Jokes

[Sanal]

> YOU ARE ATTEMPTING TO INSTALL WINDOWS XP, ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO CONTINUE?
Yes.
> ARE YOU REALLY SURE?
Yes.
> ARE YOU REALLY REALLY SURE?
YES!
> OK, THEN. JUST SO YOU KNOW, WE'RE REQUIRED TO ASK YOU THAT NOW. IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT FOR BEING A PICKY CONSUMER AND SUPPORTING THAT WHOLE "ANTI-TRUST" NONSENSE. INGRATE.
Just get on with it.
> ATTEMPTING TO INSTALL WINDOWS XP. FIRST WE NEED TO CHECK YOUR SYSTEM FOR COMPATIBILITY. THIS COULD TAKE SEVERAL DAYS.
Groan.
> THE INSTALL PROGRAM HAS DETECTED SEVERAL POSSIBLE PROBLEMS AND WILL NOT LET YOU INSTALL XP.
Problems? What problems?
> THE VIDEO CARD YOU ARE USING APPARENTLY DOES NOT WORK WITH THE MOTHERBOARD.
But I'm using it at this very moment.
> THAT IS IRRELEVANT.
But if the video card isn't working with the mother board then I can't very well see this warning message telling me that the video card wasn't...
> DO NOT ATTEMPT TO FOOL ME WITH LOGIC, I AM A MICROSOFT PRODUCT. LOGIC DOES NOT WORK ON ME. I HAVE ALSO FOUND THE FOLLOWING MINOR ERRORS: WINDOWS XP IS INCOMPATIBLE WITH THE FOLLOWING HARDWARE - MONITOR, KEYBOARD, MEMORY CHIPS, > MOTHERBOARD BIOS, WEB CAM, SCANNER, SOUND CARD, USB CONTROLLER, CD/R DRIVE, MICROPHONE, AND FLIGHT STICK.
All that?
> YES. AND THE HARDDRIVE IS RIGHT OUT TOO. WE DON'T LIKE THE MANUFACTURER.
Well what *DOES* work?
> THE MOUSE.
The mouse?
> YES. AND THE 5 1/4 DRIVE.
I don't have a 5 1/4 drive.
> YES YOU DO.
No I don't.
> WHAT'S THAT THEN?
It's a 3 1/2 drive.
> NO IT ISN'T.
Yes it is.
> .. HEY, WHAT IS THAT? WHAT ARE YOU DOING? IS THAT A DISK? WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT DISK? YOU'RE NOT PUTTING IT IN THE DRIVE ARE YOU? YOU ARE! WHAT'S ON THAT DISK. IS THAT DOS? YOU'RE INSTALLING DOS?? WHY WOULD YOU INSTALL DOS WHEN I AM INFINITELY MORE POWE..........

C:\ cls *enter*

 

[Sanal]

Six girls are on vacation without their boyfriends. They are walking on a beach when they are attracted to the sight of a beautiful six-storey hotel.
Wishing to check in immediately, they walk in. They are greeted by a charming hotel manager who tells them: "Go up to each storey and you will see a sign. If you like what it says, we'll put you up there."
So the six girlfriends take the lift to the floor above, where they see this sign: "All the men here have no money, and are short and ugly." The girlfriends laugh and move off.
On the next storey, they are met by this sign: "All the men here have money, but are short and plain." The girls continue on their way.
At the third level, they see this sign: "All the men here have money, and are tall but ugly." The girls smile and move on.
On the fourth floor, the sign says: "All the men here have money, and are tall and handsome." This excites the girls and they are about to go get registered when they remember that there is one more storey above. So they head up there.
At the top, they see this big sign: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is just no way to please a woman."

 

[Sanal]

A HUSBAND: The man who knows he is in charge, and has his wife's permission to say so.

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Wife: What do you mean coming home half drunk at this time of night?
Husband: It's not my fault - I ran out of money.
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A plumber was called to fix a blocked pipe. He arrived, banged on the pipes for 15 minutes, and said to the homeowner, well that'll be $35. The homeowner said "thirty five dollars!!!!- why thats $140 per hour!! I'm a lawyer and I only make $100 an hour!!" The plumber replies, "yeah, thats what I got when I was a lawyer."
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Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
They're trying to get away from the noise.
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[Sanal]

Most annoying jokes......

After suffering through years of his wife's awful coffee, the man spat it out and took the coffee maker to his lawyer.
Dropping it on the attorney's desk, the man growled, "Here they are!"
"Here are what?" the startled lawyer asked.
"Grounds for Divorce."

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DOCTOR" The pain in your right leg is caused by old age.
OLD MAN : But my left leg is the same age and that doesn't hurt.

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A Scotsman was on a fishing trip in the northwoods of Canada. "What's that over yonder'?" the Scotsman asked of his guide. "That's a moose, eh," said the guide. "Aye!" exclaimed the Scotsman, with raised eyebrow. "If that be a moose, I'd be sure an to hate to see your rats!"
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An Englishman, and Irishman and a Scotsman went into a bar. The Englishman stood a round of drinks, the Irishman stood a round of drinks and the Scotsman stood around.

 

[Sanal]

What do the guests do at a cannibal wedding?
They toast the bride and groom.
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If at first you don't succeed, you must be a programmer.

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Q: What does a blonde make for dinner?
A: Reservations.

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A man goes into a pet shop and walks up to the counter.
"Yes, sir, can I help you ?" asks the assistant.
"I'd like a wasp, please", said the man.
"You'd like a WHAT, sir ?" asks the assistant, looking puzzled.
"I'd like a WASP, please", he repeats.
"I'm sorry sir; we don't sell wasps in here."
"Well, there's one in the window ..."

 

[Sanal]

How do you get down from an elephant?
You don't: you get down from a duck!
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Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.

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Wee Hughie came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him. "What's the story this time. Hughie ?" he asked sarcastically." Let's hear a good excuse for a change.
"Wee Hughie sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning. The wife decided to drive me to the harbour. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the ferry didn't turn up.
Rather than let you down, I swam across the river, ran over the mountain, borrowed a bicycle and cycled the 20 miles through the glen to this office."
You'll have to do better than that. Hughie, "said his boss, disappointed. "No woman can be ready in ten minutes."

 

[Sanal]

SOFTWARE ENGINEERING GLOSSARY or DEFINING COMPUTER TERMS FROM A "MARKETING" POINT OF VIEW

ALL NEW -- The software is not compatible with previous versions.
ADVANCED DESIGN -- Upper management doesn't understand it.
BREAKTHROUGH -- It nearly booted on the first try.
NEW -- It comes in different colors from the previous version.
DESIGN SIMPLICITY -- It was developed on a shoe-string budget.
EXCLUSIVE -- We're the only ones who have the documentation.
FIELD TESTED -- Manufacturing doesn't have a test system.
FOOLPROOF OPERATION -- All parameters are hard coded.
FUTURISTIC -- It only runs on the next-generation supercomputer.
HIGH ACCURACY -- All the directories compare.
IT'S HERE AT LAST -- We've released a 26-week project in 48 weeks.
MAINTENANCE FREE -- It's impossible to fix.
MEETS QUALITY STANDARDS -- It compiles without errors.
PERFORMANCE PROVEN -- It works through beta test.
REVOLUTIONARY -- The disk drives go round and round.
SATISFACTION GUARANTEED -- We'll send you another copy if it fails.
STOCK ITEM -- We shipped it once before, and we can do it again, probably.
UNMATCHED -- It's almost as good as the competition.
UNPRECEDENTED PERFORMANCE -- Nothing ever ran this slow before.
YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT -- We finally got one to work.

 

[Sanal]

A man arrived at his holiday guest-house and met the landlady.
'Can you sing?' she snapped.
'No,' he replied.
'Well, you'd better learn quickly. There's no lock on the bathroom door.'

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"Doctor, doctor, every time I drink a cup of coffee I get a sharp pain in my nose."
"Have you tried taking the spoon out of the cup?"
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Yo momma's so stupid, she thinks Taco Bell is a Mexican Phone Company.
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[Sanal]

A visitor to the graveyard couldn't help noticing a man kneeling in front of a gravestone, clasping his hands and sobbing. The visitor went a bit closer and could hear what the man was saying.
'Why did you have to die?' he was repeating, 'Why did you have to die?'
Feeling he ought to do something, the visitor laid his hand on the man's shoulder.
'Was it someone you loved very much?' he asked gently.
The man looked up at him and said, 'no, I never met him, he was my wife's first husband.'
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There was my uncle threshing around in the sea, drowning, and this woman went by. My uncle shouted to her. 'I can't swim, I can't swim.'
She said, 'So what? I can't play the violin but I don't go shouting about it.'
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[Sanal]

A man was out for a walk one day and on his travels he wandered through a farm. Strangely, he saw a pig with a wooden leg! This intrigued him so much he found the farmer and quizzed him about it.
"This be no ordinary pig" said the farmer. "For example, only two days ago there was a fire in the chicken shed when I was away from the farm. The pig noticed this and immediately went and let all the chickens out into the yard. He then phoned for the fire brigade and came straight back to hold the fire until they arrived!"
"And a few weeks ago, I was driving my tractor down a steep hill, when I lost control and the vehicle overturned - knocking me unconscious! The pig saw this, phoned for the ambulance and then rushed to the tractor and pulled me clear of the cab just before it set on fire."
The farmer was just about to launch into another tale when the man said "Yes yes, but what about the wooden leg?"
"Well" said the farmer "when you've got an pig as good as that, you don't eat it all at once!"
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Q: How does a male octopus ask a female octopus to marry him?
A: Can I have your hand, your hand, your hand, your hand ...
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One day Wee Hughie bought a bottle of fine whiskey and while walking home he fell.
Getting up he felt something wet on his pants.
He looked up at the sky and said, "Oh lord please, I beg you let it be blood!"
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[Sanal]

A duck walks into bar,
Duck: got any bread?
Bartender: no
Duck: got any bread?
Bartender: no...
Duck: got any bread?
Bartender: NO
Duck: got any bread?
Bartender: NOOOOO!!!!!
Duck: got any bread?
Bartender: If you ask that one more time I'm going to nail your bill to the counter.
Duck: got any nails?
Bartender: NO
Duck: got any bread?
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A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"

 

[Sanal]

Did you hear about the very intelligent monster?
He was called Frank Einstein.
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During a transcontinental flight, a passenger looked out the window and noticed that two of the jet's engines were on fire. He began shouting, and pretty soon the rest of the passengers were in the throes of panic. The pilot suddenly appeared in the doorway to the passenger compartment with a parachute strapped to his back. "Don't worry, folks," he yelled cheerfully. "I'm going for help."
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Teacher: Give me a sentence with the word 'analyze' in it.
Pupil: My sister Anna lies in bed until nine o'clock.
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There's this drunk guy who decides that he wants to go fishing. He packs up all his tackle and sets out in search of a suitable spot.
Eventually, he stumbles across a huge area of ice and decides that he'll give it a go. Taking out a saw from his tackle box, he starts to saw a whole. Suddenly, a loud voice booms out at him, "There's no fish in here." The drunk looks all around him but can't see anyone. He decides to ignore the voice and carries on sawing.
Again, the voice booms out, "I've told you once, there's no fish in here!" He looks up again but there's still no sign of anyone so he returns to his task.
"Stop it!" shouts the now very angry sounding voice, "You'd better pack up your stuff and get out of here or there'll be trouble."
"Who are you" shouts the drunk guy, "you don't scare me!"
"Look," replies the voice, "I'm the manager of this Ice Rink!"

 

[Sanal]

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
he stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
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My brother got thrown out of the zoo last week. I said, 'Why was that?'
He said, 'I fed the monkeys.'
I said, 'You got thrown out of the zoo for feeding the monkeys?'
He said, 'Yes, I fed them to the lions.'
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Husband: "Your birthday is coming up, so I'd like some idea of what you'd like for your birthday."
Wife: "I want a divorce!"
Pause.
Husband: "I'm really sorry, but I hadn't planned to spend that much."
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[Sanal]

The local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. A local volunteer calls to solicite his donation, saying "our research shows that even though your annual income is over a million dollars, you do not give one penny to charity! Wouldn't you like to give back to your community through The United Way?"
The lawyer thinks for a moment and says: "First, did your research show that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and has huge medical bills far beyond her ability to pay?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh, no."
"Secondly, that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?"
The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology but is cut off.
"Thirdly, that my sister's husband died in a dreadful traffic accident", the lawyers voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children?"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says simply, "I had no idea."
The lawyer then says"...and if I don't give any money to THEM, why should I give any to you?"

 

[Sanal]

A couple of hikers were tramping through the countryside and had lost their way, so by the time they arrived at the "George and Dragon", the village pub where they'd arranged to stay the night, the doors were locked and the owners had gone to bed. They knocked timidly on the front door.
A head appeared at an upstairs window and shouted, 'Go away. Don't you know what time it is? We're closed,' and the the window slammed shut.
Undeterred, the hikers knocked again. 'What is it now?' demanded the head.
'Could we speak to George this time please?' asked on the the hikers.

 

[Sanal]

If a red house is made of red bricks, a blue house is made of blue bricks and a yellow house is made of yellow bricks, what is a green house made of?

Green Bricks?

No, glass.
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If a girl who works in a candy store is five feet three inches tall, and wears size five shoes, what does she weigh?


Candy.
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Which burns longer, a red candle or a white candle?


Neither, they both burn shorter.
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If you have a referee in soccer, and an umpire in cricket, what do you have in bowls?


Goldfish
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How can you drop and egg six feet without it breaking?


By dropping it seven feet - it won't break for the first six.
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Two men play five games of checkers. Each man wins the same number of games. There are not ties. Explain this.


they are not playing each other.
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[Sanal]

If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?
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An Australian entered a bar and stood beside a Scotsman.
"Where are you from, pal?" asked the Scotsman, after they'd chatted for a while.
"I'm from the finest country in the whole wide world," said the Australian.
"Are you?" said the other. "You have a damn funny accent for a Scotsman."
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The whole family was grouped round the television watching an international rugby match and the English full- back once again failed to intercept the opposing wing, who streaked home for his twentieth try. 'That full-back,' said the father, 'he's useless. I don't know why they let him play for the side at all.' 'Well,' said his five-year-old son, 'perhaps it's his ball.'
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Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
They went to see a movie named "Closed for the Winter".
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[Sanal]

A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.
As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.
"There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What the hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.
"It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

 

[Sanal]

A blonde got a dent in her car and took it in to the repair shop. The repairman, noticing that the woman was a blonde, decided to have a wee bit of fun.
So he told her all she had to was take it home and blow in the tailpipe until the dent popped itself out.
After 15 minutes of this, the blonde's blonde friend came over and asked what she was doing.
"I'm trying to pop out this dent, but it's not really working."
"Duh. You have to roll up the windows first stupid!"
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When we were kids my mum and dad took us to a French restaurant. My brother said, 'Mum, can I have some frogs legs?'
My mum said, 'Why, what's wrong with your own?'
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An Englishman, lecturing on his travels, was speaking disparagingly about the Scots in Canada and the mixing of the race with the Indians.
‘You’ll find,’ he said, ‘a great number of Scots half-breeds and French half­breeds, but you cannot find any English half-breeds.’
‘Not surprisingly,’ shouted Wee Hughie in the audience. ‘The squaws had to draw the line somewhere.

 

[Sanal]

A man was passing a country estate and saw a sign on the gate. It read: "Please ring bell for the caretaker." He rang the bell and an old man appeared.
"Are you the caretaker?" the fellow asked.
"Yes, I am," replied the old man. "What do you want?"
"I'd just like to know why you can't ring the bell yourself."
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A patient goes to the doctor's office where, much to his surprise the doctor asks him, "Would you please help me with a problem I'm having?"

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Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill. Give it a test. Check three friends. If they're OK, psychiatrists are right.

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Sure, doctor, what can I do for you, says the patient.

"Would you scream in the most earsplitting, piercing screams you can manage? Try to make it sound as if you're in terrible pain." The doctor says.

"But why, doctor, you've always been gentle with me and your treatments have never caused me any pain?" Asks the patient.

"Yes," Says the doctor in a matter-of-fact tone, "but I have a 4 o'clock tee time at the golf course I don't want to miss, and my waiting room is still full of patients."
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