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During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you
determine whether or not an older person should be put in a Care Home?"

"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the
bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you
want a bed near the window?"
 
Here are six reasons why you should think
before you speak -the last one is great!
Have you ever spoken and wished that
you could immediately take the words back...
Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....


FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three
kids in tow and asked loudly,
'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a ********?'
I turned around and walked back out and never went back
My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by
one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.
He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said,
'I think I like playing with men's balls'

THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and
passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind
the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, '
No, I'm just looking at your nuts.'
My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY:
While in line at the bank one afternoon,
my toddler decided to release
some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of
her after receiving looks of disgust
and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving
'right now' she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said
in a voice just as threatening,
'If you don't let me go right now,
I will tell Grandma that I saw you
kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!'
The silence was deafening after this enlightening
exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked
out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training
and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell
for a quick lunch, in between errands It was very busy,
with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco,
I smelled something funny, so of course I checked
my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.
The realized that Danny had not asked to go potty
in a while. I asked him if he needed to go,
and he said 'No' .. I kept thinking
'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and
I don't have any clothes with me.' Then I said,
'Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?'
'No,' he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident,
because the smell was getting worse.
S oooooo, I asked one more time, 'Danny did you have an accident ? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants,
bent over, spread his cheeks
and yelled
'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!'
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing,
he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.

An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the
best laugh they'd ever had!


LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days
and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will,
in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens
when you predict snow but don't get any! We had a
female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed
to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman
and asked:
'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you
promised me last night?'

Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew
did too they were laughing so hard!

Now, didn't that feel good?
Pass it on to someone you know who needs a laugh
 
Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. “Boss,” he says, “we’re doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff.”
“We’re short-handed, Smith” the boss replies. “I can’t give you the day off.”
“Thanks, boss,” says Smith “I knew I could count on you!”

i take no credit for the jokes.

A policeman pulled over a car, walked up to the driver's window, and asked the man if he knew why he was pulled over.
"No," the man replied.
"You failed to stop at the stop sign," the cop explained.
"But I did slow down!" the guy argued.
The cop shook his head. "You are required to stop. That's why they're called stop signs."
The man started to get belligerent. "Stop, slow down -- what's the difference?"
The cop pulled out his baton. "I can show you. I'm going to start hitting you with my baton. You tell me if you want me to stop or slow down."
 
Hello.
Thinking about some stuff here and there, I kinda got nostalgic trying to remember some good old traditional jokes, that today are replaced by many other humorous platforms.
So Jokes. Funny ones, new ones and old ones, offensive ones and simple ones..All of them. But only those that are presented in text. No video, audio, photo, drawing. A joke. Simple joke.

So I decided to start a thread!:) A jokes thread:)
I would like to say that posting allowed only with a joke inserted:)

P.S: ..Some jokes can be offensive, racist, morbid, tasteless... But I for one dont mind any of those. I beg those who read not to get offended, as these are only jokes. Nothing other than laughter is our motive.

Let me start with three jokes I know and like:)

What does Bill Clinton say to his wife after making love?
,,I´ll be home in a half an hour"

Three men make a bet about who can jump over a church.
The first one gets ready, ties his shoes, tuck his shirt, runs toward the church and jumps. ,,Holy ******* Christ!!" He screams as he gets impaled on the church tower.
At that moment, a priest runs out of a church screaming: ,,This is a house of god! I will not permit such a language around here!". After he calms down, he goes back inside.
Meanwhile, the second man gets ready to jump. He ties his shoes, tuck his shirt, runs towards a church and jumps. ,,************* ****!" He scream as he also gets impaled on the church tower.
At that moment, a priest runs out of a church screaming: ,,This is a house of god! I will not permit such a language around here!". After he calms down, he goes back inside.
Then the third man gets ready. Ties his shoes, tuck his shirt, runs toward the church and jumps. And he manages to jump over the church.
At that moment, a priest runs out, looking at it in awe. ,,Well **** me, that ******* son of a bitch really jumped it."


An Irishmen, asian, horse and a priest walk into a bar.
The bartender looks at them and asks: ,,Is this some freaking joke?!"
 
to understand this joke, you may need to be Canadian ;p
a Newfie in Canada is a person from Newfoundland and they are known for being fishermen and for a strong pirate-style accent. (and lack of education)

so here it is:

2 Newfies go to an inland lake for a weekend of fishing, so they rent a boat and head off to find a good spot where the fish are jumping.
after circling the lake throughout the day, they finally get onto a good place where they started pulling them in just as it was starting to get dark.
so the one guy says to the other ; "damn, we best mark dis spot so's we can find it again tomorraw!"
and so without another word said, the other fisherman jumps into the water and disappears beneath the surface leaving his friends standing in the boat looking puzzled.
after a few mins, he resurfaces and limbs back into the boat.
his friend says to him: "what did ya do?"
he says: "well, I swam under the boat and put a mark on the bottom so we can find it tomorrow"
so he hit's his friend with his hat and yells: "you idiot! what if we getting a different boat tomorraw?"




------------------------------------------------------


read this in an east-coast Celtic pirate slang accent

M.R. Ducks
M.R. No Ducks
M.R. Ducks
M.R. No Ducks!
C.D.E.D.B.D. Wings?
whale oil beef hooked!
M.R. Ducks!



2 fisherman arguing about whether they see ducks or not.


okok,

I just had to post another one I just thought of.
it's not new or original, but I think it's the first joke I told my kids that they really laughed at. so it's family friendly =)

--------------------------------------
On one fine sunny day out in the Caribbean, Captain Jack was informed by his lookout that there were 3 Pirate ships spotted about 10 miles out. The Captain turned to his First Mate and said, "Go fetch me my red Shirt!."

The Captain then informed the crew that they were going to fight the Pirates and that this would most likely be a bloody battle.

The crew and the Pirates meet and do battle and the Captain and his crew are victorious with only three dead and fifteen wounded out of his crew of one hundred. As the crew is celebrating with their Captain, the First Mate asks him, "Sir, why did you wear your red shirt for that battle?"

The Captain responds, "I wore it so that if I were to get injured in battle, no one would notice and would continue fighting." The crew is amazed that their Captain is so noble and make a toast for long life to their Captain.

The next day, the lookout informs the Captain that he has spotted over fifty Pirate ships about ten miles out. The Captain turns to his First Mate and calmly says, "Go fetch my brown pants."
 
Taken from a Reader's Digest (just a few funnies). Dictionary words that are improved...


Age (ayjuh): A high price to pay for maturity. ~ Tom Stoppard

Bookstore (book-stohr): One of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking. ~ Jerry Seinfeld

Calories (kal-uh-rees): Tiny creatures that live in your closet and sew your clothes tighter every night. ~ Unknown

Drama (drah-muh): Life with the dull bits left out. ~ Alfred Hitchcock

Experience (ik-speer-ee-uhns): That marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. ~ Franklin P. Jones

Fruit (froot): A vegetable with looks and money. ~ P.J. O'Rourke

Heck (hek): The place where people go if they don't believe in gosh. ~ Unknown

Life (lahyf): What happens when you're not watching TV. ~ Jason Love

Media (mee-dee-uh): The plural of mediocrity. ~ Jimmy Breslin

Opera (op-ruh): When a guy gets stabbed in the back & instead of bleeding, he sings. ~ Ed Garner


:D
 
A man was in a bar all day and he had to use the bathroom. He was in there for a while, yelling, so the barmaid reluctantly went to the bathroom to check on him.

"Sir, what are you yelling about? You're scaring the customers."

"Every time I try to flush the toilet something keeps biting my balls!"

"Sir, please get off the mop bucket."
 
A woman and man get into a car accident. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither one of them is hurt.

After they crawl out of the wreckage, the woman says, "Wow, look at our cars -- there's nothing left! This must be a sign from Him that we should be friends and not try to pin the blame on each other."

The man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely."

The woman points to a bottle on the ground and says, "Somehow this bottle of Scotch from my back seat didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this Scotch and celebrate our good fortune."

She hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, and chugs about a third of the bottle to calm his nerves. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police."
 
Man: Doctor, I've broken my leg.
Doctor: I'm afraid it is a very bad break. You will never walk properly again.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband has been killed.

A man walks into a bar.
He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.

Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?
She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly low self-esteem.

How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb?
One.

Two men are sitting in a pub.
One man turns to the other and says: 'Last night I saw lots of strange men coming in and out of your wife's house.'
The other man replies: 'Yes, she has become a prostitute to subsidise her drug habit.'

A duck walks into a bar.
He is quickly shooed out by patrons who seemed to see the funny side.

Q: What's the saddest part about 3 black men in a car going off a cliff?
A: They were my friends
 
Why did the bald man cut holes in his pockets?

So he could run his fingers through his hair.
 
A fleeing member of the Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis only to find a British Soldier selling regimental ties.
The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"
The soldier replied, "There is no water, the well is dry. Would you like to buy a tie instead? They are only £20."
The Taliban shouted,"You idiot infidel! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"
"OK," said the soldier,
"It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me.
I will show you that I am bigger than that, and that I am a much better human being than you.
If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find our Sergeant's Mess.
It has all the ice cold water you need - Inshallah."
Cursing him, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he staggered back, collapsed with dehydration and rasped.....
"They won't let me in without a ****ing tie...!"
 
Do you know what's easier than applying sunscreen? Not going outside.
 
Heisenburger said:
A fleeing member of the Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis only to find a British Soldier selling regimental ties.
The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"
The soldier replied, "There is no water, the well is dry. Would you like to buy a tie instead? They are only £20."
The Taliban shouted,"You idiot infidel! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"
"OK," said the soldier,
"It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me.
I will show you that I am bigger than that, and that I am a much better human being than you.
If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find our Sergeant's Mess.
It has all the ice cold water you need - Inshallah."
Cursing him, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he staggered back, collapsed with dehydration and rasped.....
"They won't let me in without a ****ing tie...!"

LMAO- good one.


TheRealCallie said:
ucxb said:
Do you know what's easier than applying sunscreen? Not going outside.

HA, I know that very well. I prefer that method :p (I don't like the sun)

Wuss (plural) :p
 

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