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Bluey
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lingo said:Here is another one.. I just read.
Q: Q: What do dolphins and men have in common?
A: They say that they're intelligent but no one's been able to prove that.
What they say that we are intelligent or we say that they are? lol But ye I see your point.
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As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the Step.Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little. More and again was unable to take the step.
About this time, a large Kentuckian who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, 'How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!' The Kentuckian smiled and drawled, 'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.'
About this time, a large Kentuckian who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, 'How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!' The Kentuckian smiled and drawled, 'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.'
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The only way to have a Saturday afternoon quickie with their 8 year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle, and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. 'There's a car being towed from the parking lot,' He shouted. 'An Ambulance just drove by.' 'Looks like the Andersons have company,' he called out. 'Matt's riding a new bike.' 'Looks like the Sanders are moving.' 'Jason is on his skate board.'
After a few moments he announced, 'I think the Coopers are having sex!
Startled, his Mother and Dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out, 'How do you know they are having sex?'
'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle.'
.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. 'There's a car being towed from the parking lot,' He shouted. 'An Ambulance just drove by.' 'Looks like the Andersons have company,' he called out. 'Matt's riding a new bike.' 'Looks like the Sanders are moving.' 'Jason is on his skate board.'
After a few moments he announced, 'I think the Coopers are having sex!
Startled, his Mother and Dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out, 'How do you know they are having sex?'
'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle.'
.
E
evanescencefan91
Guest
rofl
smart little boy
smart little boy
Satans Glory
Active member
Has anyone said about the pencil?
Nevermind, it was pretty pointless.
Woo, i'm a qualified comedian now.
Nevermind, it was pretty pointless.
Woo, i'm a qualified comedian now.
Van Hooligan X
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everytime van reads a horrible joke, god kills a kitten
poor poor kittens
poor poor kittens
Van Hooligan X
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i hear the jackson 5 are having a 20% discount
Naval_Fluff
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Alright, this one's nasty so umm...read at your own risk
A couple get done with making love and the man throws the condom out the window. "You can't do that! Go and pick it up!" The woman says. So the man goes out and looks for it. A little while later he comes across a kid holding his lost condom. He asks if he can have it back and the kid says "Well, alright, you can have your twinkie back, but I already ate the cream filling."
A couple get done with making love and the man throws the condom out the window. "You can't do that! Go and pick it up!" The woman says. So the man goes out and looks for it. A little while later he comes across a kid holding his lost condom. He asks if he can have it back and the kid says "Well, alright, you can have your twinkie back, but I already ate the cream filling."
Naval_Fluff
Well-known member
A blonde is driving down the road and then she slams on her brakes because she was not watching and smacks into the back of some guy in a truck so the guy gets out and starts yelling at her and he gets so angry that he draws a circle in the sand on the side of the road and tells her he will hurt her if she gets out of the circle so he gets out a sledge hammer and starts smashing up her car and then he hears her laughing so he turns around and tells her to shut up then he continues smashing it and he hears her laughing again finally after the third times she laughs he turns around and says “what are you laughing about I am smashing your car and your laughing” and she says “well when you weren’t looking I stepped out of the cirlcle three times!”
Naval_Fluff
Well-known member
Johnny walks in to see his dad doing his mom on the bed. His dad winks at him anf Johmmy goes upstairs. When his dad finds him he has his grandma bent over a desk. "What the hell are you doing!!" His dad screams. Johnny winks and says "Not so funny when it's your mom."
Van Hooligan X
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Van Hooligan X said:
Naval_Fluff said:
poor poor kittens
(disclaimer: van actually laughed and liked this joke)
Sam and Fred were out fishing one day, and during the course of their lazy, fishing conversation, Fred made the boast that he 'knew everybody'.
"Oh yeah?" said Sam. "I bet you don't know my friend Bob."
"Sure I know Bob!" Fred exclaimed. "He's the fellow with the eye patch, who walks with a limp. The poor guy. He was never the same after that accident."
"Oh yeah?" said Sam, not to be defeated. "Well, I bet you don't know the woman who does my wife's hair!"
"You mean Rhonda?" Fred said. "Of course I know Rhonda! Nice woman, though she's not the stylist she thinks she is!"
And so it went, with Sam rattling off names, and Fred replying with a "heck yeah I know them" and an amusing anecdote of some kind as proof. Finally, after all the local names had been spent, Sam swung for the fences.
"Well, I bet you don't know Tom Hanks!" he said.
"Heck yeah I know Tom Hanks!" Fred said. "Old Tom and I go way back. A very talented guy." Incredulous, Sam demanded proof, and Fred suggested they take a trip out to the coast and visit his old friend. Being two men of means, they abandoned their fishing and were soon on a plane to Hollywood. Amazingly enough, when they landed they were met at the gate by none other than Tom Hanks himself. He treated them to a very expensive lunch, where Tom and Fred spent some quality time reminiscing about the good old days. Sam, of course, was quite astonished, but hadn't been defeated yet. After Mr. Hanks dropped them off back at the airport, Sam extended the gauntlet.
"I bet you don't know the President of these United States," he said. Fred just smiled, then whipped out his cell phone. A couple of hours later Air Force One landed right there in L.A., and they were escorted aboard to meet a president who is obviously delighted to see his old friend Fred again, and again Sam sat in bewilderment as the two caught up on old times, all the while jetting across the country to Washington D.C. After they'd disembarked in their nation's capital, and the president had proceeded on to the White House, Fred directed a smug look at Sam. In desparation, Sam gave it one more try.
"Well, I bet you don't know the Pope," he said. His face paled as Fred rolled his eyes.
"Who doesn't know the Pope?" Fred said. By the next morning they were in the Vatican, just in time for a Papal address to the public.
"You wait here," Fred said as they joined the crowds waiting below the Pope's balcony. "I'll go up and see if he's available." So he left Sam alone and confused. How could this be possible? He couldn't POSSIBLY know the Pope! Just then the Pope appeared on the balcony above, and right by his side was Fred, who waved down at his dumbfounded fishing buddy.
"Hey!" said someone in the crowd behind him. "Who's that guy up on the balcony with Fred?"
"Oh yeah?" said Sam. "I bet you don't know my friend Bob."
"Sure I know Bob!" Fred exclaimed. "He's the fellow with the eye patch, who walks with a limp. The poor guy. He was never the same after that accident."
"Oh yeah?" said Sam, not to be defeated. "Well, I bet you don't know the woman who does my wife's hair!"
"You mean Rhonda?" Fred said. "Of course I know Rhonda! Nice woman, though she's not the stylist she thinks she is!"
And so it went, with Sam rattling off names, and Fred replying with a "heck yeah I know them" and an amusing anecdote of some kind as proof. Finally, after all the local names had been spent, Sam swung for the fences.
"Well, I bet you don't know Tom Hanks!" he said.
"Heck yeah I know Tom Hanks!" Fred said. "Old Tom and I go way back. A very talented guy." Incredulous, Sam demanded proof, and Fred suggested they take a trip out to the coast and visit his old friend. Being two men of means, they abandoned their fishing and were soon on a plane to Hollywood. Amazingly enough, when they landed they were met at the gate by none other than Tom Hanks himself. He treated them to a very expensive lunch, where Tom and Fred spent some quality time reminiscing about the good old days. Sam, of course, was quite astonished, but hadn't been defeated yet. After Mr. Hanks dropped them off back at the airport, Sam extended the gauntlet.
"I bet you don't know the President of these United States," he said. Fred just smiled, then whipped out his cell phone. A couple of hours later Air Force One landed right there in L.A., and they were escorted aboard to meet a president who is obviously delighted to see his old friend Fred again, and again Sam sat in bewilderment as the two caught up on old times, all the while jetting across the country to Washington D.C. After they'd disembarked in their nation's capital, and the president had proceeded on to the White House, Fred directed a smug look at Sam. In desparation, Sam gave it one more try.
"Well, I bet you don't know the Pope," he said. His face paled as Fred rolled his eyes.
"Who doesn't know the Pope?" Fred said. By the next morning they were in the Vatican, just in time for a Papal address to the public.
"You wait here," Fred said as they joined the crowds waiting below the Pope's balcony. "I'll go up and see if he's available." So he left Sam alone and confused. How could this be possible? He couldn't POSSIBLY know the Pope! Just then the Pope appeared on the balcony above, and right by his side was Fred, who waved down at his dumbfounded fishing buddy.
"Hey!" said someone in the crowd behind him. "Who's that guy up on the balcony with Fred?"
Naval_Fluff
Well-known member
A blonde chick found herself sitting next to a lawyer on an airplane. Bored, the lawyer kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence (lawyers like easy prey). Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers he’d give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.
The lawyer first asked, “What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?” Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5.
The blonde then asked, “What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?”
The lawyer looked puzzled. He spent nearly an hour, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls, trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00
The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, “What is the answer to your question?”
Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? It was dead! Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree? It was stapled to the first monkey! Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree? Peer pressure...
The lawyer first asked, “What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?” Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5.
The blonde then asked, “What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?”
The lawyer looked puzzled. He spent nearly an hour, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls, trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00
The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, “What is the answer to your question?”
Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? It was dead! Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree? It was stapled to the first monkey! Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree? Peer pressure...
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Aphorism: A Short, Pointed Sentence Expressing A Wise Or Clever
Observation Or A General Truth.
1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.
2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.
3. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.
4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.
8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?
9. Scratch a cat and you will have a permanent job.
10. No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.
11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.
12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM.
- Like this: It could be the right number.
13. No one ever says 'It's only a game.' when their team is winning.
14. I've reached the age where 'happy hour' is a nap.
15. Be careful about reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it.
16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
17. Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?(And rap music will be the Golden Oldies !
18. Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo.
19. After 60, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead!
Always be yourself. Because the people that matter, don't mind. And the ones that mind, don't matter.
Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.
Frozen Crabs and Blonde Stewardess
A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen
crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.
She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.
He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for
them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a
lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let
them thaw out.
Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before
landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire
cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please
raise your hand?" Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate
them.
Two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as some folks think.
Observation Or A General Truth.
1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.
2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.
3. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.
4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.
8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?
9. Scratch a cat and you will have a permanent job.
10. No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.
11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.
12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM.
- Like this: It could be the right number.
13. No one ever says 'It's only a game.' when their team is winning.
14. I've reached the age where 'happy hour' is a nap.
15. Be careful about reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it.
16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
17. Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?(And rap music will be the Golden Oldies !
18. Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo.
19. After 60, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead!
Always be yourself. Because the people that matter, don't mind. And the ones that mind, don't matter.
Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.
Frozen Crabs and Blonde Stewardess
A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen
crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.
She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.
He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for
them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a
lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let
them thaw out.
Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before
landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire
cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please
raise your hand?" Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate
them.
Two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as some folks think.
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A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport . After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, 'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax.... OH, MY GOD!'
Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'
A passenger in Coach yelled, 'That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!'
Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'
A passenger in Coach yelled, 'That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!'
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A post office worker finds an unstamped envelope addressed simply to "God." Inside is a letter written in a shaky hand, from an old woman. She has been robbed, she says, of the $100 she needs to get by for the rest of the month and will have to go hungry without it if she doesn't receive divine intervention.
Deeply touched, the worker passes the hat among his fellow postal employees. They dig deep and get close to what she needs, collecting $95, which they send special delivery to the old woman.
A week later, the same postal worker recognizes the same handwriting on another envelope. He opens the letter and reads: "Dear God. Thank you for the $100 -- it really helped me out. P.S. It was $5 short, but that was probably those thieving *******s at the post office."
--
Paddy and Mick are two Irishmen working at the local sawmill.
One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw.
Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital.
Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick.
The nurse says, 'Oh he's out in Rehab exercising'. Paddy couldn't believe it, but here's Mick out the back exercising his now re-attached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.
A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw thingamebob. So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to hospital. Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is.
The nurse replies, 'He's out in the Rehab again exercising' and sure enough, here's Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill.
And very soon Mick comes back to work.
But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head. Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to hospital. Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is.
The nurse breaks down and cries and says, 'He's dead.'
Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. 'I suppose the saw finally did him in.'
'No', says the nurse, 'Some dopey bugger put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated'.
--
High School Prank
Who says today's kids aren't smart? Well, some of them are!
At a high school in Montana a group of students played a prank on the school.
They let three goats loose in the school.
Before they let them go they painted numbers on the sides of the goats: 1, 2 and 4.
Local school administrators spent most of the day looking for #3.
--
Deeply touched, the worker passes the hat among his fellow postal employees. They dig deep and get close to what she needs, collecting $95, which they send special delivery to the old woman.
A week later, the same postal worker recognizes the same handwriting on another envelope. He opens the letter and reads: "Dear God. Thank you for the $100 -- it really helped me out. P.S. It was $5 short, but that was probably those thieving *******s at the post office."
--
Paddy and Mick are two Irishmen working at the local sawmill.
One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw.
Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital.
Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick.
The nurse says, 'Oh he's out in Rehab exercising'. Paddy couldn't believe it, but here's Mick out the back exercising his now re-attached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.
A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw thingamebob. So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to hospital. Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is.
The nurse replies, 'He's out in the Rehab again exercising' and sure enough, here's Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill.
And very soon Mick comes back to work.
But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head. Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to hospital. Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is.
The nurse breaks down and cries and says, 'He's dead.'
Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. 'I suppose the saw finally did him in.'
'No', says the nurse, 'Some dopey bugger put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated'.
--
High School Prank
Who says today's kids aren't smart? Well, some of them are!
At a high school in Montana a group of students played a prank on the school.
They let three goats loose in the school.
Before they let them go they painted numbers on the sides of the goats: 1, 2 and 4.
Local school administrators spent most of the day looking for #3.
--
