I'm a 31 year old guy, frustrated with being judged for only wanting to date younger women.

[ardour]

This is all so interesting. 50 years ago you would have all been considered to be a real catch. Bachelor's who were smart enough and fast enough to avoid getting trapped / caught.

Women were the ones judged back then. If you were 20 years old and didn't have a husband or a boyfriend, you're an old maid and nobody wants you.

Exaggerating a bit?

But I get what you mean. My Aunt (73) is still stuck in that mid 1960s mindset. She grew up in a simpler time when men could talk to random women in public, there were plenty of 'third spaces' to meet the opposite sex, people paired up early and stayed together.

 

[Adamridge79]

This is all so interesting. 50 years ago you would have all been considered to be a real catch. Bachelor's who were smart enough and fast enough to avoid getting trapped / caught.

Women were the ones judged back then. If you were 20 years old and didn't have a husband or a boyfriend, you're an old maid and nobody wants you.

So I'm doing some math here...did you actually mean 50 years ago, when the whole sexual revolution and women's lib was strong...or the 1950's? There's a difference. Well, maybe not down south (USA), or the plethora of other countries that I will admit I'm very lax in my understanding of.

 

[Unsigned]

The difference between Crazy and Stupid is very damned important sometimes. This is one of those times. Crazy is a complex methodical organization of intricate detail work. Stupid, is well, the January 6th insurrection.

I don't understand this comparison.
We were discussing the different between what females consider "dangerous" vs. "low status".
I can see a parallel between what females consider "dangerous" and to what might be called "crazy".
But to compare what females consider "low status" to "stupid"???
I see no comparison whatsoever.
A guy can be rather accomplished in his field.
Made a six figure income for 3 decades and has a seven figure net worth.
Dresses well when going to the office, exercises and stays in shape, is polite and considerate to others.
But God forbid he wasn't born with the genetics to have a square jaw and chiseled facial features, and females never found him physically attractive and wanted to be his girlfriend. And God forbid as well he is honest enough to admit this when conversation arises.
That guy is not "stupid". He simply lost the genetic lottery. Not stupid...just bad luck.

50 years ago you would have all been considered to be a real catch.

Times have not changed for the better.

 

[Butterfly 2]

Exaggerating a bit?

But I get what you mean. My Aunt (73) is still stuck in that mid 1960s mindset. She grew up in a simpler time when men could talk to random women in public, there were plenty of 'third spaces' to meet the opposite sex, people paired up early and stayed together.

No, not really exaggerating. I'm not saying it was universal, but in my little rural area of the world it was like that. Things seem to be about 20 years behind California and other more modern places. I am talking about 50 to 60 years ago.

But I think you're right. I think a lot of things that happened in the late 1960s and the 1970s are probably part of the reason for the change of the mindset.

Your aunt is a few years older than I am, but I think she and I would get along well!

 

[Butterfly 2]

I don't understand this comparison.
We were discussing the different between what females consider "dangerous" vs. "low status".
I can see a parallel between what females consider "dangerous" and to what might be called "crazy".
But to compare what females consider "low status" to "stupid"???
I see no comparison whatsoever.
A guy can be rather accomplished in his field.
Made a six figure income for 3 decades and has a seven figure net worth.
Dresses well when going to the office, exercises and stays in shape, is polite and considerate to others.
But God forbid he wasn't born with the genetics to have a square jaw and chiseled facial features, and females never found him physically attractive and wanted to be his girlfriend. And God forbid as well he is honest enough to admit this when conversation arises.
That guy is not "stupid". He simply lost the genetic lottery. Not stupid...just bad luck.


Times have not changed for the better.

I like a lot of the conveniences of today like automatic washers and microwaves and air conditioners, etc. I also like the way the mindset towards animals and other races, etc. have changed, even though we have a long ways to go yet. But you're right. Many things haven't changed for the better.

 

[Unsigned]

I also like the way the mindset towards animals...

Not being sarcastic here, just genuinely curious.
Are you saying people were mean to dogs in the 1950s? I would have thought people were kinder to dogs back then.
From what I have seen, with thugs using pitbulls for fighting & such, people were pretty damn mean to dogs in the 2000s.
Thankfully that seems to be not as common, but I am sure it still goes on.
I really don't know how anyone can abuse a dog.
They are really the best.

 

[Butterfly 2]

Not being sarcastic here, just genuinely curious.
Are you saying people were mean to dogs in the 1950s? I would have thought people were kinder to dogs back then.
From what I have seen, with thugs using pitbulls for fighting & such, people were pretty damn mean to dogs in the 2000s.
Thankfully that seems to be not as common, but I am sure it still goes on.
I really don't know how anyone can abuse a dog.
They are really the best.

You're right as far as using bait dogs and having dog fighting or rooster fighting, etc. I think those things are more prevalent now.

Many more people have become aware of the fact that animals have feelings and they weren't considered much more than a possession in the 1950s, 60s and earlier. The humane society and Peta have enlightened a lot of people and there are many more local places then years ago.

Many years ago, animal abuse wasn't even a felony, but there were four states that lingered behind and first made it a felony within the last 20 years or so. Now there are fines and penalties for animal abuse. But yes, there always will be the crazies who think nothing about harming animals. I'm not sure many people were even vegetarians or vegans 50 plus years ago.

 

[NoxApex(N/A)]

I don't understand this comparison.
We were discussing the different between what females consider "dangerous" vs. "low status".
I can see a parallel between what females consider "dangerous" and to what might be called "crazy".
But to compare what females consider "low status" to "stupid"???
I see no comparison whatsoever.
A guy can be rather accomplished in his field.
Made a six figure income for 3 decades and has a seven figure net worth.
Dresses well when going to the office, exercises and stays in shape, is polite and considerate to others.
But God forbid he wasn't born with the genetics to have a square jaw and chiseled facial features, and females never found him physically attractive and wanted to be his girlfriend. And God forbid as well he is honest enough to admit this when conversation arises.
That guy is not "stupid". He simply lost the genetic lottery. Not stupid...just bad luck.

You're concerned about what females consider.
I'm just not concerned with women.
Like, at all.
They're there, they come and they go, even they know that.
If I waited around for love in my life or pedestalized it, that'd take up all of my time, effort, focus, and energy and nothing would ever get done or accomplished in my life.
For what? A woman?
That's no life to live, my man.
There's more to life than that.
Love is a great and beautiful thing, but it's also a dying thing, or love in the masculine perspective, that is.

 

[Unsigned]

You're concerned about what females consider.
I'm just not concerned with women.
Like, at all.
They're there, they come and they go, even they know that.
If I waited around for love in my life or pedestalized it, that'd take up all of my time, effort, focus, and energy and nothing would ever get done or accomplished in my life.
For what? A woman?
That's no life to live, my man.
There's more to life than that.
Love is a great and beautiful thing, but it's also a dying thing, or love in the masculine perspective, that is.

You make some decent points...

 

[NoxApex(N/A)]

You make some decent points...

Basically, my approach is:

 

[charlotte craig]

Seriously. I don't understand why so many women my age and older seem to think I don't have a right to my own (perfectly consensual and legal) preference. Throughout my late teens and 20s I struggled with some fairly big psychological issues and I think they really affected me on a romantic level with women. Quite a few women weren't interested in me which is normal for a lot of men but I also think I missed quite a few opportunities just through 2nd guessing them or just not recognizing a woman's interest in me. As a result I feel like I really missed out almost entirely on sexual and romantic experiences at that age.

Recently though, in my early 30s, I've felt myself start to progress in life. I finally found my life's calling back in October when I decided I was going to start writing music for video games and film fulltime. I'm still not earning much money at all but a short film I did the music for is going to be shown at two international film festivals over in the US and the UK and I'm doing the composing and sound design for a bunch of video game projects I'm excited about. I know things are on the right path long term. I started Brazilian Jiu Jitsu in my late 20s and while I'm not good at it, it has me in much better shape than I've pretty much ever been in. I've felt myself gaining a bit more confidence as well, the idea of talking to a woman I liked the look of but didn't know used to give me a lot of anxiety but it doesn't seem to bother me so much now. I'm not a male model in looks but I don't think I'm physically unattractive either.

I don't mention any of these things to boast, just to explain why I think it is I'm turning a corner in life and getting to a much better place. I'm hoping to finally find a long term partner and to put it bluntly, I'm not interested in anyone my age. It may be because I feel like I missed out on the experiences I wanted to have when I was younger (or maybe I'd feel the same regardless, who knows) but I only feel any strong attraction for women around the early 20s mark. I've actually recently felt interest from younger women on one or two occasions but the situation/timing have simply been out. I don't know if anyone here reading this is going to post something like "You can't say that for sure, you might meet someone your age who you really want" but no, this isn't going to happen and I'm not interested in arguing it here so please don't make any of those posts suggesting it might. I think maybe I should clarify that if I were to get with a woman in the age range I want, I'd have no issue with her aging over time (we all do) but it matters to me a lot at the start of the relationship and there isn't actually anything I can do to change that. It's just how I feel.
I recently opened up to a childhood friend of mine (who is a woman the same age as me but in a long term relationship and with a son) about how I felt about this thinking that because she was a childhood friend and not affected by my dating preferences in any way shape or form that she'd be happy for me and as a friend would want me to go for what would make me happy. I guess I was wrong for trusting her because all I got after that, both in person and in online conversation was sanctimonious judgement about how I'm misogynistic for having that preference and how it makes me immature. How about how her and her partner chose to work and compromise on things that weren't perfect about each other. Okay but what on earth does that have to do with me? Any relationship requires compromise in some areas but that doesn't mean I have to compromise on my age preference and the fact is that I'd rather be alone for the rest of my life than to do that. By the end of it, she'd got so self righteous and condescending (whilst claiming the whole time that she had empathy for me) that I just got to the point where I felt I needed her out of my life despite the fact we'd known each other since we were 2 years old and removed her off Facebook.

To me, the mentality behind her comments seem to boil down to this idea that men my age are somehow morally obligated to date women our age which I think is just the female version of a guy who thinks women owe him sex. And tbh, a big part of the reason I'm posing this is because I'm seeing older women all over the internet spew bigotry at age gap couples where the man is older and I'm honestly sick of it. I think that no one owes anyone anything in dating and again I'm saying that as a guy who hasn't done well romantically so far at all. I guess this is a venting post because this isn't the first time I've felt judged over this and I'm sick of seeing it everywhere.

You can prefer whatever you want but is it realistic? I know a woman who is 75, very ugly, disabled, poor, no skills, no personality, who is forever dreaming of getting a wealthy, handsome, young man with a terrific job, big house and red sports car. No way is it ever going to happen. She can't even get a poor man her own age.

 

[NoxApex(N/A)]

You can prefer whatever you want but is it realistic? I know a woman who is 75, very ugly, disabled, poor, no skills, no personality, who is forever dreaming of getting a wealthy, handsome, young man with a terrific job, big house and red sports car. No way is it ever going to happen. She can't even get a poor man her own age.

That is because she's Delusional.
Aaanndddd the fact of the matter is that MOST PEOPLE are Delusional in some way or another.
I've had auditory and visual hallucinations since I was 7 years old.
I've adapted to learning how to cope with it over time.

What happens in the case of most delusional people in romance is that said delusional person has an inflated sense of self-worth counterbalanced only by their own insecurities. This can also happen inversely as well, wherein a person is totally unaware of their self-worth. The result is the the former, attempts (and often succeeds) in cannibalizing the later.

However, such is also not always the case.
It's more relativistic than it is an exaction.

If a person who does not know their own self-worth is experienced enough or well read enough to be aware of the spectrum of this conundrum, than they can very easily flip the script. Not to toot my own horn about it, but I am a God at doing this.

That can also go very badly though, which is a lesson unfortunately only learned the hard way.
What I mean is, it is very easy, VERY easy, to accidentally become the thing you once sought out to destroy defensively to keep yourself safe from that potential harm.

The way NOT to become that, is that you have to keep yourself in check and balance.
Don't get comfortable, don't get cocky.
Things don't have to be perfect, but you do have to get back on the horse that threw you with it.
Because **** can and will inevitably hit the fan.

 

[MysteriousTelephone]

I'm of a similar age (30) and also am really only drawn to dating younger than myself. It's nothing to do with status, or feel I "deserve" a hot young woman, it's more about where I am in life:

Typically, women at 28+ are looking to settle down, they've had their fun years and now want to live a typical existence with 2.4 kids and a mortgage. Women at 20-28 are still enjoying their freedom.

I spent my teens and 20s unwanted and single, so I never went through the milestone moments that a person would go through in relationships: first valentines, meeting parents, going on vacations together, moving in and living with each other etc. So for me, going straight to a relationship where I'm expected to settle down and have kids very quickly, it's terrifying. I really just want the typical relationship that everyone else had in their early 20s: date for a bit, take trips together, enjoy our freedoms.

Unfortunately I'm acutely aware that it's unrealistic to want to date younger than me, when I can't get anyone at all attracted to me.

 

[charlotte craig]

Seriously. I don't understand why so many women my age and older seem to think I don't have a right to my own (perfectly consensual and legal) preference. Throughout my late teens and 20s I struggled with some fairly big psychological issues and I think they really affected me on a romantic level with women. Quite a few women weren't interested in me which is normal for a lot of men but I also think I missed quite a few opportunities just through 2nd guessing them or just not recognizing a woman's interest in me. As a result I feel like I really missed out almost entirely on sexual and romantic experiences at that age.

Recently though, in my early 30s, I've felt myself start to progress in life. I finally found my life's calling back in October when I decided I was going to start writing music for video games and film fulltime. I'm still not earning much money at all but a short film I did the music for is going to be shown at two international film festivals over in the US and the UK and I'm doing the composing and sound design for a bunch of video game projects I'm excited about. I know things are on the right path long term. I started Brazilian Jiu Jitsu in my late 20s and while I'm not good at it, it has me in much better shape than I've pretty much ever been in. I've felt myself gaining a bit more confidence as well, the idea of talking to a woman I liked the look of but didn't know used to give me a lot of anxiety but it doesn't seem to bother me so much now. I'm not a male model in looks but I don't think I'm physically unattractive either.

I don't mention any of these things to boast, just to explain why I think it is I'm turning a corner in life and getting to a much better place. I'm hoping to finally find a long term partner and to put it bluntly, I'm not interested in anyone my age. It may be because I feel like I missed out on the experiences I wanted to have when I was younger (or maybe I'd feel the same regardless, who knows) but I only feel any strong attraction for women around the early 20s mark. I've actually recently felt interest from younger women on one or two occasions but the situation/timing have simply been out. I don't know if anyone here reading this is going to post something like "You can't say that for sure, you might meet someone your age who you really want" but no, this isn't going to happen and I'm not interested in arguing it here so please don't make any of those posts suggesting it might. I think maybe I should clarify that if I were to get with a woman in the age range I want, I'd have no issue with her aging over time (we all do) but it matters to me a lot at the start of the relationship and there isn't actually anything I can do to change that. It's just how I feel.
I recently opened up to a childhood friend of mine (who is a woman the same age as me but in a long term relationship and with a son) about how I felt about this thinking that because she was a childhood friend and not affected by my dating preferences in any way shape or form that she'd be happy for me and as a friend would want me to go for what would make me happy. I guess I was wrong for trusting her because all I got after that, both in person and in online conversation was sanctimonious judgement about how I'm misogynistic for having that preference and how it makes me immature. How about how her and her partner chose to work and compromise on things that weren't perfect about each other. Okay but what on earth does that have to do with me? Any relationship requires compromise in some areas but that doesn't mean I have to compromise on my age preference and the fact is that I'd rather be alone for the rest of my life than to do that. By the end of it, she'd got so self righteous and condescending (whilst claiming the whole time that she had empathy for me) that I just got to the point where I felt I needed her out of my life despite the fact we'd known each other since we were 2 years old and removed her off Facebook.

To me, the mentality behind her comments seem to boil down to this idea that men my age are somehow morally obligated to date women our age which I think is just the female version of a guy who thinks women owe him sex. And tbh, a big part of the reason I'm posing this is because I'm seeing older women all over the internet spew bigotry at age gap couples where the man is older and I'm honestly sick of it. I think that no one owes anyone anything in dating and again I'm saying that as a guy who hasn't done well romantically so far at all. I guess this is a venting post because this isn't the first time I've felt judged over this and I'm sick of seeing it everywhere.

oK lets agree that you dont have to compromise on your age preference. but the truth is that you have to have something to offer too. not just your longing for someone younger and more desirable. forget this idea women prefer older, that only works if the guy is a good looking rich film star or singer, not for the ordinary joe who has a bald head, a beer belly, and quite boring. you are wanting something special that lots of men want so you have to have something special about you to offer in return. thats why a lot of young women sell themselves to older men who are rich and generous but wont go with a younger man or a man with nothing. they do a swap. she swaps her youth for his money, a fair swap otherwise she is compromising on far more levels than you would be
remember she can get lots of men, she doesnt have to make do, if money is not involved. just as a very ugly person might want one who is gorgeous, unless the ugly one has something special it wont happen. i can make her laugh wont be enough. i have a nice smile is not enough. she can get all that off a guy who has more to offer.

I once knew an old lady who was very plain and wrinkly, arthritis ruining her hands and fingers, trouble walking, bad eyesight, bad hearing, not particularly bright or knowledgeable or sparkly, penniless, she insisted she would not compromise and would only go with a man who was - a lot younger - handsome - great job - red sports car. guess what, it never happened because she expected that man to do all of the compromising. it also never occurred to her that he would soon be flirting and cheating elsewhere or ending it if he was with someone like her. he could easily get a woman who has a terrific job, far more exciting, attractive, sexy, young, not a gold digger, someone he has a lot in common with him and really loves him. She didnt care about how one sided it was or whether he would be happy or not, or his personality, or having things in common with him, so why would he pick her instead?

 

[charlotte craig]

I don't see a problem at all with your desire to date younger women. Honestly, I don't even consider the age gap much of a gap at all - there was 11 years between my parents. When I was in my early 20's, I always dated men older than myself - like in their 40's and even 50's. One of my best friends is a man I dated when I was in my 30's and he was in his mid-50's - there's a 23-year gap between us.

Anyway, my point is - date who you want to date and don't give a thought to all the naysayers out there who feel you're doing something wrong. There will always be people around to criticize your actions, no matter what you do. Ignore them.

I AGREE but every young woman will get loads of older men hoping to date her, she can pick and choose, she wont make do with an unemployed one, or one with drug problems, addictions, boring, and all that stuff, she will pick out the well dressed, smart exciting sorted one with more to offer. I am sure you didnt make do with just ANY older guy, he had to have something special. I had lots of older men after me when I was young. I was picky. AND I prefer older guys too. When I left school and started to work I was what seemed to be just an ordinary young girl, and had them flocking around me, many offered money etc. I never said yes. When I was older and had more about me, my own business, good income etc, I had even more after me because they were sick of bimbos and gold diggers.

 

[ardour]

I spent my teens and 20s unwanted and single, so I never went through the milestone moments that a person would go through in relationships: first valentines, meeting parents, going on vacations together, moving in and living with each other etc. So for me, going straight to a relationship where I'm expected to settle down and have kids very quickly, it's terrifying. I really just want the typical relationship that everyone else had in their early 20s: date for a bit, take trips together, enjoy our freedoms.

Yeah, exactly. I feel the same and I'm older than the OP. This is the problem at lot of men experience and likely more will in the future. They spend their youth ignored, missing out, then find themselves out of sync with the life stage and emotional development of their age group. If women their own ages are willing give them a chance (that’s a big ‘if’ btw) it’ll be a straight into a settled existence with children quickly to follow. That will be inconceivable to a 30 something who never dated prior to that, who might have also missed out on other milestones due to social anxiety.

 

[insecure]

I'm 54, I had a short relationship with a 31 year old woman.
I ended it after a while, for various reasons.
I just wonder if I will be able to get really attracted to a woman in the 40 to 55 year old range.
Maybe I'm doomed now.

 

[Rvanson]

I'm 54, I had a short relationship with a 31 year old woman.
I ended it after a while, for various reasons.
I just wonder if I will be able to get really attracted to a woman in the 40 to 55 year old range.
Maybe I'm doomed now.

I am 67 but appear 10 years less. I would never consider a woman, whom I would vet, being a virtual Private Investigator myself. She would NOT have two divorces behind her at all, only one, at most. I don't play those kind of games. I am MGTOW but I would still consider a wife if I knew I could trust her. The vetting process would be extensive and she could vet me, as well. I don't have a criminal background, but I am single, never married, and have no children, but I do like children, so that's not an issue, and I am no pervert, nor a rapist. I am a FIRM believer in God, but I am not a church-goer but could become one if the Christian or Catholic church felt good to me. May God bless you, Insecure. Yes at your age you can find a wife, but at 54 I think women of 31 would be looking to have children, and you are beyond that age now. Look for an older woman in her 40s who can no longer have children, or has them now. I truly wish you the best of luck, my friend.

 

[insecure]

Yes at your age you can find a wife, but at 54 I think women of 31 would be looking to have children, and you are beyond that age now. Look for an older woman in her 40s who can no longer have children, or has them now. I truly wish you the best of luck, my friend.

Yes, that she wanted children was one of the reasons I thought it would not be ideal to continue.
Her sister had children with an older husband, but I don't know if I would want that at my age.
Technically it is perfectly possible, of course, sperm is produced on a daily basis, that is why a man can still father a child at very high age.
But the question is more like, do I want to become a father at that age?
I am not religious, so god does not have a say in this in my life, but even then, do I want a child to have a father who is that old?
And if I don't want children, and she really does, should I not let her get on with her life?
Another reason was that her visum had expired (she is from Tanzania), so she was not legally here anymore, the question being: was there no other motive for starting a relationship (getting a permanent residence?).
In order for her to get a work permit, I would have had to marry her, or get a contract for living together legally, which would have been a real mess if afterwards it turned out that she was only with me for the papers.
I was carefully looking for signals that way, but it remained unclear, she was very nice to me, and was always very understanding.
In the end I was torn between different emotions, the fear of being used, the child issues, etc.
Therefore I ended it.
Anyway, learned some very basic Swahili phrases in the process.
So after a while, I am back on Tinder now, but women of 45 or so just seem so old in comparison with her.
The prettiest ones always seem to be the 'exotic' types (Brazilian, latina's, Ukranian, black women, ...), and the youngest within the age range I choose.
I do realise that physical attractiveness is not everything, though.
Older women are often more mature, however there has to be physical attraction too.
That is what is bothering me now.

 

[ardour]

I am 67 but appear 10 years less. I would never consider a woman, whom I would vet, being a virtual Private Investigator myself. She would NOT have two divorces behind her at all, only one, at most. I don't play those kind of games. I am MGTOW but I would still consider a wife if I knew I could trust her. The vetting process would be extensive and she could vet me, as well. I don't have a criminal background, but I am single, never married, and have no children, but I do like children, so that's not an issue, and I am no pervert, nor a rapist. I am a FIRM believer in God, but I am not a church-goer but could become one if the Christian or Catholic church felt good to me. May God bless you, Insecure. Yes at your age you can find a wife, but at 54 I think women of 31 would be looking to have children, and you are beyond that age now. Look for an older woman in her 40s who can no longer have children, or has them now. I truly wish you the best of luck, my friend.

Mick Jagger had a kid at 74.