off on a tangent, but what exactly does your wife do all day if she doesn't have a job and isn't raising kids? I know house maintenance and meal prep do take some time, but not enough to encompass an entire day without little brats around.

Edit: actually that is the very definition of going off on a tangent.

 

[blackhole]

He admitted having feelings for her, and feelings doesn't have a switch you can either turn on or off, it is indeed ill, but it can't be stopped unless he does something about it, . Example, admitting and asking help or advice, now you can judge or help. And to tell you honestly, I don't tolerate infidelity too, you'd realize that if you're not too busy thinking your the only just person here. You really don't know me, and you don't know anyone here, most people don't need aggression they need understanding and advice.

jesus-god,

this is really annoying.

okay there, so, should i go point-for-point?

1. "feelings DOESN'T (you mean "don't") have a switch you can just turn on and off"

duh, irrelevant. no one said anything to the contrary. my point was that he had to indulge his close "friendship" with anna for quite some time to build these feelings. said this clearly, a couple of times now actually. apples and oranges. strawman argument.

2. "now you can judge or help"

excuse me? so your point-of-view is "helping" and others points-of-view are "judging" simply because you don't like the tone or delivery? um, okay... sounds like you are actually the one "judging", lol. i can't speak for others, but my contribution in this thread comes from a strong place of principles. this issue IS very black-and-white for me. again and apparently, my viewpoint differs from yours. so what?

3. "I don't tolerate infidelity too (you mean "either"?), you'd realize that if you're not too busy thinking your the only just person (huh?) here. You really don't know me, and you don't know anyone here"

wait, what? did i say anything about your beliefs and morals? and along that same line, have i ever responded to anything your said or contributed up until now? and i certainly never claimed to "know" you or anyone here. if you have the impression that i am calling your character into question...well...then, idk, you might be paranoid. while i and others are busy responding to the original poster, you are coming after us, not the other way around.

4. "most people don't need aggression they need understanding and advice"

wow, this again? so now having a blunt way with words is "aggression"? really? was is my comment about having his "**** pointed towards anna"? again, you may not like the delivery, but what i said is far from aggression. honestly, i think you are the one showing aggression by taking personal offense at the points-of-view of others that differ from yours, judging their character and intentions, and branding them as aggressive or rude or non-helpful or otherwise.

the point is, the knows his wife loves him and yet he indulged an emotional affair. how much "understanding" does he need? you can give him all the understanding you want. sorry, i don't agree. i think sometimes people need tough love, and that means hearing things put bluntly. should i PM you next time i have an opposing viewpoint and also send a rough draft of my comment to make sure you approve of it's tone and delivery?

 

[mintymint]

You sound aggressive to me

 

[blackhole]

You sound aggressive to me

ah, the white knight. ever tire of that?

 

[mintymint]

You sound aggressive to me

ah, the white knight. ever tire of that?

Ever tire of making new accounts? lol

 

[blackhole]

You sound aggressive to me

ah, the white knight. ever tire of that?

Ever tire of making new accounts? lol

you first.

 

[mintymint]

You sound aggressive to me

ah, the white knight. ever tire of that?

Ever tire of making new accounts? lol

you first.

lol@editing

 

[blackhole]

You sound aggressive to me

ah, the white knight. ever tire of that?

Ever tire of making new accounts? lol

you first.

lol@editing

mhm

 

[beans]

Your wife did not do anything wrong to you. She does not deserve this and certainly does not deserve you. Even though she does not work and have no goals now doesn't give you an excuse to secretly and lustfully go at it with another woman.

If I was your wife, I wish you'd tell me now and I'd leave, go back to school, start my own career, turn things around and meet a man who is a real man.

You also feel bad because you were raised religious. Also, you are probably thinking of a possible karmadic experience where when you eventually get to be with Anna or someone else, that down the road, Anna may meet someone more desirable and interesting than you and think "Gee, I wish I met David sooner."

---

If you really don't feel anything for your wife you need to break up asap. The longer you wait the more difficult it's going to be. Like you said thank god you don't have children yet. As for your wife, it seems she knows you don't love her, don't make her suffer for the rest of her life, let her meet someone who will actually love her. As for your friends and family, screw them, if they treat you differently than they were no good to begin with.

My opinion

Love it when people use the excuse "I just don't love you anymore" to break off a marriage.


Q: Why don't you love me anymore?

"I just don't. I don't know."

Great.

 

[floffyschneeman]

So harsh, he didn't even tell her he is having feelings for her, and he also said he made a decision not to see her. aaand he also said, he knows Anna might not share the same feelings as he is having.

Comments like that should not be posted.

i beg to differ.

he claims to be "in love" with another woman,

exactly how does that happen while one is living up to his vows?

not harsh at all, sorry i just don't tolerate emotional infidelity as leniently as you do.

different strokes for different folks.

simple truth is: while he is pining after anna, i can tell you what he is NOT doing, and that is thinking about his wife and family.

maybe harsh, but may also be the reason that most marriages fail.

don't jump in my **** for having principles.

if you don't like my delivery, then kiss off.

there you go at judging people too hastily.

And yes, tone matters. One thought can inspire a person or discourage him, depending on HOW you say it.

Nothing is as plain as black and white. Specially with feelings. No one can decide I will like or unlike this person. Sometimes feelings evolve unknowingly or unintentionally. But the point is if you'll indulge in it or not. The fact that he is here, asking people's opinion says that he sees the danger sign and is stopping himself before making too much damage.

Our points don't differ too much, I just don't agree with your useless aggression. Go punch some walls, if it helps.

And useless to point out my grammar errors. You see english is not my first language and though I admit I should know it more than I do now, that's beside the point. Did you understand what I was saying? By answering to my post, clearly I was effective at delivering my point. Now what's your point in pointing out my grammar errors? Does it justify your views more if you point out I'm dumb? You've pushed a sensitive spot as I am struggling with that thought of being or becoming dumb. That's an example of how you say things affects people in ways you don't even intend to. You should have more tact (opinion) if you wish to give out your advice in a forum full of depressed people.

Lastly, please, never PM me.

---

@everyone: sorry for going out of topic.

 

[Admetus]

I'm with blackhole on this one, you are not in love with the new girl, you are just lusting for her. Love is what's left after the butterflies fade and it's probably what you have with your wife if you would just look.

Humans work in cycles you see, "Lust" or romantic love is a biological impulse that drives man and woman together for about 3-7 years (bit longer for men), which conveniently is roughly the time it takes to have a kid and raise it through the most vulnerable years. In the interests of genetic variation the romantic love turns off (as inevitable as death and taxes). At which point the idea is to go find new partners and do it all over again. You saying "you never really loved her" is your mind trying to rationalise your desire to leave her - just making yourself feel better really.

Might sound like I'm saying marriage is folly, but I'm not. It provides a very strong bedrock for a society, having both parents around for the kid beyond the toddler years goes a long way towards civilising the little brats. Unfortunately it does not work when a) society is not structured to enforce it (hello no-fault divorce, alimony, child support...) and b) young people like yourself are not told what to expect from a marriage (i.e. romantic love fades and if you chose right you end up with a life long best friend).

Having said that my grandmother - (married over 50 years before my grandfather died) who went in armed with nothing but grim realism, said that she fell in and out of romantic love with my grandfather multiple times over the years.

 

[floffyschneeman]

I'm with blackhole on this one, you are not in love with the new girl, you are just lusting for her. Love is what's left after the butterflies fade and it's probably what you have with your wife if you would just look.

Humans work in cycles you see, "Lust" or romantic love is a biological impulse that drives man and woman together for about 3-7 years (bit longer for men), which conveniently is roughly the time it takes to have a kid and raise it through the most vulnerable years. In the interests of genetic variation the romantic love turns off (as inevitable as death and taxes). At which point the idea is to go find new partners and do it all over again. You saying "you never really loved her" is your mind trying to rationalise your desire to leave her - just making yourself feel better really.

Might sound like I'm saying marriage is folly, but I'm not. It provides a very strong bedrock for a society, having both parents around for the kid beyond the toddler years goes a long way towards civilising the little brats. Unfortunately it does not work when a) society is not structured to enforce it (hello no-fault divorce, alimony, child support...) and b) young people like yourself are not told what to expect from a marriage (i.e. romantic love fades and if you chose right you end up with a life long best friend).

Having said that my grandmother - (married over 50 years before my grandfather died) who went in armed with nothing but grim realism, said that she fell in and out of romantic love with my grandfather multiple times over the years.

I agree with you too. That the OP shouldn't leave his wife just cos of this new exciting feelings, I think. (I just don't agree with Blackhole making the OP feel like he's the scum of the world) Anyway, the fact that he married his wife says that he did love her at some point and maybe he just needs to remind himself of those things that made him marry her. The part of falling in love with his wife, again.

 

[tangerinedream]

I am 24, m, married. I married when I was 21. At the time I was religiously devout and part of the reason I married was because of my religious beliefs. My wife is a wonderful person, she loves me like I am sure no one else will ever love me. And although this will sound ungrateful of my part, I cannot seem to love her the way she loves me. In hindsight getting married was a mistake. Simply because I had not seen enough of life to truly know the magnitude of the decision I made.

If that is really how you feel, and you are unwilling to go to therapy to save your marriage, then I say get the **** out now, Anna or no Anna.

Your wife deserves better.

She deserves to be with someone who loves her as much as she loves him, or with someone who is willing to try.

 

[Peter Lorre]

You know, the OP isn't the scum of the earth. He didn't kiss Anna, he didn't cheat on his wife, he's going through a phase filled with doubt and fear; fear of making the wrong decision.

So why are we all so judgmental? He only wanted our help...

 

[blackhole]

help has been offered.

help comes in different forms.

some help is motherly coddling.

other help is a verbal backhand to say "hey! wtf are you doing?"

we can't all be touchy-feelie now can we?

or shall we lock arms and sing kumbaya in a thread where a married man is talking about having an emotional affair?

 

[Luna]

Remember, worst case scenario, there is always the possibility if/when you do divorce your wife...you'll be subject to an endless amount of searching for that "true love" and die miserable, alone. It happens every single day.

So true.
I know a few guys who gave up a woman who treated them like gold all because the lusted after someone else.
Those guys are in their mid-forties now and admitted to regretting it.
If he (and others like him) divorces - it's not him that benefits.
It's his wonderful wife because she deserves so much better.
I admit, I don't have much pity for any man or woman who is well-loved by their partner and doesn't appreciate it.

Love it when people use the excuse "I just don't love you anymore" to break off a marriage.


Q: Why don't you love me anymore?

"I just don't. I don't know."

Great.

I agree.

*****

Really...the problem is with you. You don't have an awful marriage - you simply have wandering desires. Try to work things out.
It's sad that your wife has been with you for so long (7 years) and in comes this other woman and suddenly you claim to feel something for her that you have never felt for your wife.
The sooner you sort it out the better.
If you can never appreciate your wife - don't be so selfish to keep her to yourself (ie. Thinking you'll never find better/ Because you don't want to ruin your reputation through divorce etc) - show her respect by letting her find someone who will love and cherish her.

 

[TheSolitaryMan]

I'm 20 right now, have always been single, so please don't take my advice too much to heart, as I lack experience. As another young person though, hopefully I will be of some use with what I offer.

Please, tell me how bad of a person I am. I need know it but my heart justifies my actions and that is not a good thing.

You're not a bad person. You're a confused person. You have shown some strength of character by not just having an affair to begin with.

I can see where blackhole is coming from here.

You've admitted you're very busy lately, you're working hard and you're furthering your career. Perhaps it'd be good if you took some time off to nurture your relationship with your wife?

Even if work is going great, working really hard delivers stress behind the scenes. It can sneak up on you. I think Anna is partly so attractive because she is convenient - you admitted your wife loves you "like no other could".

Anna may well be a wonderful person, but the reason you feel a real connection with her is most likely because of the mystery, adventure and freshness of a new relationship. Down the line, I think it's quite possible you will lose that "new spark" you've got with her, and she may well lose it with you too. I don't think it's worth losing someone who clearly loves you for that.

Take some time off work or cut down on your hours, just for a short time.

Spend more time where it matters; with your wife. Organise a holiday with her, do something different and unusual that you'd think she'd enjoy.

While you were very young when you married, something must have drawn you to her. I think many people believe they're losing their feelings for someone when really it's because they're not spending time together like they used to.

You have something really great already - a woman you know who is there for you. Realise that many people do not have this, and yearn for it all the time.

If she's lonely, take some time out to make sure that she isn't. It's quite possible that you'll discover that your unhappiness was actually due to your own loneliness, because you were isolating yourself from her, not because you didn't/don't love her.

If you're spending lots of time together but feel the same way, that's when you must talk with her and figure out your feelings. I think you're being too hasty when you have your plate full with your job.

 

[floffyschneeman]

help has been offered.

help comes in different forms.

some help is motherly coddling.

other help is a verbal backhand to say "hey! wtf are you doing?"

we can't all be touchy-feelie now can we?

or shall we lock arms and sing kumbaya in a thread where a married man is talking about having an emotional affair?

really, the only thing I disagreed with your post is this...

people like you shouldn't get married.

...as I don't think it is helpful nor relevant in the situation, specially if said to someone who is confuse but wanting to do what is right. and BAM! like the great explosion, a lot of words have been said. Which I still think are useless. But anyway, the more I comment, the more you'll rage out.

---

This situation reminds me of a story I heard in church a long time ago. About a married man with kids.

As far as I remembered it went like this...

>he was happily married
>met a co-worker he thought was a nice person
>got to meet that person regularly but unintentionally at the drinking fountain after lunch
>talked and have gotten friends
>noticed that he was getting excited to seeing her
>noticed that he even changes his routines just so it would coincide with hers and they can see each other
>felt bad about it so he told his wife
>they prayed about it (I heard it in church) he promised to avoid the girl and worked on their marriage e.g. talk more and have bonding time together
>noticed that feelings didn't fade
>made a decision, as a family, to move to a different state. Big adjustment for the kids who have to adjust to new school, for wife to adjust to a new town. But they both agreed with it as it would help the family in the long run.


That's what I meant about feelings not having switch you can turn on or off and that situations like this isn't as simple as black and white. It doesn't make you a bad person to think that you have feelings for someone even if you're married or in a relationship, it just makes you a confused person, what determines your character will be the things you'll do with those ill feelings. The OP may have indulged it at some point or another, we'll never know unless he tells us, he may be conscious with his actions or not, but fact is, he is asking for advice now, meaning he is willing to do something about the situation.

Now, I don't see where judgmental comments as the one quoted would help nor can be considered as tough love and defending the OP requires mockery.

 

[Peter Lorre]

help has been offered.

help comes in different forms.

some help is motherly coddling.

other help is a verbal backhand to say "hey! wtf are you doing?"

we can't all be touchy-feelie now can we?

or shall we lock arms and sing kumbaya in a thread where a married man is talking about having an emotional affair?

No, because that would be judgemental behaviour aswell.

Advice (regardless of it being relevant/helpful):

-Get a divorce
-Work it out with your wife
-Invest more time and energy in your relationship

Judgments:

-You're a good/bad guy
-Your wife deserves better
-You're not confused, you're lusting/thinking with your... and it's bad
-Your wife did not deserve this nor does she deserve someone like you
-People like you shouldn't get married
-...


How are those helpful?