Jokes

[Sanal]

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, “Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn’t help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, ‘The Double Mint Twins are Comin’ And I grinned.”

“Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ‘Logan’s Liniment will reduce the swelling’, and I had to smile.

“Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, “William’s Big Stick Did the Trick”, and I could hardly contain myself.”

“BUT, your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, ‘Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident’…I just lost it.”

“CASE DISMISSED!!”

 

[Sanal]

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls in the police to tell them what has happened.

First body: “Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, inspector”, says the Coroner.

Second body: “Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.”

The Inspector asked, “What of the third body?” “Ah,” says the coroner, “This is the most unusual one: Grouch Singh, age 30, struck by lightning.”

“Why is he smiling then?” inquires the Inspector.

“He thought he was having his photo taken.”

 

[Sanal]

A man is opening a restaurant and he asks one of his workers to come up with a name for it.

The man tells Al, one of his workers, that he will name the resaurant after the first thing Al sees when he goes out the door.

Al walks outside and the first thing he saw was a girl named Lucy and he saw her legs. He told the man, and so the restaurant was named Lucy’s Legs. The man was so impressed that he said the next day Al could get a free drink.

The next day Al comes a bit early and a policeman walks by and notices Al waiting there. The policeman asks, “What are you doing?”

Al says, “I’m waiting for Lucy’s legs to open so I can get a drink.”

 

[Sanal]

Variation Law: If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged one.

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the Next morning you will have a flat tire.

Bath THEOREM: When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.

LAW OF CLOSE ENCOUNTERS: The probability of meeting someone you know increases
when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.

LAW of the RESULT: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.

LAW OF BIOMECHANICS: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

THEATRE RULE: People with the seats at the furthest from the aisle arrive last.

LAW OF COFFEE: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold

and

newton's 4th law: if u run arond a tree with greater velocity than light u can **** your own ass

 

[Sanal]

Two Italian men and a lady stranded on a desert island.
The two fought and one KILLED the other to have the lady.

Two American men and a lady stranded on a desert island.
They both had the lady TOGETHER.

Two French men and a lady stranded on a desert island.
They killed the lady to have EACH OTHER.

Two Indonesian men and a lady stranded on a desert island.
The first man claimed that island is independent and took the lady as his advisor. The second man swam to another island to search for jobs.

Two Thai men and a lady stranded on a desert island.
The first man rented the lady to the second man for 2 baht a night.

Two Filipino men and a lady stranded on a desert island.
The first man kidnapped the lady and asked for ransom from the other man.

Two Malaysian men and a lady stranded on a desert island.
The lady ACCUSED the first man of sodomising the other because she was rejected by both.

And finally….

Two Singaporean men and a lady stranded on a desert island.
The two men are still waiting for instructions from the GOVERNMENT on how to proceed.

 

[Sanal]

There were three men drinking in a bar, a doctor, an attorney and a biker. As the doctor was drinking his white wine he said, “For Valentine’s Day I’m going to buy my wife a fur coat and a diamond ring. This way if she doesn’t like the fur coat she will still love me because she got a diamond ring.”
As the attorney was drinking his martini he said, “For Valentine’s Day I’m going to buy my wife a designer dress and a gold bracelet. This way if she doesn’t like the dress she will still love me because she got the gold bracelet.”
As the biker was drinking his shots of whiskey he said, “For Valentine’s Day I’m going to buy my wife a t-shirt and a vibrator. This way if she doesn’t like the t-shirt she can go **** herself!”

 

[Sanal]

A woman goes to a doctor and says, “I am going to get married tomorrow and my would be hubby thinks I’m still a virgin but I am not. Can you do anything about it?” The Doctor says “well there isn’t much time and the procedure takes some time. Instead do one thing - slip a band of elastic around your thigh when you get in bed. When the time is appropriate make a snapping noise with it and say that it’s your virginity snapping”. Satisfied with this, the woman thanks the doctor and goes away. She has a great wedding, and they drive into the resort for their honeymoon. When its time for bed, she slips the band of elastic and gets to bed taking care to see that the lights are off. After the foreplay when the husband is about enter his thing ‘in there’ she makes the snapping noise. The husband is taken aback and he says “what the hell was that!!??”. The woman says “its nothing dear..just my virginity snapping.”

“Well whatever the hell it was, snap it again. Its got my balls!!!!”

 

[Sanal]

The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband’s lusty advances on their wedding night and reprimanded him severely.

“I demand proper manners in bed,” she declared, “just as I do at the dinner table!”

Amused by his wife’s formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair and climbed quietly between the sheets. “Is that better?” he asked, with a hint of a smile.

“Yes,” replied the girl, “much better.”

“Very good, darling,” the husband whispered. “Now would you be so kind as to please pass the pussy.”

 

[Sanal]

This woman dies, and when she gets to heaven she asks Saint Peter, “Would it be possible for me to get together with my dear departed husband? He died many years ago.”

Saint Peter asks, “What’s his name?”

“John Smith,” replies the woman.

“Gee,” says Saint Peter, “we’ve got a lot of John Smiths up here. But sometimes we can identify people by their last words. Do you happen to remember what his last words were?”

The woman thinks for a moment, then says, “Oh yes! I remember them! He said that if I ever slept with another man after he was gone, he would roll over in his grave.”

“Oh!” says Saint Peter. “You mean Whirling John Smith!”

 

[Sanal]

A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals. The chief comes to them and says, “The bad news is that now we’ve caught you and we’re going to kill you. We will put you in a pot, cook you, eat you and then we’re going to use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you can choose how to die.”

The Frenchman says, “I take ze sword.” The chief gives him a sword, the Frenchman says, “Vive la France!” and runs himself through.

The Englishman says, “a pistol for me please.” The chief gives him a pistol, the Englishman points it at his head and says, “God save the queen!” and blows his brains out.

The New Yorker says, “Gimme a fork!” The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over–the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There is blood gushing out all over, it’s horrible. The chief is appalled and asks, “My God, what are you doing?”

And the New Yorker responds, “ much for your canoe you ****** cannibal!”

 

[Sanal]

Several weeks after his birthday, I stopped by my sister’s house and my 7 year old nephew greeted me with, “Thanks for the Sea Scout Signal Whistle you gave me for my birthday! It’s the best birthday present I ever got.”

“That’s great, Did you learn how to pipe any signals on it?”

“Oh, I don’t play with it,” the little guy said.

“My mom gives me a dollar a day not to blow it during the day and my dad gives me five dollars a week not to blow it at night.”

 

[Sanal]

Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything; tutors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything they could think of. Finally in a last ditch effort, they took Tommy down & enrolled him in the local Catholic School.

After the first day, little Tommy comes home with a very serious look on his face. He doesn’t kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room & starts studying.

Books & papers are spread out all over the room and little Tommy is hard at work. His mother is amazed. She calls him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before. This goes on for sometime, day after day while the mother tries to understand what made all the difference.

Finally, little Tommy brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table and goes up to his room and hits the books. With great trepidation, his mom looks at it and to her surprise, little
Tommy got an A in math. She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his room and says: “Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?” Little Tommy looks at her and shakes his head. “Well, then,” she replies, “was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms, WHAT was it?” Little Tommy looks at her and says, “Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren’t fooling around.”

 

[Sanal]

A little boy walks into his parents’ room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him. The son sees his mom and asks, “What were you and Dad doing?”

The mother replies “Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it.”

“You’re wasting your time,” said the boy.

“Why is that?” asked his mom, puzzled.

“Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up.”

 

[Sanal]

A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Australian on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.

“Last night I made love to my wife four times,” the Frenchman bragged,” and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me.”

“Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times,” the Italian responded, “and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man.”

When the Australian remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, “And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?”

“Once,” he replied.

“Only once?” the Italian arrogantly snorted. “And what did she say to you this morning?”

“Don’t stop.”

 

[Sanal]

1. A SAD STORY : A little boy was so jealous of his new born brother that he put poison on the nipple of his mom while she was asleep. Now comes the sad part - the next day their driver died.

2. Farmer ordered a Milking Machine. Tried it on on his penis & had a wonderful orgasm, but could not remove it. So he read the manual & faints.

It said,” AUTO RELEASE AFTER 2 GALLONS”

3. A recent survey asked 100 Sexually active men what they most enjoyed about a ********. 99.9% said “The 10 minutes silence.”

4. What is a kiss ? Kiss is an enquiry in the first floor, about vacancy in the Ground Floor.

5. Why do women love gold more than man?

Because Gold has 24 Carrots while man has only one Carrot.

6. Prostitute to man: “Hi, man, want to have sex?

Man to prostitute “Ok. Only if you do it like my wife does.”

Prostitute:”I can do it in any way.

Man “but she does it for free”

7. A 20 year old boy gets married to a 65 year old lady. The next day after marriage, the boy dies.
Reason: He drank expired milk.

8. Today, in style are small cars, small watches, short skirts, and small mobile phones. There will come a time, when the SMALL PENIS will be in style, and then YOU will be the man!!!!!!

9. What is the thing that goes in dry & comes out wet. More you put it in, the stronger it gets. Men and women enjoy it in Bed????

Tea bag

 

[Sanal]

A guy is lost in the desert. All he has is a camel. He wants to **** badly. He tries to mount the camel but when he is almost in, the camel suddenly walks away. The guy tries again and again with the same result. One day an airplane crushes in that desert, the guy rushes there and all he can rescue is a beautiful girl. He gives her food and water and she says gratefully:
- I will do anything for you for saving my life, just name it.
- Hold the camel still.

 

[Sanal]

It was the mailman’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.

She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup’s bottom edge. “All this was just too wonderful for words,” he said, “but what’s the dollar for?”

“Well,” she said, “last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you.”

He said, “**** that guy, give him a dollar.”

The lady then said, “The breakfast was my idea.”

 

[Sanal]

Here are 6 reasons why you should think before you speak - the last one is great!

FIRST:

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, “How much do you charge for a shampoo and a ********?” I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn’t say a word…he knew better.

SECOND:

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women’s type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, “I think I like playing with men’s balls.”

THIRD:

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts! As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, “No, I’m just looking at your nuts.” My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH:

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving “right now” she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, “If you don’t let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy’s pee-pee last night!” The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were ! doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

FIFTH:

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said “No”. I kept thinking “Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don’t have any clothes with me.” Then ! I said, “Danny, are you SURE you didn’t have an accident?” “No,” he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, “Danny, did you have an accident?” This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled “SEE MOM, IT’S JUST FARTS!!” While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they’d ever had!

SIXTH/LAST:

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.

We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn’t, turned to the weatherman and asked: “So Bob, where’s that 8 inches you promised me last night?” Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

 

[Sanal]

Little Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love.

One day they decide that they want to get married. So Johnny goes to Jenny’s father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walks up to him and says “Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage.”

Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, “Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?”

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies “In Jenny’s room. It’s bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely.”

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, “Okay then how will you live? You’re not old enough to get a job. You’ll need to support Jenny.”

Again, Johnny instantly replies, “Our allowance - Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That’s about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine”

By this time Mr Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won’t have an answer to.

After a second, Mr.Smith says, “Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?”

Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says “Well, we’ve been lucky so far………”

Mr. Smith faints………….

 

[Sanal]

A man was waiting for a taxi. A beggar came along and asked him for some money. The man ignored him. But being a professional, the beggar kept on pestering him. The man became irritated when he realized that the beggar would not leave him alone unless he parts with some money. Suddenly an idea struck him.

He told the beggar, “I do not have money, but if you tell me what you want to do with the money, I will certainly help you.” “I would have bought a cup of tea”, replied the beggar. The man said, “Sorry man. I can offer you a cigarette instead of tea”. He then took a pack of cigarettes from his pocket and offered one to the beggar. The beggar told, “I don’t smoke as it is injurious to health.”

The man smiled and took a bottle of whisky from his pocket and told the beggar, “Here, take this bottle and enjoy the stuff. It is really good”. The beggar refused by saying, “Alcohol muddles the brain and damages the liver”. The man smiled again.

He told the beggar, “I am going to the race course. Come with me and I will arrange for some tickets and we will place bets. If we win, you take the whole amount and leave me alone”. As before, the beggar politely refused the latest offer by saying, “Sorry sir, I can’t come with you as betting on horses is a bad habit.”

Suddenly the man felt relieved and asked the beggar to come to his home with him. Finally, the beggar’s face lit up in anticipation of receiving at least something from the man. But he still had his doubts and asked the man, “Why do you want me to go to your house with you”. The man replied, “My wife always wanted to see how a man with no Bad habits looks like.”