Jokes

[Sci-Fi]

LMAO!!! Dude that one really made me laugh!

An old couple walk into a hospital. The doctor says to the old man, "I'll need a urine sample, a feces sample, and a blood sample."
The old man says, "What?" So the doctor says it again. Once again the old man says, "what?"
So the doctor realizing the old man is slightly deaf raises his voice, "I NEED A URINE SAMPLE, A FECES SAMPLE, AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!"
With that the old woman turns to the old man and says, "He needs a pair of your underwear!"

 

[ThatOneDude]

An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him a seat. As the bus shakes and rattles, the old man's cane slips on the floor and he falls. As he gets up, a seven year old kid, sitting nearby, turns to him and says, "If you put a little rubber thingy on the end of your stick, it wouldn't slip."

The old man snaps back: "Well, if your daddy did the same thing seven years ago, I would have a seat today."

 

[tangerinedream]

Q: How many WASPs does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Two. One to call the electrician and one to mix the martinis.

(I seriously lol'ed at that, being a WASP, but truly, I can call the electrician WHILE mixing a martini)

---

Q: How many `Real Men' does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None: `Real Men' aren't afraid of the dark.

 

[Blue Bob]

An old bull and a young bull are resting under a shade tree on a hill. A farmer in the next pasture unloads several cows from his stock trailer. When the farmer leaves the young bull jumps up and says “Lets run down, jump the fence and screw a couple of them cows!” The old bull replies, “No. Let’s walk down, climb the fence and screw ‘em all.”

 

[Dessa]

ok I don't know if you guys will find this joke funny, but it is funny if we say it in our local language. lol

there was a convent that got held up by some bandits. after releasing the nuns, they were interviewed. one of the younger nuns said to the reporter, 'they were heartless, I could take it if they raped me but to rape our mother superior too! that is unforgivable' then she cried. The mother superior was also interviewed. The reporter asked her how is she feeling now. The mother superior answered, 'I can now urinate well'... har har har XD

I don't get it. -.-

 

[Blue Bob]

i didn't get it either...still thinking...

---

a guy walks into a bar and says “bartender, set me up with twelve shots of
whiskey.” The bartender sets up his shots and the guy drinks them one
after the other as fast as he can, so the bartender says “God damn I aint
never seen anybody drink shots that fast!”
The guy says “You’d drink ‘em that fast too if you had what I got.”
The bartender asks “What have you got?”
The guy says “75 cents.”

 

[Dessa]

Riight. Is it because of her urinary tract? Jeez I dunno.

 

[ThatOneDude]

Yeah I completely missed that one...

 

[Blue Bob]

A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what she does with the money.

The first does a total make-over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,0000 and invests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each of the women had done with the money, and then he married the one with the largest breasts.

 

[Dessa]

Lmao that was a completer turn around. Funny though.

 

[Sci-Fi]

This is one of my favorites and never fails to make me laugh.

One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of Indians attacked them and knocked them out.

When they woke up, they were at the Chief's of the tribes throne.

The Chief then said "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me."

So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The Chief then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed.

Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The Chief soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apparent reason, and was killed.

The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you'd have gotten away!"

The second guy answered while still laughing, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples."

 

[Dessa]

Lol Sci-Fi. I'd have started laughing, too.

 

[ThatOneDude]

Ok, I copied this one, but it's still funny.


In order to assure the highest levels of quality work & productivity from employees, it would be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T. than any one else.

If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our managers are specially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.

Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T.S.H.I.T.). Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, & are all full of S.H.I.T. already.

If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job training others. we can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.). Those who are full of B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. will get the S.H.I.T. jobs, and can apply for promotion to DIRECTOR OF INTENSIVE PROGRAMMING (D.I.P. S.H.I.T.).

If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TRAINING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).

Thank you,

BOSS IN GENERAL
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
(B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)

 

[Sci-Fi]

LOL Dude, my old boss loved that joke. He even printed up a memo with that joke on them and passed it around.

My part-timer told me a joke yesterday, it's a little blue but here it goes.

There's six people on a plane, a Priest, a Lawyer, a Doctor and 3 boy scouts. The engines blow out and the plane starts to go down, and there are only 3 parachutes. The Doctor says that they should give the parachutes to the 3 boy scouts. They are young and have yet to live their lives where as they all have. The Lawyer says "**** the boy scouts." To which the Priests replies "Do we have time?"

Oh yeah that's a bad one, but I laughed, and I was in the boy scouts.

 

[Ladysphinx]

LOL, I get that one and though it's grude it's pretty funny. The one of the jobs are all very good, lol. The jokes posted here are really funny, love them.

 

[ThatOneDude]

Copied this one too, but it's still funny

"A 75-year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow."

The next day, the 75-year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asks what happened,and the man explains, "Well, first I tried with my right hand, but nothing happened. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand - nothing. Then with her left, still nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."

The doctor was shocked. "You asked your NEIGHBOR?"

The old man replied, "Yup, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't get the damn jar open!"

 

[Ladysphinx]

It got crowded in heaven so, for one day and one day only, it was decided to only accept people who had really bad day on the day they died.

St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died." The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, of which I died from."

St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in. He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job. "Tell me about the day you died?” he said to the third man in line. "OK, picture this; I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."

 

[ThatOneDude]

O.O that. is. awesome.

 

[Sci-Fi]

LOL ladysphinx I like that one.

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Just read this one and it made me laugh.

An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City building when a young, beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume.

She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, "Romance" by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!"

Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, "Chanel No. 5, $200 an ounce!"

About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over and farts and says, "Broccoli - 49 cents a pound."

---

ROFLMAO! I laughed so hard at this one I had a hard time copy/paste it.

A woman goes to church with her husband every week, but she is always humiliated by her husband falling asleep. So after one service she approached the vicar and asked him what she should do to stop him.
The vicar gave her a sewing needle and said, "just stab him with this when he falls asleep"

So the next week they go to church and sure enough the husband falls asleep. As the vicar gave a sermon he asked "Who is the creator of all?" the woman poked her sleeping husband to wake him up and he shouted in pain "GOD!!!!", "Yes" said the vicar.

10 minutes later, he fell asleep again, as the vicar asked the audience "who is the son of god?" she poked him with the needle and he jolted awake shouting "JESUS!!" "yes" replied the vicar

Near the end of the sermon he fell asleep again, and the vicar asked the audience "And what did Eve say to Adam after she gave birth to his 99th child?" and the woman poked her husband awake again, and he screamed at her "IF YOU STICK THAT F*CKING THING INSIDE ME ONE MORE TIME I'LL SNAP IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ASS!!"

 

[Blue Bob]

very funny jokes guys!

here's an old one

a guy wakes up one morning and finds that his dick has turned orange. so he goes to his doctor and says "doc, i woke up this morning and my dick was orange." the doc says "that's very strange. was it orange when you went to bed?" the guy says "no, but it was when i woke up." the doc says "ok, well tell me exactly what you were doing before you fell asleep." the guy thinks a second and says "well i didn't really do too much…i watched a porno…and i ate some cheetos..."