user 108508
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Help Support Loneliness, Depression & Relationship Forum:
sk66rc
Well-known member
RockerChick said:
I almost peed myself when I read this... Love them "yo, mama" jokes...
Yo mama SO FAT, when she talks to herself, it's a long distance call...!!!
Yo mama SO FAT, only reason why she'd open an email is cause they said it contained SPAM...
breadbasket
Well-known member
painter said:
I was about to post anti-jokes
W
WildernessWildChild
Guest
Perfect Couple- Hilarious And True
Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.
The question is: Who was the survivor?
Scroll down for the answer...
The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. Women stop reading here. That is the end of the joke.
Men keep scrollin'...
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. And that explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: Women never listen, either.
Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.
The question is: Who was the survivor?
Scroll down for the answer...
The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. Women stop reading here. That is the end of the joke.
Men keep scrollin'...
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. And that explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: Women never listen, either.
H
hazel_flagg
Guest
ucxb said:
It's funny because it's true. *slaps you on the back*
TheRealCallie
Princess Pink Love
hazel_flagg said:
Watch the sunburn!! lol
lol
Sunburns are no joke, although...
A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets ahorrible sunburn. He goes to the hospital and is promptly admitted afterbeing diagnosed with second-degree burns. He was already starting to blister and in agony. The doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline and electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours. The nurse, rather astounded, said, "What good will Viagra do him?" The doctor replied, "It'll keep the sheets off his legs."
Sunburns are no joke, although...
A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets ahorrible sunburn. He goes to the hospital and is promptly admitted afterbeing diagnosed with second-degree burns. He was already starting to blister and in agony. The doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline and electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours. The nurse, rather astounded, said, "What good will Viagra do him?" The doctor replied, "It'll keep the sheets off his legs."
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WildernessWildChild
Guest
Jack and Bob went skiing. After a few hours of driving north, they got caught up in a terrible blizzard and pulled into the driveway of a farm owned by a very rich widow. They went to the door and asked the attractive lady who answered if they could spend the night there. “Oh, it’s such a terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself. But I am recently widowed,” she said, “and I’m afraid of what the neighbor will say if I let two attractive young men stay in my house.” “Don’t worry,” Jack said, “We’ll be happy if you just let us sleep in your barn if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light.”
The lady agreed and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they left and had a great skiing weekend.
Nine months later, Jack got a letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined it was the attorney of the attractive widow whose barn they stayed at with Bob. He drove to see his friend and asked him: “Bob, remember nine months ago when we went skiing and stopped over at that beautiful widow’s barn to wait out the bad weather?” “Yes, I do,” said Bob. “Did you get up in the middle of the night, pay her a visit at the house and stay overnight?” Bob, getting a little embarrassed, confirmed that’s what happened. “And did you happen to use my name while you were with her?” “I am sorry buddy, I am afraid I did,” replied Bob whose face turned red by now. “Why do you ask?” “She just died and left me everything,” exclaimed Jack.
I've gotta go skiing more....
The lady agreed and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they left and had a great skiing weekend.
Nine months later, Jack got a letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined it was the attorney of the attractive widow whose barn they stayed at with Bob. He drove to see his friend and asked him: “Bob, remember nine months ago when we went skiing and stopped over at that beautiful widow’s barn to wait out the bad weather?” “Yes, I do,” said Bob. “Did you get up in the middle of the night, pay her a visit at the house and stay overnight?” Bob, getting a little embarrassed, confirmed that’s what happened. “And did you happen to use my name while you were with her?” “I am sorry buddy, I am afraid I did,” replied Bob whose face turned red by now. “Why do you ask?” “She just died and left me everything,” exclaimed Jack.
I've gotta go skiing more....
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WildernessWildChild
Guest
Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the department manager.
Upon completion of the test, both men had each missed only one of the questions. The manager went to the first applicant and said, ''thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant.''
"And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct," asked the rejected applicant.
"We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the department manager.
"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicants inquired.
''Simple,'' said the department manager, ''Your fellow applicant put down on question..5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'''
Upon completion of the test, both men had each missed only one of the questions. The manager went to the first applicant and said, ''thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant.''
"And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct," asked the rejected applicant.
"We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the department manager.
"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicants inquired.
''Simple,'' said the department manager, ''Your fellow applicant put down on question..5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'''
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WildernessWildChild
Guest
Lishniy Chelovek
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- Joined
- Aug 2, 2014
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- 0
My dog has no nose.
How does it smell?
It doesn't. It hasn't got a nose. It lost it in a skiing accident and now it has no olfactory sense at all.
How does it smell?
It doesn't. It hasn't got a nose. It lost it in a skiing accident and now it has no olfactory sense at all.
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WildernessWildChild
Guest
Two doctors opened an office in a small town, and put up a sign reading "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology."
The town council was not too happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to "Hysterias and Posteriors."
This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids." No go.
Next they tried "Catatonics and High Colonics." Thumbs down again.
Then came "Manic depressives and Anal Retentives." Still not good. How about "Minds and Behinds"? Unacceptable again. So they tried "Lost Souls and Ass Holes." Still no go.
Nor did "Analysis and Anal Cysts," "Nuts and Butts," "Freaks and Cheeks," or Loons and Moons" work either.
Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with a business slogan they thought might be acceptable to the council:
"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."
Approved
The town council was not too happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to "Hysterias and Posteriors."
This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids." No go.
Next they tried "Catatonics and High Colonics." Thumbs down again.
Then came "Manic depressives and Anal Retentives." Still not good. How about "Minds and Behinds"? Unacceptable again. So they tried "Lost Souls and Ass Holes." Still no go.
Nor did "Analysis and Anal Cysts," "Nuts and Butts," "Freaks and Cheeks," or Loons and Moons" work either.
Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with a business slogan they thought might be acceptable to the council:
"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."
Approved
W
WildernessWildChild
Guest
Why are hurricanes named after women?
Because they arrive wet and wild, then leave with your house and car.
Because they arrive wet and wild, then leave with your house and car.
W
WildernessWildChild
Guest
SEX FROGS
A blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an 'exotic' pet.
As she looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of frogs.
The sign says:
'SEX FROGS'
Only £20 each!
Comes with 'complete' instructions.
The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to Pete the man behind the counter, 'I'll TAKE one!'
As Pete packages the frog, he quietly says to her, 'Just follow the instructions!'
The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.
As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully
She does EXACTLY what is specified:
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.
She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise . . NOTHING happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, 'If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store.'
So, she calls the pet store. Pete says, 'I'll be right over.' Within minutes, Pete is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, 'See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just SITS there!'
Pete . . . looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares 'directly into its eyes' and STERNLY says:
'LISTEN TO ME!!
I'm only going to show you how to do this
ONE MORE TIME... '
A blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an 'exotic' pet.
As she looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of frogs.
The sign says:
'SEX FROGS'
Only £20 each!
Comes with 'complete' instructions.
The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to Pete the man behind the counter, 'I'll TAKE one!'
As Pete packages the frog, he quietly says to her, 'Just follow the instructions!'
The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.
As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully
She does EXACTLY what is specified:
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.
She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise . . NOTHING happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, 'If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store.'
So, she calls the pet store. Pete says, 'I'll be right over.' Within minutes, Pete is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, 'See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just SITS there!'
Pete . . . looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares 'directly into its eyes' and STERNLY says:
'LISTEN TO ME!!
I'm only going to show you how to do this
ONE MORE TIME... '
R
Rosebolt
Guest
WildernessWildChild said:
I love this one so much.
user 108508
Well-known member
- Joined
- Mar 9, 2014
- Messages
- 6,449
- Reaction score
- 96
Q: How many programmers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None. That's a hardware problem.
A: None. That's a hardware problem.
sk66rc
Well-known member
2 blonds walked into a bar... Second one should've ducked...!!!
It's funny how axe handles are made of wood. It's like the ultimate '**** you' to trees.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the **** out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
Dentists make money off of people with bad teeth. Why should I trust the toothpaste they recommend?
A gift card is a great way to say, "Go buy your own f*ckin' present".
They say what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas... Well, not according to what I've seen in a small town in Virginia... Saw a baby with a shirt that said, "I happened in Vegas!"...
It's funny how axe handles are made of wood. It's like the ultimate '**** you' to trees.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the **** out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
Dentists make money off of people with bad teeth. Why should I trust the toothpaste they recommend?
A gift card is a great way to say, "Go buy your own f*ckin' present".
They say what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas... Well, not according to what I've seen in a small town in Virginia... Saw a baby with a shirt that said, "I happened in Vegas!"...
Alma lost her spoon
Well-known member
Two nuns are cycling along a cobbled street, one says to the other
"I've never come this way before!"
"I've never come this way before!"
Lishniy Chelovek
Well-known member
- Joined
- Aug 2, 2014
- Messages
- 99
- Reaction score
- 0
Arachne said:
Speaking as a feminist I find that joke offensive. Speaking as Pope Francis I find it funny. Speaking as Dr Zaius from Planet of The Apes I think Disco will never die.
