I wish I met her sooner...

[SophiaGrace]

No, because that would be judgemental behaviour aswell.

Advice (regardless of it being relevant/helpful):

-Get a divorce
-Work it out with your wife
-Invest more time and energy in your relationship

Judgments:

-You're a good/bad guy
-Your wife deserves better
-You're not confused, you're lusting/thinking with your... and it's bad
-Your wife did not deserve this nor does she deserve someone like you
-People like you shouldn't get married
-...


How are those helpful?

+1

 

[blackhole]

i will highlight the problematic areas in your quote (and no, this isn't an attack on your grammar, it's an attack on the premise)

This situation reminds me of a story I heard in church a long time ago. About a married man with kids.

As far as I remembered it went like this...

>he was happily married
>met a co-worker he thought was a nice person
>got to (chose to) meet that person regularly but unintentionally (his feet move on their own) at the drinking fountain after lunch
>talked (his mouth has a mind of its own) and have gotten friends
>noticed (lol, noticed?) that he was getting excited to seeing her
>noticed (again?) that he even changes his routines (his routines must have a mind of their own) just so it would coincide with hers and they can see each other
>felt bad about it so he told his wife
>they prayed about it (I heard it in church) he promised to avoid the girl and worked on their marriage e.g. talk more and have bonding time together
>noticed that feelings didn't fade
>made a decision, as a family, to move (wtf?) to a different state. Big adjustment for the kids who have to adjust to new school, for wife to adjust to a new town. But they both agreed with it as it would help the family in the long run. (this man took his family and physically moved far away so it would be impossible for him not to cheat on his wife? if so, that is one of the most preposterous things i have ever read.)

your story raises a good point. but i'm a firm believer in personal responsibility. the problem with people nowadays is that no one takes responsibility for their own actions.

isn't it funny how he "got to" meet her regularly?

- um, no, he CHOSE to

isn't it funny how he kept "unintentionally" meeting her at the drinking fountain and talking?

- lol, what timing, me thinks he CHOSE to

he even "noticed" that his routines began to change so he could meet her!

- holy crap! this guy's routines have artificial intelligence, he doesn't even choose where he goes and what he does! it just sorta "happens"!

i mean, come on, those verbs were ridiculous.

it's like when my daughter was younger.

- "Dad, the water fell."

-- "Um, no it didn't, Honey. You dropped it"

- "Dad, the keys got locked inside your car."

-- "Um, no they didn't. YOU locked them inside the car."

- "Dad, the kool-aid fell and the kitchen floor GOT stained."

- "U, no it didn't. You DROPPED the kool-aid and stained the floor."

one comes to expect this sort of talk from a child, but not from any credible adult.

---

and yes, i was being a bit of an *** earlier.

i do give the OP credit for at least not being technically unfaithful.

my problem was with people all swooping in and seemingly encouraging what does amount to emotional infidelity and almost justifying it.

 

[floffyschneeman]

I see your point but again, not as simple as black and white. There's nothing wrong with them talking cos they're co-workers. nothing wrong with meeting at the office cos, well, they're co-workers. And most of the times, married men (and women) have this feeling of safety that they will never fall for other people again as they are married. But from time to time, specially when the relationship in the house is going in rough phase, married people may doubt the foundation of their marriage and think that they want to be single again and chase their ''Anna''

But does that mean they are bad people? that they are neglectful of their marriage? that they are infidel? Not necessarily, for the reason that these phenomenon are normal in marriage or in a long term relationship. So again, what will determine if you're a bad person, if you're neglectful of you're marriage, if you're infidel will be the things you will act base on those ill growing feelings you have.

Or your solution is for married to people to never speak to single people of the opposite sex?

Going back to the OP... I still see it as irrelevant to make him feel like he's a bad person because he isn't.

Who has a perfect marriage anyway? Like parenting, marriage is something people can't get ready for, regardless of how old or stable you are at the time you got married. There will always be tough times. It's what you do in that certain times that will strengthen your marriage and your character or break them.

 

[blackhole]

a man's word is his bond,

it's all he has,

society has forgotten this,

if when times get tough, he doesn't honor his word,

well....................

 

[floffyschneeman]

Also, I see your point on emotional cheating, and at certain degrees, I agree with you, but I don't think that it applies strongly the the OP's situation. It would, if he showed Anna he liked her, if they flirted with each other, example, talking in vague hints that they like each other. If he met or even tried to meet her alone outside from the normal reasons that would make them meet, example, group meetings. (EDIT: cos then that would be a clear act of nurturing the ill feelings, feeding fire with fire)

If so, this will give you more basis to call a person bad in your own standards or opinion. But til then, with nothing of a firm grasp about the OP's character or his move towards his feelings with Anna and towards Anna, how can you judge him so strongly? Your forceful speech better be directed at people who needs to hear it. Just not to someone who is trying to do the right thing.

 

[blackhole]

Also, I see your point on emotional cheating, and at certain degrees, I agree with you, but I don't think that it applies strongly the the OP's situation. It would, if he showed Anna he liked her, if they flirted with each other, example, talking in vague hints that they like each other. If he met or even tried to meet her alone outside from the normal reasons that would make them meet, example, group meetings.

If so, this will give you more basis to call a person bad in your own standards or opinion. But til then, with nothing of a firm grasp about the OP's character or his move towards his feelings with Anna and towards Anna, how can you judge him so strongly? Your forceful speech better be directed at people who needs to hear it. Just not to someone who is trying to do the right thing.

you're right. i admitted i was being a bit of an ***.

your first mistake was ever taking anything that i say 100% seriously.

 

[floffyschneeman]

Out of topic to the original thread:

I just think that as forum members (and even as people in the real world) we have a responsibility with our actions and with the words we say. Cos the things we do and say affect people and we may not be aware of it. It's not taking what you said 100% serious, I just see that it might affect the OP or people who struggling in the same situation.

But thank you and cheers

 

[blackhole]

Out of topic to the original thread:

I just think that as forum members (and even as people in the real world) we have a responsibility with our actions and with the words we say. Cos the things we do and say affect people and we may not be aware of it. It's not taking what you said 100% serious, I just see that it might affect the OP or people who struggling in the same situation.

But thank you and cheers

fair enough.

 

[beans]

Out of topic to the original thread:

I just think that as forum members (and even as people in the real world) we have a responsibility with our actions and with the words we say.

I've met very few people like these on this forum.

 

[Mazda13bRotary]

Meh, the world's most successful marriages are based on lies anyway. Go ahead and bang Anna, you may discover that you prefer short term relationships with lots of chicks, rather than a long term relationship with one single chick.

 

[TheSolitaryMan]

Meh, the world's most successful marriages are based on lies anyway. Go ahead and bang Anna, you may discover that you prefer short term relationships with lots of chicks, rather than a long term relationship with one single chick.

I don't want to seem snarky Mazda, but doesn't this run a bit contrary to your stated opinions in the other thread ("Does anyone do long term anymore?")

On the one hand you wonder why girls won't commit to long-term relationships, on the other you advise a guy who has a 7 year long relationship with a woman to trade it in for a "bang" with someone he's just met...

I honestly think that'd be a foolish move. Perhaps the OP will indeed find that he likes brief, shallow deals more than long relationships, but I think the larger chance is that he'll end up feeling alienated, lonely and/or regret his actions.

 

[Mazda13bRotary]

I honestly think that'd be a foolish move. Perhaps the OP will indeed find that he likes brief, shallow deals more than long relationships, but I think the larger chance is that he'll end up feeling alienated, lonely and/or regret his actions.

Of course he's going to end up feeling lonely and alienated, deep down inside no one really likes the short term stuff. Everyone needs that special someone around, I don't care what they say, think, or do. The OP has always had a loyal woman, and always had that security that she will be there. He's taking her for granted. Once he experiences the cheating, lying, and insecurity he'll understand. Can't realize a sunny day unless you've had a rainy one.

 

[blackhole]

Of course he's going to end up feeling lonely and alienated, deep down inside no one really likes the short term stuff. Everyone needs that special someone around, I don't care what they say, think, or do. The OP has always had a loyal woman, and always had that security that she will be there. He's taking her for granted. Once he experiences the cheating, lying, and insecurity he'll understand. Can't realize a sunny day unless you've had a rainy one.

yep

 

[AFrozenSoul]

Meh, I don't think you are a bad person. It sounds like you were pressured into being married. I mean 21 is really young, and religion will play a HUGE role is the pressure you feel to get married. I find that many young people get sucked into the fantasy of being married. After all, if you marry at 21. Then you can celebrate a 50 year anniversary. Hell at 25 you could have your kids. Hell with any luck, you could get your kid into the same routine and see your great grand children.

No offense, your relationship with your wife sounds like it has been decomposing for quite some time. If your wife can go away for a month and you don't care.... well that says it right there. Hell if I got married, and my wife wanted to go away for more than two weeks. I would make sure that I could go be with her after two weeks or at least we would be spending the weekends together... you know catching up on missed sex... I mean "quality time" talking about our love...

If spending time with your wife cannot make you come home after your 8 hours. That says you love your job too much... or you cannot manage your time at work.

I say, time to be blunt with your wife. Tell her about this and see if she actually wants to do something about your relationship. Not to be a ****... but it sounds like she would be ready to sign divorce papers... hell she might already have them.

 

[iris]

Marriages are made for raising and educating children, otherwise.. what's really the point?

It sounds like your wife doesn't want to work and needs you to provide for her financially, I'm surprised no one pointed this out to you. Of course she's showing you she loves you... and probably soon enough she intends to get pregnant.

You are very young and you should not be spending your youth regretting and wondering what would have been like if you would have followed your feelings. You might think I'm an ***, but people cheat on their spouses all the time - with other people from work, with other people they meet during their lifetime.. and then they come home, talk to their spouse and play with their children. It's just the way things are.

If you don't have children with your wife and you don't love her, don't stay committed to her just because it's convenient... She could go back home to her parents until she finds a job (she's very young, at this age she can more easily find work, if she really wants to). She'll be OK, a divorce it's not the end of the world.