Joke of the Day

[Joturbo]

I went to see my mate Bob who I used to work with today.When I got to the old workplace this guard on the gate explained,l had just missed him as he had just nipped out to get some cotton.

This happened three times in a row.The next time I went I was told he had passed away.I went to visit the grave......

It read,   "Bob  R.I.P  sadly missed , gone but not for
cotton".....!!!!

 

[Joturbo]

Message from Captain Kirk.


Don't beam up yet Scotty I'm having a shittttttttttttt

 

[user 150037]

Here lies the body of old man Buck,
He saw every opportunity,
But never saw that truck.

Here lies the body of Henrietta Flynn,
They couldn't afford a coffin,
So they buried her in a bin.

(I'd like to hear some 'Here lies...' jokes from you guys )

What the heck? Just one more.

Here likes the body of Gregory Hogg,
He had dressed as a hamburger,
Then was mauled by the dog.

 

[Joturbo]

An elderly couple,who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends they finally decided to get married

Before the wedding , they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.

Finally the old gent decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

"How do you feel about sex?"  He asked , rather tentatively.

      "I would like it infrequently ". she replied

The old gent leaned forward,adjusted his glasses and whispered................" is that one word or two"?.

 

[Jessicat]

Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favorite sex position. One says, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best." "I don't think I have ever heard of that one," says the other cowboy. "What is it?" "Well, it's where you get your girl down on all four, and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around, cup her t*ts, and whisper in her ear, 'boy these feel almost as nice as your sisters.' Then you try and hold on for 30 seconds."

 

[user 150037]

Superman wakes up one morning - his head is throbbing and he feels nauseous. With no memory of the night before. He rolls over, and to his relief, sees Wonderwoman sleeping next to him. As Superman gets up to go to the toilet, he realizes that his arsehole stings like hell - thinking nothing of it, he shrugs, and proceeds to use the bathroom. As Superman leaves the bathroom, Wonderwoman is stood in the doorway. 'Keep it down, baby' she says, 'The Invisible Man is still asleep'.

 

[Jessicat]

 

[Joturbo]

Two whales walk into a bar.The first one says,

"Weeoouhh."The next one says , "Shut up Steve.You're drunk".

 

[Jessicat]

Did you hear about the two bald guys who put their heads together? 
They made an ass out of themselves.

 

[user 150037]

Haha!

How many contractors does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one. He whips it out. Puts it in. Then once he's done screwing the guy's wife, he changes the lightbulb.

 

[user 139760]

An old joke, but a classic.

What did the priest say to the other priest?

"Let's get the flock outta here"

 

[Claudia1794]

Old joke and really lame but it was actually in a book I'm reading.
What do you call a deer without an eye?
Noideer
Yes, I laughed

 

[user 135671]

My Gran said to me, “Young men of today just aren’t as polite and charming as they were when I was young”. I had to explain, “That’s because they aren’t trying to f**k you now.”