Jokes

[Sci-Fi]

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very
attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!" As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed... "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly
departed...

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

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I think a blonde submitted this joke...

Q. Five blondes are facing execution, a rocket scientist, a historian, a bimbo, and a mathematician. They are each hit with one bullet but, only one bleeds, which one?
A. The bimbo, you have to be real to bleed.

---

What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?
They can both smell it but can't eat it.

 

[fortasse]

I think a blond submitted this joke...

Q. Five blondes are facing execution, a rocket scientist, a historian, a bimbo, and a mathematician. They are each hit with one bullet but, only one bleeds, which one?
A. The bimbo, you have to be real to bleed.

I would say so, since the math is off in the Question.

 

[WishingWell]

Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their
soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a
few shelves set up.

One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some senior is going
to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a
curious senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft
voice asked, "What are you selling' here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "Must be doing well...only
two left."

 

[Ladysphinx]

Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

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[video=youtube]

 

[Ladysphinx]

[video=youtube]

 

[Sci-Fi]

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.
He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, “Can I help you?”
The man said, “Yeah, I’ve come to activate your phone lines.”

 

[Sci-Fi]

Not a joke but so funny

 

[MavChat]

View attachment 1

 

[Sci-Fi]

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[Peaches]

Ok, not so PC:

a nun runs to the Main Nun (how do you call her?) and crying she confesses: dear Mother, somebody raped me, what shall I do?
to which the Main Nun replies: well, you should run to the kitchen and eat a lemon.
the nun is very puzzled: "why is that? do you think I won't get pregnant that way?"

"no, but at least it will wipe that satisfied expression off your face".


and this is a better one:

Little Peter is the son of a widower - one day he comes back from school early, and while walking in he notices his mom's door a bit open, and he sees his mom stark naked in front of the mirror, caressing herself, and saying: I want a man.. I want a man.. Little Peter thinks "weird" and goes to sleep.
Another school day goes by, and the same happens: Little Peter comes back from school early and has a glance of him mom stark naked in front of the mirror, caressing her body and saying: I want a man.. I want a man.. Little Peter goes to sleep.
The following day he comes back home early again and.... he finds him mom in bed with a man!
At this point, this is what he does: he runs to his room, undresses, and starts caressing his body in front of the mirror saying: I want a bicycle.. I want a bicycle...

 

[Peter Lorre]

[video=youtube]

 

[Peaches]

just heard this today, it's kind of racist for guys, sorry guys..

In a man's brain, the only neuron left is feeling really lonely and wonders where all the other neurons are. Finally he sees another neuron, and jumps all over him: "my pal, I was looking forward to see you" and the second neuron stops him - "don't get excited, I am just here to get some beers, then I ll go back with all the others at Dick's party".

 

[Sci-Fi]

LOL peaches those are funny and I believe the head nun is referred to as Mother Superior or something like that. The nun joke was hilarious.

 

[Sci-Fi]

I couldn't stop laughing at this, just the image of hitting one of those buttons depending on who's coming for the elevator.

 

[BrokenInside]

Hey guys what about posting some jokes here to make others smile?

A man went to the cinema to watch a movie but because of two women loudly chatting together, who were sitting in the row infront of him, he was unable to hear the dialogues clearly. The man leaned forward and said in a stage whisper, "Excuse me ladies but i can't hear."
"I should hope not" stormed the woman, "This is a private conversation"

 

[soresoul]

Wife calls her husband at work and says "honey the sink is clogged up!" The husband in an annoying voice says "im not a plumber and im at work right now ill look at it later" and hangs up.

Wife calls later that day and says" honey now the toilet is overflowing" the husband even more annoyned says "what did I tell you eariler, im not a plumber im at work right now, leave me alone" and hangs up the phone again.

The husband comes home later and sees the toilet fixed and so is the sink. The husband ask the wife did she fix it? She's says oh no a very nice neighbor came over and fix it all for me, he was so sweet. The husband says, that's cool, how much did he charge? She says nothing at all, he ask either make hima cake or give him sex. The husband ask, so what kind of cake did you bake him?

The wife laughs and says who do you think I am, betty crocker?

 

[user 33141]

A husband comes home to his wife and yells: "Pack your bags honey, I won the lottery!"

The wife gets all excited and yells back: "Oh my god! Wow! What should I pack for, the mountains or the beach?"

The husband replies: "I don't care, just get out of here!"

 

[soresoul]

Another lottery joke.

Husband ask his wife one day "would you leave me if we won the lottery" she says "yes I would and I would take half the winnings" he said ok well I won $10 on a scratch off, here's your $5 now get out of my life.

 

[BrokenInside]

LOL

Boy: Do you love me coz my dad left me a fortune?
Girl: No, stupid! I'd love you, no matter who left you the money.

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A woman was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and landed on Science and Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a while and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

 

[pacman]

So this couple in their 50s traveled to the doctor to get the test results from some recent checkups that the husband went through. When they got there, the doctor turned to the wife and told her that he'd like to speak with her privately.
After they enter his office, Dr. Leibowitz says, "Mary, have a seat. Listen, your husband Peter has been diagnosed with a terminal illness and to which there is only one cure known to medical science today, but it will take some extra effort on your part." Mary responded with intense excitement and emotion "Please doctor, tell me!" So the Doctor responds, "Then you must do exactly as I say. The only way that Peter will get better is if for the next six months he is in a completely stress free environment, and you attend to his every need. Make sure that he has a hot cooked gourmet meal every night, don't let him do any chores around the house, do them all yourself, if both of you are watching tv, make sure that you are watching only channels that he likes, give him oral sex at least once a day, and if you happen to get into a disagreement over something, please just admit that he's right and then apologize. Do all this and he is sure to get better within 6 months."
On their way home in the car, Peter asks Mary what the doctor said. Mary answers, "He says that you are going to die."