Jokes

[Minus]

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious
diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with
walking twenty-five miles to school every morning.... Uphill...
Barefoot... BOTH ways… yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way I
was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had
it and how easy they've got it!

But now that I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but
look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I
mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a Utopia! And I hate to say
it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet. If we wanted to
know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves,
in the card catalog!!

There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter -
with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and
put it in the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there!
Stamps were 10 cents!

Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a
matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to
kick our ass! Nowhere was safe!

There were no MP3's or Napsters or iTunes! If you wanted to steal
music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it
yourself!

Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ
would usually talk over the beginning and mess it all up! There were no
CD players! We had tape decks in our car.. We'd play our favorite tape
and "eject" it when finished, and then the tape would come undone
rendering it useless. Cause, hey, that's how we rolled, Baby! Dig?

We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and
somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that's it!

There weren't any freakin' cell phones either. If you left the house, you
just didn't make a call or receive one. You actually had to be out of
touch with your "friends". OH MY GOD !!! Think of the horror... not being
in touch with someone 24/7!!! And then there's TEXTING. Yeah, right.
Please! You kids have no idea how annoying you are.

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you
had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your parents, your
boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, the collection agent... you just
didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games with
high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like
'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your screen guy was a little square!
You actually had to use your imagination!!! And there were no multiple
levels or screens, it was just one screen... Forever! And you could never
win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster
until you died! Just like LIFE!

You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was
on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off
your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel!!! NO REMOTES!!!
Oh, no, what's the world coming to?!?!

There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on
Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying? We had to wait ALL
WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-finks!

And we didn't have microwaves. If we wanted to heat something up, we had
to use the stove! Imagine that!

And our parents told us to stay outside and play... all day long. Oh, no,
no electronics to soothe and comfort. And if you came back inside... you
were doing chores!

And car seats - oh, please! Mom threw you in the back seat and you
hung on. If you were luckily, you got the "safety arm" across the
chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if your head hit
the dashboard, well that was your fault for calling "shot gun" in the
first place!

See! That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got
it too easy. You're spoiled rotten! You guys wouldn't have lasted
five minutes back in 1980 or any time before!

 

[Minus]

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and
flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project
which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere
under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints
and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to
say, "Oh, S---!"

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal
your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt
heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer
intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various
flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the
grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing
race..

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground
after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack
handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut
good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the
trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside
edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of
everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under
lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on
your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out
Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used
to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and
butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays
is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts
adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly
well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic
bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic
parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in
use.

 

[evanescencefan91]

here's some lame depressing jokes



Q What's good about depression?
A You always have your funeral planned in advance,

Q What's good about Treatment Resistent Depression?
A You qualify for all the Clinical Trials!

Q What's an advantage to Major Depression?
A You never have to make your bed, since you're always in it.

Q. Why did the depressed person cross the busy road?
A. To get to "the other side".


Q. Why did the depressed person finish their autobiography?
A. So that they could get to the end of their life.


Patient: I have a problem doctor.I feel depressed and worthless.
Doctor: You should cut down on your drinks.
Patient: I don't drink and have never touched a drop in my life.
Doctor: You should cut down on your smoking.
Patient: I don't smoke either doctor.
Doctor: You should cut down on womanizing.
Patient: Good heavens!! Haven't touched a woman in my entire life.
Doctor: Your problem is you have no problems!! Get yourself a drink, learn to smoke, and find a couple of girlfriends and you will be alright.



Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are depressed, it doesn’t matter which number you press. No one will answer.
If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.


Psychiatrist to his nurse:
Just say we're very busy. Don't keep saying it's a madhouse.


Client: "Everybody ignores me. "
Doctor: "Next, please.

I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline. They've got a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.


What do you get when you cross a chicken with a centipede?
A media circus about the debate over the morals and ethics of genetic engineering.

What’s worse then finding a worm in your apple?
The Holocaust.

What happens when a psychiatrist and a hooker spend the night together? In the morning each of them says: "120 dollars, please."

In a psychiatrist's waiting room two patients are having a conversation. One says to the other, "Why are you here?"
The second answers, "I'm Napoleon, so the doctor told me to come here."
The first is curious and asks, "How do you know that you're Napoleon?"
The second responds, "God told me I was."
At this point, a patient on the other side of the room shouts, "NO I DIDN'T!"


What do you call a man with a spade in his head?

You call him an ambulance. He may have fractured his skull.


What’s black, white, and hungry?
The population of Zimbabwe.


I was at an ATM and this old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.


This biker walks into a bar, and sees a man sitting by himself, just staring at his drink. Fifteen, twenty, then thirty minutes pass, and the guy hasn't so much as glanced away. So the biker, in a mischievous mood, walks over to him, grabs the drink, and swallows it all in a single gulp. Suddenly, the man starts to weep uncontrollably.

"Jeez, if I'd known you'd do that, I wouldn't have drank your beer!" Said the biker, startled. "I was only kidding. Here, let me buy you something. Anything you want."

"You don't understand." Said the man, still crying. "I've had the worst possible day. I woke up 30 minutes late, and when I got to work, my boss fired me. So I go out to my car, only to find it's been stolen out of the lot. So I get a cab, but when I get out, I realize I've left my keys and wallet inside. I get home, and I find my wife in bed with another man...

"To top it all off, I was sitting here just picking up the courage to kill myself, and you come by and drink my poison!"

 

[Minus]

Variations on a joke.

As i first heard it many years ago.


There were two penguins in a bathtub. One said, "Pass me a bar of soap." The other one said, "What do you think I look like? A typewriter?"

__

As i have seen it going around over the years...

Two lemons were in the shower. The first one said, “Pass me the soap.” The second one said, “What do you think I am? A typewriter?”

__

Two bears are sitting in the bathtub. The first bear says to the second bear: "Pass the soap." The second bear says, "No soap. Radio."

__

There were two elephants sitting in a bath tub and one turns to the other and says "Pass the Soap" and then the other one says, "No Soap. Radio"

__

There's three penguins in a bathtub. One of them asks the other, "Pass the soap." The other replies, "What do you think I am, a radio?"

__

 

[Ladysphinx]

Tel us any jokes good or bad. I'll begin.

Why wasn't Jesus born in Bethlem South Africa ? Cause they couldn't find any three wise men.

What is the diffrence between America and yogurt ? If you leave yogurt alone for 200 years it would grow a culture ?

 

[Sci-Fi]

LOL!! Why isn't this thread more active, we all need a good larf now and then. I mean no offence to blondes with the following jokes, some of my friends are blonde.

One day a brunette, a redhead and a blonde decide to go through their daughter's purses.

So, the brunette goes through her daughter's purse and finds cigarettes. She says, "Oh my god, I'm so ashamed! My Daughter smokes."

So, the redhead goes through her daughter's purse and finds an empty can of beer. She says, "Oh my god I'm so ashamed! My daughter drinks."

So, finally, it's the blondes turn and she finds a used condom. She says, "Oh my god I'm so ashamed! My daughter has a penis."

***

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I’ll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home." The brunette arrives at the man’s ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.

After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I’ve bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home." The telegraph operator explains that he’ll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word. Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she’ll only be able to send her sister one word. After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her the word comfortable."

The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word comfortable?"

The brunette explains, "My sister’s blonde. The word is big. She’ll read it very slowly….com-for-da- bul."

***

A snail goes into a bar and orders a beer.

The barman says 'Sorry we don't serve snails' and throws him out.

A couple of weeks later the snail goes into the bar again and says...
'What did you do that for!'

 

[Minus]

The accountant had just read the story of Cinderella to his four-year-old daughter for the first time. The little girl was fascinated by the story, especially the part where the pumpkin turns into a golden coach. Suddenly she piped up, “Daddy, when the pumpkin turned into a golden coach, would that be classed as income or a long-term capital gain?”

 

[Ladysphinx]

The rich old man is dying from old age and sends for his laywer to rewrite his will. He tell his laywer that he's wife must inhert everything, the large house, the cars, all his money, all his shares, artworks every thing, but there's one condition. The laywer asks what is this condition ? The old man says that his wife has to remarry within six month. Confused the laywer asks why the old man is making such a strange requests. The old man responds: Listen I want at least one person to feel sorry that I died.

***********************

The large firm advertizes for a accountants position. Three candidates applies for the position and each one is called for an inteview. The first one enter the office and the CEO asks him what is 2+2. He anwsers 4.
The second one enters the office and again the CEO askes what is 2+2 Again the anwser is 4. Third one enter the office CEO asks the same qeustion, the third canididate leans forward and asks "what do you want the anwser to be?" He got the job.

********************

 

[SherryGee]

Q: How do you confuse an idiot?
A: Give him two spades and tell him to take his pick.

 

[suckaG]

why was the tomato blushing?

because it saw the salad dressing!

 

[Ladysphinx]

A Man and a Casket........

A man who makes caskets was on his way to deliver one of the coffins when his car broke down.
Trying not to be late, he put the coffin on his head and began heading to his destination.
Some policemen saw him and wanted to make some money off him (bribe), so they challenged him:
"Hey!!! What are you carrying and where are you going?!"
The man said, "I do not like where I was buried, so I am relocating".
The Policemen ran for their lives.

 

[Dessa]

Three men went up to heaven after death. They noticed that it was full of ducks. An angel told them that if they step on a duck they will be handcuffed to an ugly person of the opposite gender for eternity. Right after the first man stepped on a duck. The angel came back with an ugly woman and cuffed them. A day later the second man stepped on a duck and that same thing happened. The third man feeling confident that he hasn't stepped on a duck yet was surprised when the angel came back, this time with a beautiful woman. He was sure this was his reward for not stepping on a duck. The angel then proceeded to cuff them together. However, the man suddenly came to realization when the woman yelled out, "I'm so sorry for stepping on the duck!"

Best I can come up with. Heard it somewhere before. I know, laame. And Sci-Fi, I laughed out loud with the comfortable one.

 

[Ivy]

(nothing against blond's, but my bro told me this.)

A blond woman gos into a store and says, "Id like to buy this TV". The clerk says, "sorry, we don't sell to blonds". She leaves and gets a brown wig. She gos back wearing it and asks to buy the TV again. The clerk says, "sorry, we don't sell to blonds". She leaves and gets a black haired wig and tries again. When the clerk gives the same answer she asks, "How did you know I was blond?" He answered, "That's not a TV, its a microwave"

 

[Mary Mary]

Why aren't elephants small, white and round?
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Because if they were, they'd be an aspirin.

 

[Ivy]

what do you call a row of rabbits jumping backwards? A receding hare line.

 

[ThatOneDude]

Ok, so there's a Federation dude and a Zeon dude sitting in a bar. The Zeon asks the Fed,"hey, why don't you guy's build more Mobile Suits?" and the Fed replies "well we would, but we don't have the SPACE"

....
<.< >.>

please someone else get my lame gundam joke!


I actually do have real jokes, but they're kinda......dirty?

 

[Sci-Fi]

...uh lol... I don't get it.

So this guy walks into a bar...and says...ow.

---

This isn't a joke but it's funny for those who will get it, I guess it is kind of a joke if it makes you laugh.

My mom made me a separate salad for supper when I was at her place Saturday night. All you could really see were the tomatoes on top, there were greens and carrots under it all. My brother said it looked like just tomatoes, to which I said it didn't even look like a salad. My mom then mixes it up and my brother says, "Awe mom tossed your salad for you." I hit him in the arm with the plate I was holding (it was empty) and he asked why I did that while I was trying not to laugh.

ROFL!

 

[Sci-Fi]

This one is a little PG13 but I've always liked this joke

So, there are these 3 nuns and a priest who all share a house together. They have an agreement that they would take turns using the house. The priest had been at the house that week and he figured he had enough time to take a shower before the 3 nuns show up. Much to his surprise upon exiting the shower the nuns had arrived early. Not knowing what to do the priest froze, holding a bar of soap in one hand and his towel in the other.
The 3 nuns spotted the priest and began to giggle. The first nun walked up to him and said; "I think this is one of those nude statues that you put money in and they give you something." She proceeded to place a quarter in the priests mouth and pulled on his penis. He quickly handed her the bar of soap. "Oh look, I got soap." said the first nun.
The second nun walks up to him, places a quarter in his mouth, pulls on his penis and she receives a towel. "Oh look, I got a towel!" Said the second nun.
So the third nun, a little excited to find out what she'd get walks up to the priest, places a quarter in his mouth and pulls on his penis. She then returns to the other 2 nuns.
"What did you get?" Asked the first nun.
The third nun opens her hands and says; "I got hand cream."

 

[floffyschneeman]

ok I don't know if you guys will find this joke funny, but it is funny if we say it in our local language. lol

there was a convent that got held up by some bandits. after releasing the nuns, they were interviewed. one of the younger nuns said to the reporter, 'they were heartless, I could take it if they raped me but to rape our mother superior too! that is unforgivable' then she cried. The mother superior was also interviewed. The reporter asked her how is she feeling now. The mother superior answered, 'I can now urinate well'... har har har XD

 

[ThatOneDude]

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young
mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he
observed.

To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've
even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it
manifests itself in your child's name, Penny,"

He turned to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. Again, it
manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the
hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go".