I'm a 31 year old guy, frustrated with being judged for only wanting to date younger women.

[DeadDreamsWhispering]

Seriously. I don't understand why so many women my age and older seem to think I don't have a right to my own (perfectly consensual and legal) preference. Throughout my late teens and 20s I struggled with some fairly big psychological issues and I think they really affected me on a romantic level with women. Quite a few women weren't interested in me which is normal for a lot of men but I also think I missed quite a few opportunities just through 2nd guessing them or just not recognizing a woman's interest in me. As a result I feel like I really missed out almost entirely on sexual and romantic experiences at that age.

Recently though, in my early 30s, I've felt myself start to progress in life. I finally found my life's calling back in October when I decided I was going to start writing music for video games and film fulltime. I'm still not earning much money at all but a short film I did the music for is going to be shown at two international film festivals over in the US and the UK and I'm doing the composing and sound design for a bunch of video game projects I'm excited about. I know things are on the right path long term. I started Brazilian Jiu Jitsu in my late 20s and while I'm not good at it, it has me in much better shape than I've pretty much ever been in. I've felt myself gaining a bit more confidence as well, the idea of talking to a woman I liked the look of but didn't know used to give me a lot of anxiety but it doesn't seem to bother me so much now. I'm not a male model in looks but I don't think I'm physically unattractive either.

I don't mention any of these things to boast, just to explain why I think it is I'm turning a corner in life and getting to a much better place. I'm hoping to finally find a long term partner and to put it bluntly, I'm not interested in anyone my age. It may be because I feel like I missed out on the experiences I wanted to have when I was younger (or maybe I'd feel the same regardless, who knows) but I only feel any strong attraction for women around the early 20s mark. I've actually recently felt interest from younger women on one or two occasions but the situation/timing have simply been out. I don't know if anyone here reading this is going to post something like "You can't say that for sure, you might meet someone your age who you really want" but no, this isn't going to happen and I'm not interested in arguing it here so please don't make any of those posts suggesting it might. I think maybe I should clarify that if I were to get with a woman in the age range I want, I'd have no issue with her aging over time (we all do) but it matters to me a lot at the start of the relationship and there isn't actually anything I can do to change that. It's just how I feel.
I recently opened up to a childhood friend of mine (who is a woman the same age as me but in a long term relationship and with a son) about how I felt about this thinking that because she was a childhood friend and not affected by my dating preferences in any way shape or form that she'd be happy for me and as a friend would want me to go for what would make me happy. I guess I was wrong for trusting her because all I got after that, both in person and in online conversation was sanctimonious judgement about how I'm misogynistic for having that preference and how it makes me immature. How about how her and her partner chose to work and compromise on things that weren't perfect about each other. Okay but what on earth does that have to do with me? Any relationship requires compromise in some areas but that doesn't mean I have to compromise on my age preference and the fact is that I'd rather be alone for the rest of my life than to do that. By the end of it, she'd got so self righteous and condescending (whilst claiming the whole time that she had empathy for me) that I just got to the point where I felt I needed her out of my life despite the fact we'd known each other since we were 2 years old and removed her off Facebook.

To me, the mentality behind her comments seem to boil down to this idea that men my age are somehow morally obligated to date women our age which I think is just the female version of a guy who thinks women owe him ***. And tbh, a big part of the reason I'm posing this is because I'm seeing older women all over the internet spew bigotry at age gap couples where the man is older and I'm honestly sick of it. I think that no one owes anyone anything in dating and again I'm saying that as a guy who hasn't done well romantically so far at all. I guess this is a venting post because this isn't the first time I've felt judged over this and I'm sick of seeing it everywhere.

 

[dan27]

Don't forget your party hat, stud...

 

[ardour]

Nevermind.

 

[Claudia1794]

I am one 43 year old woman that sees nothing wrong with an age gap. I actually think you wanting to experience dating through the times you missed out on makes sense. You can date whoever you choose. Damn anyone else. That being said, ruling out a woman based on her age might leave you with some missed opportunities but if that's your choice, so be it.

 

[Rohini]

It's your life, no one else's. In the end - you will do what you want.

I think you're perturbed by other's opinions on your lifestyle choices.. why though? if you're confident in your choices and how you want to live your life, it shouldn't concern you of other's opinion.

Just do what you want to.

 

[DeadDreamsWhispering]

(I know who you are. Hope you don't mind me commenting.)

What would you expect? They're angry about the loss of attention with age.

Depends on the age gap, more precisely, the age of the younger party. Realistically 18-20 is out of the question. That is basically a high school kid. You will be harshly and selling it to her parents will be impossible. 23/24 onwards should be okay. I have two male coworkers; one 40 year old man who married a 24 year old. Another, 38, married a 23 year old. I don't recall any negative gossip about it at work and the place is majority middle aged women.

Sure, I feel similarly, I'm just not attracted to grandmas or the middle aged appearance, and campus being full of cute girls and young people in general has kind of messed me up , but no way can I go anywhere near that age group now. You'll have to adjust too at some point.

So what? Some guys are angry about their lack of ***, it doesn't make it right for them to say women owe them it. Same goes for these women. They have no right to act the way they do honestly.

Nah 20 is perfectly fine for me and if anyone else doesn't like it they are the problem. If anyone in their family wanted to get violent over it I'm not entirely defenceless so that is what it is. 18-19 I'd be very hesitant with unless they were really mature and their family was okay. 23 is getting to my upper limit honestly.

If worse comes to worse in 10-15 years time, I won't adjust because I just won't date at all. Like I said, I'd rather have nothing than do something I have zero desire whatsoever to do.

 

[DeadDreamsWhispering]

It's your life, no one else's. In the end - you will do what you want.

I think you're perturbed by other's opinions on your lifestyle choices.. why though? if you're confident in your choices and how you want to live your life, it shouldn't concern you of other's opinion.

Just do what you want to.

It frustrates me because even people I considered close to me in my personal life seem to think they have the right to act this way. If they were men showing this kind of entitlement around *** they'd be attacked and criticized the way Incels are.

 

[DeadDreamsWhispering]

I am one 43 year old woman that sees nothing wrong with an age gap. I actually think you wanting to experience dating through the times you missed out on makes sense. You can date whoever you choose. Damn anyone else. That being said, ruling out a woman based on her age might leave you with some missed opportunities but if that's your choice, so be it.

Thank you for taking such a mature and reasonable angle on it.

 

[TheRealCallie]

Let me say to start that there is nothing wrong with wanting a younger woman. I know a lot of women that are dating older men and always have. Hell, my grandfather was 18 years older than my grandmother, so that's not an issue for me in any way and it shouldn't be for anyone else. If it works for you, that's what works for you.

Now, here comes the part where people ***** at me. What you want is not going to be easy to find. Yes, they are out there, but it is going to take a lot of work to find a girl that wants to date older men and you will likely get a lot of rejection. People are going to ***** and whine about how you want to date younger and how it's wrong and blah blah blah, but you want what you want. **** everyone else's opinions, they don't matter.
Okay, I'm not arguing here and I'm not trying to sway you in your choices, BUT....I don't think anyone should rule anyone out. Even if you aren't romantically attracted to a person, they could be the person that sets you up with your "true love" or whatever. They could become your best friend. They could open your world up to exactly what you want or maybe even what you never knew you wanted. Everything is an opportunity, even if it's not what you really want. So yeah, I don't think anyone should just dismiss anyone because you never know.

 

[DeadDreamsWhispering]

Let me say to start that there is nothing wrong with wanting a younger woman. I know a lot of women that are dating older men and always have. Hell, my grandfather was 18 years older than my grandmother, so that's not an issue for me in any way and it shouldn't be for anyone else. If it works for you, that's what works for you.

Now, here comes the part where people ***** at me. What you want is not going to be easy to find. Yes, they are out there, but it is going to take a lot of work to find a girl that wants to date older men and you will likely get a lot of rejection. People are going to ***** and whine about how you want to date younger and how it's wrong and blah blah blah, but you want what you want. **** everyone else's opinions, they don't matter.
Okay, I'm not arguing here and I'm not trying to sway you in your choices, BUT....I don't think anyone should rule anyone out. Even if you aren't romantically attracted to a person, they could be the person that sets you up with your "true love" or whatever. They could become your best friend. They could open your world up to exactly what you want or maybe even what you never knew you wanted. Everything is an opportunity, even if it's not what you really want. So yeah, I don't think anyone should just dismiss anyone because you never know.

Thanks, you make good points. I think it may not be too hard to find one though, I've already had randomly felt it happen a couple of times not so long ago, just need to go out more.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

Honestly I didn't know this was a thing I've never even dated a guy around my age lol I thought this was normal but, I agree OP no one should judge ya.

 

[user 135671]

Most societies embrace increasingly progressive views on love, relationships and the rich variety of ways they can present nowadays, so I don't get why couples where one person is much older than the other still face judgement.

Titanic turns 25 this year at which point I assume Leonardo DiCaprio will no longer want to be in it.

 

[user 139760]

Well, I understand that and feel the same way. Though my definition of younger is so narrow I might as well never say it lol. 35+ in my case. Younger than that, I think would leave me rather uncomfortable. Though I've oft dated girls older than me, my kids mom is five years older.

I think it's fine, if it's honest.

 

[ringwood]

I don't see a problem at all with your desire to date younger women. Honestly, I don't even consider the age gap much of a gap at all - there was 11 years between my parents. When I was in my early 20's, I always dated men older than myself - like in their 40's and even 50's. One of my best friends is a man I dated when I was in my 30's and he was in his mid-50's - there's a 23-year gap between us.

Anyway, my point is - date who you want to date and don't give a thought to all the naysayers out there who feel you're doing something wrong. There will always be people around to criticize your actions, no matter what you do. Ignore them.

 

[NoxApex(N/A)]

The Problem With The Dating Puddle in 2022:

 

[TheSkaFish]

I think, it's like you said - all consensual and legal, so there's no problem.

I think the people who have a problem with it, sound like busybodies who are just looking for some issue to jump on, to try to put someone else down, so that they can feel "higher" and boost their status and ego by feeling morally superior. Anybody that actually has a life doesn't have spare time/energy/thoughts for that. It sounds like they don't have enough to do.

Maybe they think that because you are older, you're trying to trick someone or take advantage of their naivete. But if you're not, then you're not. And it's just their own perception/stereotypes.

And it sucks that your friend was so quick to act like that to you and throw your connection away. But good on you for finding your life's work. I imagine it's a lot better of a feeling to approach the whole attraction/dating situation, from a place of liking yourself more and knowing your purpose. I only wish I had realized that earlier and could do the same.

Anyway, as long as you're not hurting anyone, do what you want, and disregard the haters.

 

[M_also_lonely]

Seriously. I don't understand why so many women my age and older seem to think I don't have a right to my own (perfectly consensual and legal) preference.

That's because it makes them feel old.

They wouldn't give you a chance when they were younger. They hate that you now have better options than them.

 

[TheRealCallie]

That's because it makes them feel old.

They wouldn't give you a chance when they were younger. They hate that you now have better options than them.

Just because someone is younger doesn't necessarily mean they are "better options." They could very likely be worse options. Age doesn't matter here. Connection does, which is why no one should be ruled out. Yes, people have tastes and standards and "types," but that doesn't mean the person you are "meant" to be with is what those things are.

 

[ardour]

There's going to be a lot of guys who feel similarly with more and more men getting to 30 with zero relationship experience.

I don't think it's as simple as a change of attitude to force an interest in "age appropriate" options, that might, frankly, make you feel uncomfortable if you can't relate to women your own age or your mind registers them in a we can't possibly be the same age kind of way.

But it is depressing IMO, cause if you're talking about that crucial 18-22 part of life, I think you would have to turn back the clock and BE that young again to benefit from the experience of dating another young person. That's just my opinion and feel free to tell me where to stick it if you like.

That said a couple of generations ago a 30 year old dating 20 wouldn't have been considered controversial.

 

[user 135067]

The soul does not count the years. Denying love for the sake of ages is an acceptance of social judgment.

I'll add that social judgment is fickle. Was a time women had to swim in what accounts to long-johns. Now, in 38 American states she needs only have the tiniest covering for her gender. Breast cover is optional anywhere a man is accepted shirtless.

If someone's observance of others offends them it is they with the issue, not the observed.

Go with your heart. Society is too priggish to let them dictate your path.