It's impossible

[Triple Bogey]

For me to meet a woman.
It seems that way, whatever I say, whatever I do, nothing works !
I try and fail and it's very frustrating !

Yet meeting women as friends, having conversations, generally getting along with them is the exact opposite ! Easy !

Doesn't make much sense !
I would like to know why ?

 

[TheRealCallie]

Could it be the extra pressure of something more than friendship intimidating you? Or you could be subconsciously sabotaging yourself because you don't think any woman would want you.

 

[Despicable Me]

I don't really see much difference in 'meeting a woman' and 'meeting a woman as friends'. I've noticed that for adults meeting them as friends first and mutually developing and expressing the romantic-interest later is often how most people met their long-term partners. The whole 'dating' thing seems to me to be nothing more than a high-school fantasy. Sure some of those sort of relationships work out, some even last, but from my experience it seems that would be a lot less common.

So what exactly are you doing differently here? Where is it going wrong? What is the difference between meeting women and meeting friends? Or are you just saying you're being 'friend-zoned'? If so, the whole friend-zone thing also seems pretty common. The interest has to be mutual, so I've noticed that many of the more relationship-successful type of people often just have a lot of friends or, at least, a lot of acquaintances.

Not that I'm one to talk about relationships, though! Like mine have ever worked out how they're supposed to... Ugh.

 

[Triple Bogey]

Could it be the extra pressure of something more than friendship intimidating you? Or you could be subconsciously sabotaging yourself because you don't think any woman would want you.

Possibly. But I think it's more a conscious thing.

I do give up very easily because I know I am wasting my time. It is hard to make any effort at all. I have no little bits of success to think back on.

I think it's a bit like going up to my boss tomorrow and asking him for a million pound bonus. He's going to say 'no' every time. No question, no chance of him saying 'yes'. It's the same with me asking a woman on a date. In my mind there is never going to be a 'yes' outcome. So the asking seems pointless.

I've had over 20 years in retail so I find talking quite easy. I'm not a social animal, I never will be but generally chatting I find easy. Cracking jokes, flirting a bit with women, just so natural and simple.

 

[VanillaCreme]

How do you know it's a waste of time though? Nothing is certain, and that goes for both not meeting anyone and for meeting someone. It could happen. If you stop it, then yeah, it probably won't. Let it happen.

 

[TheRealCallie]

Could it be the extra pressure of something more than friendship intimidating you? Or you could be subconsciously sabotaging yourself because you don't think any woman would want you.

Possibly. But I think it's more a conscious thing.

I do give up very easily because I know I am wasting my time. It is hard to make any effort at all. I have no little bits of success to think back on.

I think it's a bit like going up to my boss tomorrow and asking him for a million pound bonus. He's going to say 'no' every time. No question, no chance of him saying 'yes'. It's the same with me asking a woman on a date. In my mind there is never going to be a 'yes' outcome. So the asking seems pointless.

I've had over 20 years in retail so I find talking quite easy. I'm not a social animal, I never will be but generally chatting I find easy. Cracking jokes, flirting a bit with women, just so natural and simple.

Those who think they have already failed before even trying will never get anywhere. Change that thinking and I believe you'll have a lot more luck in finding someone to date.
There's nothing (IMO) wrong with your looks, you say you have no problem talking to women, so it has to be in your head, right?

 

[Triple Bogey]

I don't really see much difference in 'meeting a woman' and 'meeting a woman as friends'. I've noticed that for adults meeting them as friends first and mutually developing and expressing the romantic-interest later is often how most people met their long-term partners. The whole 'dating' thing seems to me to be nothing more than a high-school fantasy. Sure some of those sort of relationships work out, some even last, but from my experience it seems that would be a lot less common.

So what exactly are you doing differently here? Where is it going wrong? What is the difference between meeting women and meeting friends? Or are you just saying you're being 'friend-zoned'? If so, the whole friend-zone thing also seems pretty common. The interest has to be mutual, so I've noticed that many of the more relationship-successful type of people often just have a lot of friends or, at least, a lot of acquaintances.

Not that I'm one to talk about relationships, though! Like mine have ever worked out how they're supposed to... Ugh.

There isn't any interest, it's just not there. I can't ******** myself to think it is.

But I don't have any problems talking to women in every day life. I find that easy and most women seem to 'like' me. I think every woman, if asked would say I was a 'nice and lovely guy'

---

How do you know it's a waste of time though? Nothing is certain, and that goes for both not meeting anyone and for meeting someone. It could happen. If you stop it, then yeah, it probably won't. Let it happen.

Never happened in 30 years (all my first dates have been blind dates, the women didn't know me to reject me).

Dozens of rejections, dozens of women who I knew weren't interested. It seems pretty certain to me.

---

Could it be the extra pressure of something more than friendship intimidating you? Or you could be subconsciously sabotaging yourself because you don't think any woman would want you.

Possibly. But I think it's more a conscious thing.

I do give up very easily because I know I am wasting my time. It is hard to make any effort at all. I have no little bits of success to think back on.

I think it's a bit like going up to my boss tomorrow and asking him for a million pound bonus. He's going to say 'no' every time. No question, no chance of him saying 'yes'. It's the same with me asking a woman on a date. In my mind there is never going to be a 'yes' outcome. So the asking seems pointless.

I've had over 20 years in retail so I find talking quite easy. I'm not a social animal, I never will be but generally chatting I find easy. Cracking jokes, flirting a bit with women, just so natural and simple.

Those who think they have already failed before even trying will never get anywhere. Change that thinking and I believe you'll have a lot more luck in finding someone to date.
There's nothing (IMO) wrong with your looks, you say you have no problem talking to women, so it has to be in your head, right?

When I was younger I thought I was as good as everybody else. That was my thinking. If I saw a guy dancing with a girl, I thought well if he can I can. It doesn't work like that. I never got a dance. Not one.

There is plenty wrong with my looks but when I was younger I was actually quite good looking. And get this, it didn't matter, women didn't like me then. Even though I was a good looking, thin bloke.

I need a woman to be interested in me to change my thinking. And a genuine woman as well.

 

[VanillaCreme]

How do you know it's a waste of time though? Nothing is certain, and that goes for both not meeting anyone and for meeting someone. It could happen. If you stop it, then yeah, it probably won't. Let it happen.

Never happened in 30 years (all my first dates have been blind dates, the women didn't know me to reject me).

Dozens of rejections, dozens of women who I knew weren't interested. It seems pretty certain to me.

That doesn't mean it'll never happen. But if you're so stuck on it never happening, maybe it really won't. You can't keep doing or thinking the same thing, especially for 30 years, and expect different results or for something to just change. You have to do that change and be that change.

 

[ardour]

The interest has to be mutual, so I've noticed that many of the more relationship-successful type of people often just have a lot of friends or, at least, a lot of acquaintances.

I’ve noticed that, but then attractive people are usually popular anyway, so there's that.
Still, increasing the odds by expanding your social circle to as wide as possible would seem like a good idea.

 

[Triple Bogey]

How do you know it's a waste of time though? Nothing is certain, and that goes for both not meeting anyone and for meeting someone. It could happen. If you stop it, then yeah, it probably won't. Let it happen.

Never happened in 30 years (all my first dates have been blind dates, the women didn't know me to reject me).

Dozens of rejections, dozens of women who I knew weren't interested. It seems pretty certain to me.

That doesn't mean it'll never happen. But if you're so stuck on it never happening, maybe it really won't. You can't keep doing or thinking the same thing, especially for 30 years, and expect different results or for something to just change. You have to do that change and be that change.

I've tried different things, dating agencies, online dating, like I say no encouragement, not a flicker of it. Everything is a disaster. I could write a book.

I'm not ignoring interest or playing hard to get or blind to a woman fluttering her eyes at me. Doesn't happen.

 

[TheRealCallie]

I'm not ignoring interest or playing hard to get or blind to a woman fluttering her eyes at me. Doesn't happen.

It's not always that obvious, though. So it could be happening and you're just not aware of it.

 

[constant stranger]

I'm not ignoring interest or playing hard to get or blind to a woman fluttering her eyes at me. Doesn't happen.

It's not always that obvious, though. So it could be happening and you're just not aware of it.

You are so right Callie. I wonder how many opportunities I ignored because I didn't even see them? My whole life might have been different....

 

[BeyondShy]

It's not always that obvious, though. So it could be happening and you're just not aware of it.

Can you let me in on some secret signals you all have so I can recognize them the next time?

 

[ardour]

It's not always that obvious, though. So it could be happening and you're just not aware of it.

Well WHY isn't it obvious then? Or it least easy enough to read. If someone returns the interest, why would they not make that clear to the person who had the gumption to initiate rather than make them decode their behaviour and play clairvoyant.

It's almost like it's some sort of test or power game.

 

[BeyondShy]

Well WHY isn't it obvious then? Or it least easy enough to read. If someone returns the interest, why would they not make that clear to the person who had the gumption to initiate rather than make them decode their behaviour and play clairvoyant.

It's almost like it's some sort of test or power game.

That's how it has always been.

 

[TheRealCallie]

It's not always that obvious, though. So it could be happening and you're just not aware of it.

Well WHY isn't it obvious then? Or it least easy enough to read. If someone returns the interest, why would they not make that clear to the person who had the gumption to initiate rather than make them decode their behaviour and play clairvoyant.

It's almost like it's some sort of test or power game.

Because not everyone flirts in an obvious way? It's almost like you expect us to be slutty just so you KNOW without a doubt or something.
Some people are more quiet and just like to talk to people, that being their way of flirting. It could be a touch of the arm or whatever, which could just as easily mean friendship.

It's not a ******* game or a test. If you like someone, ask them out, if they say yes, chances are they like you. If they say no, chances are they don't.

 

[BeyondShy]

It's not a ******* game or a test. If you like someone, ask them out, if they say yes, chances are they like you. If they say no, chances are they don't.

Given another ten more years or so I could have figured this out myself.

 

[Peaches]

I say it before and I will keep saying it, don't give up, but also consider changing something. Get a coach (yes, there are dating coaches, if I wasn't so screwed up by circumstances I would go to this one: we even had an online session! Love him), get a therapist, get a beautician or a personal stylist, go to a dating agency, as they say: one cannot keep doing the same things and expecting everything to change.
I am not saying that you are doing something wrong (except that your lack of conviction is probably more transparent than you think) but that maybe you are sending some signals different from what you think you are sending, and only an external person (a professional) can help you find what is happening.
Probably you have tried already, but if you haven't, there you have it.

 

[VanillaCreme]

Well WHY isn't it obvious then? Or it least easy enough to read. If someone returns the interest, why would they not make that clear to the person who had the gumption to initiate rather than make them decode their behaviour and play clairvoyant.

Well, if anyone could truly answer why, then it wouldn't really be an issue. Easier said than done kind of thing, I guess.

 

[lonelypanda]

Perhaps it's your defeatest mentality, you try but women are picking up on that negativity. It doesn't happen with female friends because you're being natural and relaxed. It's kind of like when someone smiles, but you can see in their eyes it's an empty smile. Alot of the non verbal cues we pick up on tell alot aswell. The same way crossed arms has a way of making someone look grumpy even if they're not, body language is important.